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This week’s slate of two start pitchers reminds me of fire-crotched former hottie and child star Lindsey Lohan. So let’s examine the parallels. No, they don’t have whiney coked up fathers or unstable attention whore mothers who may or may not be as equally coked up. No, they don’t post pictures to their Instagram accounts where they fail miserably at “breaking the internet”. Well, they may do all these things, but not to my knowledge. Then again, my knowledge consists of Fantasy soccer, baseball, and Fernando Tatis MS paint artwork. Oh you are unfamiliar with Tatis’s work? Click here and check her out. Seriously, I have five Tatis’ on my office walls at work. People often ask if those are blown up drawings by my four-year-old son. When I inform them that are in fact cherished works of computer generated art by a former fringe major leaguer, they typically stop extending invitations to lunch, but no matter, I like eating alone. Where were we? Oh yeah! Lindsey Lohan and two-start pitchers! So much like Lindsey Lohan’s career and looks the options start strong, but are very brief and ummmm….well, drop off dramatically. In the first two weeks we’ve been blessed with a plethora of sexy names and strong performers to double up on in our head to head and weekly leagues. This week not so moooch! (Last sentence said with bad Italian accent) I even struggle to rank anyone in the top tier. I love Jake Arrieta and you can make the case that he is matchup proof at this point but it’s two road starts. The first against a good offense and the second against an above average offense at a hitter’s park. I guess he’s sort of like Mean Girls Lindsey. She’s certainly hot and it’s an entertaining flick but A. Do you look like a creep for drooling over a teenager? and B. do you share with your bros that you were watching Mean Girls on TBS for the fourth time? (Shawshank Redemption it is not my friends.) That just means we need to dig a little deeper and appreciate each tier for what it is. Sort of like Lindsey’s wild coked out knife play phase, her lesbian phase, her doing anything for money including nude pictorials phase. We just need to avoid her methed out shell of herself phase. Those ladies and gentleman are your tiers. Good luck may your Li-Lo’s be kind.

Mean Girls Lindsey – This is the top tier the small flicker of promise from a career filled with let downs. Not that the other phases weren’t attractive but this is the phase with the fewest flaws. Some times beauty is fleeting other times it disappears through your nose one rail-road track at a time. This tier has Jake Arrieta by his lonesome. He’s a lonely Mean Girl, like Regina George right before she gets pancaked by a bus. What? I said I’ve seen the movie like 4 times…

Jake Arrieta, CHC: (@PIT, @CIN)

Wild Coked-Out Knife Play Lindsey – This is where the drop off begins, but it’s easy to get caught up in the moment. These options are fun, still have some hot upside enough that you can completely ignore all of the warning signs of drug abuse, narcissism, and insanity. Well yeah maybe they aren’t bi-polar, drug addled narcissists, but there’s something keeping them from reaching their peak performance (i.e bad matchups, returning from injury).  The best example of this is Carlos Carrasco who took a ball off his melon, not unfamiliar territory to Lindsey I’m sure. He faces two tough matchups at Chicago, and at Detroit. Another member of this tier is Chris Archer who’s been en fuego his first two turns, but his .156 BABIP and matchups against two top offenses gives me pause. But as we say on the soccer site, Form matters. That’s fancy English for chase the hot streak. I’m including Matt Shoemaker in here as well who should be pushed back to Monday with Garrett Richards rejoining the rotation on Sunday.

Carlos Carrasco, CLE: (@CWS, @DET); Matt Shoemaker, LAA: (vs. OAK, vs. TEX); Hisashi Iwakuma, SEA: (vs. HOU, vs. MIN); Gio Gonzalez, WSH: (vs. STL, @MIA)Chris Archer, TB: (vs. BOS, vs. TOR); Francisco Liriano, PIT: (vs. CHC, @ARI); Lance LynnSTL (@WSH, @MIL); Alfredo Simon, DET: (vs. NYY, vs. CLE)

