Hello darkness, my old friend…I sing to the T. Mahle coming out my butt a day after eating Chipotle is this enough details for you I can’t even punctuate I’m so miserable. WHAT THE EFF, Tyler Mahle (2 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.20)? 4.20 is right because I want to get high to numb the pain. Eff me, that was brutal. Maybe I can sit down again in June. Right now I’m too sore from ingesting that T. Mahle. One of those Giants buggers, Steven Duggar (2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs) and his 2nd homer, and on top of that Mahle shelllacking — yes, I’m still on that! — no one on the Giants is anywhere near my teams, except Tauchman and he didn’t even play. Holy sit! Darrin Ruf (4-for-5, 4 runs 2 RBIs) hit his 6th homer. Ruf’s having one of those years where you wouldn’t dare pick him up in mixed leagues, but is having a great deep NL-Only year, considering he was picked up off waivers, which is what I tell myself when I want to feel pain, because I dropped Ruf the 2nd week of the season in a 12-team NL-Only league. Haha, I am sucking it up, folx! Also, in on the action is Brandon Crawford (3-for-6, 3 runs, 6 RBIs, hitting .261) and his 11th homer. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column as he’s been for the last few weeks. I almost removed him because he really shouldn’t be on waivers, and I think it’s just ESPN fantasy baseballers being goofy. If you want to see the Buy/Sell now, subscribe to our Patreon. Next up, Evan Longoria (3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .248) hit his 5th homer, and the Giants are the best team in the majors. Welcome to 2021. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Logan Webb – Hit the IL with a shoulder strain. Gabe Kapler said Webb might only miss one turn in the rotation. Oh…*walks across country, picks 15,000 blueberries in Maine, counting each one very slowly, then*….kay.
Mike Moustakas – Hit the IL with a heel issue. Sounds like what happened to Hulk Hogan when he went to WCW.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .157. He was playing over at 3rd base yesterday, which now Ding Dong Bell will think is why the Reds lost by 15. Haha, we cannot win by losing.
Jason Heyward – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Heyward Jablowme should be back by June.
Randy Arozarena – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 3rd in two games. Randy, “Why are the leaves not changing?” “Um, it’s Florida, man! We are totally in the October playoffs. We live for this, right, bro?” Randy, “Okay, but we’re in Baltimore.” “Leaves don’t changes here either. Randy, it’s October! Stop fighting it.” Randy, “Okay, but why are you swinging that antique watch on a fob in front of my face?” So, looks like Randy wasn’t just an October Surprise, and nothing else. He’s instead an incredibly streaky player. Wondering how long it lasts? Same, because last year the World Series ended before he cooled off, so Randy might hit 20 homers in the next two months, or might cool off by the time he leaves Baltimore. Too early to say.
Rich Hill – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.89. The ageless wonder some of the kids call Dick Mountain, but I call Blisterex just keeps rolling. The Streamonator loves his next one, and *shrugs* I guess if you have to.
Joey Wendle – 4-for-6 and his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .309. Likely should be getting more pub from me. Having a more than respectable season for him, and for Trevor Story for that matter, as they’re way too close on the Player Rater.
Trey Mancini – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, and 3rd homer in the last two games. Balls are flying out in Camden town. Madness. With Mancini reminding everyone this is “Our House,” let’s see them do it against DeSKAlfani.
Cole Irvin – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.59. We get six no-hitters in six days, and now suddenly all ‘safe’ pitchers are not safe. Rob Manfred is 100% finagling with the balls. You can’t tell me different. I was even gonna ask in the opening, how long until we find out the Giants have been bringing their own baseballs to games?
Mark Canha – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .250. Canha feels like the only outfielder I drafted that is doing exactly what I expected. For better or worse.
Tony Kemp – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .232. Didn’t believe he actually hit the ball out of the park, so I searched for the clip. He did. Barely, but there it was over the fence. If Tony Kemp can homer…I’m farting in your direction, Trevor Story.
Luis Garcia – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.38. I keep saying ignore Streamonator with Luis Garcia, he’s better than it thinks. I have no idea why, but what I think it is: Lack of sample to gauge. He only pitched in High-A, before last year when he wasn’t very good (peripheral-wise). He looks like a 10+ K/9, 3.5 BB/9 pitcher though, and that’s startable in most leagues until further notice.
Domingo German – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Short schedule day in-depth random pitcher inquiry! German’s at 8.5 K/9, 1.6 BB/9, tad low on homers allowed prolly in a home park like Yankee Stadium, so likely more of a 3.75 ERA vs. low-3, but everything else checks out as being back to where it was in his last full year. Looks like a solid 4th to 5th fantasy starter.
Dane Dunning – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.74. This is neither here nor there for fantasy, but his opponents, the Yanks, are so clearly built for a playoff berth, then an almost immediate loss in a five game series. As for Dunning, I’d use Streamonator for him in most mixed leagues. He needs to earn every-time-out status.
Jose Marmolejos – Designated for assignment, as the Mariners made a flurry of moves. When you’re no-hit every third day, something’s gotta give. They optioned down Luis Torrens, and added Jacob Nottingham off waivers. Oh, yeah, The Sheriff’s back in town and gonna fix everything.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .216. After a slow start — Schlowstarber? — he’s having a totes normie year for him.
Josh Bell – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .176. Bell with the ding dong! Is that a thing? Did I do a thing?
