Noah Syndergaard steps into a giant metal milk can and submerges himself. At first, bubbles come up, then nothing. Only Houdini has ever been able to escape this, and even then Tony Curtis struggled to keep his life in order afterwards. The beautiful-despite-her-pantyhose girl locks him in. Everyone watches, and Noah just sits there, locked in. The audience shifts, then realizes this is what they want. They want Noah to stay this locked in. This locked in leads to Cy Young awards. This locked in carries teams to championships. One man stands in the audience and screams, “Grow gills and stayed locked in!” The crowd erupts. Harvey’s looked just okay, that other Mets pitcher put out the welcome Matz to opposing hitters and deGrom is battling an injury. Syndergaard? Oh, he’s so locked in. Yesterday, he went 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks and looked like he could’ve beat the 1927 Blue Jays in Coors Field. If you own him, ‘gaard your grill and knuckle up if anyone tries to trade you for him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Zack Wheeler – Had a procedure to remove an undissolved stitch that shouldn’t alter his recovery time too much. Stiches ain’t shizz, but undissolved shizz!
Jacob deGrom – Could land on the DL with a tight lat. Sure glad he was the one ace I grabbed in any leagues. Sure, am glad. *bites off cuticles, sticks hands in vat of salt*
Mike Dunn – Experienced a setback when, as Mattingly said, “he felt it grab.” If the “it” is anything but his hand, I understand why there might be an issue.
Jose Fernandez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.06. Jo-Fer, however, didn’t look locked in. He looked iffy as all get-out. I don’t think anyone’s that dopey, but this might be a buy low opportunity.
James McCann – Hit the DL and was seen around the clubhouse in a boot. Apparently, his foot didn’t pay its parking tickets.
Justin Upton – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Is it already time for his month of explosive offense? Well, that means May is gonna be ugly.
Anibal Sanchez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Anibal needed this victory after losing her court battle to use a Georgian woman’s restroom.
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .370. Look at Kinsler hitting long balls like an 80-year-old strumpet.
J.D. Martinez – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting .440. Gonna be a glorious time to own Just Dong if he’s hitting this well in the cold weather.
Juan Nicasio – 3 IP, 4 ER at Detroit. After the game, Nicasio went in to see his pitching coach extraordinaire, Ray Searage, and Ray said, “Interleague was a construct of a white devil that wore a toupee. No, Trump’s hair is real. I mean, Bud Selig.”
Francisco Liriano – Won’t start today due to hamstring discomfort. Instead the Pirates will be singing to the Tigers, “We know it’s not much, but it’s the best we can do. Our gift to you is Vogelsong. And this game’s for you.”
Starling Marte – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. It’s a Marte party!
Adam Jones – Didn’t start again. For all of you Jones owners, I’d be hoping for him to return soon, because now a backdated DL stint is off the table too. Or on the table with a coaster.
Mark Trumbo – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. Boing, Trumboner!
J.J. Hardy – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homers. Hmm, I might’ve played the boing card too early. Honestly, seriously, awkwardly sentence intro-ly, Hardy hasn’t been hot in about three years. You can cyclops him, but I’d want to see more before picking him up, though two homers in a game usually does go a far way to saying a guy is seeing the ball well.
Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 5 ER. He’s now given up five earned runs in back-to-back games. After I’ve started him the last two times, I better not hear something like he’s been pitching with a dead arm. Don’t give me the dead arm excuse, Butthurtz! Lather your arm up with some suntan lotion and start throwing your Coppertone’d cutter! Of course, I only own him in a league where there’s no waivers and I can’t drop him. In all other leagues, I’d challenge myself to look elsewhere.
David Ortiz – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Now he’s just padding his every-Red-Sox-fan-insists-Ortiz-is-a-first-ballot-Hall-of-Famer resume.
Darin Ruf – Out with a sore shoulder. Ruf, heal, good boy.
Robbie Erlin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Charlie Morton – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. “Dad, thanks so much for taking me to see the Philly game. This will be something I remember from now until the day I’m pretending to take you to Foxwoods and instead dropping you off at the old age home.” *watches Erlin vs. Morton and the Phils and Padres offenses for six innings* “Dad, I prefer football.”
Josh Phegley – 0-for-4 as he batted 2nd for the A’s. ‘Gosh Phlegmy’ would seem to fit more appropriately with Semien and Reddick.
Billy Burns – 2-for-3, 2 runs and two steals (2, 3). Burns got himself in the lineup when he showed up at the park rocking a Rachel Dolezal afro, calling himself Loco Crisp.
Marcus Semien – 2-for-3 and his 2nd and 3rd homers. A double shot of Semien, one for each of your eyes!
Kendall Graveman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. Graveman beating the Angels sounds like a Marvel comic. Treat those demons just like Pam, but, damn, Gina.
