This is going to blow your mind. Before you read any further, I want you to take some precautions. Grab some masking tape from your “Never Used Shizz” drawer and wrap it around your head. Whoa, whoa, whoa! You didn’t just wrap your head with masking tape, covering your eyebrows, did you? Hmm, well, when you remove that tape, you’re gonna look like Phil Simms. (Hint: He’s got no eyebrows.) Okay, I told you to avoid Tommy Pham in the preseason, due to his draft price, and ranked him 31st for all outfielders. On our Player Rater going into yesterday’s game, he was ranked 31st. *does Ace Ventura victory dance on the porch* I have exorcised the demon! Yesterday, he had one of his best games of the season, if not best (yes, too lazy to look), he went 3-for-5 with his 18th and 19th homer, hitting .266, but hitting .327 on the Rays, and if he wasn’t derailed by an injury when he first arrived in Tampa, he’d be doing better (or worse as his BABIP stabilized; it’s ~.500 in September). I could see letting up on my hate on Pham in 2019, but he’s still old and has stopped running, so the price will need to be much more reasonable. Okay, you can remove the tape now. Hey, eyebrows are overrated (like Tommy Pham coming into this year). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Joey Wendle – 3-for-4, 1 run and his 14th steal, hitting .302, and seven for his last nine, and hitting over .300 in 451 at-bats, so it’s about time we accepted Mr. Wendle for who he is: the 5th runner-up for AL Rookie of the Year, and a slap hitter with some speed.
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .273. *The Gangly Manbird and David Wright pull the bullpen cart up to Beltre’s house* “Hop in!” “Promise not to pat my head?” *David Wright sticks out his hand* “Pinkie swear–Shoot, I think I hyperextended my pinkie.”
Austin Meadows – Will be called up by the Rays. Before you say, “Man, how cheap are those Rays to suppress Meadows, who was already playing with the Pirates before he was traded to Tampa?” Let me explain a cold hard fact to you, the Rays’ Triple-A affiliate was playing for the Triple-A National Championship, bucko! If major league teams are not playing for minor league championships, what are they playing for? You have no answer, because I’ve totally stumped you!
Aroldis Chapman – Returned from the DL. Driving him to the stadium was an ex-girlfriend he handcuffed to the steering wheel.
Luis Severino – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Props to Severino for the world’s longest game of playing possum.
Luke Voit – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer. He has so much Maas appeal, Kevin Maas is about to file a trademark infringement case. Obviously, Voit should be owned, which I’ve backdated to mid-August.
David Price – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.53. For a brief moment in the 2nd inning, Price and Severino’s ERAs were identical. That’s something you didn’t think you’d see in March. In March, their ERAs were both 0.00. Shut up, Random Italicized Voice.
Trevor Story – Went to Arizona to receive treatment on his ‘still totally intact UCL.’ The Rockies manager Bud Black said, “It is truly encouraging to see where he is.” Unless the Rockies are now playing in Arizona, I think he might be overstating things.
Walker Buehler – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.74. I don’t want to even go there, which is what I say right before I go there, but Buehler’s rookie season is about fifty times better than Kershaw’s. So, Kershaw’s won three Cy Youngs…Holy crap, Buehler is going to win 150 Cy Young awards. That would be a record.
Yasiel Puig – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Puig is a mental patient, but Dave Roberts should be for not starting Puig right now and isn’t seeking help. He’s one of the hottest bats in the league.
Marco Estrada – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.57 vs. Jimmy Yacabonis – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 6.34. This matchup was billed as, “If the Jays faced the O’s, would anyone care? But no one cared to answer.”
Billy McKinney – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .287. I likely won’t be writing a McKinney sleeper post this offseason, but I am low-key interested in him. Jays should presumably be better next year and McKinney could run into some power. He is so not a leadoff hitter that it’s pretty baffling, but Gibbons knows he’s not coming back and I think he’s got a carpool dummy managing the team.
Trevor Bauer – Will return to the Indians’ rotation on Friday. The good news, he’ll be starting. The bad news, I have him on my bench in a weekly league. The neither good or bad news, he’ll only pitch a few innings. The unrelated news, I want The Deuce to be so much better.
Carlos Carrasco – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.35. Great start, but he didn’t get the win in a meaningless game, so Murray Chass is placing his hand under his armpit and making fart noises.
Jason Kipnis – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer, a grand salami, which is kosher, and his 2nd homer in as many games, and I am actively picking him up in all my leagues before…I…finish…this…sentence…
Jose Abreu – Was released from the hospital where he was treated for an ingrown hair on his leg. Would’ve expected that more from a Brazilian player. At least now when Abreu gets a homer, we’ll have the home run call, “Abreu loves those bikini whacks!”
Dylan Covey – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.33. After the game, Covey dined on dolphin meat and slandered the middle class. You’re a monster!
Daniel Palka – 1-for-4 and his 26th homer. Hot schmotato alert all day e’ery day this week, believe it. In bigger picture, Palka is adding more and more helium to his 2019 draft price, which is less cool.