Ladies Man Lindsey – This is the Lindsey that explores her sexuality but it strangely comes off in a way that is completely devoid of any inkling of the typical girl on girl male fantasy. Maybe that’s not true, but it’s not as hot as it should be, you know like the Neve Campbell/Denise Richards kiss. So maybe these starts aren’t so bad and maybe Lindsey wasn’t so bad at this point, but it’s not Mean Girls hot or hanging out with dime pieces and knives hot either. There’s cracks in the facade dear readers. I really like Jose Quintana and thought he looked great the last time out against the tribe, but the second start against the Royals scares me. They beat him up for 5 runs in his first time on the bump this season, so I may just avoid that one. That’s sort of the story in this tier lots of good start/bad start double dippers. One starter I was on the fence about was the top option in this tier Drew Pomeranz. The Oakland starter has been money issuing 1 walk to 11 K’s in his first two starts, but the visit to Angel Stadium makes me a little ascared. If you push me over, and stick my face in dog poo, because you disagree with my Pomeranz ranking. I wouldn’t blame you. I’m kind of a dick. You’ll see Razzball favorito Mike Fiers at the caboose of the tier, which is apropos because he’s been booty. K’s have been there though, and he’s only issued two walks. His inability to get out of the 6th is concerning.

Drew Pomeranz, OAK: (@LAA, @HOU); Jose Quintana, CWS: (@CLE, vs. KC)A.J. Burnett, PIT: (vs. CHC, @ARI); Trevor Bauer, CLE: (@CWS, @DET); Brett Anderson, LAD: (@SF, @SD); Dan Haren, MIA: (@PHI, vs. WAS); Anthony DeSclafani, CIN: (@MIA, vs. CHC); Travis Wood, CHC: (@PIT, @CIN)Mike Fiers, MIL: (vs. Cin, vs. STL)

You want to see my cans? Lindsey – This tier has double dippers that you’d start once, but you’re not thrilled about doing it twice. The same way you’d look at Lindsey’s double dippers but you’re dreaming about them in their heyday and not after years of late nights and gettin turnt up a few too many times. This tier’s poster boy is C.C. Sabathia. You love the home start against the Mets, well sort of, but do you really trust him? Other interesting plays are Edinson Volquez vs. Minnesota, but not at Chicago, Jon Niese vs. Atlanta, but not at the Yanks, Nathan Eovaldi vs. the Mets, but not @ Detroit.

C.C. Sabathia, NYY: (@DET, vs. NYM); Edinson Volquez, KC: (vs. MIN, @CWS); Jon Niese, NYM: (vs. ATL, @NYY); Nathan Eovaldi, NYY: (@DET, vs. NYM); Jason Vargas, KC: (vs. MIN, @CWS); Wily Peralta, MIL: (vs. CIN, vs. STL); Brandon Morrow, SD: (@COL, vs. LAD); Mark Buehrle, TOR: (vs. BAL, @TB).

Meth Lindsey – Proceed with caution sirs…

Kendall Graveman, OAK: (@LAA, vs. HOU); Hector Santiago, LAA: (vs. OAK, vs. TEX); Trevor Cahill, ATL: (@NYM, @PHI); Odrisamer Despaigne, SD: (@COL, vs. LAD); Justin Masterson, BOS: (vs. BAL, @BAL); Wade Miley, BOS: (@TB, @BAL); Wei-Yin Chen, BAL: (@BOS, vs. BOS); Tim Lincecum, SF: (vs. LAD, @COL); Tyler Matzek, COL: (vs. SD, vs. SF); Kyle Gibson, MIN: (@KC, @SEA); Jerome Williams, PHI: (vs. MIA, @ATL); Bud Norris, BAL: (@TOR, vs. BOS); Jason Marquis, CIN: (@MIL, vs. CHC); John Danks, CWS: (vs. CLE, vs. KC)

 

   
  1. Red monster says:
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    Howdy man!

    Drop Tijuan Walker for any of these two start pitchers for week 3’s matchup?

