Yesterday, Shane Bieber went 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.44. Donkey Teeth and I made a trade the other day. My first trade of the year. I sent him Kenley Jansen for Shane Bieber. I discuss it on this week’s podcast. I receive Shane Bieber in this trade…TOMORROW! I don’t even want him now! He’s tainted with Donkey Teeth juice. That one-hitter is supposed to be mine! Mine, I say! Only thing worse would’ve been he threw a one-hitter and broke his hand high-fiving Bauer. Ugh, why couldn’t Donkey Teeth offer the trade the day before so I had Bieber on my team? I want him. Me! Me! Me! *Idris Elba opens an envelope* “…and Best Dramatic Retelling of a Fantasy Baseball Trade goes to…Some guy in his mom’s basement you never heard of.” Damn, I lost that too!  Donkey Teeth offered me Rhys Hoskins, Madison Bumgarner or Bieber and I jumped at the lattest (totally a word), because Bieber’s peripherals are gorge — 11.2 K/9, 2 BB/9, 3.19 xFIP. Bieber was a preseason sleeper of mine, and he is essentially a top ten pitcher. So, put that in your natch and natch it!  Too bad I own him in one less league as of yesterday.  Me!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Paul DeJong – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and his 16th, 17th and 18th homer, hitting .258.  Colonel Mustard in the stables with the horse tranquilizer! Colonel Mustard in the massage parlor’s bathroom with a bottle of lotion! Colonel Mustard in the parking lot of his niece’s school with binoculars!  What the hell is Colonel Mustard doing?  Greek chorus, “Hitting home runs, like everyone else.”

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, 3rd homer in three games.  Au Shizz!

Yairo Munoz – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 6th and 7th steal, hitting .300.  *sees a guy stealing bases instead of hitting home runs, sits up in seat* Tell me more.

Jameson Taillon – Shut down from throwing and will visit more doctors about his elbow. I don’t have a doctor degree.  I’m so dumb I call a medical degree a ‘doctor degree.’ How’sever, when Taillon went down, without examining him, I could’ve told you he’s done for the year, and maybe next year.

Jordan Lyles – 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.36.  Three quick homers allowed made this Jordan’s pitches flew game. In case it was not abundantly clear, the Giants aren’t the only terrible offense that is suddenly hitting again. Watch out for the Cardinals.

Starling Marte – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .288. Hit home runs or get out of my roundup!

Rougned Odor – 1-for-4, and his 18th homer, his 4th homer in three days and fifth homer this week, so I need to scream it.  Metaphorically.  Check out these numbers:  41/13/41/.302/7 in 192 ABs. That’s roughly a 110/35/110/15 pace.  That was what Odor did last July/August combined. I know he’s burned you before; I’ve been burned too.  I am literally soaking in a bathtub filled with Calamine lotion I’ve been burned so many times, but you have to pick him up.

Joey Gallo – Will visit a hand specialist.  Hopefully, that doesn’t mean a palm reader.  There’s some mumblings he has a broken hamate bone, and this feels like it’s trending towards Gallo being out a while. Might want to form a prayer hexagon and bow your heads.

Mike Minor – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.00 vs. Mike Leake – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.25. This matchup was billed as, “Mike’ing a Minor/Leake, a subreddit you don’t want to go into.”

Daniel Vogelbach – 2-for-4, and his 24th and 25th homer, hitting .233.  The Jelly Donut of Swat is bringin’ sexy ‘bach!  Hey, Khris Davis owners, you wanna cry? According to the Player Rater, Vogelbach’s been better than Davis, and it’s not close.

Addison Russell – Optioned to the minors. Going on eBay to put penny bid on the world’s smallest violin just for Addison.

Jon Lester – Was scratched with an illness. Lester said, “I feel ill,” then the Beastie Boys screamed, “Time to get ill!”  Then Lester said, “No, man, seriously, I’m gonna puke.”

Willson Contreras – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I know Karen in Accounting is religious, which is why I asked her if she listens to Coldpray, not because she’s Asian.”

