I’m not going to say the Reds lineup is bad. I won’t mention how Jose Iglesias is the only everyday hitter with an average above .224. I won’t mention how their three-hole hitter is Derek Dietrich, a hitter who couldn’t even start for the Marlins. I won’t say how Yaisel Puig is hitting .178. Or Eugenio Suarez is hitting .224. Or how Joey Votto didn’t even start, because he sucks too. I won’t mention how Jose Peraza and his .200 average hit fifth yesterday like he’s a power hitter. Nah, why mention any of that? This is about Noah Syndergaard (9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, and he pitchslapped Del Taco’s T. Mahle) and how he’s back, supposedly. It’s just the third shutout in the majors this year with Mike Minor and German Marquez, and we all know Mike Minor’s an ace, so that’s great company. Let’s just say Noah Syndergaard’s 5.02 ERA is better today than yesterday, but am I predicting he’s fully back to the top 10 pitcher everyone was drafting him as? Yeah, uh, no. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Nick Senzel – Sounds like the Reds might have one good hitter in their lineup as of tonight. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but you don’t need to wait for that. I mean, you should. But you don’t have to. I don’t know why you wouldn’t…But you don’t have to.
Mike Foltynewicz – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER (4 unearned runs), ERA at 5.06. This reminds me of owning Samardzija last year for three putrid months only to find out he was injured the whole time. Yo, Braves, do the courageous thing –“You want us to pay players their actual worth?” — No, not that, IL Faultyswitchitz, he’s obviously junk.
Ian Kinsler – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .174. Kinsler celebrated this home run by reading the newspaper at a breakfast table, then lowered the paper briefly to nod.
Wil Myers – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .248. You ever feel out of sorts with Saberhagenmetricians? I do with Myers. I swear to God, for, like, five years now, when I’m in on him, he’s garbage and when I don’t have him, he’s good.
Franmil Reyes – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .242. You know this $54 vending machine steak is gonna be in this afternoon’s Buy column. I mean, you just know he is.
Johan Camargo – 2-for-4. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I’m cyclops’ing him very closely to see if Josh Donaldson hits the IL for four months with a calf problem vs. just being day-to-day for that long.
Matt Strahm – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.03. I went super-cold on Strahm after he opened the season poorly, but he’s now rattled off five straight solid starts. He also keeps talking about the good starts, so he’s prattled on for five straight starts too. I’d look at the Streamonator for him, just for a 2nd set of robot eyes, but it’s hard to argue with owning him in all leagues.
Dallas Keuchel – Yankees said they would be open to signing Keuchel after the June amateur draft. Then, of course, three weeks later, they will designate him for assignment and pay 95% of his salary while receiving nothing in return.
Tyler Skaggs – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.12. Skaggs always had solid peripherals in years past, but now they’re kinda bleh. Looking at him more as a Streamonator call for shallower mixed leagues, until he can get his Ks (8.3 K/9) up a little, or walks down (2.8 BB/9).
Brad Peacock – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.28. More like Pisscaca. Sure am glad I didn’t go to $100+ FAAB dollars to get Peacock in one of my leagues. Brad Urinalcake has to do better than that or he’s going to find himself back in middle relief. Stash Josh James, if you need the reinforcements.
Carlos Rodon – Hit the 10-day IL with an elbow issue and when GM Rick Hahn was asked if it would require Tommy John surgery, Hahn said, “Everything is on the table.” Sounds like he could use Marie Kondo. If everything’s on the table, this doesn’t sound good at all. When I take something apart and put all the pieces on the table, I inevitably forget to put a piece back on or put it on backwards. “Where’d the humerus bone go? Hmm…He might have to start his windup facing 2nd base.” If/when Rodon gets Tommy John, what a bummer…Nah, he’s healthy.
Andrew Benintendi – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .273. Not doing terribly. Dot dot dot. If this were 2014. C’mon, Benintendi, the balls are flying so much Tommy La Stella’s in like a Home Run Derby!
James McCann – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and his 3rd homer, hitting .365. McCann’s the best 2nd catcher in baseball, and fantasy baseball.
Trea Turner – Will start swinging a bat this week. *places handkerchief to head, faints into Giancarlo’s Fat Head wall mount* Oh, Giancarlo, I think I’ve received good news and I don’t know what to do with myself.
Stephen Strasburg – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.45. His ERA on an upside-down calculator is SHE, that’s very woke of him. Strasburg passed the 1,500 strikeout mark, or C Sabathia.
Dakota Hudson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.80. Dakota’s not good. Though, I hear the Native American liquor store by Mt. Rushmore carries interesting clove cigarettes. Dakota, the pitcher, is not good either. Not sure how he escaped this game unscathed–Oh, I know, the Nats looked awful. Howie like me now? Not so much. Without Trea, Rendon and Soto, the Nats are rolling with half a die and the roller ain’t making a pass.
Danny Duffy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.27 vs. Charlie Morton – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.52. If you were to add their two ERAs together, they’d be 5.79. Corey Kluber’s ERA is 5.80. Take a lap around your house to clear your head. It’ll get better! Seriously, weeping into the toilet bowl is not going to fix your problems. Stand up and wipe the snot off your face! Right now! *watches as you fall like a sack of potatoes into your tub* Okay, I’ll let you cry for a little. So, Morton’s good, and Duffy’s a Streamonator call, which is saying stay away for his next start.
Brandon Lowe – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. We should start a league where you just draft one name and get all the players that share that name. Are you drafting one Scherzer or two Germans? Three Cabreras or two Reynoldses? Four Lopezes or one Paddack? A dozen Miguels or 23 Joses? “You can’t draft Miguels? I took all the Cabreras already!” Fun, right?
Freddy Peralta – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 8.31 as he returned from the IL. Usually guys outgrow roofie’ing owners as they get older, but Peralta is a a perennial roofie — the proofie, its leaves smell like crap and they fall every spring. Yo, Peralta, fix your limbs, especially those arm ones! Any hoo! It’s hard to recommend F.P. Saintvelo in any league. Of course, in deeper ones, I still would own him, but I wouldn’t be starting him until he showed something.
Ryan Braun – 2-for4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .206. Loving his new home run trot. He mimes sticking a needle in his butt, then makes the exploding hands motions. Looks kinda like he’s miming a fart, but I get it.
Jon Gray – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.22. Rockies built up a huge early lead, and all Gray had to do was sail out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W, yet the waves were steep and he nearly lost his ship.
David Dahl – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Please get hot, you sumsabeach! Please!
Raimel Tapia – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, just as he was in last Friday’s and prolly will be in next Friday’s. TGIF: Tapia Good In Friday posts. Obviously.
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .297. This letter from my great-grandfather he sent from the front lines of the Spanish-American War is my proud heritage on display, which is why I will read it, after haphazardly leaving it by the window while I go grab a La Croix–NOOOO!!! Torenado!
Skye Bolt – Called up by the A’s to play some in left field. I clicked on Skye Bolt’s name to see what else has been written about him on Razzball through the years, but instead of going to his player page, I felt an electrical charge through my body and, suddenly, without warning I became Skye Bolt, mutant who rejects peaceful coexistence with humans even though I was a human one mouse click ago. Skye Bolt, played by Michael Fassbender, though they used my bottom half as a stunt double, has speed and power, according to the Prospectonator, but can’t hit for average, BECAUSE AVERAGE IS FOR HUMANS *off looks* Hey, it’s cool, it’s not like that. I have a ton of human friends.