Steven Matz is getting the call to the majors, a day after the Mets received this call, “Earth to Mets, your season is slipping away, and stop crashing back into me.” Though, it was kinda nervy of Earth to call collect. Earth added, “Sorry, I also invested in Madoff.” Thankfully for Mets fans, the Mets accepted the charges for Earth’s call, but declined Ian Desmond’s. If you are a fan of the Mets, I’d immediately write them a strongly-worded letter to not trade for Ian Desmond. I just gave you my Steven Matz fantasy. It was written on the backside of the napkin where you wrote your phone number. Not a whole lot has changed since then, except he’s added some more wonderful to his statz (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?! Sorry, I’m using a keyboard sponsored by Marcus Semien and the keys are sticky.). Matz’s IP count is now up to 90 1/3 with a 2.19 ERA and 94 Ks. Before you scoff, you scoffer, it’s in the PCL, where they use helium balloons as baseballs. I’d absolutely grab him in all leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jacob deGrom – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 2.15. Hey, that’s the time I usually tune into The Real! That Loni Love is too much.
Taylor Jungmann – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 2.74. That Jungmann is a complex archetype. Psyche! Jungmann has a 92-ish MPH fastball and decent sink that produces ground balls. I’m not interested in mixed leagues yet, but, oh my God, another upside Brewers pitcher is pulling me in, isn’t he? He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I could see grabbing him in very deep leagues.
Joe Kelly – Demoted to Triple-A and Justin Masterson will take over his rotation spot. They had Justin Masterson this whole time and weren’t using him?! Oh, c’mon! Joe Kelly couldn’t even get out of the third inning! Masterson’s good for at least, like, four and a third.
Dustin Pedroia – As reported here first after I inferred shizz from other sources, Pedroia didn’t have a tight hamstring, but strained it and hit the DL. Luckily, Ortiz got that new Baby Bjorn to carry him around.
Hanley Ramirez – Missed yesterday’s game after a line drive off Xander’s bat hit his wrist on Wednesday. If anyone can get injured by their teammate’s line drive, it’s Hanley. Or Sandoval. But mostly Hanley. Just call them the Red Schmohax.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER. When I pick up young pitchers, I’m hoping for erotic, not erratic. Wait, what? Well, you guys had some good times like J.J. Walker, but now it’s time to make like landing on a channel showing J.J. Walker’s standup and look for something better.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-4 as he was recalled from the minors. To show the Red Sox Nation what he’s made of, he walked to the game.
Brock Holt – 0-for-5, 3 Ks. We have a Robert Durst amongst us, because someone put the jinx on Holt. I think it was that commenter yesterday that went by the name, Beverley.
Alejandro De Aza – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .232. He hasn’t done much recently, but he has a speed/power combo that I would be cyclops’ing very closely.
Mike Napoli – 2-for-3, 2 runs. That’s a run and hit for each of his mom’s nipples.
Miguel Gonzalez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Get him in your–Who are we talking about again? Oh, him. Hmm, yeah, that’s more on a team-by-team need.”
Matt Wieters – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .292. Five over-the-internet dollars says he’s hitting .255 by August. Anyone want some action? C’mon, it’s fake money anyway!
Nolan Reimold – 2-for-5, 2 runs as he played center and hit third because Buck Showalter is drawing straws while Adam Jones is out. House of cards really collapses without Jones, and with Frank Underwood as the president.
Trea Turner – Was promoted to Triple-A. I read “Trea Turner promoted” and added him all over the place. Re-read that he was promoted to Triple-A and dropped him. Premature prospeculation.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. “Trea Turner? That’s my 4th grade English teacher, right? Right? Oh, I should hit, got it!” That’s Desmond taking three months to catch on to what he’s supposed to be doing. He’s always been a guy that hits homers in bunches, so by the time he hits his 3rd homer in five games next week, you should be selling again.
Doug Fister – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Braves. Right now, the Braves look like they could be no-hit in every game. A tear rolls down Chief Wahoo’s cheek while looking at the trash the Braves are rolling out there.
Freddie Freeman – Received a platelet-rich-plasma injection in his wrist. Seems like a big commitment to get a plasma injection on his wrist. Would’ve been a lot easier just to get an Apple Watch.
Matthew Wisler – 4 IP, 4 ER. This pineapple soda is very refreshing as I sit in this Venezuelan day spa. Maybe I’ll leave it with these sketchy guys while I go to the bathroom. *five hours later* It’s drafty in here, isn’t it? Hey, why is my torso fanned open like jalousie windows. AH!!! ROOFIE!!!
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.09. Still saying sell on my boy, Sonny, because he won’t keep getting by with the hair on my lippy-lip-lip.
Stephen Vogt – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting .308. Rock the Vogt, don’t tip the Vogt over. Gotta rock the Vogt, baby.
Mitch Moreland – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Mitch, please! He was hitting .182 going into yesterday’s game in the last week.
Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA up to 4.07. I always want to call him Hector Rodon and call Hector Rondon, Carlos Rondon. Am I just the silliest?! *snooze* What happened? I was thinking of something inane and I dozed off. So, Rodon looks like the meow’s cat in keeper leagues. Like, a double helping of “Can I get more of that thing whose name I can’t remember?” But in redraft leagues, I think you can look elsewhere if you have better options. With that said (reverse this sucker!), the Stream-o-Nator likes his next start.
Ian Kinsler – 1-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. What’s up with my brother-in-Jew? He finally gets his 2nd homer of the year and it comes with a 1-for-6? My MI, said disapprovingly.
