Member how I was saying yesterday that I owned Zack Cozart in multiple leagues, and he was a top five shortstop this year on our Player Rater, but I didn’t really appreciate him? Do I even need to tell you what happened next? Can you guess? If you hold your ear to the computer, does it help you guess? Cozart lunged for the 1st base bag as he was going down the line, hyperextended his knee and is headed to the DL. Einstein was right, “Absence does make the heart grow fonder.” Or maybe that was Peabo Bryson. I always confuse those two on attributing quotes. It’s usually one or the other. Was it Peabo Bryson who did the theory of relativity? Why can’t I spell genius without spellchecker? Questions for another day. One potential fill-in is Ivan De Jesus (1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer). De Jesus now has homers in two of three games, that’s twice as many homers as his dad had in his final 600 plate appearances. With Cozart out for who knows how long, De Jesus Jr., or as Christians and Nike marketers like to call him Lil’ Jesus, could be the shortstop, but so could Kris Negron (1-for-4). Negron, please! If it’s Lil’ Jesus, well, it’s worse than Negron, please! Lil’ Jesus doesn’t have much power or speed, while Negron, please, at least swiped 30+ bags one year in the minors. Neither are advisable outside of NL-Only leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jon Moscot – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.91. This was Moscot’s first major league win. Sweet Moscot! A little too sweet though, may as well be drinking Grape Kool-Aid.
Brayan Pena – 4-for-4, run, 2 RBIs as Rudy streamed him in our RCL league. I saw him grab Brayan, and I thought Rudy might’ve been confusing him with a donkey, but it looks like I’m the jackass. Speaking of Rudy, if you play DFS, I’d check out the Lineup Optimizer that Rudy worked out the deets on. Pretty cool like Kate Upton is pretty pretty.
Andrew Miller – Hit the DL with forearm tightness. In related news, Dr. James Andrews was looking at a brochure of Hawaii. Not to vacation, but to buy an island. “You see that volcano? That’s built from elbow tendons.” Dellin Betances will obviously close in Miller’s stead, and be terrific; too bad he’s owned everywhere.
Nathan Eovaldi – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 4.13. At this point, Eovaldi is still a streamer, and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t have great things to say about his next start, but, well, I would stream him in Miami, if I were desperate. Crayola Canyon doesn’t scare me. Plus, maybe he’ll be pumped to play again in front of the dozens of Marlins fans.
Danny Espinosa – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .263. If you lost Cozart or your MI slot is just a suckhole, I could see adding Espinosa. Plus, he rocks a mustache that looks like grandma’s chinchilla fur stole.
Denard Span – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 4th steal. Since he’s been dealing with back issues of Men’s Health like Tom Cruise, it’s a good sign that Span stole a bag.
Lance Lynn – Sent for an MRI on his forearm. Dr. James Andrews added, “And that red frothing from the volcano, there, that’s not lava.”
Carlos Martinez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks in Coors, ERA is now down to 2.93. Here’s frequent commenter, L-Boogie, “Why, oh why, did I ever drop C-Mart? Oh right, it was those back-to-back 7 ER games. Remember those? I do…every time he throws a gem.” My sentiments exactly.
Randal Grichuk – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. How much power can the Grichuk chuck if the Grichuk could chuck power? A lot, I think. I’m slightly surprised more hasn’t been made of him, but he had 25 homers in Triple-A last year, and he’s only 23 years old. I’d definitely take a flyer, if I had room.
Jason Heyward – 1-for-4. It’s likely not a good sign that I own him, and, even in Coors, I hope he’s benched by the Cards so I can play someone else. Oh, and it’s a deep league. In shallower leagues, I’d look elsewhere, if you haven’t already.
Ben Paulsen – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs as he hit his 5th homer, coming into the game late. No idea why Walt Weiss isn’t playing him every day, but I doubt Weiss knows either. For what it’s Wuertz, Paulsen is actually hitting better on the road.
Scott Copeland – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. For Copeland, de do do do de da da da is all I want to say to you.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-3, 2 runs, but was lifted from yesterday’s game with renewed shoulder soreness. Okay, how about a cortisone shot every other day? Is there a limit on these things? I believe The Ultimate Warrior testified that Vince McMahon used to give him a few cortisone shots a day. Obviously, this is terrible news for Edwin. I keep waiting to hear the Blue Jays are confusing Edwin and Bautista. Wasn’t Jose the one with shoulder soreness? Wasn’t that why I traded him for Effin Stressbird? Why do you mock me, Fantasy Baseball Overlord?!
