Trevor Bauer (8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 1.73) is going to win the NL Cy Young. Sooner you come to terms with that, the better for your own mental well-being. You’ll be able to listen to relatives talk about how they saw Trevor Bauer on HBO’s Real Sports, and how Trevor Bauer invented ‘a ball spinning,’ and how he’s so old school with his notebook, but not a spiral notebook. No, no, no — a laptop that Bauer calls, “My Notebook.” You can hear about how Trevor Bauer’s best friend is his dad and how he can make any other pitcher better just by talking him through ‘The Process.’ You come to terms with all of this now, you’re gonna be happier later. Trevor Bauer does have two Cy Young-worthy years in the last three, so maybe there’s something to it. Not sure how that circle is squared with last year, which I still haven’t forgiven him for — 4.48 ERA in 213 IP absolutely killed me. For 2021, it’ll be hard for me to stay away, as it always is with Bauer. Hey, I’m a sucker for 12+ K/9 and the promise of a 2.5 BB/9 or lower. If Bauer can do that, he could have this level of success every season. Wonder if there will be people drafting him in the top five starters. Maybe if I’m in a league with Bryant Gumbel, or your uncle who watches him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Zach Eflin – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Acksually! I wanted to make Eflin the lede today, but I think I’ll save my mouth-watering on Eflin for this postseason when I’m 1000% writing an Eflin sleeper. Don’t look at his peripherals! That’s cheating! Wait until I reveal him to you in January like a sonogram of a tulip. ( I don’t know what that means, but it sounds romantic!)

Rhys Hoskins – Unlikely to return before the end of the season. He should just be going for Tommy John surgery, but players don’t want to get surgery, and teams don’t want to lose players to surgery, so shrug.

Bryce Harper – 2-for-2, 4 runs and two homers (12, 13), hitting .256. It was a tale of two halves to this season for Harper, a 1st half and a 2nd half–What, that’s how all halves work? Okay, continuing on! It was August Harper and September Harper. From the 2nd half, another half emerged…A third half — are these now thirds? — a third half that was yesterday for Harper, because, before yesterday, his 2nd half was merely a half and not a third. Was this confusing? I didn’t think so!

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 9th homer. Not a bad year (weeks?) for Knee McClutchin considering his draft price. Overall, unsung, so here’s a quick verse: McCutchen or Michael Brantley? Too slow! McCutchen, and it’s not close.

Didi Gregorius – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .289. Guh-guh-Gregorius! Guh-guh-Gregorius!

Danny Jansen – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. Danny Jansen had an entire 60-game season’s worth of stats in one game. That’s not even an exaggeration.

Masahiro Tanaka – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.56. Every pitcher on the Yankees, except Cole, is going to get dogwalked in the playoffs. This feels pretty obvious, not sure how I’m the only one seeing it. Okay, maybe you’re seeing it too, but the Yankees are not seeing it, or they’d have Mike Minor, Lance Lynn, Mike Clevinger and others on their team right now from the trading deadline.

Mike Clevinger – 1 IP, 0 ER, and left the game. This was not a planned early exit for Clevinger, which makes it, you guessed it, an unplanned Clevingerancy. I’m lifted at the thought of all the people in my NL-Only leagues saving their FAAB money for the big name to come over, then dropping all them fake duckets on this schmohawk. I’m immediately grounded by thoughts of you, dear reader, who needed Clevinger for your title and lost him. You are in my thoughts, always. Though, the schmohawks who spent big on him ain’t far out of my thoughts either. Bit of a juggling act of thoughts. As with any starters this year, go with the Streamonator as anyone pitching today is likely done for the year, injury or not. Oh, and Clevinger’s exit was an injury, his biceps, again. (Except maybe the Cardinals’ pitchers aren’t done for the year, depending on your league’s rules.)

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. There’s some Hos in this house! There’s some Hos in this house! Get a bucket and a mop! By the way, do you think ‘bucket and mop’ is referring to the opening of The Carol Burnett Show?

Justin Upton – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .207. Also, in this game, Shohei Ohtani (1-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .194) hit his 7th homer, and Anthony Bemboom (2-for-4) hit his 3rd homer. To recap: boom, boom, Bemboom, as the fielders run out of room.

Jaime Barria – 2 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.62, and likely it for Barria this year. He came into the year as Jesse Jackson’s favorite nickname for New York, and Barria left showing us a little more under the ‘hood.

Felix Pena – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.71 as he got the save, and Mike Mayers (1 IP, 0 ER) set him up. This is your subtle reminder that Joe Maddon is no better than any other manager. Just out there playing hunches, rolling die, banging the folding table on a domino call.

Dominic Smith – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .314. Currently, on the backend of the site, I’m writing up my recaps for every position. Not only is Dom Smith having a good year, he’s blowing Albombso out of the water like a U-boat, and I’d like to shove Das Boot up Alonso’s ass.

Andres Gimenez – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. And-Gim, And-Gim number nine hitter! On the New York lineup card! This isn’t catching on, is it?

