The Cleveland Starting Pitcher Factory (housed in a former The Old Spaghetti Factory) made its mark by producing low-priced alternatives that reduced meatball consumption. You might remember the host, Giuseppe, from the Dominican Republic, always mentioned his father loved “The Godfather.” Well, there’s another low-priced starter conveyor belt spitting out alternatives with nasty stuff, The Tampa Bay Rays Starting Pitcher Factory, which is in the back alley behind one of the 29 local-area Hooter’s ristorantes. The workers/coaches all wear hosiery, and manage to produce one fine-ass starter after another. Today’s starter was Shane McClanahan (4 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks), and excuse me while I put my eyes back in my head. His 92 MPH slider alone was like, “I’ll have some cheese, and the check please.” He partnered that pitch with a 101 MPH fastball, and I looked to grab him in every league. Honestly, I hadn’t seen stuff like that in some time from a prospect. I’d think of him like Michael Kopech. Solid handful of innings, who is rosterable in all leagues, but don’t drop anyone too valuable. The big concern for McClanahan is sometimes he losses the feel and the plate, so he could be prone to roofies, but I don’t put on hosiery and walk into a back alley of a Hooter’s asking for a factory tour for nothing. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Luis Patino – 2 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks, ERA at 0.00. Okay, forget what I said on McClanahan, and grab Patino! No, I kid, but they’re both prolly worth having in most leagues, and likely not that different on value. The stuff in that back alley of Hooter’s is just so nasty!

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .167. People saying Lowe was just a 2020 darling, and he didn’t break out, should be run out of town. So, he’s suddenly a .167 hitter? Y’all don’t even believe what comes out you brain bulb, right?

Matt Chapman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Someone dropped him in my RCL, which seems like the wrong move. Like just dumb, dumb, dumb–Okay, I make so many moves in my RCL it might’ve been me. I don’t think it was, but 100% can’t be sure.

Marco Gonzales – Headed to the IL with a forearm strain. Damn, that really sucks–Where is Logan Gilbert?! Is he and MacKenzie Gore locked in an elevator somewhere? Stop Droopy Dog’ing “going down” and start going up to the majors! Logan Gilbert will be mentioned in this afternoon’s Buy, as he has been for the last few weeks. To see the Buy/Sell right now, subscribe to our Patreon.

Yusei Kikuchi – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 hit), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.40. Amazing what Kikuchi was able to do thru 6 1/3 IP yesterday, because it was really a terrible conundrum. Yusei no hitter? Then you jinx him. What do you do there? Yu don’t sei? Then it’s Darvish? You’ve confused Yuself. Obviously Kikuchi is decent and streamable, and rosterable, and I’m not calling conspiracy here, but how does he have such a terrible ERA all the time when people keep saying nice things about him?

Kendall Graveman – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3rd save, ERA at zippo. When the Graveman comes for you, you can’t run fast enough, or score runs.

Taylor Trammell – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Wonder if I can get Taylor Trammell to donate a portion of his home runs to my 1st round picks, Juan Soto or Trevor Story. I’ll take either.

Luis Garcia – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.70. I wish he’d get more at-bats with the Nats, because I have him in an NL-Only league. *intern whispers in ear* A different Luis Garcia? That seems not ideal. I’ve gone over the Astros’ Luis Garcia before, search the site for: Big-boned. Still more of an AL-Only guy, or deep mixers.

Sam Hilliard – Optioned to minors, as the Rockies added Matt Adams. Your new Rockies, same as the old Rockies. It’s actually beyond words at this point. Sam Hilliard went 35/22/.262 in Triple-A in 2019, and has no chance to play since. Maybe he won’t be anything, but do you think you’re going to discover something with Matt Adams? Like what even is Matt Adams doing in the majors, let alone on a team that should be rebuilding. Bud Black sucks, the Rockies suck; the Prospblockies suck. I hate them.

Luke Weaver – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.91. That could’ve went better. Well, at least he helped a few of my Rockies’ hitters who were slumping. Haha, bright side. *long mournful groan*

Josh Rojas – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .196. Wonder if Kole Calhoun ever looks at Rojas and is like, “You’re not red, I’m red.” Prolly. So, Josh the Red is like the Prospect Wishicorn. Put some hopes and dreams on him, but there’s no such thing as a Prospect Wishicorn.

