TGFBI Recap: My Team Is More Stacked Than The Phonebooks On Altuve’s Driver Seat

“Hey, kid, welcome to the bigs! Bigs are what we now call the bags, because they’re big. During the lockout of 2022, in effort to fix the game, MLB started using couch cushions at each base and the frame of the couch as home plate. So, in the bigs, you just collect the cushions as you round the bases and put them in the couch to score at home. See, ‘home’ is already there in the name, and the MLB owners were smart enough to realize that. Plus, it helps them reach a new demographic. Kids love furniture.” Wakes with a sudden jolt. Whoa, I was having a nightmare that MLB was in a lockout, and instead of figuring out the financials for both sides, they were making the bases bigger. That wasn’t a nightmare? Oh, crap, I’m going back to sleep. Though, now I kinda understand Rudy’s hitter projections for Oneil Cruz. He’s 7’4″, so bigger bags means he just needs to make one step towards 1st base, hence Cruz’s projected .282 average. So, the TGFBI is an industry league of ‘perts from all different sites, competing against each other. The league is a 30-round draft, 15-team, mixed league with weekly waivers. Kinda like the Draft Champions, 15-team leagues we do at NFBC. By the way, who wants to do another league? I need to draft to fill this pre-pre-preseason. (If you want to compete against me and a few hundred of your worst frenemies, here’s our Razzball Commenter Leagues signups.) So, here’s my 15-team, mixed league, TGFBI draft recap and some thoughts:

C: Tyler Stephenson (11)
C: Alejandro Kirk (16)
1B: Pete Alonso (3)
2B: Jonathan India (7)
SS: Fernando Tatis Jr. (1, 3)
3B: Austin Riley (5)
MI: Abraham Toro (21)
CI: Spencer Torkelson (15)
OF: Yordan Alvarez (2)
OF: Myles Straw (10)
OF: Seiya Suzuki (12)
OF: Austin Hays (17)
OF: Jesus Sanchez (18)
UTIL: Jose Barrero (23)
Bench: Steven Kwan (25), Nick Pratto (27), Jeremy Pena (29)

P: Chris Sale (4)
P: Frankie Montas (6)
P: Luis Castillo (8)
P: Giovanny Gallegos (9)
P: Jordan Montgomery (13)
P: Taylor Rogers (14)
P: Bailey Ober (19)
P: Cristian Javier (20)
P: James Kaprielian (22)
Bench: Yusei Kikuchi (24), Reid Detmers (26), Nate Pearson (28), Carlos Estevez (30)

YOUR OFFENSE IS RIDICULOUS.

Appreciate you saying so, Mr. Bolden Al Capps.

OF COURSE! PLUS, I HAVE VERY LITTLE CHOICE SINCE I’M JUST YOU IN CAPS AND BOLD.

True.

OKAY, LET’S SEE YOUR WAR ROOM TOTALS SO WE CAN GET INTO THE MEAT OF THIS IMPOSSIBLE BURGER.

To get an overview of how to use our Fantasy Baseball War Room, click that linkie-whosie-whats-it.

YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM SEEMS TO BE BOTH SIDES OF SAGNOF. SPEAK ON YOUR STEALS FIRST.

Well, I went from Captain Woo Cubano to Albombso to Austin Riley to India, and, at that point in the draft, I was like, “Hey, maybe I should draft some steals or nah,” and took a long pull off my boba drink. Unfortch, I ran into the number one issue affecting boba drinkers everywhere — the boba got stuck in my straw. So, I ordered a pipe cleaner off Amazon, and sat in my porch swing for 72 hours. Finally, when my pipe cleaner arrived, I scrubbed up like a surgeon, put on a coal miner’s helmet, turned on the headlight and dug in to get out the boba, like I was a world-class proctologist. After successful straw surgery, I went back to my computer, and it clicked to me for my next draft pick. Then, like a vision from the Gods of Boba, I knew who I needed to draft to fix my steals problem.

Myles Straw is one of the more fascinating players this draft season. His ADP is all over the place, and it makes sense. He is a needs-to-know player. If you needs steals, then you needs-to-know him. He has gone anywhere from pick 67th overall (I can smell the desperation from here on that pick), and as late as 269, averaging at pick 138. For what it’s Cronenworth, I got him at pick 148, which was the latest he went out of 465 teams in the TGFBI.

