Kennys Vargas was demoted to Double-A. Shouldn’t it be Double-Kenny? It’s official, the Twins hate Vargas. They gave him all of about ten days to prove himself this time around. Maybe they just get off on killing Kennys. Oh, well, that’s all I wanted to say in the lede. Nothing else. Just gonna pick my cuticles until I get to that “Anyway, here’s what else” jazz that I always write. Oh, I guess I could mention Miguel Sano is being called up. I buried the lede worse than Kendall Graveman! First Buxton and now Sano, this is the most excitement Minnesota’s seen since Prince was spotted at a Cold Stone Creamery ordering raspberry sorbet, and, without missing a beat, the cashier said, “And if it was warm, you’d order much more,” then high-fived his oblivious co-worker. I just gave you my Miguel Sano fantasy. I wrote it with an 80’s glam Sharpie. I’ll add one thing to that. Grab him right now! He could hit .180 with power or he could hit .250 with power, but, either way, at corner infidel, you do worse, as my Jewish grandmother would say. After saying, “Oy, it’s hot in here.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Trevor May – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 4.37. May let quite a few runners on, but kept erasing them because he listened when told, “May the force outs be with you.”
Johnny Cueto – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 2.84. Threw 111 pitches yesterday, which brings up a good question, how long until the Yankees pay $35 million a year for this guy only to watch him need elbow surgery?
Taijuan Walker – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 7 Ks. The Mariners last two starters have limited the Padres to two hits. The move of Matt Kemp (0-for-4) to the leadoff spot has paid some serious dividends. If only Bud Black had thought of that. Maybe the Padres will only spend $400 million this offseason. For what it’s Wuertz, I like Taijuan more than Montgomery. Actually, I really like Taijuan. Really, really. Really, Really–I shouldn’t have thrown out my thesaurus.
Robinson Cano – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Even a broken clock is Cano twice a day.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. It’s time for no one’s favorite game, what has Cruz done since I told you to sell him?! Well, he only had one homer the entire month of June, so it’s not gonna be great. In 129 ABs, he has 3 HRs and a .248 average. He sounds like a real Gyorko!
Brad Miller – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 7th steal, a day after homering. Ugh, please don’t suck me into your upside vortex. Please, I have the Cougs to think about too!
James Shields – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 4.14. Not bad…For Aaron Harang. Snap!
Jesse Hahn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 3.35. This start came against the road Rockies, which are more of a speed bump. By the by, Hahn’s stats during streams on my team: 15 1/3 IP, 4.70 ERA and 5 Ks. If I don’t end with a 12 in ERA, I can say he had a Hahn in it. #firstplaceteamproblems. And, even though my streaming internet history is scary, I’d continue to look at Hahn through the eyes of the Stream-o-Nator.
Delmon Young – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to make a Venn diagram illustrating the overlap of Jews and corruption. So far, he has two overlapping circles.
Wei-Yin Chen – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA down to 2.84. I started him in two leagues, but I had to pick up LaTroy Hawkins in one league and dropped Chen. I regret it. This is the start of a newer, more open Grey. Call it Greyastroika.
Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer in as many games. Maybe he’s drinking Soju before each game, because this Asian is flush! Choo’s gonna keep hitting homers whether you pick him up or not, no skin off his hide, i.e., no oversized women in his basement that he’s making a dress out of.
Rougned Odor – Missed yesterday’s game due to a dental procedure in which he couldn’t eat after. Did he get his mouth wired shut like Tami from The Real World: Los Angeles?
Jimmy Paredes – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .319. Is he the best waiver wire pickup? I feel like he’s gotta be top five for at least deeper leagues. Damn, I’m gonna watch the Snoopy balloon on Thanksgiving with a whole new appreciation.
J.J. Hardy – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Hardy’s power in recent years has become more like Hardly.
Buster Posey – Passed concussion tests after taking a foul ball off his head. Posey getting hit by a foul ball? Geez, Associated Press, give a man an NSFW!
Matt Duffy – 2-for-5, 1 run, and his 3rd steal, hitting .300 and hitting near-.375 in the last week with two homers. He’s doing a better Matt Carpenter than Matt Carpenter. Best be calling a trademark attorney! Fun fact! “Best be calling a trademark attorney,” is the third most common sentence in the English language.
