The Red Sox season is like the guy that knocks over the Jenga structure with the first block pulled, then manages to somehow knock every single block off the table, even the ones on the very bottom. Koji Uehara hit the DL with a fractured wrist, and is done for the season, as originally speculated here after reading between the lines at other sites. I also read between the lines that aliens constructed Tikal in Guatemala. And I thought Tikal was constructed by Method Man. Also, I have a bone to pick with read, why is the past tense still spelled read? Siri can’t even figure that shizz out to speak. You messed up, English language! Any the hoo! With Uehara out, this opens a hole for Jean Machi or Junichi Tazawa to walk through. Tazawa is Asian, though I’m not sure that’s a requirement, Machi is ugly. Again, may not matter. Either way, I’d go Machi first since Sawx manager, John Farrell, indicated that Machi would fill-in as the closer, adding, “And Sandoval is still fat.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kevin Kiermaier – Hoping to return on Tuesday. That’s the best he can hope for? I’m hoping to run into my junior high bully, Tommy Mankowitz, with my car.
Byron Buxton – Activated from the DL and sent to the minors. The Twins likely wanted to make sure Eddie Rosario had a place to play. Lord knows that Eddie Rosario is the future of their franchise and not that Buxton character. Paul Molitor added, “Buxton can come back when he can string together 39 games straight with a hit, no more, no less.” Molitor is a benevolent dictator.
Howie Kendrick – Hit the DL and Jose Peraza was called up. Peraza (1-for-4) has 60-steal speed and doesn’t strike out much at all (or walk), so if you need SAGNOF, I’d be all over Peraza. If I sound less enthusiastic than maybe I should, Mattingly. If Peraza hits, he’ll get benched. If he doesn’t hit, he’ll play but won’t be hitting. Mattingly is the fantasy Catch 22. Also, he could just play Kike Hernandez (1-for-4) at 2nd, because the Jews run Hollywood.
Brett Anderson – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 3.43. Also palindromic are dud, gag, ohcmonmannamnomcho!
Ian Desmond – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homers. I kinda hope he gets to 20 homers, so everyone can see how short people’s memories are next year when the comments come in like, “Grey, you’re super handsome, and I have one question, Desmond as a bounce back?”
Gio Gonzalez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.50. And you started him only because, “Well, I got him on my team, so I guess I’m starting him. Oy, these are my reasons?” Oy, you’re welcome!
Michael Cuddyer – Was activated from the DL, but sat on the bench. Wilmer Flores brought him a box of tissues, saying, “Just in case.”
Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Glad to see he made good on his promise when d’Arnaud said, “I’ll be back.”
Jon Niese – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.46. I was about to say it’s no wonder his ERA is that solid, look where he pitches his home games. However, guess what his away ERA is. Go ahead, I’ll wait. *scratches side, realizes I was wearing my Halloween Freddy Krueger finger blades, calls 911, gets rushed to the hospital, tells EMT Niese’s Away ERA in case I don’t make it, I make it, returns from hospital wrapped in 47 feet of gauze* Niese’s away ERA is 2.84! That’s damn low. I’d still look at the Stream-o-Nator for him, but he makes the case to start everywhere.
Jonathan Gray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. As I said in Friday’s Buy, I liked Gray in Metco (really, I like anyone in Metco), and wanted to watch Gray. Well, I did and he looked dirty with four R’s shipped in from the South. Sadly, I wouldn’t touch him in Coors, and that’s where he is next.
Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. Seriously? No, no, no. Again with some stank. Seriously?! Damn, there’s the zone, there’s the ozone, there’s ESPN Zone’s nasty-ass food and then there’s the zone CarGo is in.
Josh Harrison – Cleared to play in rehab games. As long as you have your glove, young man!
A.J. Burnett – Played catch over the weekend, then went for ice cream and played mini putt-putt. Man, those major leaguers have the life!
Jay Bruce – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer. If he got to 30 homers, I’d let Bruce pull me on stage for Dancing in the Dark.
Justin Upton – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Looking for a guy that could go on a CarGo-like stretch? Here’s one.
Matt Shoemaker – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the White Sux. Ah, The Cobbler back to cobbling together two pieces of doodie that don’t fit without a ton of Crazy Glue. It says more about Shoemaker that he’s gluing together doodie than I could ever say about him. You are a doodie gluer-together-er! Damn, I really thought Shoemaker turned a corner, but he made the Comatose White Sox Fan, who woke up yesterday, think his team was meeting preseason predictions. “Damn, we’re so stacked offensively LaRoche is batting sixth! Right? Hello? Guys?” Yeah, the White Sox are not good, but made Shoemaker look less so. I think you have to let Shoemaker fall back in the streamer bin in most mixed leagues.
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers (10, 11). Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone to pick him up. I made that promise and I’m nothing if not a Promise Keeper, playa! For our Hispanic friends that found us by Googling “Promise Keepers playa,” looking for a Christian beach, yeah, you need to head back to Google.
Tyler Flowers – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .222. Can’t believe he’s been better than Zunino. Yes, this only matters to me because no one else has been anchored to Zunino all year, but, Jesus Montero, he’s been bad.
Tyler Saladino – 1-for-4 and his 3rd steal. I’m the only one that likes him. I get it.
Chris Sale – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.47. Looks like Sale’s whole; you lose, retail!
Johnny Giavotella – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and hitting near-.350 in the last week. Yesterday, he was hitting lower in the order, but he has been hitting towards the top and is a light hot schmotato.
Matt Boyd – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 7.11, which was also Apu’s ERA. Future is bright, Tigers fans. Dot, dot, dot. If your team can do the impossible and get old as shizz like the Yankees and still somehow win games. Otherwise, well, you have J.D.
Johnny Cueto – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.53. I’m gonna make the most random prediction of my very young, millennial life, Cueto gets beaned in the World Series when he has to bat in the NL park, and Yordano charges the field in a ripped shirt with bandanas tied around his biceps like The Ultimate Warrior.
Rubby de la Rosa – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. We’re through one start this week from Rubby, and I already feel the rising blood pressure from my salt intake on the Double Down.
Yasmany Tomas – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Ah, so he didn’t accidentally get in the wrong line at the water park and float back to Cuba. Excellent!
Welington Castillo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 15th homer. Hot damn, the Boeuf is sizzling.
Jake Lamb – 2-for-4, 2 runs, hitting around .325 in the last week. C’mon, Lamb hasn’t been baaaaaaahd.
Aaron Harang – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER. Such an ugly start. And he didn’t pitch well either.
A.J. Pollock – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (26). Long live the Poles!
Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer. If you stand too close to Bill James right now, you would get impregnated. Guy or girl.
Adam Jones – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th homer. Hasn’t been awful, but doode is going to be nowhere near the 1st round next year. I’m not sure if he’ll even be in the top 50.
Wei-Yin Chen – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.21. I get it, he’s a total bore to start-slash-own-slash-axl-izzy, but he’s been completely respectable for most leagues the entire season.
James Paxton – Likely won’t return this year. Do I hear 2016 sleeper? Yeah, I do, but I also have a seashell up to my ear that I found off the coast by the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston.
Franklin Gutierrez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. The Big FraGu would’ve made a nice batty call. Ain’t that right, Shirley?
Marcus Stroman – Cleared to throw off a mound. How can he balance on that chocolate-coconut treat?
Devon Travis – Unlikely to return until September. I wonder if Travis caught the same thing as former Blue Jays prospect, Brett Lawrie, that caused him to look amazing for the first month of his career, and then do nothing for five years, make me want to Google his name + address and send him some steamed vegetables that have passed through my colon.