Legit, this is longest July 4th weekend of all time. In 1776 on July 4th, Ben Franklin grabbed six ladies, and was like, “This will be better than Flag Day. We will call this Flagellation Day. Now twerk with a firework!” That lasted for three days until Ben yelled out an Astros’ hitter last name and called for a volunteer fire department to put out his redness. Any hoo! Ian Desmond hit the DL with “I wanna rest for a few extra days before the break.” It’s an epidemic that is going around the majors right now. This especially sucks for those that had him in their weekly lineups because you’re getting ziplock. But, for the rest of us, we got Raimel Tapia (3-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer). Fun fact! He has a brother who drinks too much and can’t control his lasciviousness. His name is Felasleepon Tapia. Raimel gets a huge boost in value with Desmond’s DL stint. He’s a grab for every league, especially if you need SAGNOF. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Gonzalez – 0-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .218, as he was activated from the DL. He missed the minimum amount of time, unless you count the games he was playing in but not really doing anything, then he’s missed the entire season.
Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (18) and legs (6), hitting .313. I don’t own Chazz Noir in any leagues, so I didn’t know how well he was doing, but, behind the scenes, I’m busy doing the top 100 for the 2nd half that will be out next week, so I looked at Noir, and wow. He’s doing work.
Scooter Gennett – 3-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .311. I grabbed Scoots McSchmotato on Sunday because I knew he was headed to Coors, and I want some goodness!
Tommy Pham – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI. On our last 30-day Player Rater (yes, we have one of those too; Rudy doesn’t sleep), Pham is top 50 overall for all hitters, above such guys as Just Dong Martinez, Giancarlo, Giancarlo’s dong; okay, I’m distracted now. Pham, though, wham, bham, thank you, mham. He’s worth owning right now.
Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 5th steal, hitting .301, but left with a leg cramp. Take a Midol, Gyorko!
Luke Voit – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. True story, Jon Voight in full-on scarf shops at my supermarket, and all he ever buys is elbow macaroni. I think he’s doing a craft project. As for Luke Voit, he has some power — he hit a bomb to deep center last night — but I don’t see him playing more than occasionally. Reminds me a bit of the Cardinals’ version of Matt Adams. Ya know, before he was great.
Luke Weaver – 1 IP, 0 ER, as he was recalled to work out of the bullpen. Bit of an interesting call-up if he were in the rotation, but in the bullpen leaves me wonting like a Southern belle whose beauty is fading but is taking classes with the University of Phoenix to broaden her horizons.
Jeff Locke – 2 2/3 IP, 11 ER. The 4th of July equivalent to, “Yes, you lost your thumb, but think about the GIFs we can make of this.”
Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.73. I love Nola, but it gets better! His next start is vs. the Padres, so, even in leagues where I stream like crazy, I’m holding Nola for one more. Stream-o-Nator approves, of course.
Maikel Franco – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .222. I’m holding out hope for Maikel. See, because Maikel and I are in a ship. Not as in a relationship, but as in we’re going down with the ship.
Freddy Galvis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. This made me think of everyone’s favorite reason for not drafting Galvis in deep leagues and why I own him: J.P. Crawford. I just looked at Crawford’s stats for this year and I burped.
Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.24. His last start before the break is in Wrigley and I get the feeling I’m going to be dealing with the after effects of swallowing a Double Down, which leads to the shakes, and these don’t bring the boys to the yard.
Miguel Montero – Traded to the Blue Jays for cash. The deal had been in the works for a few days while Toronto was at a Change/Cambio at the airport exchanging the cash, and they were stuck beyond someone with four million pesos in singles.
Aaron Sanchez – Will return this weekend from his three-month blister. Pro tip: wear mittens when playing with video game joysticks.
Marcus Stroman – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.42. In Yankee Stadium was too tall a task for Stroman. High fiving Judge is also too tall a task. *beep, beep, beep* Breaking news ticker! Stroman has a blister. See you in 2018!
Greg Bird – His foot isn’t healing properly and now surgery is a possibility. This Bird you can actually cage.
Masahiro Tanaka – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.25. Tanaka is like one of those Japanese game shows. Sometimes it’s amazingly awesome, and sometimes there’s a large man in nothing but a towel bowling with a porcupine and all you can do is shrug.
