Dude’s on fire. No. Need better! He is a high-speed torrent download of a yule log burning. Need better! He is Smokey the Bear at a Porno for Pyros concert, wearing earbuds and listening to Firestarter by Prodigy. Need better still! He’s a pyrotechnician smacking a sparkler out of your hand and giving you instead the detonator for the Statue of Liberty’s 4th of July celebration fireworks. Yesterday, Mitch Moreland went 2-for-3 with 4 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homers, and now has five homers in four games and six homers in six games. I already told you yesterday that Moreland has been better than Brandon Belt, Lucas Duda and Brandon Moss, and some other corner infidels, according to our Player Rater. That’s on the year, not in the last week. In the last week, Moreland’s been better than everyone. Let’s take a hootie-hoo at who Moreland has more homers than on the year: Prince Fielder, Beltre (not close), Adam Jones, Big Papi, Tommy Tomstein, Freeman, Yoenis, Billy McDugal, Kris Bryant, Tulo, McClutchin and Sandoval. Sure, some of those guys I only named to rub salt in my own wounds — I hate you, Sandoval! — and other guys I mentioned don’t even exist, but Mitch don’t kill my vibe for the better part of the season now, and, if he’s available, I’d grab him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Joey Gallo – Optioned to Triple-A with the return of Hamilton. Well, at least they didn’t leave Gallo hanging.
Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the DL. Over/under for his next injury — ten days. I’m taking the under.
Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Get on the train! Choo Choo!
Robinson Chirinos – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, and 2nd in three games. Uh-oh, Chirinos!
Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers, his 17th and 18th. Have I mentioned that Sky traded me Davis for Jeurys? Have I mentioned it while typing a sentence with my elbows and clapping my hands? Have now!
Manny Machado – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. Machado is now in the top ten for all of fantasy baseball value. Fo’serious.
Sonny Gray – Scratched with an illness. Sounds more like poison ivy.
John Axford – Left the club for an unannounced reason for an indeterminate amount of time. Even though it sounds like it, it’s not his oblique. I looked at picking up LaTroy Hawkins and Rafael Betancourt, but I just didn’t have room. Ugh, I’m totally lying, I had room, but I didn’t want their explosive shizz on my ratios. If you’re desperate for saves, I can understand it. UPDATE! By the time I finished writing this blurb, LaTroy saved the game (1 IP, 0 ER) and I picked him up. I’m such a glutton for punishment.
Jedd Gyorko – 0-for-3 as he was recalled to replace the injured Cory Spangenberg. The news report I read also mentioned that Gyorko was hitting well in Triple-A. The report finished by saying, “You’re such a jackass, Grey, you know you’re going to pick up Gyorko again.” Shut up, report!
Michael Montgomery – 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 BBs, 7 Ks, ERA down to 1.62. Hey, I know that impersonation, it’s Marco Estrada, right? Very cool, Montgomery! Hopefully, Montgomery won’t fall off a Clift, wilt under the klieg lights that feel like A Place in the Sun, and instead last From Here to Eternity. Damn, Grey’s still got it! I don’t want to return to the Stream-o-Nator on a one-hitter, but, guys and five girl readers, his K/9 (5.9), BB/9 (2.4) and xFIP (4.12) aren’t telling me he’s the second coming of the Jesus-shaped potato chip. I could see grabbing him while he’s on a roll, but soon the shine’s gonna come off.
Mike Zunino – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Yay! He’s hitting .167 on the year. Oh, man, put that thing away, it’s hideous.
Brad Miller – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Gyorko and Miller in the same game? It’s raining Grey’s 2014 (and ’15) sleepers!
Jason Motte – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 3rd save as Hector Rondon worked the 7th inning. Soon, Rondon’s gonna be working in the 3rd inning. That same Rondon that has a 2.20 ERA vs. Motte’s 3.03 ERA. Incredible is what I say as I shake my head and make a farting sound with my armpit. Okay, I wasn’t using my armpit. Sue me, I had hot dogs for lunch. Motte’s now saved two games since Rondon’s last one, so…Well, I have no idea what that means, but I’d own both Motte and Rondon.