Wil Myers – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. “It’s best if we just drop the body out of the helicopter and grab it when we get down there–Whoa! Hold on a second! Myers is alive?!” All jokes aside, 11 homers? I know he’s been hurt this year, but is he swinging with his eyes closed? Can someone check on him?
Freddy Galvis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting near-.350 in the last week, and four hits the game before. Hot schmotato alert!
Brandon Belt – Likely done for the season with a knee injury. When you type “Brandon Belt” into Google, the first suggestion is “Brandon Belt is injured of course dur.” By the by, the first suggestion for “Grey Albright” is “who is Grey Albright’s Cougs?” Y’all nosey!
Chris Stratton – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.88. Man, he set us up good. Nine-inning, two-hit shutout vs. the Rockies, then goes to San Diego and takes us and our fantasy team to a cliff and hands us an anvil.
Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 2.42 on the Cubs, 3.90 overall. Because of our godforsaken innings limits this year in the RCL, before this game, I was like, “If I start him against the Diamondbacks’ B squad and get a nine-inning shutout, it will be worth the innings even if it means I can’t chase saves as much.” I’m such a naive fool.
Christian Walker – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, as he started in place of Au Shizz. (I mean really, Hamels?) If Christian’s nickname isn’t White Walker, then huge missed opportunity.
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.92. Off my team, he has a negative ERA. How? Don’t ask me, but he does.
Felix Pena – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.20. I was listening to a podcast the other day by the inmates at San Quentin called Ear Hustle. It’s good, you should check it out. On the podcast, they talk about being on locked down when they can’t leave their cell. Some people have food to trade — You have ramen? Cool, I’ll trade you candy bar. — and, in order to share food, they wrap it in a bedsheet, empty out the toilet water and send the item to another cell in the floor below through the drain pipes. Sure, it gets covered in crap, but, after you wash it, those ramen noodles are still edible. Felix Pena is those ramen noodles without being washed first.
Brett Anderson – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.96. He was the ramen noodles after being washed.
Mitch Haniger – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 26th homer, hitting near-.425 in the last week, but overall his power has come down in the 2nd half. 18 homers in 1st half to you can do the math. You can’t? Aw, sore spot!
Chris Archer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.93. Dude can throw two no-hitters in his final two starts and I would not touch him next year. Or this year, for that matter.
Jesus Aguilar – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 33rd homer. This one came off Matt Harvey. Elias Sports Bureau said Jesus vs. Harvey was the first instance of two imaginary characters of fiction facing each other.
Zack Wheeler – Shut down for the season. Bully for the Mets, now shut down deGrom, Matz and Syndergaard, and start Vargas every game. Or a Lugo/Blevins co-start. Oh my God, I just thought of something! A team should start two relievers in a game. That’s one-upping The Opener! Start lefty Blevins in right field and righty Lugo on the mound, then every time a lefty comes up, switch them. How has Joe Maddon during an acid trip never done this? Better yet, start nine pitchers, and switch them every batter!
Noah Syndergaard – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.36. I keep saying the same thing over and over on Syndergaard, but for possibly the last time before the rankings recap in October, what is wrong with him? He hasn’t been right in months. Why is no one talking about this? Are they and I’m just in my own head so much I’m not hearing them? So many rhetorical questions, so many times for you to answer when it’s uncalled for.
Amed Rosario – 3-for-4 and his 20th and 21st steal, hitting .260. There will or won’t be a discount on him next year? I’m on the fence. Someone help me down!
Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-4 and his 32nd homer. Rhysus is about to have one of the most disappointing 35-homer, 100-RBI seasons. Not sure what I was expecting… *looks at preseason projections* 33 homers and 98 RBIs. Wow, I was expecting almost exactly this.
Odubel Herrera – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. ODB is the type to get smoking hot real quick, and not in a crack-cocaine type way. He hasn’t done much recently, but I could see grabbing him, if he was dropped in your league.
Jack Flaherty – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.08. On one hand, I really wish the Cards would shut him down. On the other hand, no Cardinals starter has ever had a 4+ ERA so he’ll be fine either way. On a third hand that is actually a glove made from a hollowed-out starfish, maybe this was just a bad matchup in Atlanta.
Harrison Bader – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer and 2nd homer in the last week which I know all too well because I got sonavabenched by him because he wasn’t in the starting lineup on Monday so I benched him in a weekly league and this is not a shaggy dog story this is an autobiographical tale of sorrow and a run-on sentence missing commas.
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and a slam (23) and legs (10). Ever since I gave Freeman some ribbing about being out-homered by Joc Pederson in 200 less at-bats, Freeman has turned on some jet fuel and been productive. *makes heart symbol by chest* Keep it going for ten more days!
Touki Toussaint – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.30. After he got bombed out in middle relief a few days ago, I lost confidence in Touki for this year. Long term, though, I’m still doing it for the Touki, and, ergo, vis-à-vie, henceforth, Touki’s doing it for me.
Eddie Rosario – Undergoing an MRI on his right quad. Rosario is likely done for the year, but said, “I hope my quad’s okay.” Right there are some quad goals!
Willians Astudillo – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .317, and hitting near-.400 in the last week. If you’ve seen Astudillo, I think it’s fair to say he enjoys driving in ribbies more than Fred Flintstone.