Troy Tulowitzki is hitting .408.  I’m not even joking.  Member those days when you’d open up the paper and look at the league leaders?  You’d then rub your face with your ink-stained fingers and you’d look like Bucky Dent with the eye black, then you’d overdo it and you’d look like Al Jolson and you’d get your family in a race war with your neighbors.  Do you even know league leaders now without the newspaper?  I don’t.  I mean, I know guys that are doing well, but actual league leaders?  It is irrelevant to a certain extent.  If a guy is tied for 2nd most wins in the AL (Martin Perez) and he goes out and gets bombed yesterday (5 IP, 5 ER), does it matter?  I guess it does matter with Tulo since he’s hitting four hundred and eight preceded by a decimal.  That’s kinda beautiful.  I own him for the first time in my life, and, due to that, he’s going to stay healthy all year.  What, it’s putting it out in the universe.  Yeah, unlikely, but hot dizzamn he’s good when going well.  Yesterday, he hit two homers and in the last week he’s hitting over .600.  As lyrics say in the lone single to go platinum off my Rod Stewart/MC Hammer mash-up album, “Stay forever young, Tulo legit, to quit.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer as he extends his hitting streak to 25 games.  That’s almost halfway to Mr. Coffee, Joe DiMaggio.  We’ll say Arenado’s a shot of espresso, which is what he’s been to my teams while Prince Fielder’s been a double shot of ZzzzQuil.  Someone put a mirror under Fielder’s nose.  You’re in Coors, big man, look alive!

Drew Stubbs – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI as he hit 2nd in front of Tulo.  Meanwhile, Corey Dickerson licked out a tin of whipped cream and saw the lineup card and said, “Hey, that’s my pie!”

Jordan Lyles – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Rangers in Coors.  Impressive.  What’s also impressive is how he’s doing it with an under 5 K-rate.

Abraham Almonte – Demoted to the minors because the Mariners stopped fielding players based on alphabetical order.  James Jones took his place on the roster, but this should mean Michael Saunders (2-for-5, 1 run) is a starter now, or until the M’s face a shizzton of lefties.

Brad Miller – 1-for-3, 1 RBI and 2 steals.  Hey, the smelling salts worked!

Yasiel Puig – Sat out yesterday after crashing into a wall on Sunday.  Another reason we should consider walls made of Doritos.  Who doesn’t want a wall of Doritos?  Seriously, is there anyone?

Hyun-Jin Ryu – Cleared to resume throwing and is prolly two weeks away.  That’s a fortnight if you’re scheduling a wedding in King’s Landing.

Nate Eovaldi – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I love, love, love, even lurve Eovaldi.  I’m just gonna start calling him Lovaldi.  Nate, I call him Nate, we’re gonna get a jacuzzi and a basket of strawberries and repeatedly invite Giancarlo to join us and he’s gonna say, “No, I’m cool, I’ll see you later in the steam room.”  It’s gonna be hot!  Oh, and I also went over Eovaldi on our first Razzball radio show.

Jon Niese – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Marlins.  Jon Niese is just in the Marlins’ heads!  And it’s easier for Niese to do that since he’s three inches closer to them from his upper lip to his brows.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 0 IP, 2 ER.  Gotta love when the leash on your junky closer (Farnsy) gets longer at the expense of other junkier options.

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer.  Too bad that comes after you probably dropped him during a Curtis-y flush.  If he’s out on waivers, I could see giving him a whirl since he shouldn’t be this dreadful.

Daniel Murphy – 1-for-4 and his first homer.  1-for-4 with a homer typifies Murphy.  Even when he does something good he undercuts it with the yawns.

Jeff Samardzija – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 1.62.  Damnzija!

Chris Sale – Threw a light bullpen session and it went well.  He’s now two weeks from a rehab stint.  If you’ll allow me to read between the lines:  when a light bullpen session goes well after a guy could’ve returned already from the DL and there’s no timetable to return for another two weeks, it’s not good.

Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Quintana always fascinates me (and no one else).  He has a solid K-rate for two years and a more than manageable walk rate and his xFIP is 3.48.  He won’t excite anyone but he can be a worthwhile streamer, and even someone to hold for a few starts.  Stream-o-Nator is a little meh on his next start but he gets the Astros after that.

