This week’s slate of two start pitchers reminds me of fire-crotched former hottie and child star Lindsey Lohan. So let’s examine the parallels. No, they don’t have whiney coked up fathers or unstable attention whore mothers who may or may not be as equally coked up. No, they don’t post pictures to their Instagram accounts where they fail miserably at “breaking the internet”. Well, they may do all these things, but not to my knowledge. Then again, my knowledge consists of Fantasy soccer, baseball, and Fernando Tatis MS paint artwork. Oh you are unfamiliar with Tatis’s work? Click here and check her out. Seriously, I have five Tatis’ on my office walls at work. People often ask if those are blown up drawings by my four-year-old son. When I inform them that are in fact cherished works of computer generated art by a former fringe major leaguer, they typically stop extending invitations to lunch, but no matter, I like eating alone. Where were we? Oh yeah! Lindsey Lohan and two-start pitchers! So much like Lindsey Lohan’s career and looks the options start strong, but are very brief and ummmm….well, drop off dramatically. In the first two weeks we’ve been blessed with a plethora of sexy names and strong performers to double up on in our head to head and weekly leagues. This week not so moooch! (Last sentence said with bad Italian accent) I even struggle to rank anyone in the top tier. I love Jake Arrieta and you can make the case that he is matchup proof at this point but it’s two road starts. The first against a good offense and the second against an above average offense at a hitter’s park. I guess he’s sort of like Mean Girls Lindsey. She’s certainly hot and it’s an entertaining flick but A. Do you look like a creep for drooling over a teenager? and B. do you share with your bros that you were watching Mean Girls on TBS for the fourth time? (Shawshank Redemption it is not my friends.) That just means we need to dig a little deeper and appreciate each tier for what it is. Sort of like Lindsey’s wild coked out knife play phase, her lesbian phase, her doing anything for money including nude pictorials phase. We just need to avoid her methed out shell of herself phase. Those ladies and gentleman are your tiers. Good luck may your Li-Lo’s be kind.
Mean Girls Lindsey – This is the top tier the small flicker of promise from a career filled with let downs. Not that the other phases weren’t attractive but this is the phase with the fewest flaws. Some times beauty is fleeting other times it disappears through your nose one rail-road track at a time. This tier has Jake Arrieta by his lonesome. He’s a lonely Mean Girl, like Regina George right before she gets pancaked by a bus. What? I said I’ve seen the movie like 4 times…
Jake Arrieta, CHC: (@PIT, @CIN)
Wild Coked-Out Knife Play Lindsey – This is where the drop off begins, but it’s easy to get caught up in the moment. These options are fun, still have some hot upside enough that you can completely ignore all of the warning signs of drug abuse, narcissism, and insanity. Well yeah maybe they aren’t bi-polar, drug addled narcissists, but there’s something keeping them from reaching their peak performance (i.e bad matchups, returning from injury). The best example of this is Carlos Carrasco who took a ball off his melon, not unfamiliar territory to Lindsey I’m sure. He faces two tough matchups at Chicago, and at Detroit. Another member of this tier is Chris Archer who’s been en fuego his first two turns, but his .156 BABIP and matchups against two top offenses gives me pause. But as we say on the soccer site, Form matters. That’s fancy English for chase the hot streak. I’m including Matt Shoemaker in here as well who should be pushed back to Monday with Garrett Richards rejoining the rotation on Sunday.
Carlos Carrasco, CLE: (@CWS, @DET); Matt Shoemaker, LAA: (vs. OAK, vs. TEX); Hisashi Iwakuma, SEA: (vs. HOU, vs. MIN); Gio Gonzalez, WSH: (vs. STL, @MIA); Chris Archer, TB: (vs. BOS, vs. TOR); Francisco Liriano, PIT: (vs. CHC, @ARI); Lance Lynn, STL (@WSH, @MIL); Alfredo Simon, DET: (vs. NYY, vs. CLE)
Ladies Man Lindsey – This is the Lindsey that explores her sexuality but it strangely comes off in a way that is completely devoid of any inkling of the typical girl on girl male fantasy. Maybe that’s not true, but it’s not as hot as it should be, you know like the Neve Campbell/Denise Richards kiss. So maybe these starts aren’t so bad and maybe Lindsey wasn’t so bad at this point, but it’s not Mean Girls hot or hanging out with dime pieces and knives hot either. There’s cracks in the facade dear readers. I really like Jose Quintana and thought he looked great the last time out against the tribe, but the second start against the Royals scares me. They beat him up for 5 runs in his first time on the bump this season, so I may just avoid that one. That’s sort of the story in this tier lots of good start/bad start double dippers. One starter I was on the fence about was the top option in this tier Drew Pomeranz. The Oakland starter has been money issuing 1 walk to 11 K’s in his first two starts, but the visit to Angel Stadium makes me a little ascared. If you push me over, and stick my face in dog poo, because you disagree with my Pomeranz ranking. I wouldn’t blame you. I’m kind of a dick. You’ll see Razzball favorito Mike Fiers at the caboose of the tier, which is apropos because he’s been booty. K’s have been there though, and he’s only issued two walks. His inability to get out of the 6th is concerning.
Drew Pomeranz, OAK: (@LAA, @HOU); Jose Quintana, CWS: (@CLE, vs. KC); A.J. Burnett, PIT: (vs. CHC, @ARI); Trevor Bauer, CLE: (@CWS, @DET); Brett Anderson, LAD: (@SF, @SD); Dan Haren, MIA: (@PHI, vs. WAS); Anthony DeSclafani, CIN: (@MIA, vs. CHC); Travis Wood, CHC: (@PIT, @CIN); Mike Fiers, MIL: (vs. Cin, vs. STL)
You want to see my cans? Lindsey – This tier has double dippers that you’d start once, but you’re not thrilled about doing it twice. The same way you’d look at Lindsey’s double dippers but you’re dreaming about them in their heyday and not after years of late nights and gettin turnt up a few too many times. This tier’s poster boy is C.C. Sabathia. You love the home start against the Mets, well sort of, but do you really trust him? Other interesting plays are Edinson Volquez vs. Minnesota, but not at Chicago, Jon Niese vs. Atlanta, but not at the Yanks, Nathan Eovaldi vs. the Mets, but not @ Detroit.
C.C. Sabathia, NYY: (@DET, vs. NYM); Edinson Volquez, KC: (vs. MIN, @CWS); Jon Niese, NYM: (vs. ATL, @NYY); Nathan Eovaldi, NYY: (@DET, vs. NYM); Jason Vargas, KC: (vs. MIN, @CWS); Wily Peralta, MIL: (vs. CIN, vs. STL); Brandon Morrow, SD: (@COL, vs. LAD); Mark Buehrle, TOR: (vs. BAL, @TB).
Meth Lindsey – Proceed with caution sirs…
Kendall Graveman, OAK: (@LAA, vs. HOU); Hector Santiago, LAA: (vs. OAK, vs. TEX); Trevor Cahill, ATL: (@NYM, @PHI); Odrisamer Despaigne, SD: (@COL, vs. LAD); Justin Masterson, BOS: (vs. BAL, @BAL); Wade Miley, BOS: (@TB, @BAL); Wei-Yin Chen, BAL: (@BOS, vs. BOS); Tim Lincecum, SF: (vs. LAD, @COL); Tyler Matzek, COL: (vs. SD, vs. SF); Kyle Gibson, MIN: (@KC, @SEA); Jerome Williams, PHI: (vs. MIA, @ATL); Bud Norris, BAL: (@TOR, vs. BOS); Jason Marquis, CIN: (@MIL, vs. CHC); John Danks, CWS: (vs. CLE, vs. KC)