Say It Ain’t Sano

Minnesota’s resident bad boy Miguel Sano continues his triumphal return to crushing baseballs and dinging dongs Friday night with his fifth home run (a solo shot) off Reynaldo Lopez in the third inning. Let it Sano. Let it Sano. Well, you get it. It seems like everyone on the Twins is having a career year so far, and Miguel has returned from the IL just in time to get on this sweet 2019 Twinkie action. He’s now slashing .250/.333/.857 with five home runs and nine RBI through seven games. Yes, you read that correct, five home runs in seven games. Extrapolate that. Calculating….calculating…calculating. Let’s see he’s on pace to hit 76 home runs from now until August. Hmm, wait that seems wrong. Irregardless! He’s 7-for-28 in the past week and five of those seven hits have gone yard-o, folks. If that doesn’t make your happy memorial day I don’t know what can. Sure, he’s got 11 strikeouts already, but he’s also slugging .857. This is Miguel Sano. This is what you’re signing up for. He swings and misses with the best in and biz but when he connects *kisses fingertips* mmm, grazie.  He’s available in over 60% of leagues, but that number should shrink quite a bit once the Minneapolis die-hards wake up. He was a BUY and he’s definitely worth a flier if you need power, especially while he’s sending every baseball he touches to the moon. Pick him up, Sano you want to!

Here’s what else happened in fantasy baseball Friday night:

Max Kepler – 3-for-4, HR (11), 4 RBI. I really think it’s the Twins year, you guys. And not just because that division is so bad the Marlins might even have a chance at winning it. OK, now that I’ve sufficiently jinxed them we can continue.

Eddie Rosario – 4-for-5, HR (15), 3 RBI. Fast Eddie, who’s really not as fast as he is powerful so the nickname doesn’t really work, is slashing .285/.314/.554 with 15 homers and 42 RBIs. He’s also hitting over .400 in the past week and is the number two outfielder on the player rater. That’s better than Trout!

Jose Berrios – 6.2 IP, 9 hits, ER, 4 K, 7th win. His defense made this one look worse than it once. Berrios leads the league in wins and his 3.20 ERA and 1.15 WHIP tell me he’s a bonafide Ace with a capital Ace.

Trevor Story – 2-for-4, 2 HR (13). A Coors Homecoming! “Ahh, it’s good to be home.” –All Rockies hitter last night, probably.

Nolan Arenado – 3-for-4, 2 HR (13). OK, I get this wrong every time but Grey personally emailed me specific instructions on how to write a Nolan Arenado blurb and I’m confident I can get it right this time. I even printed out the instructions so I can read them easily and smartly deleted the email because I won’t be needing it anymore. Alright, I’ll just haphazardly leave the instructions by this open window while I look up his stats–NOOOO!!! Torenado!

Keon Broxton – 2-for-4, HR (1), 2 RBI. Well, that’s some RAW power from the Orioles line up. When you’re rostering the Mets trash you know you’re in trouble. Pick him up if you hate yourself.

Renato Nunez – 1-for-1, PH HR (11). Rudy’s batty call this week. That might be the first time I’ve linked to Rudy’s stuff? Well, no one can say I’m not a company man! I live for Ravball! I’m sorry? It’s Razz? Oh. I don’t get it.

Scott Oberg – 1.0 IP, 2 K, W. He’s the closer in Colorado! And hey, he looked pretty OK last night. Pretty OK one of the best compliments I’ve ever received regarding my bedroom prowess. Hear that human females, I mean, ladies. At the very least, I’m probably not going to disappoint you. Also, I’d own Oberg.

Robbie Ray  5.1 IP, 5 hits, 2 ER, 2 BB, 9 K, 4th win. He will never go more than six innings and he may destroy your ratios but he will strike out every one who gets in his way and you know what I kind of like that.

Ildemaro Vargas – 5-for-6, HR (2), 2 RBI. Had to re-re-check the spelling on this guys name at least four times. Not worth the trouble.

