The other day Don Mattingly said something like this, “When your closer can’t close, but you need games closed and you have a closer in name and a non-closer closer, who’s your closer? The guy who’s closing games? I don’t know. I’m seriously asking. I would think it’s the guy you call closer, but we call Brandon League the closer and he can’t close, so the closer must the guy we don’t call closer but can close games named, Kenley Jansen. Warmer… Warmer… No, now you’re getting colder. Go back the other way.” Kenley Jansen got the save. YAY!…But…BOO!…It was on the tail end of an 8 2/3 IP, 11 Ks, 6 baserunners stunning performance by Clayton Kershaw, so it wasn’t a stereotypical save. I would’ve preferred to see a standard “closer enters to start the 9th inning” save before telling people to drop League. I’d hold both for now, but a new era (not the hats) may be upon us. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Gonzalez – 5-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs as he hit two homers — his eighth and ninth of the year. So, I guess the wind was blowing out at Wrigley. Ya know, cause Darwin Barney also hit a homer. Although, Darwin has evolved his wrist tendons to hit a solid seven homers a year. Come rain, shine or gale force winds. You know how weathermen take on phony weather names like Storm Field and Dallas Raines? A female weather, uh, person should take on the name Gale, then when Hurricane Gale hits, “Gale’s picking up gale force winds, isn’t that right, Gale? What am I saying and why am I a news anchor in Poughkeepsie?” You can’t weather that storm of hilarity.
Roy Oswalt – Will join Double-A Tulsa next week. In Tulsa talk, that’s Okie dokie.
Carlos Villanueva – 5 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners, 1 K. Hope you chucked Villanueva before he mistook your pitching stats for a Port-a-John.
Jose Altuve – To the bereavement list because his grandmother died. I don’t want to say anything fishy is going on when someone’s Maw-Maw dies, but…Well, he was on the brink of hitting the DL and then his grandmother dies, so the Astros now have the opportunity to let him rest until Saturday rather than DL him for 15 days? This does smell fishy and it’s not the dead grandmother. This sounds like the beginnings of a bad Nick Swardson movie. Bud Selig, played by Stephen Hawking, goes to Altuve’s grandmother’s funeral to make sure she’s really dead and ends up falling for the dead grandmother’s identical sister. Altuve, of course, would be played by Casper from Eastbound and Down.
Josh Beckett – Headed to the Disgraceful List with a “strained groin.” Not sure how teams get away with DL’ing anyone they want either. Maybe when Selig’s done holding a mirror to Altuve’s grandmother’s nose, he can check on Beckett’s groin.
Zack Greinke – Cleared to make his start today because he loves me. On a serious intermezzo, he could be a mess today and I wouldn’t be surprised. I’m expecting anything from 4 IP, 4 ER, 3 Ks to 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks. I think there’s a 70% chance of the first possibility and a 20% chance of the 2nd and a 10% chance of snow.
Doug Fister – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Lastros. Mr. Fister had the Astros singing Doctor, Doctor, I got a bad case of the losing blues.
Omar Infante – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 2nd steal and hitting near-.400 in the last week. Omar’s comin’ yo.
Bryce Harper – Day-to-day with a bruised shoulder and left knee. The wall has a bruised “Final Score” and two broken bulbs.
Jair Jurrjens – Will be called up to start in place of Wei-Yin Chen. I now have the first line to a fantasy baseball rap song, “Jair Jurrjens gets my pickle small like gherkins.”
Zack Wheeler – On Monday, the Mets GM said Wheeler would be arriving soon. On Tuesday, Wheeler was flown to New York. Should I get out the emojis?! Yes, but the sad face one. Wheeler’s got something wrong with his clavicle. The Mets franchise womb is polluted! If Wheeler’s injured, he’s now the first one off my team. He will still be a great one for keepers, but in redraft leagues, you can’t wait out an injured minor leaguer.