Sean Doolittle – 1 IP, 2 ER and his 1st blown save as he gave up the game-winning homer to Geovany Soto. Nothing says uh-oh like giving up a homer to Geovany Soto. Madson also looked poor (1 IP, 2 ER), so John Axford would be the guy I’d look at you, save vultures, though I don’t think Doolittle’s done unless he’s hurt.
Jeff Samardzija – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks in Coors. Sonavabench!
Buster Posey – Sat out yesterday in Coors as his fill-in, Trevor Brown hit 2 HRs. The owner of Posey, seeing Brown’s big day suddenly became Stan Gable, “That’s my Pi!”
Hunter Pence – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. The Gangly Manbird must feel right at home a mile high, thankfully he didn’t make a giant nest in the batter’s box with saliva and broken bats.
Angel Pagan – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .379 as he bats 7th. Hard to say hot schmotato when a guy is in Coors, but he was hitting well coming into this series and Span and Panik don’t look right at the top of the order. Wouldn’t be surprised if Pagan moves up if he keeps hitting.
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Surprised more catchers don’t call for the pitch, then quickly tap Beltre’s head.
Derek Holland – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.31. Holland left the M’s swinging like a bunch of windmills. He gets the O’s next and that’s a much more well-rounded (lettered) team.
Kris Medlen – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Mike Fiers – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. This was a battle of “Do I really want to own either of these guys? And, if I do own them, can I really start them?”
Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. Damn, was Ray Searage a guest judge yesterday in Washington? “Sanjaya Chacin, let me hear that again while you hold the cutter a little tighter.” That’s Ray Searage judging. If you streamed Yo-leash, I’d let him go. Gio, on the other hand, has a solid next start, according to the Stream-o-Nator, and I’d give him a whirl.
Adonis Garcia – 2-for-4, hitting .348. Hot schmotato alert!
Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA down to 3.46. Of course, that’s a small sample size — that’s what she said! — but that’s the ERA I’d expect from him at the end of the year. Plus/minus .03. How’s that for pinpoint accuracy? Like a (fantasy) baller!
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Au shizz!
Jake Lamb – 2-for-3, hitting .320. All he does is hit! And baah.
Nick Ahmed – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. He was in last week’s Buy. You know, way back last Friday. That would be irrelevant now that people have a full four days of at-bats since then. You know, 12 at-bats makes all the difference.
Scott Van Slyke – Hit the DL with lower back irritation. He said the pain was coming from right above his tramp stamp.
Howie Kendrick – 1-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Howie like me now!” then kicked Bill from Accounting in the testicles.
Yasmani Grandal – 0-for-1, 1 RBI as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Roshambo! Who’s up next?!” then Kevin gingerly placed his foot on the fallen Bill’s chest.
Kenta Maeda – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. I’ll tell ya what, Cousin Lurchbreath, I’m still not sure if I trust Maeda or if this will be a case of another Asian pitcher fresh off the bloat, but he’s looking good so far. Diamondbacks had no chance for the first six innings.
Corey Kluber – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.85. I think I finally understand why everyone that owned Kluber last year didn’t want him this year. A home run to Logan Forsythe?! Really, Kluber? Don’t throw frustrating Quality Starts, you schmohawk!
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .368. I might’ve answered too many team-related questions because the first thing I think of saying with Lindor is Adam Lind or who? Who else are you asking about?
Evan Longoria – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Since I own him, I’d totally take the never-gets-hot-but-hits-25-homers-type season. Who am I kidding, I’d take 22 homers.
Matt Moore – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (1 BB), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.00. I might’ve been too dismissive of him this preseason. When I look at his walk rate and velocity uptick, it’s a solid sign that Moore might finally be back to that pitcher that had a 3.29 ERA in 2013 in 150 1/3 IP. Maybe even better if he has wrangled his control. He’s still only 26 years old, and I’m buying in mixed leagues.
Alex Cobb – Threw off the mound for first time since Tommy John surgery. He made 20 throws and said it was a “pretty big day.” Sounds a bit like my Saturday when I make 20 throws to Ted and then watch TV. Never considered that a big day before, but will now.
Aaron Sanchez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.38. At the eleventh hour, I started Sanchez yesterday vs. the Yankees, then I decided to torture myself by watching the game. The entire game felt like he was one pitch away from this going sideways — and I wasn’t drinking no effin’ Merlot! He tried to pickoff Brian McCann (who hit his 2nd homer and left with a bruised foot) not because McCann is any threat to steal a base, but it looked like Sanchez was scared to pitch. His xFIP for the game doesn’t even tell the whole story. It was two hours of touch ‘n go as Jeffrey Jones liked to play. Looking at the glass is half full? Sanchez showed more mettle than Johnny Five.
Masahiro Tanaka – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Since I watched this game, I also watched more of Tanaka than I had seen in a while. From inning to inning, he varied anywhere from excellent to awful. His grip on pitching is very tendonuous.