Ian Happ – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer, hitting .206, and up to the cleanup spot, and four homers in the last five games, and five homers in the last seven. Happ manages to work himself into every comment. It’s like, “Grey, stunning face, could you rank Dylan Bundy, Graveman and Ian Happ?” Those three guys are in every comment.
Nico Hoerner – 1-for-3, hitting .345. Yo, how dumb do you have to be to seriously not figure out Hoerner’s so clearly is the Cubs’ leadoff man? Rhetorical!
Joc Pederson – 2-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .267. Joc was the leadoff man, which I never understood, and I understand OBP, thank you, don’t explain it to me. Joc did look like he hurt his oblique late in the game, so I am once again asking you, move Hoerner up!
David Price – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.26, as he worked as an opener. Don’t even ask. You’re only seeing his name and nothing more.
Albert Pujols – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 1st as a Dodger. Go into the Hall as a Dodger!
Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11h homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and 4 homers in the last six games. Funny, right now I’m watching Snowfall, so in some ways I’m watching Escobar’s origin story.
Merrill Kelly – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 5.05. Well, hello there. 12 Ks from Merrill Kelly? Damn. Merrilly, Merrilly, Merrilly, life is but a stream.
Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.63. Candy’s sweet, but Sandy’s dandy. Is that how that goes? I remember my grandmother saying something like that to me, when everything was a euphemism. Before the internet, people spent all day trying to decipher each other. Actually, that still goes on, it’s called Twitter.
Miguel Rojas – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer. Elsewhere, Jose Rojas hit his 2nd homer. Elias Sports Bureau said if Josh Rojas homered, it would’ve paid out $5.00 in nickels for three cherries. Hmm, I’m beginning to think Elias is sorta making these up.
Rafael Dolis – 1 IP, 3 ER, blew the save, ERA moves to 5.52. Jordan Romano (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.63) worked the 8th inning, and the heart of the order, and Dolis looked as bad as he did his first game back. Give it time, Charlie Montoyo will figure it out, until then I’m muttering, “Rafael Dolis killed my ratios, prepare Romano to try.”
Steven Matz – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.69 vs. Nick Pivetta – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.59. This was a matchup billed as, “Wouldn’t stream vs. That’s a woof from me, dawg.” Ended up a push as the bullpens tried to clean up both starters’ messes.
Bobby Dalbec – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Oh, you best believe Bobby D. is in this afternoon’s Buy. He’s a hellacious schmotato.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. Just Dong, because the alternative makes one shudder.
Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.11. Someone asked if I’d start Smyly yesterday, and I was pretty meh, then I heard them say the Streamonator had it as a huge positive, so of course I would. My point I guess is I don’t know anyone’s matchup. If I had known Smyly was home vs. the Pirates, then, yeah, of course.
William Contreras – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .255. So sad to admit this, but he’s like one of my best pickups of the year. Will (not Contreras) someone start hitting already!
Dansby Swanson – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .222. I get it, it’s been tough to roster him so far, but you can ask me two dozen times if I’d drop him, and each time will be no.
Jacob Stallings – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. He only hits like seven homers a year, and I had him on my bench for this one. Don’t ask why, just give me a sonavabench!
Vince Velasquez – Was a last-minute scratch with a numb finger. That’s scary. I had a numb finger once. Then I realized I was sitting on it, on top of a block of ice.
Griffin Canning – 2 IP, 4 ER, and ERA is 5.56, and you had seven weeks, now get off my teams. I’ll go with a random middle reliever before starting Canning again.
Phil Gosselin – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Phil Plus Eight was hitting 2nd yesterday in the day game, Ohtani’s usual lineup spot, and…*brain begins to grow to three times its normal size*…Is it Ohtani that’s great or the two-hole?
Taylor Ward – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Maddon’s never bringing up Adell or Marsh, right? Not sure what I’m thinking when expecting prospects to get promoted. It really is like prospecting, but in the 1880s. You go out for gold, get a cold and it’s a wrap. Put nickels over your eyes.
Kenta Maeda – Will start Saturday, after experiencing tightness in his groin. Funny, when he pitches, I experience tightness in my sphincter.
Hansel Robles – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.06, as Taylor Rogers worked the 6th (of 7). Robles is the go-to guy for a team that should win games, as crazy as both those statements may seem with the 13-games-under-.500 Twins.
Miguel Sano – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, 4th in two days, 5th in 12 hours, 17th in a week. Dude’s on a smoker, and he is beefing out some jerky; watch out!
Mitch Garver – 1-for-4, and his 7th homer, and 40th homer in the last 162 games. He’s still rocking a Joey Gallo-esque strikeout rate, but at least he’s homering like Gallo too.
Trevor Larnach – 1-for-6 and his 1st homer, hitting .250. Larnach the Magnificent begins, “I hold in my hand a hermetically sealed envelope, that has been stored in a jar labeled, ‘Juiced baseballs, don’t use,’ and has not been touched all day. No one knows the contents of this envelope. I will now hold the envelope to my head and tell you the answer, then open to reveal the question.” Drumroll, envelope goes to head, “The answer is…’About as much as Cody Bellinger this year.'” Dramatically, opens the envelope, “And the question is, ‘How much for these misprinted SANGOF t-shirts?'”
Byron Buxton – Baldelli said Buxton limited to light movements. Dude’s got the mobility of a Wal-Mart greeter.