Matt Lindstrom – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 5th save with a 3.00 ERA.  I have him on my team for 1 win, 4 saves and a 2.25 ERA.  Oh, and I got him after Rudy dropped him.  Oopsie!

Yusmeiro Petit – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  How bad of a stream can one man be?  Not big, but Petit.

Jeff Locke – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER as he was promoted to do a temp fill-in for Wandy.  If knowledge is the key, then you know to stay away from the Locke.

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-7, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer.  Pe-Al is one part aluminum, one part phosphorus, one part excitement, two parts ‘can’t hit for average,’ and it’s about to explode.

Starling Marte – 2-for-5, 1 run and two steals.  He’s now hitting .260 with 11 steals.  He’s bad?  Fo’really?  I’m asking.  You really care he strikes out a lot.  Reggie Jackson used to strike out a lot too, and he also had sex with your mom and is your father.

Josh Harrison – 2-for-3, 1 run, steal and is making a decent platoon with Tabata (1-for-3, 1 run).  Doesn’t make any logical sense for the Pirates to promote Polanco for over a month, and maybe even wait longer than that.  Harrison and Tabata are not the reason the Pirates are bad and Polanco can’t pitch.

Hector Sanchez – 4-for-7, 1 run, 3 RBIs.  Hector is 10,000 square meters from worth your time.

Hunter Pence – 3-for-6, 4 runs.  A team is a group of men, let’s call them a gang.  Hunter Pence personifies this because he is gangly.

Angel Pagan – 3-for-7, 1 run and his 6th steal.  But he was supposed to be nursing a sore knee!  I dropped him when he looked headed to the DL and JayWrong stole him from me.  That’s especially Wrong.

Yan Gomes – 0-for-3 as he was activated from paternity leave after his wife gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Yoey.

Zach McAllister – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. TwinsTwins had a solid first month on offense, but they’re always one game from being a team that is relying on a Plouffe, Colabello and Fuld.  And th-th-that’s all, folks!  McAllister gets the Rays next and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like it at all and could see it going either way, which is to say it’s risky.

John Axford – 2/3 IP, 1 ER.  Obviously, he’s hot garbage with a portable heater on high sitting 2 feet from him, but he’s not out of the job yet.  Obviously, Part II:  More Obvious, Cody Allen should be owned.

Kyle Gibson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K.  He can’t even open a chapter of the Klu Klux Klan in Alabama with only one K.  Get out of here!

Sam Fuld – 2-for-4 and his 4th steal as he hit 2nd.  I actually like him in the two hole (no homo).  Mauer goes in the three hole and Plouffe goes to four and Colabello goes back to wherever people who are bad at baseball go.  Whether Gardy will see it my way is out of my control.  I can only phone him so much!  If Fuld does stick there, he could be a sneaky SAGNOF option.  Yes, this was 270 more words than you’ve ever wanted to read about Fuld.

Jarred Cosart – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  If you pick up Jarred, you will be left scarred.

Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. Asstros.  Member the days when I used to badger you to pick up Scherzer and you’d resist?  Like when he was on the Diamondbacks.  Right around the same time I was touting Julio Borbon.  Ah, yes, the good ol’ days.

Victor Martinez – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer.  I wonder if he ever gets phone calls for the actor, A Martinez.  You think the actor would’ve just changed his name to The Martinez.

Scott Hairston – The Nats activated him so he could get DL’d again this week.

Wilson Ramos – Played in a rehab game yesterday and hopes to return on Friday.  I wonder about a lot of things.  Sometimes very, very deeply.  For instance, I wonder if I should be modifying with very, very.  Another thing I wonder about is if I want to jinx Wilson Ramos again or Devin Mesoraco.  I’ll take a nap and the Sleeper Bees will tell me what to do.

Anthony Rendon – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer while Danny Espinosa hit his 4th homer.  I knew two Nats infielders would be great this year, unfortch, I thought it would be Zimmerman and Desmond.

Casey Janssen – Will begin a minor league assignment this week and will probably be closing games for the Jays by mid-month, unless the Aaron/Brett/Steve (ABS) look better in person than they do on paper.

Brett Lawrie – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring injury.  Damn, who shined a flashlight onto the wall?!

