Houston Firebombs Milwaukee And Leaves Them Nursing Their Burnes

Astros’ lineup has some 80’s WWF vibes to it. Julks-Dubon being led by Captain Woo Cubano. Can’t forget, Jose Abreu (2-for-5, 2 run) at the plate as threatening as Cyndi Lauper when she’s beating on Captain Lou’s chest in the Girls Just Wanna Fun video. Or The Fabulous Martin Maldonado went 2-for-3, 2 runs with his 3rd homer. All they needed was Manaea to come through with Afa and Sika. By the way, what’s less pro wrestling than losing your acronym, WWF, to the World Wildlife Federation. First up, Mauricio Dubon went 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Altuve owners are Stan Gable yelling, “Hey, that’s my pie!” Then Corey Julks went 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting his 3rd homer. But, leading the way, was Yordan Alvarez. Captain Woo Cubano went 3-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, hitting .305. Woo has no speed and doesn’t seem like he’s been hot at any moment this year, and is still around a top 15 hitter on the year on the Player Rater. Truly one of the best and gets nowhere near enough acclaim. Or as Rowdy Tellez would say acc’laim. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Lance McCullers – Astros said he’d be out until around the All-Star break. He’s got a forearm issue, so it’s very sneaky, but predictable the Astros didn’t say which All-Star break.

Corbin Burnes – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.97. This feels like when you get beat up in school and your dad takes you for ice cream. But instead of ice cream, it’s the pitcher who was drafted in the first two rounds getting beat up to make you feel better about having Gavin Stone and Ober and Charlie Morton and JoMo and do I have to continue? I guess I do…

Rowdy Tellez – 2-for-3 and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Paul Newman’s half Jewish, Goldie Hawn’s half too; put them together with Rowdy Tellez and you still have one fine hittin’ Jew!

Tucupita Marcano – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (2). Left my wallet in Tucupita, gotta get it, gotta gotta get it!

Carlos Santana – 1-for-3 and his 5th steal, hitting .239. Who knew three inches would make that much a difference with his ability to steal? He would’ve been a 50-steal guy when he was younger if he were wearing shoes three inches bigger.

Luis L. Ortiz – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.02. It took me far longer than I want to admit to see what I’ve said previously about Luis Ortiz. It turns out there’s about twelve other Luis Ortizes. Any hoo! I wouldn’t expect you to search that hard, so here’s what I said previously, “We have projections for every rookie pitcher, and Ortiz’s are better than expected, tee bee aitch. He looks like he could be a 8.5-9.5 K/9, 3-3.50 BB/9, 4.25 ERA pitcher. His command is so iffy, I’m not getting on this train yet in mixed leagues, but maybe Streamonator if he looks good. Ortiz can be great or tease. Bam! You walked into it! No? Okay.” And that’s me quoting me! His command is still wonky, so I’d be careful.

Dane Dunning – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.67. Ya know what’s funny that’s not funny, I keep trying to make guys like Gavin Stone (and soon Bobby Miller) work and Dane Dunning is just there, throwing solid start with terrible peripherals after solid start with terrible peripherals. Streamonator hates his next one, but not sure how you can keep ignoring him.

Josh Jung – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .263. He is running away with the AL Rookie of the Year. Every day in the comments people are asking to drop him for some random schmotato.

Tyler Glasnow – Expected to make his season debut on Saturday. One fantasy site said, “Highly-anticipated debut,” which oversells everything, doesn’t it? Highly-anticipated for who? One person in each league? Is this fantasy or is this a Rays’ fan site? It’s so stupid to care about this shizz, but that’s why guys get insanely overrated. He’s thrown more than 110 IP once in his career and he has a career 4.00 ERA and 1.24 WHIP. Would I take him for free? Sure, but also, if you roster him you have five days to sell him for anywhere close to how much hype he has.

Josh Fleming – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.59. Guess who started Fleming for his unconventional two-start week where he follows an Opener? This guy with two thumbs who still isn’t sure when Fleming is going to pitch next!

Jose Siri – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Speaking of starting Rays and having no idea when they’re going to be in the lineup, that’s kinda the entire Rays team. Put Siri in your fantasy lineup and pay no attention to when he starts because that way is an ulcer.

Luke Raley – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer. Continuing the previous two blurbs’ gist, don’t know when Raley’s playing, don’t care. Just play him, walk away and go have some ice cream with dad.

Randy Arozarena – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .308. The Rice Bowl is around top 5 on the Player Rater, and every year previously his Statcast looked bad, even when he was going well, but not this year.

Whit Merrifield – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .287. He’s on pace for an 8/50 season. You cannot kill Merrifield’s fantasy value, ever. He’s the cockroach of fantasy value.