Jose Iglesias – 3-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .330. That’s 4th in the AL. To all the middle infielders I’ve loved before…I should’ve just kept Iglesias.
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 20th homer in as many games. Math could be off there, but doode’s fire like my rap stage name, B-Fire.
Alfredo Simon – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.57. Uh-oh, I feel a rhyme coming on. Five ladies and gentlemen, B-Fire! Alfredo’s creamed and Miggy’s sauced, Joba Chamberlain a thorn bird in my side, who’s the boss? J.D! Kinsler has two homers, in the kingdom of SAGNOF, Rajai’s got the powers. Whatever happened to that trick, Gose? Should’ve never let that Maverick loose! Athletes rejected, xFIP’s corrected. Devin Mesoraco looks like Lurch, Pence stands on a Manbird perch, where’s Jose Iglesias — church!
Adam Eaton – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. All right, Cousin Sweatpants, I’ve seen enough. He’s hitting near-.350 in the last week and now for power. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but only because that shizz is already written and I can’t find the edit button. Grab Eaton if you long for some upside.
Brandon Phillips – 3-for-7, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (9). Looks like he’ll be able to make preserves with his jammed thumb.
Todd Frazier – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .294. I used to keep a list of girls I hooked up with in college. It wasn’t as creepy as it sounds now. Okay, maybe it was. I’d list girls and the barest (bad word choice) of details just in case it was ever found. I looked at Todd Frazier’s game log and it reminded me of that list. Only I wish my list looked that good. April 20th — single, April 21st — homer, April 23rd — didn’t play, had to study.
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-5, hitting .295. Okay, this is the last time I’m mentioning him because no one’s picking him up anyway.
A.J. Burnett – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.01. No one told Apricot Juice that it’s no longer 2014 when everyone had a sub-2.50 ERA. Maybe that was by design, if he knew it was 2015, he’d retire.
Matt Kemp – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I wonder Rihanna’s got to say about that! “What are Padres? Where is San Diego? Who is this again? Matt?”
James Shields – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 4.24. During the preseason I was down on Shields, in the non-sexual way, then when he signed with the Padres, I let up a bit on that. I shouldn’t have. His peripherals were ugly coming into this year from 2014 and now he’s losing velocity.
Chris Heston – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Stream-o-Nator predicted a line of 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7.5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Geez, what a ripoff! That’s an extra third of an inning and one and half extra baserunners, Machinehead!
Joe Panik – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal, hitting .310. I’ve said in the past the Giants are the Cardinals of the West, because they get value from these random guys. I will add something to that. They are also the anti-Rockies and Diamondbacks. Let’s see if you can figure out what I mean. Three guys got three hits for the Giants yesterday — Brandon Belt (3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI), Buster Posey (3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs), and Panik, while Angel Pagan (2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI) and Matt Duffy (2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI) got two hits each. Notice anything with them that’s unlike the Rockies and Diamondbacks? They have no power or speed.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA down to 2.84 as he was activated from the DL. Lynn assumes his job of being the most undervalued starter. Seriously, he is, isn’t he? Who’s more undervalued than Lynn? Last year’s ERA for Lynn through 200 IP? 2.74. This year, 2.84. His K/9 this year is 9.4. Who’s been better since April of last year? Maybe ten starters? One starter who has an ERA of exactly 3 since last April: Madison Bumgarner.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd steal. You know he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy column. I mean, where else would you find Grichuk? Well, he does sound like he could also be a guard at a prison.
Dan Haren – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38. I guess he’s gotten used to pitching in Florida instead of California. Taking the mound in a mosquito net is a little excessive.
Adeiny Hechavarria – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .288. Yes, he’s been better than Robinson Cano. Sorry.
Jorge de la Rosa – 5 IP, 1 ER, but left yesterday’s game with a finger injury. As Sky pointed out yesterday in the comments, this game was against Rubby de la Rosa (7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks) and it looks like Rubby won this Guerra de las Rosas.
A.J. Pollock – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, 15th steal and hitting .307. Do you realize he’s been nearly a top five outfielder and a top 20 player overall, according to our Player Rater? Hope so, because ‘dumb is cute’ is my schtick.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 20th homer. The Torenado is sweeping through, mussing hairpieces and rearranging your lawn ornaments.
Wilin Rosario – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal. Walt Weiss said in his post-game interview, “I just love what Hundley’s been doing?” When told Hundley was benched yesterday and Rosario was playing, Weiss ordered the reporters out of the locker room.
Dallas Keuchel – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA down to 2.17. Well, he’s made a convert of me. A 7+ K/9 with a 64% GB rate is prettttay, prettttay good. As my Latin friends would say, mea culpa. Now if he could stop it, I’d still appreciate it.
Jose Altuve – 3-for-4, 3 runs and two steals (19, 20). Was he playing possum with his hamstring injury? I could see him playing gerbil. Or Gremlin. But possum?
Yasiel Puig – Still can’t swing a bat due to a callus on his hand. Isn’t that how he got the callus in the first place? And how he ended up blind.
Carlos Frias – 5 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 4.31 vs. Jon Lester 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 4.03. Kinda crazy how bad Lester’s luck has been. Comparatively, he made Frias look like Fernando Valenzuela. Speaking of which, you know who must do the best eye roll? Fernando.
Kris Bryant – Left yesterday’s game with flu-like symptoms. He sure nose cleanup! This blurb was sponsored by Kleenex.
Starlin Castro – Out on paternity leave. Here’s to him naming his kid, Fidel! Or Catsup.