Kris Bryant – Hit his 21st homer, but left the game with knee soreness. That’s usually a day-to-day thing, unlike née soreness, which takes a trip to City Hall to correct.

Tyler Beede – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.85. Just when I buy into Beede on all my teams, he does this. Fantasy Baseball: When Everyday Stress Isn’t Enough.

J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .267. It’s going on, like, twelve years (guesstimating) that it’s paid to punt catcher. Member last year with Gary Sanchez and Contreras?  Member the Lucroy is a 2nd rounder years?  Member that Joe Mauer in the 1st round year? I’m gasp-laughing.

Vince Velasquez – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.46.  If it’s not Pineda or Pivetta, it’s Velasquez being a guy I have a hard time ever saying no to, ugh, and Streamonator likes his next start.  He is my kryptonite!  Damn, just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, now I’m singing 3 Doors Down!

David Price – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.66.  Price has settled into a solid 3.50 to 3.75 ERA pitcher, which, in today’s game, is basically an ace. Or as David Price would say, “Eff you, Eck.”

Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.60. Morton’s making me eat my words about selling him, and he sure is salty.

Tommy Pham – 1-for-3 and a slam (16) and legs (11). Overdue for a good game, as he was hitting around .215 in the month of July. Be interesting to see if he turns it on in August as he did last year. Though if he’s following last year’s script, I believe he would need a season-ending injury that he comes back from in five days and becomes the hottest hitter in the game.

Dinelson Lamet – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.00. For whatever reason, what I keep saying is not getting through because people keep asking about Lamet. He has a career 4.63 ERA. He is 27 years old. He is not stretched out, due to surgery. There’s next to nothing here, outside of deep leagues.

Noah Syndergaard – 7 IP, 3 ER, 13 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.33. Imagine your excitement when you hear he’s traded.  Now imagine he’s traded to the Rockies.

Nick Senzel – Left yesterday’s game with dizziness. Sounds like no big deal until you realize he’s had vertigo more times than Jimmy Stewart in San Francisco. I wonder if the hammer in his ear is discombobulated and why he keeps having setbacks every time he joins the Reds. “Where’s my sickle? You can’t touch this.”  That’s his ear hammer, sounding mezzo-stunod. Kidding aside, I’m concerned, a reappearance of this is not good for him.

Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.86. Maybe it’s the Texas thing, but Verlander feels like the closest we have to Nolan Ryan for sheer staying power–Okay, just looked at Nolan Ryan’s numbers, and he had a 2.91 ERA and 203 Ks at the age of 44 and nearly won the Cy Young at the age of 42 with 301 Ks!  Haha, how does he not have a Cy Young? He has years with a FIP of 2.28 and an ERA of 1.69!

Jose Altuve – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .287.  Now has three homers this week, and is hitting near-.400 in the last week. I don’t own him, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’m hoping he has a big 2nd half so he’s overdrafted again next year.

Brad Keller – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.95 vs. Julio Teheran – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.42. Now that I mentioned it yesterday that it feels like there’s better pitching after the All-Star break, you’re totally thinking it too, aren’t you?

Ryan Braun – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting.274. Now has three homers in 47 July at-bats, when he only had three homers in 93 June at-bats. He’s doubled his homers! (Look at the big brain on Grey!) Maybe the advice of Bellinger at the All-Star break, and ignoring the council of Counsell has helped Braun.

Keston Hiura – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .327. Thankfully, he’s still batting towards the bottom of the order, between Thames and Arcia. Don’t want Keston building confidence or anything.

Freddy Peralta – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save, ERA at 4.79. Ladies with perms and men who love them, your new Brewers closer!  Maybe.  I don’t know. Counsell said yesterday, with his trademark flip of the microphone upside down, Peralta’s “stuff fits in the 9th.” As I’ve been saying, the Brewers have longed to move Hader into the 7th/8th inning to shorten the game, and Peralta has a 2.32 ERA in 31 relief innings (coming into yesterday).  Then again, Jhoulys Chacin is headed back to the IL, so the Brewers have three starters and might need Peralta there. Then again then again, Freddy has sucked as a starter and they can’t stretch him out in time to start.  With all of this said, I grabbed Peralta in every league for saves.