Carlos Beltran – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer. Has he hit every homer on Saturday (the one day there’s no roundup)? I do not remember him having that many homers, and, yes, I wrote “do not” instead of don’t so my reading grade level on this post would be above the 4th grade.
Marco Scutaro – 3-for-5, 1 run. Don’t make me keep saying nice things about Scutaro just grab him.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. Considering he already has more than half of the homers that he hit last year, I’d say the breakout is finally here. Ignore the .233 average, he should hit about twenty-five points higher and can get to 20 homers.
Jered Weaver – His timetable is pointing to an early June return. His timetable also has a mullet.
Albert Pujols – Hit home run number six; Hamilton hit home run number five and Trout hit home run number seven (and added his 7th steal). Let me guess, Arte Moreno was in attendance.
Howie Kendrick – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (6) & legs (4). Really appreciate you making me look smart a year late. Thanks! *sullenly dives into a pool like Bill Murray in Rushmore*
Jeremy Guthrie – 7 IP, 5 ER, 14 baserunners, 0 Ks. Guthrie isn’t unlucky with his BABIP, xFIP or any of that other jazz. He’s just unlucky that the Angels’ shipment of smelling salts arrived yesterday.
Scott Kazmir – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. The running time for Led Zeppelin’s Kashmir is longer than it takes Kazmir to go from good to bad again.
Andrew Cashner – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. Due to Tillman, I watched this entire game. Cashner didn’t look quite as good as the line, but he also didn’t look bad. Meh, that’s the word you’re looking for. No, Random Italicized Voice, he wasn’t quite meh. Meh-like? Meh-lite? Tastes great, less fulfilling? Okay, let’s move on. Your world, boss. Cashner had a few hard hit balls at people and the 3 Ks shows he wasn’t exactly overpowering. Either way, he goes back to Petco, so he’s once again a start.
Andrew Bailey – Threw a 20-pitch bullpen session and could be closing games by early next week. That also pushes up his timetable to get re-injured.
John Lackey – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. John Full of Lack is more like it.
David Ortiz – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. He’s hitting .329. Didn’t he start showing signs of getting old like two years ago? Looks like David Ponce de Ortiz found the Fountain of Youth. Or Fountain of Yoots, if Joe Pesci is reading.
Adam Dunn – 1-for-4 with his 7th homer. Not technically, this was his 2nd day in a row with a homer because Hicks robbed him on Monday. If you’re desperate for power, he’s the type that could hit 7 homers in a 10-day span.
Dayan Viciedo – 1-for-3 with his 3rd homer. You might remember he was as hot as a junebug in July before he got hurt and missed three weeks. Looks like he’s returning just as hot. Veni, vidi, Viciedo!
Alexei Ramirez – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, steal and is 8 for his last 12 just as he was moved up to the two spot in the lineup. Also, has three steals in the last three games. For some reason, he tends to steal bases in handfuls…Or maybe that’s legfuls…I don’t know which way he slides.
Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks as he was propelled to victory by Adam Dunn’s homer. The Chicago Tribune better dust off the headline, “Jake and the Fatman Returns.”
Johnny Cueto – Ready to return. Cingrani, that burning you’re feeling in your shoulder is Cueto’s health lighting a fire under your ass.
Homer Bailey – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks in Crayola Canyon. The only thing more disgusting than the Marlins lineup is the giant center field sculpture of unicorn vomit. “I want an atomic tangerine with dolphins flying out of its nose.” That’s Loria describing the sculpture to the commissioned artist, who also happens to be blind.
Joey Votto – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. He’s hitting .322 and has a .454 OBP with 4 homers, but you’d never know it from all the comments regarding him ‘fellating a donkey’ and hoping he ‘eats doodie.’ I’m paraphrasing. I’d wish someone wanted to dump him on my team.
Matt Moore – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Every time I see him, I picture I just got off the Survivor island after 39 days and the first place I’m at is a Brazilian churrascaria and I’m screaming at the waiter, “I want Moore!”
Jose Molina – 3-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs. And Jose Molina is sitting next to me also screaming he wants more, but he’s not talking about Matt.