Keone Kela – Hit the DL with shoulder issues. Damn, he might have Mat Gamelitis, a rare disease that knocks a player out as soon as they get an opportunity to shine. It’s also called gout. Lining up for saves now in Texas is Leclerc, Grilli and Claudio. Fo’realies, I think Bush just might get the next save and struggle through the next six weeks as the closer until the Rangers trade for someone. By the by, someone yesterday said Ernesto Frieri, Guy’s brother, could be the closer, but he gave up two earned runs yesterday, and I don’t see that happening.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-5 and his 17th homer, hitting .193. Now has three straight games with homers (and nothing else). You can wait until he cools off, but I’m not even sure he’s that hot now, so you better get in and out, animal style.
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-5 and his 11th homer. Five over-the-internet dollars says he’s hurt within two games.
Rougned Odor – 1-for-5 and his 15th homer, hitting .213. It’s exactly the halfway point, so Odor’s on pace for 30 homers and 18 steals. Sorry, guys and five girls, I can’t account for bad luck with his average, and Odor is top 30 on our Rest of the Season Player Rater. Yes, we have a Player Rater that tells you what to expect going forward. It’s the Ms. Cleo of fantasy baseball tools.
Eduardo Rodriguez – Won’t return to the rotation before the ASB. When will he return after the break? The Sox said, “With Ed-Rod, we’ll Sea Org.”
Rick Porcello – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.01. He’s still got Murray Chass’ Cy Young vote!
Adalberto Mejia – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.32. Not much here for fantasy, but I will say his name trips me up, but I kinda think I’m not the first person that has happened to. I imagine when his parents were naming him, they changed their mind mid-name. “We’re gonna name him, Ad…Alberto. Wait, can we change the birth certificate? We screwed up the first part. No? Damn.”
Max Kepler – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. I think the sexy guy I thought Kepler would be has flew the coup, but he does have three multiple hit games in the last four, so schmotato here.
Luis Valbuena – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. I know, I say this all the time with Valbuena, but he is the type to follow one home run with two more this week, and then cold as rocks. Bartender slang rocks, not regular rocks.
Andrew Moore – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.60. This is a display of exactly what he could be and is likely at his best. Since he has solid command, he can go deep into games, but he doesn’t have many Ks, and could bore you to death.
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-3 and his 23rd homer, hitting .271. Moistasskiss!
Carlos Rodon – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.59. Impressive start in his 2nd one back. He had three walks in barely six-plus innings, and I think that could be a sore spot for him still, but hard to argue with the results. Plus who argues with results, you madman? You need your meds?
Steven Matz – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.12 vs. Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.28. This was a matchup billed as, “Peripherals are like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get, but you can eat one chocolate in the raspberry creme slot and one chocolate in the chocolate mint slot and end up getting two caramel chocolates due to a fielder’s choice.” Granted, not a ton of people call it this. Matz’s peripherals are like hot garbage under Al Gore’s ass and Strasburg’s peripherals are straight gorge, i.e., sell Matz and buy Strasburg. However, Strasburg has had injury issues in the 2nd half of years past. Ugh, so many hedges, so little time!
Michael Taylor – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. I’ve been telling you on the daily to pick him up. Don’t make me go back there!
Matt Albers – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and the blown save. Sammy Solis (2/3 IP, 1 ER) started the ninth, and he gave no solace, so Dusty went to Albers, who seems like the ultimate Cuddle Boy. Uber cuddly. Cuberly. I bet the Nats trade for a closer during the ASB. I’m not betting much though, because I kinda like to see Dusty’s bullpen mechanisms when he has no one. “I only trust you, Toothpick.” That’s Dusty in one of his more tender moments.
Wade Miley – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.20. Miley Sigh-bust.
Manny Pina – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .295, and he has two homers in his last four games. Unfortch, the Brewers are using a pretty hard 50/50 split on playing time with Pina and Vogt. Well, I Vogt for Pina! *high fives self* Ow, arthritis!
Orlando Arcia – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .295. Granted, I’ve told you about six days in a row to grab him, but, in case you just woke from an eight-second coma and missed the first part of this blurb, he’s hitting .295 on the year!
Travis Shaw – Left early after being hit on the hand. Early word is he’s fine, but knowing 2017 he’ll have a broken bone in his leg that they’ll just discover as they inspect his hand.
Brent Suter – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Made me giggle that the first suggestion in Google — a Gigle? — is “Brent Suter father Bruce?” Yeah, his father is Bruce Suter, not the Hall of Fame pitcher, Bruce Sutter, but Bruce Suter, the micromanager at a Topeka-area Applebee’s. As for Brent, his fastball is 85 MPH. Hello, and goodbye. Not even eye contact.