Daulton Varsho – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. He’s on pace for 25/25. Yes, he’s hitting .207, but you’re too in the weeds if you’re worried about what your catcher’s batting average is.

Chris Bassitt – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.03, but four more unearned runs that had my heart palpating for the always-scary, box scare.

Paul DeJong – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Fourth homer in the last week and 27th homer in the last two weeks, or near that. Colonel Mustard in the batter’s box with a lightning bolt!

Jordan Montgomery – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.55. I’ve gone from a JoMosexual to striking out with every un-Hinged guy off waivers.

Spencer Steer – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. That’s nice. With Indiana Jones back, I’m wondering if there is some way to remove Steer and replace him with Christian Encarnacion-Strand like how Indy switches out an ancient relic with a bag of sand. Only it’s a bag of Strand.

Charlie Morton – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.61. Why couldn’t this game be rained out?

Eddie Rosario – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Can’t believe he was the one to do the damage against Gavin Stone. More like Gavin Ulcer. Give up homers to Albies, Tildaddy, Olson, any number of people, but Eddie Rosario? C’mon, Gavin!

Gavin Stone – 4 IP, 5 ER, as he was recalled, ERA at 10.13. Changing his name to Gavin Right In The Stones.

J.D. Martinez – 4-for-5, 3 runs, and his 7th and 8th homer. If Just Dong moves the dong, then more power to you, but he does nothing for me. Just being honest. How’sever, a two-dong, four-hit Just Dong night goes a long way to him being a hot bat.

Freddie Freeman – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Pretty cool he did that back in Atlanta*.  *Trying my best to ignore that I started Morton and Stone and I took a hammer to my computer screen.

Jaime Barria – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.61. Barria’s peripherals are in the barrio of a solid back-end starter. Streamonator hates his next start, but I’m willing to let foot off the brake a little and try him in some leagues.

Mickey Moniak – 2-for-4, and his 3rd homer, as he hit leadoff, hitting .429. Think he’s officially Wally Pipp’d Ward. Call him Wardy Pipp.

Michael Lorenzen – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.08. Guess he wasn’t a “great idea” for a two-start starter. That’s what I get for ignoring the Streamonator.

Matt Vierling – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the four games. Fun fact! A Vierling is a small vier.

Brady Singer – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.48. Pregame: Watch Brady Singer get right vs. the Tigers. Three innings in: Feed me to tigers.

Bobby Witt Jr. – 0-for-4 as he was dropped down to 6th in the order. Halle Berrylujah! Royals were always doing him a disservice by hitting him leadoff. When I wrote the preseason Bobby Witt Jr. schmohawk post about how he was overrated, there was push back then and continually about how he was so fast. You’d think by now we’re all aware of the old nugget, you can’t steal first.

Hunter Dozier – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to steal Christian Walker’s blood, and become his doppelgänger again for fantasy.

Vinnie Pasquantino – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Ay yo, Vinnie Pasketti, knows what to do with a meatball, ay yo!

Jackie Bradley Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. “Oh c’mon, he homered too?!” That’s a famous quote from a Jose Abreu fantasy owner.

Bailey Ober -5 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.55. Not what you want to see in a layup matchup, but Streamonator likes his next, and I’m still in.

Michael Conforto – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Been a schmforto for a fortnight.

Edward Cabrera – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.05. This doesn’t feel like a start for EdCab or his owners, but for all of us wondering if we should start Eury. You’re roping us in, you bastard!

Jose Caballero – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. At worst, hot schmotato alert! At best, his contact makes him slump proof and, while everyone was bidding like crazy on Matt McLain, I got the real breakout for 1% of the price.

Jarred Kelenic – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .297. Unjarred: The Releasing of Kelenic, How One Top Prospect Got A New Lease On Life. One of those biographies where the title is longer than the book.

Seth Brown – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. Feels like when an old crush reemerges back in your life and wants to rekindle things and you’ve moved on. I like you, Brown, but I sorta have a thing with Mickey Moniak right now.

Hunter Gaddis – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.26 as he was recalled. If you’re a hunter and gatherer with waivers as your forest, don’t Hunter Gaddis.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in the last six games. That tracks with what we know of Lu-Gu-Ju. He’s a steady producer that won’t have gaudy numbers, but solid contact leads to a consistently valuable fantasy producer.

Pavin Smith – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!

Tommy Henry – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.68. Tom Hank telling Gabriel Moreno to catch him if he can.

Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.11. It’s hard to take a victory lap on ignoring pitchers when they all stink, but if Wheeler gets much worse, I will attempt it.

Bryson Stott – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Stott’s hawt!

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. If he hits as many homers as he usually does in June, Schwarber’s gonna enter the All-Star break with 47 homers. Which will tie Christopher Morel and Paul DeJong.