Kyle Hendricks – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Even when he pitches well, he seems to get overshadowed. Yesterday, he was overshadowed by Jon Niese’s nose. The Stream-o-Nator loved Hendricks yesterday, and likes him again in his next start.
Michael Cuddyer – Left yesterday’s game with a sore knee. He’s day-to-day, or as they say in Jamaica, dayo-to-dayo.
Jacoby Ellsbury – Wasn’t able to play in a rehab game yesterday due to fatigue, which I believe was also the name of one of the families in Mel Brooks’ Romeo & Juliet that was never produced.
Andrew Heaney – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.38. I liked him in the preseason, and now he’s here and I can’t summon the enthusiasm to pick him up. I have to think less, and act more. Or think and then act. Or think less about thinking and acting and do. Where’s Yoda when I need him?! At this point, I’d grab Heaney in 15-team or deeper mixed leagues, and look at matchups in shallower leagues. I do like him. Or did like him not that long ago.
Albert Pujols – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer, and, in this game, Mark Teixeira hit his 19th homer (1-for-2). If you left your draft with Pujols and Tex, people likely mocked you. Feel free to mock them now.
Erick Aybar – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. *knocks Apple Watch against dresser* Is it time to change my middle infielder? Siri? Hello?
Cesar Hernandez – 1-for-4, 1 run and two more steals (8, 9), and now has six steals in four games. SWOOSH! SWIPE! SWAHILI! Holy SAGNOF, Batman! If you’re hurting for steals, I can’t imagine not picking up Hernandez in any league.
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 3.22. After the game, Hamels contacted his agent and asked him to not entertain Blue Jays’ trade offers, because blue makes Hamels look washed out.
Taylor Jungmann – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 2.79. Definite own in deeper leagues now, but in most mixed leagues, he’s still in the streamer pot for me. Sorry, Jungmann, there’s no need to feel down, I said Jungmann.
Ryan Braun – 4-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .275. Who’s got two thumbs and one working? This guy!
Ryan Zimmerman – Went through a full workout on Tuesday. Leading the workout was Richard Simmons.
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 3.16. I tried to watch this game yesterday, but the video was buffering almost as much as Tidal. Must be a Jay-Z thing.
Danny Espinosa – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. He’s filling in on the Nats at 2nd base and on my teams. He has about a six-inch retractable leash right now, but if he gets multiple hits in games, I might let him out a little bit further.
Freddie Freeman – Might not return prior to the All-Star break. Can I break it down to you nice and simple like Minnie Pearl would’ve wanted it? He has a sprained wrist, if he has one setback, the Braves aren’t going to push him so they can win 70 games instead of 68.
Juan Uribe – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Oh, man, we’re mid-hot schmotato run for this guy because he homered this past Friday already.
Shelby Miller – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA up to 2.20. I’ll say this, if he plans on regressing with 10 Ks in his ‘bad’ games, I’d be more than happy if I owned him.
Randal Grichuk – 3-for-5 and his 7th homer, hitting .286 as he hits in the two-hole vs. lefties. Kinda want to marry him, and not just because he’s in the two-hole and now it’s legal, but he has solid power, and the Cards make mountains out of prospect molehills all the time.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 2.74. And now I’ve missed two straight great starts from Lynn because CBS had him marked down as starting on the wrong day. I blame effin’ Les Moonves!
Chris Sale – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA down to 2.87. Sale’s great starts are so run-of-the-mill, that whenever I see them, I feel like a pimp giving out orders, saying ho-hum.
Torii Hunter – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 12th homer, and his 4th in the last four games. Hot schmotato alert!
Phil Hughes – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 4.10. As I said last time and will reiterate this time, Hughes looks like he’s got his act together from the beginning of the year when shizz was pear-shaped. And that’s me paraphrasing me!
Danny Santana – 0-for-4, 1 RBI and his 5th steal. Oh no, I’m not falling again for the banana in the ol’ tailpipe!
