Zach Eflin has to be one of the Phils fans favorite pitchers. His last name just rolls off their tongue. “You kiss your mother with that mouth?” “You’re Eflin right! And I’m kissing her right now. On Facetime. She’s a Merchant Marine, and stationed overseas. It’s actually very sweet how we kiss. With SnapChat filters. That dresses me in a baby bonnet. TMI?” Sure, it was a short schedule day, so this might have something to do with my joy at Zach Eflin. Yesterday, he went 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 0.71. It’s only through 12 2/3 IP so o?ekávání. I know. That’s what I thought too, but then I started looking at his numbers, and, ugh, it’s 12 2/3 IP, but you gotta be Eflin kidding me? He has a 9.2 K/9, 2.1 BB/9 and a 94 MPH fastball, that is up two miles from last year. Maybe this is a blip, but maybe this is encouragement you receive to burp from your Facetime’ing mom. Also, in this game, Odubel Herrera hit some ding dongs — 2-for-3, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer — because ODB waited until everyone was out on him after last year. Damn, ODB, why you gotta ad-lib some fire after I’m no longer invested in you? ODB with more ad-libs than Quavo after a fifth of Cuervo, and Columbus, Ohio seeing the Cleveland Indians and being like, “Yo, I descubierto’d.” (I really had to fight for that third rhyme.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Santana – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .171. “I don’t want to desecrate a corpse either, but if we’re going to get Carlos Santana down the mountain, we need to tie him to a yak–Wait, Santana just moved his arm! He’s alive!”
Cesar Hernandez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (6), hitting .274, .397 OBP. Besides Kingery and Santana, who I think is starting slow, the Phils look like they have some great OBPs. Let’s check! *looks* Yup, I’m not right at all, they’re better than league average, but just barely. Since it’s a slow day, I also looked at team batting averages across the majors, and this was a jolt. Half the league is hitting .242 or under! The O’s batting average is .220. There are not enough exclamation marks for how bad batting averages are in the majors. Dave Kingman would be a Triple Crown threat.
Johnny Cueto – Out six weeks with an elbow sprain. Dr. James Andrews recommended rest over surgery. Or so Cueto thought! The real Dr. James Andrews was distracted with an Exotic Car Autotrader, and one of Cueto’s fantasy baseball owners stepped in dressed in scrubs and told Cueto to go home to rest for a few and, “Save something for my H2H playoffs.”
Hunter Pence – Shut down with renewed thumb soreness. We’re gonna have to face it, Pence may never be able to do the “Cut it out” hand motion again on Fuller House.
Jeff Samardzija – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.62. You know why Samardjiza is called Shark? Because every time he starts, owners need to bite a towel.
Michael Conforto – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer, hitting .198. “Guys, that’s not a yak, that’s Conforto, and he’s frozen to–Nope, he’s fine. He just blinked. I thought we lost him.”
Adrian Gonzalez – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 4th and 5th homer. How bad is Homer Bailey? So bad A-Gon was able to get around on him. A-Gon’s bat speed has finally caught up to his on-the-basepath’s speed. I know, the Met Gala was last night and the Mets dressed as 2007 versions of themselves, but it’s egregious they signed A-Gon. He is such a shell of his former self that Paas Easter egg dye sold a kit to decorate him.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .248. Yo, if you have an extra Paas leftover, I’d like to draw pastel ears on Bruce.
Billy Hamilton – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .206. Hamilton’s not gonna waste his shot! Though, he kinda has. The home run is nice, but to show signs of life from Hamilton, I wouldn’t mind a single and three steals.
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .290. Eugenio has been sidelined with a fractured thumb and returned to hit five homers, and we’re only a little over a month into the season! Eugenio’s already played five Adam Eaton seasons!
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .289. He only had 3 homers until June last year, and you still drafted this year, and now you want to drop him.
Yu Darvish – Placed on the DL right after weekly lineups locked. Well played, Yu. Darvish was sidelined with the flu. Please, only thing with that flew is every ball he throws.
Ian Happ – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homers. Yesterday’s slate of games was like The Night of the Living Dead — Carlos Santana, Conforto, A-Gon, Bruce, Hamilton, Scooter and Happ all found their heartbeat. I’m a broken record on this, but Happ is a 30-homer guy with everyday ABs. Happ is a 30-homer guy with everyday ABs. Happ is–Sorry, told you, broken record. After this huge game, I’m sure Maddon will bench Happ, so let’s not even get the ulcer going.
Javier Baez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Also, in this game, Kris Bryant (3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs) homered for the 2nd straight game. Now we just have to Amazon Prime some smelling salts to Rizzo and we’ll be great.
Kyle Hendricks – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.02. Wish I would’ve A) Liked Hendricks in the preseason. B) Drafted him. C) There’s no C.
Jarlin Garcia – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 2.68. The Regression Fairies have a favorite shade of pink, they watch red carpet telecasts on mute critiquing the outfits, and they will destroy your ratios.
Nick Kingham – Optioned down to minors. This was likely just to get a bench bat while the Pirates don’t need a 5th starter, but, then again, the Pirates find plate appearances for Sean Rodriguez, while Austin Meadows rots away in the minors.
Michael Fulmer – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER vs. Matt Moore – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.71. The Regression Fairies were there for Fulmer, and stayed for Moore, or Moore sneezed on the rosin bag and Fulmer got the Moore cooties. Like Altuve at a concert, I’m going with the latter.
Nomar Mazara – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .287. Guys and five girls, I think we might finally be seeing the breakout, and Mazara is still only 23 years old. He’s about to have a great career, and you’re gonna forget all about the two years it took him to get up to speed.
Leonys Martin – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. One of my more rueful drops was losing Martin about five days into the season. I’m pretty sure more bad has come from early drops than good. I’m pretty sure “pretty sure” is the least conclusive way to say that too.
Trea Turner – 1-for-3, 3 runs and his 3rd homer. Get those, Treat Urner!
Matt Adams – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer, and possibly 67th homer this week. The Nats are currently, “Hey, Zimmerman, you want some furs? They’re right down that alley. Go ahead, Zimm. Nothing gonna hurt you.”
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.52, as he returned home to San Diego. Maybe he’ll give the Padres a hometown discount at some point in his career, when he’s 38 years old and throwing 86. That sounded better before the qualifier.
Luiz Gohara – Being recalled to work in the bullpen. Podcaster Ralph and I talk a bit about Gohara on the podcast today. Don’t see him getting in the Braves rotation without an injury to McCarthy and Anibal. Him being Gohara, not Ralph.
George Springer – 6-for-6, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .292. Trucking along, looking all right, but you know Springer is the type that can hit 12 homers in 15 days. Hope it’s coming now (if you own him; I don’t, so bleh).
Marwin Gonzalez – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .248. FTM! For the Marwin!
Fernando Romero – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 0.00 thru 11 2/3 IP. He also has 14 Ks and 6 walks. He’s pitching better in the majors than he was in the minors, which is not what I want to see. Who are you, Charlie Morton Jr.? He throws hard (96 MPH), but these results don’t jive completely for me. I’ll give you a tentative pick-him-up, but know that you could get roofied and end up as El Chapo’s kidney donor. If anything, I’d use the Stream-o-Nator for Romero, which would likely mean I’d never start him.
Byron Buxton – Expected back this week, after completing running drills, mostly straight-ahead sprints and backpedals. The sprints went well, then the backpedals were, “I really like Donald Glover, but Atlanta is hit or miss, I’ve heard Solo is more like So-So, and Childish Gambino’s new song is just aight.” So solid backpedals too!