Adam Jones – 4-for-5, HR (10), 3 RBI. Eduardo Escobar and Ketel Marte also homered as the D-Backs scored 18 runs on 21 hits. That’s an Oracle Park record! And no, Kevin Cron didn’t even play.

Drew Pomeranz – 2.2 IP, 8 hits, 5 ER, BB, 6 K. When I saw Arizona had scored 18 I just KNEW Dwew had started this game. I didn’t even have to look. I just knew it! Classic.

Mark Canha – 1-for-3, HR (8). He was a BUY! Canha get a what what. Lemme get a home run. He’s got three straight games with a shot and will play with Khris Davis injured. Grab him if you need power.

Matt Olson – 1-for-3, HR (5), 3 RBI and Stephen Piscotty  (3-for-4, HR (6), SB (2)) Hey, it’s more A’s to scratch your I’m missing Kish Davish real bad itch. At the very least, I bet these three can bat around .247 combined. Especially if they hype themselves up with the new Lonely Island video.

Brian Goodwin – 2-for-4, HR (6), 2 RBI. That’s back-to-back games with a dinger. After finding a magic lamp in the Cave of Wonders, Brian met a rapping blue genie and wished that he make him a starting outfielder for the Angels alongside his idols Trout and Upton. Hey wait, that’s not a rapping genie–it’s Will Smith! You can’t fool me, Will, I know a family-friendly rap song when I hear it. Do you think Brian’s wish will still come true?

Griffin Canning – 5.0 IP, 3 hits, 2 BB, 5 K. Hogwart’s most dangerous extreme sport–I wrote about Griffin Canning a few weeks ago and he’s been pretty OK. There’s that phrase again! The strikeouts have been underwhelming but the 1.06 WHIP is impressive. If I was as desperate for wins as I am for positive feedback I’d consider streaming him in Oakland on Wednesday.

Shawn Kelley – 1.0 IP 1 hit, K, SV (5). Why do I still own Jose LeClerc if you’re going to do this Rangers! He’s clearly ready, in fact, he should have pitched last night. First the Game of Thrones finale, now this. Oyyy, why is this happening to me. I’ll give LeClerc another week to get a save, then I’m jumping ship quicker than Euron Greyjoy.

Jordan Luplow – 2-for-3, HR (6), SB (2). It’s funny to me that the Injians clean up hitter is in a platoon. Lots of things that are funny to me aren’t really funny, especially to Cleveland fans.

Shane Bieber – 5.0 IP, 4 hits, ER, 4 BB, 10 K. Whata week for Bieber. He’s got a 15 K game and a hit single with Ed Sheeran and he’s still banging Hailey Baldwin and he sleeps in a tube. Will he strike out 20 against the Red Sox next week? I Don’t Know! (That’s the name of the pop song!)

Blake Snell – 6.2 IP, 4 hits, ER, 3 BB, 7 K. Would you rather have Snell’s line last night or Bieber’s? Don’t be ashamed, admit it, yeah, I’d take the three extra Ks, too.

Mike Foltynewicz – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, 0 ER, 0 BB, 7 K, 1st win vs. Miles Mikolas 7.0 IP, 7 hits, 3 ER, 0 BB, 9 K. This match up was billed: two pitchers we all wanted to own in the preseason and are all upset we own now. But yesterday was a good day. Folty’s got his groove back and the velocity is there, would add/buy/sell soul for.

Matt Carpenter – 2-for-4, HR (7). Carpenter tends to get hot in a hurry and hit home runs in bunches. He’s now homered in back-to-back games. You do the math, I’m on vacation!

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4, HR (13). Ahh, yes. Ol’ reliable.

Dansby Swanson – 2-for-4, 2 HR (10), 3 RBI. Swanson serving up TV dingers! Dansby good like that. His third home in three days, his fourth multi-hit game in a row and he’s now hit safely in his past seven. That’s alotta things. Oh, he’s also hitting between Freddie Freeman and Ronald AcuÑa. He’s the 2019 Ozzie Albies. Sohotrightnow. Hot or not, he needs to be owned everywhere.