    Iwakuma (Astros & twins)

    Lance Lynn (@ nats & @ Milwaukee)

    Anthony delscalfani (@ Miami & vs cubs)

    Jon niese (vs Braves & @ Yankees)

    Carlos carrasco is already rostered by someone & I already own shoemaker

    Part 2 ,
    My catcher has been struggling (mesoraco) drop a struggling Steve Pearce for Stephen Vogt (who just got Catcher eligibility on ESPN) or just roll with mesoraco & drop Pearce for 2b Devon Travis (my only 2b I have is odor)

    Thanks have a great Saturday!

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Red monster: Hashi Mi dashi and pickup Vogt

    • Mac McMacinmac says:
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      @Red monster: both Vogt and Travis should be on your team yesterday.

  2. JB says:
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    in a a bubble cargo and cobb or scherzer and alex gordon and how close is it??

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @JB: Scherzer and Gordon, but I love Max this year. Cargo and Cobb would be close but so many injury concerns there.

  3. royce! says:
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    Thank you so much for sharing the Fernado Tatis paintings! This is truly the best thing to happen to me today, unless the Padres end up winning in extra innings. I take that back. Even if the Padres win.

    • Wake Up says:
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      @royce!: Haha…

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @royce!: I seriously have them on my office wall no joke.

      • royce! says:
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        @Ralph Lifshitz: I actually spent some time researching them just to make sure it wasn’t a joke. So brilliant.

  4. Wake Up says:
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    Hey, everyone should check to see if they have a program called solitaire. I just found it. It’s awesome!

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Wake Up: Somt have time busy with Snake on my Nokia

  5. bemore sutts says:
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    Happy weekend

    who is a better start? TWood with two turns or Cashner with just one in LA?
    Standard 5×5

    Thanks!

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @bemore sutts: Wood with two

  6. Sarge says:
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    Have greg Holland and netfali feliz as two closers in a 12 team league there’s no one on the waivers to pick up for saves (saves/net saves) 2 categories. Do I try and trade for a closer or just just punt those categories next couple of weeks since Hollands out

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Sarge: Try and trade for a closer.

  7. PhrasingBackInTheMix says:
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    Thanks, killed it as usual with all the info and analysis!

    In a 10-team points league with 2.5 pts per IP and 5 pts per win, who would you roll with?Options from my roster are:

    McHugh (at Sea)
    Paxton (vs Min) – Streamonator’s choice
    Yordano (at ChiSox)
    Greene (vs Cle)

    or I could pick up one of the 2-starters available: Simon, Quintana, Anderson, Burnett, Haren

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @PhrasingBackInTheMix: I like Greene from the options you have but with those IP points a two starter like Burnett with those solid matchups is nice.

  8. Jerry says:
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    Would you drop Hughes for any of the following: Burnett, DeScalfani, McCarthy, or Simon or continue to hold for a bit longer?

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Jerry: Hold but I like Hughes. It’s early

  9. fifth comment says:
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    Swag airlines and the hot dog one are a couple of my all time favorites. I always wondered if it was actually Tatis doing those. For some reason I would find it more hilarious if he had a verified Twitter account.

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @fifth comment: I like the fishing one. Reminds me of the good times with my Grandpa.

  10. Tals23 says:
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    I have been offered Salvador Perez, chris archer, Dustin pedroia and Jason grilli for max sherzer…..my current catcher is Vogt, who I could move to OF til rios comes back….pedroia is an upgrade at 2b where I have DJ lemauie, archer is not sherzer but solid, and grilli fills a hole because I am short one closer…..I feel like it’s a deal that will make my team better yet I’m still hesitant to let sherzer go…..FYI….The other SP’s I have are Teheran, odirizzi, porcello, Bauer, Nelson, latos, iwakuma, and ryu…..is this a trade I should accept or will I regret not having one of the top 3 SP’s in baseball?

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Tals23: Seems like a good haul. If it’s h2h I’d do it in a second. What’s the format? How many teams?

  11. slimbo says:
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    Thinking of offering my travis for his walker

    It’s a keeper league and I know he’s thinking of trading him

    Do you like that move?

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @slimbo: Neil or Taijuan?

  12. Ante GALIC says:
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    Ralph!!!

    Great article, I love the Lindsay reference. You missed the Freaky Friday reference, but don’t know which pitchers would qualify in that category myself.