Brett Cecil – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save.  Well, I guess I chose wrong on Delabar…or did I?!  The ellipsis reversal!  You wake in its quake!  Yeah, I don’t know.  Cecil’s a lefty and the Phils are pretty lefty heavy, so it might not be Cecil when the Jays face a righty-heavy team.  Of course, I’d still grab Cecil if he’s available.

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-3, 1 run.  When more than a third of the league sleeps, Rasmus creeps!

Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I actually have more love for Kendrick than the average schmohawk, but he’s more of a sneaky NL-Only option than anyone I’d touch in mixed leagues.  He doesn’t K anyone, but also doesn’t walk anyone.  He’s like a poor man’s Dillon Gee.  I’ll call him Kyle Okay.

J.A. Happ – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks.  Looked decent yesterday, but if you go near him in fantasy then he turns into Just Asskabobs Happ(ens).

Josh Hamilton – Begins taking batting practice this week.  I wonder if he’ll go play mini-putt putt afterwards.  That’s what I’d do!

Jered Weaver – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I’d prefer to clean your gotchies than say anything nice about him, so let’s move on.

Ernesto Frieri – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 3rd save.  I will say The Sciosciapath has allegiances.  Why isn’t exactly clear.  Joe Smith can now return to being the generic name for someone whose name you’ve forgotten.

Shelby Miller – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Pretty mediocre start and this was against the Krazy Braves.  Right now, I’d put that kid that would give up one hit and start crying from my Little League team against the Braves.   And he probably wouldn’t cry once.

Tommy La Stella – Speculation has begun that La Stellllllllllla could take over for Uggla in the landmark case of sooner vs. later.  Incredibly, we already had a Tommy La Stella fantasy post.  Don’t you people sleep?!  There, Dano compared him to Pedroia and not because he needs his tippy toes to get on a roller coaster.  I think that comparison might be a tad bizzonkers.  Or as the gentle fantasy writers of our day would say, “That’s a bit more bullish than I’d say.”  Has any group of people said the word bullish more?  This word feels like it’s dominating all fantasy conversations.  It’s a polite way to say, someone is smoking more crack than another person.  Of course, in a world of small sample sizes, anything could happen, but La Stellllllllllla looks like an NL-Only play with a chance for 5 homers, 7 steals and a decent average if he were called up in June.

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He was the victim of some bad luck and I’m not talking about his looks.  Snap!

Ramiro Pena – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer.  To give you a little idea of what the Braves are thinking about Uggla right now.  He was benched for Pena, and Pena hit ninth after The Harangtuan!  Right now, Uggla’s singing Turn Down For What in the exact same manner I was on today’s Razzball Radio show.

Jean Segura – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and the slam (2) and legs (6) as he moved back to the two hole.  After the game, Segura dropped the mic and walked away.

Carlos Gomez – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer.  He swings so hard he reminds me of Knuckles Nilan.  First hockey reference ever!  Even if you’re not into hockey, you should check out The Last Gladiators on Netflix.  My documentary pick of the week.  Stay tuned for next week when I recommend 16 Acres.  Doh!

Aaron Hill – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs as he hits .274.  Hasn’t done much power and speed-wise thus far, and he’s a tough guy to figure.  Some years he hits for lots of power, other years he steals a lot of bases.  I could see him as a buy low, but with a dozen caveats.  I’m like a landscape architect with some beautiful hedges.

Gerardo Parra – 2-for-4, 2 runs, hitting over .300 in the last week.  Do I smell a hot schmotato?  Maybe that’s my feet.

Kyle Blanks – 0-for-2 as the Padres called him up to play some outfield/1st base and to help them with these chimichangas; they ordered too many and they’re going to waste.

Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer and 2nd in three games.  He started getting really hot last May too.  I know he’s been dreadful, or just Jeddful, but you have to remain patient.

Eric Hosmer – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer.  And here I thought we were going to have to taunt him by calling him, Eric S., dropping the homer.

Lorenzo Cain – 4-for-5.  Cain…Sugar was activated from the DL and I picked him up, dropping Colabello because Colabello didn’t return my calls for any sort of fantasy production.

Yordano Ventura – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  You know how ho-hum indicates boring?  Well, Yordano is the exact opposite, a ho-hummer.