Baseball’s parity is better than any other sport. You can go into the season like, say, the Rockies. No chance at all of the playoffs with no closer, no pitching, an injured offseason acquisition and be a favorite for the playoffs in July, without that offseason acquisition doing anything, not getting anything from your returning superstar shortstop and defying gravity with a pitching staff keeping a team above water even at one mile high. Then, on July 31st, parity goes out the window and all teams doing well get much better and teams struggling sell off everything. Speaking of “I’m rich bitch,” the Dodgers traded for Yu Darvish. The deadline was mostly, “Well, there goes a middle reliever,” and, “Another middle reliever? Snooze,” then, at the last moment, the Dodgers swooped in and grabbed Tony Watson and Tony Cingrani, two more middle relievers. Just like LA to want two Tonys, like Oscars aren’t enough. Oh well, nothing big this year. When, thirty-five minutes after the trading deadline, the Dodgers announced, “Psyche, fake-out, we got Darvish too.” Los Angeles is about the best landing spot a fantasy owner could hope for Darvish. He has a 9.7 K/9, 3.0 BB/9 and 3.81 xFIP, but was pitching in the 5th best offensive park. Hello, NL West, Dodger Stadium and facing the Giants and Padres. Now you see LA brewin? Yu sexy, get me some Trojans. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brandon Kintzler – Traded to the Nationals. A manager who likes to leave his starter in for 120 pitches, tried to make Matt Albers a thing, chose Sean Doolittle over Ryan Madson and still loves the smell of Jayson Werth in the morning does not need more 9th inning options. That’s a negative, Ghost Rider. Yet, here we are, and Dusty’s got another 9th inning weapon. This is like if you can’t decide which pants to wear, so you throw on five pairs of shorts. My guess is Dusty will just continue to throw Doolittle out there, because once he gets his heart set on something, it’s hard for him to change course. Kintzler is better though, and should be owned in case Dusty turns to him.
Michael Taylor – Began a rehab assignment in Potomac. Fun fact! A guy who hangs around the streets of Detroit with a blinged-out Polaroid camera around his neck calls himself the Photomack of Potomac.
Gio Gonzalez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (3 baserunners), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.66, and a no hitter through eight innings. Moneyball 2 is gonna be a road movie where all good A’s players are on other teams and Beane goes to visit them.
Edinson Volquez threw no-hitter on Yordano Ventura’s birthday.
Gio Gonzalez throwing no-hitter on Jose Fernandez’s birthday.
Baseball, man.— Razzball (@Razzball) August 1, 2017
Jose Urena – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.82. Solid bounce back after some suspect starts over his last few. Still a guy I’d lean heavily on the Stream-o-Nator.
Matt Belisle – Favorite for saves in Minnesota. This is so laughably crazy because he’s legitimately not good, but he’s also the best guy the Twins have to close. He only needs to close at most ten games for the rest of the year, so maybe he can pull an early-season Bud Norris vs. recent Bud Norris.
Sonny Gray – Yankees traded for him, sending away Jorge Mateo, James Kapriellian and Dustin Fowler. I’m sure Prospector Ralph will go over those guys in full. Gray, my almost namesake, has next to no time in Yankee Stadium pitching, but that doesn’t truly matter. Players are better at home, so pitching as a visiting player is different no matter where they’re going. Gray is a solid piece for the Yankees and fantasy owners, looking like a number two for both. His 8.7 K/9, 2.8 BB/9 and 3.29 xFIP is on the brink of acedom, and nothing in his deeper peripherals is saying it’s all a fluke. Not to sound totally egotistical, but I like Gray, no matter where he is.
Aaron Judge – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 34th homer. We discuss Judge’s less than terrific last six weeks on today’s podcast and we find out Halp is a Jeter fielding apologist.
Shane Greene – Will be the Tigers closer. Now this is some shizz. If you would’ve bet on this in the preseason, it would’ve been like a 9,000 to 1 C and E bet. With Greene being mostly C. I grabbed him in all leagues, because SAGNOF.
Michael Fulmer – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.59. The Regression Fairies won’t rest in their Rainbow Brite sheets until every pitcher has a 4+ ERA.
Yoan Moncada – Was carted off the field after colliding with Willy Garcia. Oh, no, the Ghost of Mat Gamel. Leave us alone, Ghost of Mat Gamel!
Matt Davidson – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and 3rd homer in four games, and five billionth homer in six games. Okay, no, but he is straight schmotato right now.
Justin Smoak – 1-for-4 and his 30th homer. Since it’s trade deadline and all, isn’t it funny (not haha) what teams are buyers? Jays could easily grab someone like Darvish and be Wild Card contenders. They’re not, but with five straight wins they’d be right there. I mean, it’s not completely crazy.
Russell Martin – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. Without any actual research, I’m going to guess Martin has homered once and only once every week this season. I feel like I mention him every week, and not again until the following week. Interesting stuff, Grey. Shut up, Random Italicized Voice!
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in four games. I’m actually cheering Donaldson on, so some poor sap drafts him too high next year.
Roberto Osuna – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and five runs in the last two appearances. Ugh, when it rains, it pours with Osuna, huh? I’d guess Tepera would be next, but he hasn’t been much better. Mo better Roberto? No better.
Tim Beckham – Traded to the Orioles. Orioles crack me up. Everyone’s like, “Yo, what are the Dodgers gonna do? Yankees? Red Sox? Check out the Diamondbacks!” Mean’s while, Orioles are in the back of the group, jumping up and down with their hand raised. “Hey, we wanna be a part of the offseason too!” This ups Beckham’s value and I could see him being shallower league relevant with this move.