Chris Sale – 6.0 IP, 3 hits, 2 ER, 4 R, 2 BB, 5 K, 6th L. There’s a stat I heard that I’m neither going to fact-check or google, that Chris Sale has one win in his past 18 starts, and something like 12 no decisions. The Sawx defense is not great, but you’re Chris Sale and you need to be better, even against the Astros.

Wade Miley – 6.0 IP, 4 hits, ER, 2 BB, 8 K, 5th win. On the other hand, we have Miley with 5 wins and hasn’t pitched more than 6 innings in a start all year. So seriously, Sale, what’s yer excuse?

George Springer – 0-for-3, RBI. Left the game with a hamstring injury and it did not look good. Manager AJ Hinch didn’t seem very optimistic either. Jake Marisnick  (2-for-4, HR (6)) will obv see plenty of PT in his absence. If there’s a silver lining to any of this it’s that we might see Yordan Alvarez or Kyle Tucker sooner than later to fill Springer’s shoes. Make it happen, Astros!

Jackie Bradley, Jr. – 1-for-4, HR (3). He’s hitting .318 with two doubles and 3 homers in his past five games. Just don’t look beyond his past five games and you’re fine. Jackie is a player who will get insanely hot for a few weeks and bat .180 the rest of the year, bringing his yearly average to something not quite bad enough to force him out of the line up.

Christian Vasquez – 1-for-1, a pinch hit HR (7) with 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th. Grey has been telling you to BUY for weeks. I don’t understand how he’s still available. What catchers are owned over Vasquez? I don’t think I can name 5 “better” catchers, let alone 10 or 12.

Joey Lucchesi – 6.2 IP, 3 hits, 3 ER, BB, 11 K. Luccheesin’ it with the stinky cheddar! The 11 Ks was a career high and he set down the first 13 batters in order. That’s now back to back more-than-solid starts from my boi. Lil’ Joey Lucchesi of the Mozzarella di parma Lucchesis made his family proud last night, and the Sargento Provolones and even Belgioioso Parmigiano-Reggiano family will be gathering at Nana’s house Sunday evening for a big pasta dinner. He gave up two home runs but fuggedaboutit, I’d own him even for his start in NYC City next week.

Trent Thornton – 6.0 IP, 4 hits, 3 ER, 3 BB, 10 K. I feel like I’ve written more blurbs about Thornton than he deserves. But I don’t know, maybe I’m his good luck charm. That 60/25 K/BB sure is prettty, and he’s got three quality starts in a row and a favorable match up next week. I might possibly consider the prospect of maybe thinking about mulling over the possibility of contemplating whether or not I should review the option of potentially streaming him. I don’t know for sure though.

Freddy Galvis – 2-for-3, HR (7). He’s slashing .271/.305/.448 with seven homers, 21 RBI and two stolen bases. If his name was Cavan Biggio (0-for-3, 2 K in debut), he’d be owned in over 90% of leagues by now.

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-5, HR (18). Ya but Christian’s got 20. And ur not even batting over .400 anymore (.389). Lol trash Cody B. Never should have traded Puig. Should have resigned Machado.

David Freese – 2-for-4, GS HR (4). Seriously for real tho, joking aside (I am not a joker), the Dodgers let Puig, Utley, Dozier and Machado go, and missed out on signing Harper and STILL have a top five offense. Must be Dave Roberts magic?

Walker Buehler – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, ER, BB, 6 K. More of a K-er than a walker with three straight QSs allowing one run or fewer. He’s also got a 1.05 WHIP and 52 Ks on the year. He is good at throwing baseballs. I hope you bought low cuz I think he’s fixed.

Juan Soto – 3-for-4, HR (8), 3 RBI. So everyone on the Nats homered last night including Matt Adams, Adam Eaton and Anthony Rendon, but Soto is hotter than a selfie of myself with the gender swapped SnapChat filter (damn, I can’t believe how good I look–whata babe) Juan’s batting .500 with 2 homers and 9 RBI in the past week and has raised in average almost 60 points in that stretch. How is that not Sexy Dr. Pepper!? And I prefer Mr. Pibb!

