Yesterday, Paul Goldschmidt went 3-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs with his 32nd and 33rd homer. Au Shizz twizz! Paul Goldschmidt leads the NL in batting average; Goldy leads the NL in RBIs; Au Shizz is two behind the NL league leader in homers (The Schwammer). That’s right, Goldy could be the first NL Triple Crown winner since Ducky Medwick in 1937. Since Ducky Medwick won that Triple Crown, MLB has changed the baseballs five times in the last six years; Rob Manfred has invented something called ghost runners, and they’re not wearing full-body sheets; there were 7-inning doubleheaders that everyone hated except Rob Manfred, and Cheez Whiz was invented. That’s all the major things since 1937. That’s all of them. Don’t try to do a google for more. *rips Google out of hands* I said no more googling! Usually by mid-August, I make these ledes slightly geared towards 2023 fantasy, but I don’t know what there’s to say on Paul Goldschmidt other than he was incredible in the 1st half (.330/.414/.590), and he’s actually gotten better in the 2nd half (.350/.425/.728). If you thought Au Shizz was Old Shizz, you misread the shizzuatation. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nolan Arenado – Away from the club for the birth of his first child. This truly is a momentous occasion in one’s life, which is why he is choosing to document it with these Polaroids that he’s letting air dry over by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!

Corey Dickerson – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and is, like, 11 for his last 13 or something equally crazy. Haven’t seen anyone this hot since the last time Corey Dickerson was this hot while emulating Ty Wigginton. Dickerson will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because:  of course.

Dakota Hudson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.23. Cards jumped out to a quick early lead and Hudson floated out to a W on a raft ticketed for the Ivictory Coast.

Marcus Stroman – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.10. Boy oh boy, he sucks. Streamonator was negative on this start, but I had to push my luck. Stupid luck pusher!

Mitch Haniger – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 3rd homer in four games. I can’t read the shirt, because that Mitch hasn’t fallen off!

Ty France – Left the game with a calf bruise, after colliding with–Well, Jose Ramirez collided with him, but they both stayed in the game–Okay, technically, but then France left after the inning. Just like a France, waving the white flag.

Marco Gonzales – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.97. Streamonator loved Marco’s start yesterday, and didn’t like Stroman’s, so, of course, I went with Stroman because I am muy stupido.

Triston McKenzie – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.17. He didn’t have his best stuff early on, velocity was way down in the 1st inning, but then it started to come back later on, but his team couldn’t pick him up, which is very odd, to be honest.

Ryan Pressly – Hit the IL with a stiff neck. Damn, must’ve got a Viagra stuck in his throat. Get better soon! Rafael Montero (1 IP, 0 ER, and the save, ERA at 2.56) will be the temporarily fill-in.

Trey Mancini – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. “I’d love to get Chas McCormick out of the lineup, but he keeps hitting homers–What did you say? That was Mancini? Who put him in the lineup?” That’s Dusty Baker finding out in real-time in the press conference Mancini snuck himself into the lineup.

Jorge Polanco – 1-for-3 and his 16th homer. “Hey, I don’t want to just leave the body on this trail, but carrying him down the mountain seems like a real schlep–Hold up! Polanco moved! He’s alive!”

Bryce Harper – Will be activated today. In related news, Wander Franco was seen Wander’ing near a stadium, but not playing in one.

Zack Wheeler – Hit the IL with forearm tendinitis. Bro…I mean…Bro…C’mon. What is going on here? Is he really hurt or getting shut down for a little while for s’s and g’s and I’m not even buying this 2nd option. It’s not good, is it? Ugh. I guess when you thought you were screwed in March, when he had a shoulder injury, you got lucky to get five months out of him.

Aaron Nola – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.08. Not to put the cart before the horse, but if he ends the year with a sub-3.00 ERA, then, well, shrugs. He did what you asked of him.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4 and his 35th homer. He must’ve felt the hot syrup of breath humidity on his neck from Goldy, because The Schwammer went into the game one homer in front, but gave himself a little distance.

Justin Dunn – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5/12. Was impressed with what I saw from him. Gettin’, er, Dunn on my teams like I’m Larry the Cable Guy? No way, Justin Watchin’ for now.

Kyle Stowers – 1-for-4, and his 1st major league homer. He is almost 25 and called up for the first time? What kind of baggage does Stowers have? I’d ask for a high-five, but I know you’re stingy with them. In Triple-A, he went 19/3/.264 with a 25.6% striekout rate, which will balloon to 30+ in the majors, and have him hitting .200, if. By the way, “.200, if” is my new favorite thing I’ve ever written. I want that on a t-shirt. Rotowear, art thou? Any hoo! I’m not picking up a platoon outfielder who might hit .200, if.

Jordan Lyles – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.45. Saw someone mention how Lyles was the favorite over Lynn and the White Sox, per Vegas, and how that would’ve been crazy in March. Yeah, true. Also, it kinda made sense yesterday because we’re not in March and Lynn’s been so bad.

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.00. Our Big Beefy Boy kept the meatballs for himself, finally. Feels a lot like a trap though, right? Streamonator loves his next start at home vs. the Royals, and I can understand it, but, yeah, a big ol’ bear trap for our Big Beefy Boy lovers.

Andrew Vaughn – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer, and just missed a 2nd homer. Vaughn’s gonna be an interesting one to look at this offseason, because I do think there’s more power in the bat, but where is it at, yo?

Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.15.  Finally was able to lower that ghastly ERA.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer. Albombso!

Ryan McMahon – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, as he hit leadoff. Bud Black prolly thought he was batting McMahon 4th or 5th, but, when Bud picked up the lineup card, the other names above McMahon stayed on the desk.

Nestor Cortes – Hit the IL with a small groin…giggling for ten minutes….injury. Sorry, that’s not funny. My guess is this IL stint is meant to keep his innings down so he might be worth something to the Yanks in the playoffs. Lucky they still have Jordan Montgomery–Oops!

Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.89. From a Yankees’ pitcher who’s ailin’ to Taillon! Wow, put that one on a T.

Shea Langeliers – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .294. One, two, three, drink! My catcher spot is swinging with the Langeliers.

Christian Arroyo – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 4th and 5th steal. He’s been a dazzlemotato for an UD minute, and will absolutely be in this afternoon’s Buy.

Danny Jansen – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Frequent commenter, turd ferguson, was mentioning yesterday in our xBA talk about Jansen’s Statcast. Looking at it now, Jansen has a 7.1% LD%, 57.6% FB rate, and pulls everything. His .181 BABIP is kinda funny. I think if he were to bat with only a third baseman and left fielder, he’d still hit only .220.

Drew Rasmussen – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.77. Coolwhip just gave you his Drew Rasmussen fantasy yesterday. Well, worth your time! Unless, you have better things to do. What’s up with that? Come to Razzball when you have nothing but time! You hear me?

Isaac Paredes – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s here right now, and a hot schmotato.

Patrick Sandoval – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.05, but 4 more unearned runs. Holy box scare, Batman! Not as in Sandoval, Patrick Batman. That’s Bateman.

Taylor Ward – 2-for-4 and his 17th homer. Hey, let me ask you something, is it April again?

Matt Thaiss – 0-for-1, as he caught for the 2nd time in the majors, and they expect him to get more ABs this weekend, because he hits better than Suzuki, and they want to give Thaiss a chance, as they don John Lennon hippie sunglasses.

Jared Walsh – Hit the IL with Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, and is done for the year. A tale as old as time, Walsh didn’t read the terms of service, and he got TOS. This might explain why he’s absolutely sucked. All year Jared Walsh has been hosting America’s Least Wanted.