Justin Smoak – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. With Edwin sidelined, Smoak should be in line for near-everyday playing time. One of JayWrong’s preseason bold predictions was Smoak would have more value than the last season of Lost. Well, that’s not hard. The Big Bang Theory without the laugh track beats that.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4 and his 17th homer. For not drafting Donaldson on every team after ranking him above all other ‘perts, I’m going to put in a bid for the world’s smallest violin on eBay. Maybe I’ll get two and start an orchestra to play for my lack of drafting Bryce too.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. OZUNA find sweet spot of bat. OZUNA get cavity. OZUNA think unrelated.
Fernando Rodney – Another day, another head-scratching quote from Lloyd Christmas McClendon. McClendon’s standard fortune cookie: You don’t need dandruff to make one scratch their head. Xmas said, “I’m committed right now, if (Rodney’s) closing out a game, to getting him some help in the ninth on the front end if there’s a tough lefty or something. Anything to try to jump-start him. Listen, we need (Rodney). If we’re going to make a run at this, and be as successful as we think we’re going to be, we’ve got to have him. The other kid (Smith) has greatness written all over him, but if we think we can run him out there three or four days in a row, it’s just not going to happen.” McClendon reminds me of a manager at Best Buy that tries really hard to push a Zune on you.
Taijuan Walker – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. Hmm, Grey says curiously. This was in an away game too. Huh, Grey says twirling his mustache. This was against a better than league average offense in their home stadium. Could have Taijuan finally stuck his head out of the fantasy baseball sleeper vagina and be born a man? I’d grab him to find out.
Kyle Seager – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .280. You know how Seager hit that homer? Against the wind.
Brad Miller – 2-for-3, 1 run and has a hit in each game of the last week. Hot schmotato alert!…Well, kinda. He hasn’t shown any power or speed, and only one hit every game this week, yesterday excluded. Worth cyclops’ing for now.
Trevor Bauer – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER. The Regression Fairies quote Perez Hilton, they call margaritas margies and they will stomp on your ERA dreams.
Yan Gomes – 2-for-4, a day after hitting two homers. Glad to see him finally emerge from extended spring training.
Brock Holt – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .305 on the year and near-.400 in the week, and has taken over Betts’s two-hole, even if that sounds like something out of Oz.
Hunter Pence – About to hit the DL with discomfort in his wrist. If he didn’t flap his arms when he ran, this wouldn’t happen!
Nori Aoki – 4-for-5, 2 runs. I always find this amusing, since no one reads the newspaper anymore, or the USA Today, specifically, which details the top five leaders in stat categories. Any guesses to where Aoki ranks in the NL or the majors, for that matter, in batting average? Go ahead, think about it, I’ll wait. *cracks knuckle, accidentally pops knuckle out, dials Cougs with good hand, Cougs brings ice* He ranks fourth in the NL, and tied for sixth in the majors for batting average! Crazy, right?
Joe Panik – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. You haven’t knocked up your girlfriend of three days, but now is the time for Panik.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .296. This isn’t a crack on him, but he could have 17 homers in June and I’d still think he was going to finish the season with no more than 17 homers. Okay, maybe it’s a small crack.
Justin Maxwell – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .240. “Dude, that’s almost 420.” Okay, Lincecum. Maxwell stands to gain the most uptick in playing time due to Pence’s injury, but he’s streamer for most leagues unless he gets hot.
Juan Lagares – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting near-.350 in June. Hot schmotato alert!
Matt Harvey – 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 3.62. Don’t worry, if he pitches poorly, I won’t say I told you so. Only, of course, I’ll point it out by saying I won’t say it.
Alex Avila – MRI revealed no new damage in his knee. Just the same old damage.
Chris Coghlan – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Hasn’t done a whole lot recently, but he tends to get hot in fits like an epileptic schmotato.
Chris Denorfia – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .441. Sadly, for him and Lake, they’re platoon guys. And not the fun platoon guys like Charlie Sheen would shotgun with.
Miguel Montero – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. He hasn’t been as good as Posey, but considering you could’ve drafted him 235 spots later, he’s been okay.
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-3, 1 run, and continues his run of multiple hit games, now it’s up to four, and five in six games, raising his average twenty points in a week’s time. Thankfully, he no longer seems distracted by his attempt to open a casual kosher steakhouse, L’chaim Jumper.
Vincent Velasquez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks in his first start. I watched some of this game, and two things stood out, nasty and wild. Lot could’ve been happening here, nerves that come with his first start and in an away stadium, even if it was the White Sux. I’d hold him for his next start, at least.
George Springer – 5-for-5 and his 13th steal. All five hits were singles for the Tony Gwynn Cycle. *pours some maple syrup out for the brother who ain’t here*
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Six more by the All-Star break and we’re good. C’mon, man, keep it going!
Adam LaRoche – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, and his third homer in ten games. Dare I say, the White Sux are getting hot? Okay, it’s not exactly like a BASE jump dare, but it’s something.