Brian Anderson – 2-for-4, HR (5). This is the best hitter on the worst team in the league and I just want to call him Brett every time so badly for some reason.

Jorge Alfaro – 3-for-5, HR (7). Here’s a catcher you can buy that might have 50 RBIs all season if he’s lucky.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4, HR (14), SB (2). Kris Bryant and Kyle Schwarber also homered. The Mash Bros. Triple Threat Trio. Rage Brigade. If I’m a Cubs fan (I’m not), these are the three I want dinging dongs every night so I can sleep soundly in my Lake Shore Drive luxury condo. Bryant is hitting .350 with 9 homers in May after hitting .218 with 2 in April. He says he was just waiting for Taylor Swift to release new music. This is the real “ME!” he said. Hmm. I checked the timeline with the release of her latest single. Story checks out.

Yasiel Puig – 2-for-4, HR (8), 3 RBI. Puig can seem like one of the most infuriating players to own in fantasy. But he will get his stats. And you will forget you hated owning him and try to draft him again next year.

Kyle Hendricks – 6.0 IP, 6 hits, 3 ER, BB, 9 K. I feel like I write about Kyle too every week. Maybe I’m your good luck charm. Maybe Kyle and Trent Thornton should start a fan club where they make dream boards with my picture on them and scrap books where they quote some of their favorite blurbs from my past posts. If anyone is actually interested in starting something like this please DM me for more details.

Steve Cishek – 0.0, 1 hit, 2 ER, BB, BS (2). BUY. Just when you thought you were so smart scooping up Strop’s temporarily fill-in and he was looking ready to run away with the job then–BAM! Cishek happens.

Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-4, HR (12). Would you rather own Harper or Hoskins? No, I don’t just mean in fantasy, I mean hypothetically if you were the owner of a MLB franchise.

Scott Kingery – 2-for-4, run, RBI. BUY. I can’t predict what Gabe Kapler’s going to do next but I do think he has a soft spot for Kingery, and he’s started five out of six games since returning from the DL.

Hector Neris – 1.0 IP, 3 K, SV (9). Pat Neshek hits the DL and now there is no Phillies relief pitchers left to threaten Neris’ gig. He’s the closer. I’m pretty sure this time!

Christian Yelich – 1-for-4, HR (20). Despite being a Scientologist, I cannot hide my love for Christian. TWENTY HOME RUNS! ! ! Sweet Sassy Molassy! It’s still May, bro, you can chill. I saw a meme of the pitching staff the Marlins could have had this year had they not been dumb or whatever. But let’s not forget but they also traded Yelich for Lewis Brinson. Which has not panned out well for them so far, but I guess time will tell.

Wilson Ramos – 2-for-4, HR (3), 2 RBI. Sure, you should drop your catcher for him. No, I don’t care who your catcher is. Is it Ramos?

Pete Alonso – 2-for-4, HR (17). I can’t stress how important Pete Alonso has been to me this spring. My team would be nothing. NOTHING without him. It has forced me to cheer for the Mets, and I don’t know who my first baseman would be without him but he would probably be crying.

Amed Rosario – 2-for-5, HR (5). Why do I own so many Mets this year. No wonder I’m losing.

Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-2, HR (2). I’m not going to list all the players that have more home runs than Miggy because there’s too many. But I will name one, Pablo Sandoval. OK, one more, Jacoby Jones (2-for-5, 5th HR, 4 RBI), who is one of many team mates Cabrera says is not good enough to make him play good enough. Maybe he just needs more money?

Noah Syndergaard – 5.1 IP, 10 hits, 6 ER, BB, 9 K. Oh, ya he’s fine. The Tigers can be tough, y’know. Not worried at all. *opens oven, stick head inside* At least the Game of Thrones Finale was satisfying.

Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!