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and hitting near-.400 in the last week. I grabbed Suarez yesterday, then the Ghost of Teddy Roosevelt came to me and started singing Ruff Ryders by DMX, and said, “Suarez will help you transmitigate from Rendon to the Pacific Ocean without going around South America, and transmitigate used to be a word, I think,” but that spooked me and I dropped Suarez. I may grab him again though because he is hot.
Marco Estrada – 2 1/3 IP, 2 ER. For all of youse that gambled on Estrada after his back-to-back almost Johnny Vander Meer’s (Johnny Vander Near?), you got hella lucky that Estrada got bombed but only gave up two earned. Now please put him back on waivers where he belongs.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. As his dad once told him, a homer is as good as four walks!
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 3.92. I’ll say it for you, sonavabench! After the drubbings he just took in two of his previous four games, I’m still hesitant to give him a full green light. Perhaps I’m too Great White, and Once Bitten, Twice Shy.
Jason Kipnis – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer. Yeah, okay, but only one hit in five at-bats, blech!
David Murphy – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I was gonna mention this the other day when he had a 4-for-4 (stutterer!) game, but Murphy gets hot for a week or so at a time, and I’d grab him if struggling for anything.
Giovanny Urshela – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Here’s what I said previously on him, ” I look at Urshela’s minor league numbers (3 HRs this year in AAA; 13 the year before), and I’m yawnstipated. Looks to me like a poor man’s Brandon Belt, I will call him Rope Belt. If you’re in an AL-Only league, he’s an immediate pickup, but I’d hold elsewhere for now.” And that’s me quoting me!
Danny Salazar – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks. Two strikeouts? Hey, c’mon, Cody’s the sensitive one, Danny! Know your role!
Erasmo Ramirez – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 4.01. That wraps up a month of June where he had an ERA of 1.44. That comes after a month of May with an ERA of 2.90. And here you are waiting for Patrick Corbin and the Matts, Moore and Cain.
James Loney – Will begin a rehab stint as he works his way back from a broken middle finger. Due to how his cast was placed, he also lost all his friends.
Yasmani Grandal – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and yet another homer, 2nd in as many games, 12th on the year. I am a tad concerned he’s shining too much attention on himself and he’s going to find himself benched next to Alex Guerrero.
Howie Kendrick – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Howie like me now!
Nick Ahmed – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Is it me or does every middle infielder on waivers look good, and then they look immediately terrible when they’re on your team?
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.09. Please, look again at my blurb on Erasmo. And you held Verlander for how long? Maybe he’ll retroactively win you your 2011 fantasy championship.
Yoenis Cespedes – 0-for-6, hitting .294. Ah, the joys of extra innings.
Nick Castellanos – 3-for-5, hitting .233. No runs or RBIs for Castellanos, but he did get three hits. For him, a huge game!
Dallas Keuchel – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.03. There should be some kind of penance I can perform to apologize for not believing in Keuchel. Bless me, Fantasy Baseball Overlord, for I have sinned.
George Springer – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .263. I am worried that at some point, he’s going to hit, like, ten homers in fifteen days. Worried because I don’t own him anywhere. Did I just will it into happening? Dah!
Matt Cain – Will make his season debut on Thursday, which is apparently back to work day in the major leagues. I wouldn’t touch Cain in any mixed league shallower than 15-team and would have a hard time even streaming him. You, “Why, Grey? Please impart some wisdom on my not-as-handsome-as-you face.” Quite simply, he hasn’t been good in two years. Not worth the ulcer.
Buster Posey – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer, hitting .303. Having a pretty good season. And having a pretty terrible season when compared to Grandal, who you could’ve drafted 200 picks after Posey.
Hunter Pence – Took swings off a tee. Then made a diving catch to rob a 6-year-old.
Mat Latos – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 5.27. After the game, the Hashtag and the word Blessed had a joint press conference ordering Dallas Latos to stop.
Justin Bour – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Hasn’t done a whole lot recently, but when Bour gets hot, it turns into a trendy pork dish served at hipster restaurants.
Dee Gordon – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Or only three homers from tying Ozuna. OZUNA resembles that comment.
Michael Morse – Tweaked his back during rehab. Since it’s Morse, it’s appropriate that he’s always tapping out.