Stefan Crichton – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 3rd save, ERA at 5.00. Ya know what Crichton is? A shut down closer. Now, hold that first part up to the mirror so it says the opposite of ‘shut down’ and keep the closer part. Still kinda expect Soria to get saves when he returns, like, maybe seven of them all year, but Crichton appears to be the ‘now’ closer. This is not a great situation for saves.

Matthew Boyd – 1 IP, 2 ER, and called the manager to the mound to be taken out of the game. Oh, Boy are D–Wait, they’re IL stints now. Sounds like his knee was barking, and that’s a woof from me, dawg.

Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 0.72. Rodon looks effectively wild. Do people still say that or did that get cancelled because someone found a Tarzan man in the jungles of Mauritius and ‘effectively wild’ needed to be changed to ‘untamed?’ Is untamed worse?

Yermin Mercedes – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .423. Oh, is that it? I’m dealing with some 1st round Toyotas and I could’ve had a last round Mercedes.

Dylan Cease – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.96. The Tigers just rolled over yesterday like they were mimicking moves of Carole Baskin on Dancing With The Stars. Streamonator loved this start for Cease, and doesn’t like his next, and I agree.

Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. OZUNA hit third longest home run at Truist. OZUNA hit longest non-Acuña home run at Truist. OZUNA find out from Elias Sports Bureau who bore him to death.

Nico Hoerner – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 1st steal. Okay, we need to put our collective energies to getting Hoerner to hit leadoff. It’s not just for Hoerner; Anthony Rizzo (3-for-6) hitting leadoff sucks for fantasy. Can you imagine any manager with any sense seeing Rizzo hit leadoff? “How can you get ducks on the pond in front of him? Is this David Ross guy stupid in the head?” That’s the Ghost of Earl Weaver.

Adbert Alzolay – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.71. ACKCHUALLY has pitched better than his ERA — 9.9 K/9, 2.6 BB/9, 3.75 FIP, 3.10 xERA, whatever you wanna look at! Been a little lucky on BABIP, and crazy unlucky on LOB. I will call you LOBert. Any hoo! I liked him in the preseason, and still do, but he does feel like the kind of guy the Streamonator will never like.

Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.16. Will people pick up this giant idiot already so he blows up and I never have to talk about him again? C’mon, do your buddy Grey a solid.

Isiah Kiner-Falefa – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. See what I said for Gibson, but in the reverse. People started dropping the Israel Diner-Falafel and now he’s hitting. Point your index finger at your nose and repeat this, “I am the difference maker.”

Corbin Burnes – Hit the IL with undisclosed reasons, which means one of two things and I don’t think it’s “cat’s got his tongue.”

Travis Shaw – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .217. That’s right, your 2019 NL MVP, baby!

Eric Lauer – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, in his 1st start vs. Trevor Bauer – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.48. This matchup was billed as “Lauer/Bauer, a shot a minute, that’s the Power Hour. Lauer is known as a loving soul, Bauer’s a f***ing troll.” Too bad Bauer retired Consummate4Sight. What’s that you ask? Oh, here ya go, but this is NSFA (A is for anywhere) — yes, it’s Trevor Bauer’s very brief stint as a rapper; it is as good as it sounds, literally:

Brusdar Graterol – Hit the IL with forearm tightness. Sigh, someone get Dr. James Andrews out of his Ferrari-shaped hot tub.

Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.11. You ever combine his name to Aaronola and subconsciously look at your areola? Hmm, maybe it’s just me.

Kwang-hyun Kim – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.29.”No one Phils the bat crack,” Kim. It’s a famous quote. Also, looked at the Streamonator for Kim, and it likes his next.

Trey Mancini – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .247. It’s not Charlie Sheen’s mom, that’s Ma Sheen. It’s not the Hitter-Tron‘s 1st wife, that’s Machiney. It’s Trey Mancini!

Gleyber Torres – 1-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .231. Earlier in the game, Gleyber couldn’t even drive in a run with the bases loaded vs. the O’s. Is he making us wait until September before we see a big Gleyber Day blowout? At the very least, I wish I drafted Memorial Torres instead.

Jordan Montgomery – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.39. It’s ironic a guy named Montgomery can’t even get 3 Ks.