If I had to choose a background song for my Michael Conforto feelings right now, it would be Lucinda Williams’ Those Three Days.
You say there’s always gonna be his swing,
So many DL days filled with screams,
Conforto’s news crawl across my screen,
Shows how he hit an oppo taco that sent him home,
Now he’s beneath my skin.
Underneath my dress, stick their tongues (figuratively),
The first game back a dong, and I am so effin’ alone!
Since those five days.
If I could’ve just waited out his DL trip of five days!
Those five days!
Did you not want me in five days?
Did you not want me in five days?
Did you not love me more than Mitch Haniger?
Just for those five days!
I’m literally standing on my table, crying, singing Lucinda Williams. I’m wrecked. I might need a new hobby. So, Michael Conforto — 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer — came back way quicker than I expected, and I’m feeling major regret that I don’t own him. I still think shoulder injuries are tricky — to rock a rhyme, that’s right on time (callback to title!) — but I wish I had a share of him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Yoenis Cespedes – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Before Conforto, Yoenis was looking like the best hitter on a bad hitting team. We have a term for best pitcher on a bad team, Ace of Basement. We should have a glossary term for best hitter on a bad hitting team. Please suggest in the comments.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Bruce is like, “What do you mean ‘best hitter on bad hitting team?'” To which I respond, new phone, who dis.
Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.54. Jury’s still out on how much his hair mattered. Jeurys hasn’t reached a verdict either.
Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.65. Wearing deGrom’s shorn hair as a merkin isn’t helping Strasburg either, for what it’s worth.
Scott Kingery – 0-for-4, 1 run and his first steal, as he hit third, hitting .222. Love an aggressive manager, but Gabe Kapler is like on a sugar high. Is he gulping down Pixy Stix between innings? “Batting third today is Kingery and cleanup is PURPLE!” “Um, coach, purple is a color, not a player.” “A delicious color! And I want ORANGE HITTING FIFTH!”
Cesar Hernandez – 1-for-2, 1 run and two steals (1, 2), hitting .304. “BLUE! I mean, RUN!”
Nick Pivetta’s not getting a standing ovation, that standing O is for Gabe Kapler leaving Pivetta in for almost 100 pitches
— Razzball (@Razzball) April 5, 2018
Yuli Gurriel – Will begin playing rehab games at Corpus Christi. Fun fact! Billy Joel wrote a song about his divorce with Christie Brinkley called, “Over My Dead Corpus, Christie.”
Mike Zunino – Will not return this weekend, so if you were baking biscuits and timing them with the return of Zunino, dem shizzes are gonna be burnt. Being real with you. Ya got burnt biscuits.
Eddie Rosario – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer. Whew, thank God for short schedule days, so I had Rosario in my lineup. Speaking of short schedule days, was the MLB hitting the liquor cabinet when they made this year’s schedule? Why is there not a full schedule on a Friday? Are they trying to reach a younger demographic who likes to go out on a Friday night and isn’t watching baseball? Did they think it was a leap year and the entire schedule is off a day? I have questions, y’all!
Miguel Sano – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Ugh, if I had a Sano for every round I passed him by in the preseason, I’d have at least 15 Sanos. I blew my Sanos!
Tyler Anderson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks in Petco. I’m pretty sure you can win any fantasy league by only starting underowned guys in Petco. Only ‘pretty sure’ because I’m guessing with no actual math involved.
Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4 as he hit cleanup. Renfroe will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but you don’t need to wait for that if you need pop. If anyone’s reading in Minnesota, Renfroe doesn’t have soda for you.
Joey Lucchesi – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.79. That’s Joey Lucchesi of the Original Ray’s Lucchesis. That’s Joey Lucchesi of the “Leave the gun, take the cannoli” Lucchesis. That’s Joey Lucchesi of the “Does you mom shave her mustache too?” Lucchesis. I own Lucchesi in two deeper leagues, and tried to get him in a third (was outbid). Hey, any time a guy is starting for the Padres, there’s interest in deeper leagues.
Brad Hand – 2/3 IP, 0 ER (3 unearned runs), and his 2nd loss, ERA at 6.75. Let’s hear it for the boy, let’s give Brad a Hand! (Cause he needs it.) I’ve already picked up Kirby Yates everywhere I could. I don’t think Hand’s out — arms inside the moving vehicle! — but sometimes early season struggles from a closer means they’re hiding an injury, so grab Yates just in case.
Manuel Margot – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. I saw he was listed as one of the top dropped guys in ESPN. Guys and five girls! Chillax! You’re dropping players that you should not be dropping.
Tim Anderson – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 4th steal, hitting .304. Now we just need them to move him to the top of the order and our dreams will have been answered! Okay, so we have modest dreams.