Randy Arozarena – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer, hitting .278. If you can say this guy’s name without going into Californication, you’re a better person than me. Any hoo! Two homers goes a long way for a hot schmotato, so I could see the gamble if you’re struggling to find a hitter, or just own Pete Alonso, Ketel Marte and Matt Olson like me. What a glorious crapfecta!

Brandon Lowe – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .274. Having the season be only 60 games sucks for so many reasons, but I honestly wish we could see more of Lowe just to see if he’s more August or September. Rays could make a deep run in the playoffs, so we might get another 15+ games of him, which will be nice, i.e., I don’t know if I should go high or low on Lowe.

Joey Wendle – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting near-.500 in the last week with a homer five games ago and, yes, hot schmotato alert!

Franchy Cordero – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 1st and 2nd homer. Okay, okay, okay, hold up! Franchy returned from the IL and no one alerted moi? You know I love me Franchy and his big flies? Serious, 2021 sleeper vibes.

Salvador Perez – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer. If Sal P. hadn’t missed weeks with a false positive on his eye test, he’d be the number one catcher this year. Maybe you and your jimmy leg miss a beat, but Sal P. taps taps taps along.

Carlos Martinez – 5 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 9.90. If the Cards have to go again next week, and I think they will, and if your league allows moves then, well, Streamonator might like C-Mart, or whoever pitches for the Cards, but it’s really more about if you need the gamble.

Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. Look at Miggy having a better season than Pete Alonso too and, oh my God, I can’t stop thinking about how badly he screwed me.

Casey Mize – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.99. If I were the Tigers, I’d quarantine Mize this offseason from Matthew Boyd.

Jake Cave – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. 2019 sleeper Jake Cave! You think I’m joking, but I wrote it.

Wyatt Mathisen – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Hot schmotato? Wy-natt?

Tim Locastro – 2-for-4 and a slam (2) and legs (4). Wow, I didn’t know they gave out home runs based on sprint speed. The game of baseball is changing every day, I tell ya.

Max Muncy – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. If someone dropped him, because, honestly, he’s been terrible, I’d do a patented re-grab.

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .239. Also, in this game, Ramon Laureano (2-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .218) hit his 6th homer. Apparently, two broken clocks can be right at the same time.

Alex Colome – Says he could return today from minor back soreness. Would be nice to see him get back out there. He’s been a real joy to have on Team Grey. Like early pre-wedding Cougs.

Lucas Giolito – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Y’all draft your Biebers and Coles next year, I’m taking Giolito around pick 50 overall again, and will be more than happy.

Shane Bieber – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.63, as he won the AL Cy Young. I mean, not officially, but there’s no way he doesn’t. Only question now is if he’s the AL MVP, which always results in the most pedantic answers. They should just say MVPs can only go to hitters and mute all “pitchers as MVP” convos. Don’t make me prove my point by bringing back GWRBI!

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .221. HR to the Izzo! I’ll be real with you because that’s my one promise, that and sexy winks, but I think I’m out on Rizzo next year. Maybe this was a weird year, but dude looks like he got old.

Ke’Bryan Hayes – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. Ke’Bry-Bry! I love this kid. Have you seen him? He looks like he’s 14 and one of the twins on Euphoria. Good show, by the by. It’s like the movie Kids, but with cellphones.

Zack Greinke – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.02. Wonder if next year will be Greinke’s final season. That will be an awesome retirement press conference. “Did you talk over this decision with your loved ones?” “Talk?”

Sixto Sanchez – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.46. The Regression Fairies wait in line while doing the I’m a Little Teapot pose, and they will destroy your ratios.

Max Fried – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.25, and left yesterday’s game with “Yo, we won the division, right? C’mon, 55 game-seasons are the new 60-game seasons!”

Dansby Swanson – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .276, and 2nd homer in as many games. Dansby does go super hot and cold, but I cannot lie to you, I still love him. One of these years we’re gonna hit it big, until then we’ll just have a bunch of productive seasons.

Brian Anderson – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .267. Anderson’s having himself a nice little end of the season. Between the 3-homer game the other day, and the…uh…*looks at his game log* Okay, that’s all he’s done for a while. Sorry, misremembering! Or am I misremembering misremembering? How would I remember that? Eek, I’ve painted myself into a corner with my own logic!

Austin Hays – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer. I made him a batty call yesterday, because I can see the future. By the way, sell all your Amazon stock to me. For much less than it’s valued. You’ll be glad you did.

Dean Kremer – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.82. To summon Kremer’s ancestors, oy gevalt.

David Dahl – Hit the 45-day IL. Wait, there’s four and half more days left of the season…*checking to make sure I saw that right*…Yup, 45-day IL not the 4.5-day IL. David Dahl is so injury-prone, the Rockies have five games left, but felt the need to slam home how they felt by putting him on the 45-day IL. That’s like chipping your tooth, so you tie your tooth to the doorknob, and slam that shizz out of your mouth.