Santiago Casilla – 0 IP, 3 ER and his 4th blown save. Romo hasn’t been much better (Is he still dating Jessica Simpson?) so Casilla likely isn’t in any danger. Yet. Oh, no, the ominous yet!
Justin Bour – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Matt Holliday – Did some light running this week. Sounds like the exercise regimen of Sandoval. Sorry, that would be light running this week with a donut.
Jaime Garcia – Won’t start on Thursday due to cramping in his groin. Bad news since he was going to face the White Sox. The good news is he should be fine after taking a Midol.
Melky Cabrera – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Yes, you should own him now. Now now.
Tyler Flowers – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Five more and he’ll have a bouquet!
Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.81 vs. John Lackey 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.30. The Stream-o-Nator predicted 6 IP 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks and 7 baserunners for Quintana and, for Lackey, 6 2/3 IP, 5 Ks, 2 ER and 6.5 baserunners. Geez, what a rip! That’s like two baserunners off!
Neil Walker – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a double slam (5, 6) and legs (3). I come from the future and I bring with you an excerpt from next year’s rankings. No, I don’t have any stock tips from the next nine months. Leave me alone. Any the hoo! The excerpt reads, “If you remove one hot week in June/July from Walker’s stats, he was awful last year.”
Starling Marte – 4-for-5 and his 13th homer, hitting .285. I try not to be negative about positive things. Really, I do, Tony Robbins, but damn I wish I had Marte on more than three teams. I wish I had him on all of my teams!
A.J. Burnett – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.05. In yesterday’s post by Paul, he says he has the ADP for the last thirteen years. I asked him who has been consistently the biggest value grab of the last five years, guessing it was Burnett. He threw back another good guess, Brett Gardner. I’ll send a free Razzball shirt to the first person who guesses in these comments the actual guy, assuming it’s not Gardner or Burnett, and if you live in the U.S. (I don’t know yet the answer; Paul should know by next week.)
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .248. I liked Pe-Al better when he was hitting five homers a week and .215.
James McCann – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer and 2nd homer in the last three games. On our Player Rater, he’s been better than Jonathan Lucroy. So, the guy that drafted Lucroy in the 2nd round of Tout, would’ve been better off drafting James McCann.
Rick Porcello – 2 IP, 7 ER. Just another day at the office! That office is at a toxic waste dump site.
Mookie Betts – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Only one more for ten! Damn, having Sesame Street babysit me while Mom was out drinking is paying off!
Justin Smoak – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homers. Could the new Moreland be Smoak? This sounds like a setup for a bad Native American joke. Shame on you for letting me think that! Two homers in a game is a nice way to start a hot schmotato run, but Smoak hasn’t, and likely won’t, play every day. A shame isn’t it? Not a shame, a problem, Naughty by Nature.
Jose Reyes – 4-for-5, 4 runs. These R’eyes have seen a lot of loves, but they’re never gonna see another one like the day he signed a contract.
Jose Bautista – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. Also in this game, Josh Donaldson (3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 19th homer and Edwin Encarnacion (1-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 17th. Imagine if the Blue Jays played in Coors. *wavy lines* That is Bautista’s 30th homer after missing the first 150 games with a hamstring injury. Hey, there’s Rob Ford at the game, smoking a bong.” *wavy lines*
Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. The Blue Jays hitters have the power guys and Buehrle’s got a HR in his name. What a perfect marriage.
Cesar Hernandez – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and no steals. Who is this loser who’s not running?!
Scooter Gennett – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting over .300 in the last week. Give this guy an endorsement deal for The Money Store!
Adam Lind – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .294. Braun’s fantasy value isn’t yet unreachable for Lind. Cust kayin’.
Gerardo Parra – 3-for-4, 2 runs. If the original Gerardo had this many hits, we’d still be listening to remixes of Rico Sauve.
Patrick Corbin – Could debut on Saturday. C’mon, doode, Thursday’s back to work day in the majors. What a slacker!
Nick Ahmed – 2-for-5 and is now batting leadoff. If Ahmed’s a hot schmotato and you know it, clap your hands!
Enrique Hernandez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting leadoff. Kike, as he’s known to friends, will now be investigated by Delmon Young.