Gary Sanchez – Hit the IL with a groin strain.  Gary has almost as many problems with his groin as John Wayne Bobbitt. Put a steel pod around your ding-dong, Sanchez! On a related note, Sanchez’s previous month? Well, keeping with the groin theme, he’s sucked balls.

Aaron Hicks – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in two days, and third or fourth dagger to the Twins’ heart. Hey, Hicks, if you’re trying to win ALCS MVP, you have to wait until the postseason.

J.A. Happ – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.23. I don’t often have awful teams, but it occurred this year. Thankfully, I have every terrible pick I made all on the same team. J.A.nkee Doodie Dandy is just one of many duds there (Giancarlo, Alvarado, the list goes on).

Jake Odorizzi – 4 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 3.84.  Bear with me here because I’m wearing a tin foil hat, but could it be possible that Odorizzi and Odor are the universe’s yin and yang and when one does well, the other has to do poorly? *looks at Odorizzi’s peripherals* Oh, no, this was just a correction.

Luis Arraez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, hitting .379. He doesn’t hit home runs, but I’ve been meaning to mention him a few times and pulled back because I had to mention Nelson Cruz (2-for-4, 2 runs and his 22nd homer) or Eddie Rosario (2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer) or even Marwin Gonzalez (1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer), but Arraez has been hitting near-.380 for a while now and he never strikes out. Could Arraez have ate what Astudillo’s was cooking? Metaphorically, yes. Physically, impossible.

Blake ParkerTwins designated him for assignment.  If the Angels claim him and make him their closer, I will remove my pants in a public place and wait for the police to lock me up.

Justin Turner – 3-for-4 and his 14th homer.  “I think it’s just a red shag carpet. You can throw it away–Holy crap!  It just moved! Oh my God, it’s Justin Turner!”

Kole Calhoun – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, and 2nd homer in a row.  Calhoun always hits two homers in two games, and never hits three homers in three games. You can look it up.

Reynaldo Lopez – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.52. Look who it is, a guy who did well last 2nd half thinking he can just waltz in here and do well again in this 2nd half. Wait a minute! He might be a 2nd half pitcher. Okay, might just be a cyclops’ing if your league is shallow, but also could see grabbing him.

Zac Gallen – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.76. This is bonkers, but if Gallen and Caleb Smith are your top two starters, what team’s got better?  Astros?  Okay. Indians?  All right. Dodgers?  Meh, okay. Washington? All right. Anyone else? Am I forgetting someone?

Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Since someone will say it in response to the Gallen question, yes, the Nats have three.

Jon Gray – Left the game due to a calf injury, but x-rays were negative and reportedly they couldn’t even “find a cow, let alone a calf,” so he should be fine for his next start.

Anthony Santander – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, his 2nd homer in as many games, 4th homer this week, hitting third, a crazy hot schmotato, and now suddenly vying for the worst Friday Buy column lede.

Trey Mancini – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer, and 5th homer in the last seven games. The Orioles players are hitting like they’re in an intersquad game.

John Means – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.12. Visual metaphor alert!  The Orioles’ front office carries John Means in and places him on a card table set up at the Antiques Roadshow. The appraiser looks at him and says, “Maybe you can fetch a prospect who is a middle reliever or possibly the Red Sox will give you a backup backup backup catcher.”

Carson Kelly – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer.  Let’s rewind back to March when y’all thought I had Dumb Donald operating my frontal lobe, due to my ranking of Kelly. Okay, he hasn’t been incredible, but he’s got the same number of homers and nearly same average as Realmuto.

Yoan Lopez – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save, ERA at 2.72, as Greg Holland (o IP, 0 ER, 2 walks) might’ve finally punched his ticket to Shizzville, population: Him, after he threw eight of nine pitches for balls. Grabbed Yoan Lopez in one league, because why not? So, YoLo YOLO.

David Peralta – 0-for-1 as he didn’t start but was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I’m surprised no one laughed when I said, ‘I’m gonna make like a Schreiber and Liev.’ No Ray Donovan fans?”