James Loney – 2-for-4, 1 run. James Bleh-Loney is hitting .381 on the year. I don’t like him in the grand scheme of things, but what are you an astronaut looking down on your team from space? Why do you have to concern yourself with the grand scheme of things?
Jean Segura – 1-for-6 with his 7th homer. Love this credo of his, “Every day make the fantasy baseball world just a bit better.” He’s like the Mother Teresa of shortstops. Or Bono.
Ryan Braun – 3-for-6, 1 run. Guess his stiffy went away. Sorry, four ladies.
Norichika Aoki – 3-for-6, 1 run, hitting .308 on the year with 4 homers and 6 steals. He’s on a better pace this year than last year. Yet…YET, you drafted him this year because of last year and you’re wondering if you should drop him? C’mon.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-5 with his 5th homer. So far this year, he seems to hit one homer then disappear for a few days. Hope he finds one of those hot streaks that he rode for about five months last year. It did start in May. Cust hopin’.
Neil Walker – 2-for-3, 2 runs in his second game back. Maybe if Walker ran he would’ve done it yesterday.
Derek Dietrich – 2-for-4, RBI as he bats in the three hole for the Marlins. Seems more like a candidate for the two hole, and I don’t mean in the batting order. For now, Dietrich looks like a poor man’s Yunel — I will call him Younotrich. While he is batting 3rd and playing every day (as long as Solano is out), Younotrich could provide some counting stats and maybe he’ll hit a few long balls since the information on him for pitchers is scant.
Jonathan Pettibone – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, has a 3.41 ERA and– Oh, who cares? He gets the Marlins in Crayola Canyon next.
Domonic Brown – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. If he gets 30 homers this year, I will kiss the first random hot girl I see.
Patrick Corbin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks. ERA down to 1.52. The walks in this game are a bit concerning for a guy that has stellar control, but considering the work the Braves did on Miley the day before, still a very impressive start. Of course, his ERA won’t stay below a two or even a three, but he looks startable for now against all teams, except the Rockies in Coors.
Sergio Santos – Will need elbow surgery, but may be able to wait until the season’s over. That sounds promising. It’s like, “Hey, my racehorse has a bum leg and is now using the harness racing cart like one of those dogs that only has three legs. Oh, and I need glue for my shelving. Guess I’ll wait until October!” Riiiight.
Melky Cabrera – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Will undergo an MRI on his legs on Wednesday. Posted on NotMelky.com yesterday was this note, “Usually a side effect of an MRI is testing positive for steroids. So, if this happens, the person should not be suspended.”
R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks. For the first time all year, Dickey looked right (as he curved left, which isn’t an easy feat).
Brett Lawrie – 3-for-5, 1 RBI. Okay, I’ll go one step further, the entire Toronto team finally looks like it’s woken up. Aboot time.
CC Sabathia – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 10 Ks season ERA at 3.19. Appears to be pretty much exactly as he’s looked for the last so many years. Maybe his demise was prematurely reported like The Ultimate Warrior. Though, I still don’t trust him.
Brett Gardner – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 6th steal. Grandy was back in the lineup, but Gardner, Ichiro and Wells remained in the lineup thanks to Hafner hurting. I’m not sure how it will play out when they’re all healthy– Ha! Sorry, I almost got through that sentence, but the “when they’re all healthy” got me.
Travis Hafner – Will have an MRI on his shoulder, and sit out at least a few days, saying his shoulder is feeling funky. That funky Pronky.
Mitch Moreland – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs as he hit his 8th and 9th homers. That’s like his 17th homer in the last 3 games. Give me your password and I’ll pick him up for your team.
Josh Donaldson – 4-for-5, 1 run, but had the bad luck of being sandwiched between three guys that went a combined 3-for-15 and three guys that went 0-for-7. That’s like one of those lettuce sandwiches. I got the meat, I need the bread. I’m not holding my salami in romaine, unless it’s Rebecca.