Danny Duffy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.42 vs. Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.56. This was a matchup billed as “I rock rough and Duff with no afro puffs, rock on with Ubaldo self.” As you can imagine, no one else calls it this.
Addison Reed – Traded to the Red Sox to setup Kimbrel. Now I see what the Mets were doing. They were trading a free agent away, and trading for Ramos because he’s under team control. Control is actually the wrong word here for Ramos, since he has a 5 BB/9 for two years in a row. Yeah, he’s gonna thrive in The Big Apple. Any hoo! Ramos is your Mets closer until Familia returns, if Familia returns.
Rafael Devers – 4-for-4, 1 RBI. Prospector Ralph just floated into a Dunkin’ Donuts, screamed Devers, and floated back out. High on Devers’ ability.
Eduardo Nunez – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 20th steal, hitting .471 on the Sawx. Best thing that happened to the Sawx, acquiring Nunez or Pedroia’s injury?
Joe Smith – Traded to the Indians. This trade was about 500 years overdue. You think you take Pocahontas’ virginity and we just forget about it? Oh, wait, that’s John Smith. Forget it.
Mike Clevinger – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.68. Okay, but the matchup was hideous like your back hair.
Bradley Zimmer – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, as he hit leadoff. Took Indians bit longer than I would’ve liked to figure out Zimmer should be at the top of the order, but he’s there now. Lance just gave his Bradley Zimmer 2018 fantasy, and it’s got a quote in there for what I might expect from him. Zimmer, not Lance.
Amed Rosario – Will be called up by the Mets today. Now that they finally got that anchor Addison Reed off the team, Rosario’s ready to shine! Different positions? Sure, but we’re looking for reasons in the Mets’ madness. Speaking of madness, I have Amedness! In Triple-A, he had seven homers, 19 steals and a .328 average. Wouldn’t put him down for earth-shattering numbers in his first year, but I would grab him everywhere for upside. At best, he hits a few homers, steals eight bags and hits .300, i.e., Chris Owings. At worst, you drop him.
David Hernandez – Angels sent him to the Diamondbacks for Luis Madero. Madero wasn’t happy, some might say *pinkie to mouth* Madero sour.
Marcus Semien – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 3rd homer in the last nine games, hitting over .300 in the last week. Guess you could say Semien is a real hot shot. Ew.
Blake Treinen – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save. Just the way the person who drafted Treinen in March as the Nats’ closer and fell into a four month coma planned it! If you’re desperate for saves, you can hold Casilla, but your desperation is a little sad, and Treinen appears to be the new A’s closer.
Lance McCullers – Hit the DL with “For Criss Angel’s sake, of course, he needed to be DL’d.” Filling in for him will be The Human Peacock. Or as he says like James Bond, “Peacock, Brad Peacock.”
Francisco Liriano – Headed to the Astros for Nori Aoki. I don’t know, man. This makes the Astros worse, by my estimation. Liriano allows more walks than a Game of Thrones character in the first six seasons. First six seasons, “We’re going to Casterly Rock,” cut to five seasons later and they’re still walking. In season seven, “We’re going to Casterly Rock,” cut to next scene and they’re there. Any hoo! The Astros are saying Liriano will be a middle reliever. Sounds brilliant.
Jake Marisnick – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and two homers (12, 13). They should make Mark McGwire’s family follow around Marisnick’s chase for twenty steroid-free homers.
Derek Fisher – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Lots of questions about Fisher. I like him, I’d own him, but when Springer returns, I have no idea where he’s going to play every day.
Alex Cobb – 3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.89. Listen, the Regression Fairies could’ve done a lot worse with a Cobb. Ya follow?
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 21st and 20th homer. His season numbers are being largely supported by a huge April and May (12 HRs, .340 combined).
Lucas Duda – 1-for-5 and his 20th homer, and 3rd homer in the last week on the Rays. Duda is the type to go deep in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana, so I could see grabbing him.
Rougned Odor – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. He’s gonna have a 30/15/.240 season and I’m gonna be like, “Wasn’t 2nd round worthy, but you know it wasn’t bad, so don’t even,” and then we’re going to hug awkwardly.
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-3 and his 14th homer, and yadda blabba blooie in the last week plus. Might be the start of something, but nothing remotely interesting leading into this.
Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.01. He had a perfect game through two innings, and I started writing up this blurb. Dropping flowery adjectives and whatnot. Then he gave up one walk and one hit in the third and I wondered where it all went wrong. Actually, no, I didn’t. I just stopped writing the perfect game blurb.
Felix Hernandez – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.28. If he would’ve abruptly quit baseball two years ago, his Hall of Fame case would be stronger. Like a Latino Sandy Koufax. I would’ve called him, Playa Koufaxio.
Odubel Herrera – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games, hitting over .400 in the last week. ODB is hot like Mariah.
Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th steal, hitting leadoff and .288. Due to exterminating circumstances, Cesar is my new go-to middle infielder. Not extenuating, that’s exterminating. As in Owings, Spangenberg and Tulo, are my terminated exes.
Maikel Franco – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .228, hitting near-.275 in the 2nd half. Most everything is glass is half empty with me, but I can’t help to see the positive with Maikel. My shrink and I are trying to figure out why.
Kurt Suzuki – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in three games, hitting .266. Yes, you would’ve been better with Suzuki than Wieters. Ain’t that a kick in the shins, which, of course, would send Wieters to the DL.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, hitting .316. He hasn’t hit as well since returning from his fractured wrist, which means Freeman is human.
Mike Foltynewicz – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.08. The Phils are an easy matchup! *thirty minutes later* Fuckymewitz!
Jeremy Jeffress – Reacquired by the Brewers. He said he was happy to go back to Milwaukee, adding, “Do you know the whole time I was in Texas they called me Jeffrey Jermess?”