Yolmer Sanchez – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .400. Hot schmotato alert!
Matt Davidson – 2-for-3, 4 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .318. White Sox are like, “Yo, no one told us we were supposed to be bad. What do you mean, ‘Did we get our voicemail to be bad?’ I think our pitching took down that message.”
Niko Goodrum – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1) after not even starting the game, and he accounted for all those late-inning theatrics to returning fire against Soria. Surprised to see Goodrum not hitting .151. Goodrum really left Soria feeling Dark ‘n Stormy. I will say this for Soria’s time as a closer, he had a Goodrum. Too bad for the Goodrum and choke.
Miguel Cabrera – Left yesterday’s game with hip tightness. Question: if Miggy and Adam Eaton get in your hot air balloon basket, do you immediately get off? I mean, something has to go wrong, doesn’t it?
Aaron Judge – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Two homers? Hahahahaha. Mark Whiten could do that in three innings, brah!
Masahiro Tanaka – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.92. Member how bad Tanaka looked in early March? Yeah, not sure that matters.
Adam Jones – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .286. Maybe leaving Jones for dead this preseason was not the move, but Jersey Shore’s back! So whatever.
Andrew Cashner – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 4.09. This was such a throwback Cashner-type start I was expecting him to start talking about tax evasion, then scream, “Caaaaaaabs here!”
Steven Souza – Could return in about ten games. And the band played on with Souza!
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 5.73. Humidors take miles off a fastball, right? Great! I figured! Don’t correct me, I’m living in denial! What’s that, they were playing in St. Louis? That’s super, but it’s humid there, so we’re still good! Thank you, goodbye!
David Peralta – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs. Swoon. Why am I crushing so bad on a guy who’s barely a top 50 outfielder?
Gregory Polanco – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .286. He’s looking so good early on, we might have bring back his short-lived nickname from two years ago, Brocktune. Don’t even remember why we called him that, which I think was part of the point.
Steven Brault – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 1.13. Leading up to the All-Star Game, MLB should do an online vote between Brock Holt and Steven Brault, where they campaign with videos each of them screaming their name. Brock Holt! Steven Brault! Brock Holt! Steven Brault! Brock Holt! Steven Brault! This would never get old.
Corey Knebel – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, then fell down in pain from a severely hurt hamstring. Not sure that’s a good sign. You know how when a girl says she’ll call you, then you say, “Really? Or are you just saying that?” That’s desperation, and that’s what I felt like on waivers looking for a Brewers reliever, when I picked up Jeremy Jeffress. That, my friends, is saying, “Really? Or are you just saying that?” Jeffress is like six deep on the list of potential replacements. But he saved games. Dot dot dot. Two years ago! My first pick would’ve been Jacob Barnes, then Josh Hader. Hader is sexier, but I’d guess Barnes is first choice for the Brewers, and Hader remains the Brewers’ Archie Bradley.
Ryan Braun – 1-for-3 and his 1st steal, and later picked off by Jon Lester (6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.89). Braun joins an exclusive group of players picked off by Lester that include the Phillie Phanatic during a rain delay and a fan who ran on the field carrying nachos.
Ian Happ – 1-for-6, 1 run, and his 1st steal, hitting .136. Geez, you’d almost think he can’t get any sorta rhythm going due to sporadic playing time.
Matt Chapman – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .400. For those keeping track of my bet that he would be hitting 5th by mid-April, he was moved up to 6th for yesterday’s game. Not a full “Natch!” yet but we’re getting close. Natch adjacent!
Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd home run, hitting .296. Someone yesterday asked about dropping Choo. People have serious Shiny Metal Object Syndrome this time of year. Quick shorthand: Don’t drop guys who are currently hitting for ones that are not.
Eduardo Rodriguez – Will return on Sunday. Stream-o-Nator doesn’t have it listed yet (as of this writing, it’s prolly there now), and I don’t love first starts off the DL, but it will be against the Rays, and that outweighs all downside.
David Price – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, still perfect ERA. Since I don’t own him anywhere, I’m rooting for Dennis Eckersley and David Price to look at their plane tickets at the same time as they realize they’re sitting next to each on a five-hour flight. However, according to Prospector Ralph, and Sawx fan, “(Price) is hitting his spots and he’s super efficient. He can opt out, so I think he knows he could get close to $30m somewhere else if he’s good.” Ya such a homah, Ralph!
Yonny Chirinos – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks. You think you have a tough life? Think about the baristas in Latin America trying to figure out which spelling of John to use. “Yan? Jonny? Juan? Juanny? Yonny? I’ve X’ed out so many names, I’m gonna need a new cup.”