    Question: Is Bauer getting the second start in week 3? Looks like Salazar will stick in the rotation meaning he will pitch when his spot in the rotation comes up. Not 100% on Bauer’s 2-start status.

    Cheers,
    Ante

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Ante GALIC: I’m not either, these get done on Fridays so I take the better safe than sorry approach.

      I think I’d go to jail if I used Freaky Friday LOL

  13. Mike says:
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    Would u drop gregorson and pick up Betances??
    10 team standard

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Mike: I would stick with Gregorson

  14. Mike says:
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    Tyson Ross or Salazar ROS??

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Mike: I like Ross, Salazar scares the bejesus out of me still. It was the Twins don’t read into it too much.

  15. Sam says:
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    Need a hand here.. 14 team league, 27 players/team (season long roto).. Im near/at the top in all the pitching cats.. hitting.. not so much.

    I have a claim in for Odubel Herrara (dropping Bobby Parnell.. can’t hold any longer, specially cuz I think Familia has the job on lock (but also sitting on Yu and Stro in my DL (only 2 slots) for next year (keeper-auction with escalating prices.. got em nice and cheap))). Better off with O, Brad Miller or Wilmer Flores? I went O thinkin, though my power is weak, he can add to my hitting strengths (speed, runs.. though hasn’t worked out so well yet, ie. not killin it in, well, any hitting cat).

    Other question.. Gyrko.. outright drop at this point? Dominic Brown is sitting on the wire waiting to be plucked…
    Also have Doolittle and I don’t know what to do with him (note again, No DL space for him).. kinda concerned that he’s f’d anyways (injury biting into his ability to really dial it up this year + that Clippard looks nice and solid)

    Any thoughts/advice would be much appreciated.. thanks all!

    Does it help if I throw up my roster? probably.. here it is:
    C – Zunino; 1b- Hosmer; 2b – Murphy; 3b- Machado; SS- Jose Ramirez; MI- Gyrko; CI- Belt; OF – Yelich, Myers, Ozuna, Polanco, Soler; Util- Travis; Bn- Tomas
    P- Price, Teheran, Gray, Ventura, Wacha, Paxton, Tanaka, Rodon, Casilla, Ottavino, Grilli, & Doolittle + Parnell (not for long… see above) — 9 slots to start pitchers, no restrictions re SP/RP, just a 1500 innings cap over the season
    DL- Yu & Stro

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Sam: To question one I like Flores the most of the three.

      Question two Gyrko is droppable and Dom B wouldn’t be a bad move.

      • Sam says:
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        @Ralph Lifshitz: Thanks brother, just made a claim on Brown (for Gyrko). Thinkin of dropping Pax for Flores too.

        • Ralph Lifshitz

          Ralph Lifshitz says:
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          @Sam: Yeah Pax is hurting my feelings

  16. DMoney says:
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    16 team mixed 5*5 – how much of $100 FAAB would you use on Salazar?

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @DMoney: $5 probably. It depends how bad you want him what the bidding is like in the league.

      • DMoney says:
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        Thanks. ROS – Sale or FHer?

        • Ralph Lifshitz

          Ralph Lifshitz says:
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          @DMoney: FHer but really flip a coin.

  17. Adam says:
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    Would u drop dozier to pick up Travis??

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Adam: No I like Travis and all but Dozier will brak out of it.

  18. A Jax says:
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    Do we know if Bauer will really go twice, or will Salazar pitch the Sunday game now that he looked solid yesterday?

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @A Jax: We don’t but as I mentioned above this is written on Friday, prior to Salazar’s start and Intry to be better safe than sorry. Jose Quintana is mentioned and he ended up pitching today so things change quick.

  19. Scott says:
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    I’d love to add Alfredo Simon this week. Who is the least of my current SPs I can drop for him?

    Homer Bailey
    Doug Fister
    Matt Shoemaker
    James Paxton
    Brandon McCarthy
    Shelby Miller
    Shane Greene
    Jeff Samardzija

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Scott: If it isnt dynasty go Paxton.

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