HEY, LOOK AT THAT, YOU HAVE STRAW, AND YOU SUCK. SO, YOU JUST TOLD US THE OTHER DAY THAT GIOVANNY GALLEGOS MIGHT NOT BE THE CLOSER SO WHY DID YOU DRAFT HIM SO HIGH? DID YOU HIT YOUR HEAD AGAIN?

Do you remember the years before the lockout, when we had a normal Spring Training, and news would drop out of nowhere that changed everything? You’d get so frustrated, you’d kick your foot through your front door and have to wait for the mail carrier to help you shove your foot back through the door. Member those days? Yeah, I had one of those during this draft. I drafted Giovanny Gallegos, then the Cards announced he might not be the closer and, luckily, it was around 4 PM and the mail carrier gets to me around five. As mentioned the other day in a video I did on our Razzball Youtube channel — smash that subscribe! — I like doing drafts with no player news. Mostly because I’m sick of replacing my door. Then, the one piece of news that’s come out, and it affects me. Cougs, order a new door!

HOW ABOUT WE DOUBLE BACK TO THAT OFFENSE? CHOP IT UP WITH ME FOR A MANO-A-BOLDO SESH.

You’re living right when you have the 3rd overall pick and get FTJ. The glow that washes over one’s body when you get Fun The Jewels is like you’re riding on the back of a comet and 1,000 MPH winds are flapping into your earth skin. A comet cleanse, so to speak. Then, to have Captain Woo Cubano fall to you in the 2nd round, so you can move Fun to shortstop? I now know what it’s like to feel alive. Then to drop in there another 45 homer guy like Albombso? You can’t wipe the smile off my face, and it’s not the Botox. Then chuck in a guy who I absolutely love like India, and a top 3rd baseman like Riley, so I didn’t have to worry about that position later? It kinda feels unfair. This team wouldn’t also get Seiya, would it? Mah gawd! It did! More like “see ya” to other teams in this league.

YOUR ENDGAME TARGETS APPEAR TO BE SAMESIES NO MATTER THE LEAGUE.

You’ve been paying attention!

I HAVE NO CHOICE.

Once again, I grabbed Spencer Torkelson, Jeremy Pena, Steven Kwan, Nick Pratto, Jesus Sanchez and Nick Pratto. Have these guys across a lot of leagues now. As mentioned in my LABR draft recap, I have no idea what the lockout is going to mean for guys like Torkelson or Pratto. There’s a possible scenario where they’re helped a lot a lot a lot. There’s also a scenario where they’re hurt. For their price, I’m all-in on the gamble. Watch, when Spring Training starts (eventually — Summer Training?), Torkelson hits a few homers and his price is going to skyrocket in drafts. Same for all of these guys. If Jeremy Pena is the starting shortstop in camp for the Astros, people are going to write thinkpieces titled shizz like, “Jeremy Pena: Should We Be Paying Attention?” and his price is going to skyrocket, then people are going to come into my comments saying things like, “Hey, Grey, handsome face you got there. Also, any thoughts on Jeremy Pena?” I’m not randomly grabbing these players at the end of drafts. Make note, these guys could all go up 100+ spots in drafts once camp opens.

GOTTA ASK YOU, ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT YOUR PITCHING? LOOKS LIKE A HEADACHE THAT WILL STOP YOU FROM SEXY-TIME.

So, here’s how my pitching was drafted:

I said to Rudy, “Pitching really dries up quick around pick 250 overall.”
Rudy said, “Yeah, you should have seven starters by round 19.”
Then I counted out how I had five starters through the 18th round, and I said to Rudy, “Cool, I have seven,” then I mopped up my Nixonian flop sweat, and quickly drafted Bailey Ober and Cristian Javier.

So, I’m concerned about my pitching; starters do dry up real fast. As you know, I wrote a Bailey Ober sleeper, so I do like him a lot, and was lucky to grab him. Also, Lance McCullersCullersCullersCullers’s over/under for innings pitched this year is “Why didn’t he have Tommy John surgery back in November?” and, as you know from my top 80 starters for 2022 fantasy baseball, I like Javier a lot too. Though, there is a bunch of risk with my pitching. Meh, eff risky! Hey, that’s frisky!