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.00. I believe in real baseball vernacular that’s a workman-like performance, scattering six hits and two walks, punching out three. And it’s as boring as it sounds.
Charlie Morton – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.05. I’m not being dense when I say Morton’s a streamer. He’s a 6-ish K/9 guy with solid walks. That’s ownable in deep leagues, and Morton is worth his salt, but I can’t get that excited about him. The Stream-o-Nator is just okay on him for his start, but I would stream him.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, but left with an undisclosed injury. Maybe Sarah Koenig could get to the bottom of it.
Trevor Plouffe – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. This could be confirmation bias but I feel like every time he hits a homer, he follows it with another homer. That, of course, would mean, if he hit a homer on Opening Day, he’d hit 162 homers a year, but just go with it.
Alex Gordon – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. I could’ve sworn he had, like, maybe three homers. He must’ve hit them on the weekend when I’m snoozing late and trying to pick up pretzels with my toes.
Edinson Volquez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.07. Yet…Again, with some stank…YET! I streamed Jesse Hahn (3 2/3 IP, 4 ER) when Edinson was right there for the taking. Grey — zero, The Fantasy Gods — a zillion.
Marcus Semien – 1-for-4 and his 20th error. Take Semien to the bank at your own peril (the tellers at Wells Fargo are not easily amused).
Martin Perez – Ready for a rehab assignment. That assignment is to not need Tommy John surgery again. He should return around the All-Star break. Definitely worth stashing now in deeper leagues. He’s a pretty middling pitcher, even when healthy, so in most leagues, I’d take a wait and see approach like when that teenager turned up at your door saying you were his father.
Mitch Moreland – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Seriously, flaming hot schmotato. Mitch won’t kill your vibe, Mitch won’t kill your vibe.
Yovani Gallardo – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.45. His peripherals look like a fourth to fifth fantasy starter. The emotional scars I have from owning him through the years have not been as kind.
Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. It’s funny (not funny), but I own Grandal in one league, and when I get something from my catcher slot, I literally do a double take, forgetting I have a catcher.
Yasiel Puig – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. When Pweeg’s fly!
Paul Goldschmidt – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Au Shizz!
Yasmany Tomas – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week and has been playing the outfield pretty regularly with the return of Lamb, even if Lamb himself hasn’t been playing. We’re sure Yasmany didn’t eat Lamb, right?
A.J. Pollock – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .326. For those just emerging from a two-month, medically-induced coma, Pollock’s having a great year.
Desmond Jennings – Expected to miss eight weeks after he underwent arthroscopic knee surgery. Sounds like a walk in the park. Washington Square Park, at night, prior to Giuliani, wearing a sign that says, “Carrying lots of cash.”
Jake McGee – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save, as Boxberger set him up. I’m not saying McGee’s been bad, but he has a 3.00 ERA and Boxberger has a 2.82 ERA. I feel like Kevin Cash is having a pissing contest with Maddon as to who can be more El Pollo Loco. I wouldn’t be surprised if McGee is now the closer the rest of the year, and I also wouldn’t be surprised if Jepsen closes the next game or Boxberger. It’s your everyday closerousel, basically.
Erasmo Ramirez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.98. This wasn’t a particularly amazing game, but I’m mentioning it because Erasmo has been a crush of mine in the past, due to his stuff, and he’s had three straight decent games. I think he’s moving into 15-team ownable, shallower team watch area. Or I guess that’s Areasmo.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Longoria’s been so predictably one note, and that one note is nails on a chalkboard, that I actually saw in one box score that he homered and I checked a different source to make sure it wasn’t a typo.
Williams Perez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.78. I wonder if Williams’s family knows Kennys’s. If they get together and talk about the many joys they’ve received from their one childs. As for Williams for fantasy, he has no control, like his family with plurals.
Nick Markakis – 2-for-3, 1 run. He has zero homers this year. I’ve seen more power from a Greek woman getting moisture out of feta.
Tyson Ross – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.81 vs. the Braves. He’s been the king of the bleh start this year. He’s gone five or six innings and given up two or three runs in 10 of 13 starts, and worse with four earned once and twice better with seven innings and two earned runs. Talk about yawnstipating. He does have a 9+ K/9, which is a plus. Unfortch, he also has a 1.53 WHIP, which is a huge ugh. Petco is also a plus and he had a better walk rate in May than April, so I’d try to ride it out.
Wil Myers – Expected back on Thursday. My teams all took a nosedive when he went to the DL, so it’s not expecting too much to think he’s going to turn around my teams, right? I mean, he can help Rendon, Sandoval and Lorenzo Cain hit for power, right?
Jedd Gyorko – Optioned to the minor leagues. Sounds to me like a 2016 sleeper!