Jon Lester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 3.74 vs. Bartolo Colon 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. I just thought of something. I haven’t watched SportsCenter or Baseball Tonight in prolly ten years, but does Chris Berman still do his schtick? If he does, I have a player nickname for him, Bartolo “I’m Sure Something Died In That” Colon. Tweet him and let him know he can use it.
Michael Cuddyer – Expected to avoid the DL. Instead, he’ll miss three games a week, hit .230 with no power and announce in late-July, “I should’ve went to the DL.” Your story’s old and quite predictable, Cuddyer.
Carlos Beltran – Likely headed to the DL with a rib cage injury. This is not at all similar to Pence who injured himself in a birdcage.
Garrett Jones – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer and could see more time with Beltran likely out a while. And…Dah! My gift of BS failed me and I have nothing else nice to say about Jones.
Nathan Eovaldi – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.52 vs. Matt Shoemaker 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.91. Here’s two guys I absolutely loved in March and now I wouldn’t start them in any league shallower than 15 team mixed. Sometimes I’ll love a player and won’t ever be able to fully say goodbye to them — damn you, Gyorko! — then other players like Eovaldi and Shoemaker, I love, they do me wrong and I never want to own them again ever. Not sure why that happens, probably aliens.
Erick Aybar – 0-for-3 and his 6th steal. Anyone who’s read this blog for a minute — an Urban Dictionary minute, which is actually a long time — knows that I have a special place in my heart for guys that steal a base with no hits. It makes me feel like they’re trying to help my fantasy team. Aybar now has a homer on Tuesday and a hitless steal game yesterday. Me likey!
George Springer – Left yesterday’s game with a wrist contusion after being hit by a pitch. I don’t want to wish ill on anyone except Sandoval, but, well, I don’t own Springer and Giancarlo just broke his hamate bone and these things happen in threes and if something’s happened to Springer, I’ll go and break Sandoval’s hamate for symmetry.
Chris Carter – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. It might be too late now, but it was around this time last year that he got hot and he now has two homers in his past three games. Buy quickly!
Vincent Velasquez – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners (1 BB), 7 Ks. This was actually the best game I’ve seen by him. Only threw 88 pitches, 60 strikes and got into the 7th. Still nothing but a guy I’d look at the Stream-o-Nator for, but baby steps, Bob.
Kendrys Morales – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Nice of him to step up and carry the K-plural name flag for Kennys.
Manuel Banuelos – Being called up to start for the Braves in place of Williams Perez. Banuelos is a former top Yankee prospect in the vein of Phil Hughes and Joba Chamberlain and the Yankees former top prospects need a better PR agency. Manuel likes to do things by hand and whenever there’s a problem with his car, he reaches into the glove compartment for a book that’s addressed to him. Banuelos has good stuff, as they say, but they don’t mention his crazy control. He could push a 8+ K/9 in the majors, but it could also come with a 4+ BB/9 and the potential for huge blowouts. I’d likely take a wait and see approach in mixed leagues.
Matthew Wisler – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.60. I streamed him yesterday, but with all of those BBs I’m lucky he didn’t shoot both of our eyes out.
Doug Fister – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Braves. Well, that’s redundant. You have to be brave to face a Fister.
Juan Uribe – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 3rd since last Friday. I mentioned he was a hot schmotato yesterday. Today, I say, “Well, dur!”
Brandon Moss – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .233. It was about seventeen hours ago and two thousand and fifteen years after someone said, “What name you want on the birth certificate? Jesus? How do you spell it? With a G?” When someone asked me if they should drop Moss, then he homers. Don’t pfft the voodoo that you do!
Carlos Carrasco – 8 2/3 IP, 1 hit, 2 BBs, 13 Ks, ERA down to 3.88. I said a telling thing not that long ago. I wish Giancarlo would turn his hospital gown around. No, wait, that wasn’t it. People were asking about Carrasco and how his ERA wasn’t very good, and yadda-squared, and I said something like, he’s one of the few pitchers that I’m actually surprised when anyone gets a hit off of him. Yesterday, he came within a strike of a no-hitter and had a perfect game going into the 7th inning. I said something else the other day that is also telling for Carrasco. He could be one of the top five best starters from now until October. Yeah, better than Kershaw. Better than Kluber. Better than Scherzer. Name someone and he could be better than them. Go ahead. Blizzard Jackson? Who is that? What you call the teenager at Dairy Queen? Okay, better than him too.