Matt Davidson Hosts “Homerwood Squares”

After homering in his fourth straight game, Matt Davidson (2-for-4, 2 runs) is halfway to Dale Long’s record of home runs in eight straight games.  A record I didn’t think would ever be matched, aside from it being matched twice previously by Ken Griffey Jr. and Don Mattingly.  Dale Long was mostly remembered for that record and getting to first base with his bat.  Good year for no-names whose last name ends in son:  Davidson, Morrison, Alonson.  The book on Davidson previously was a AAAA player, which is different than Mickey Mantle and David Wells.  That’s two AA players.  Sadly (for him), Davidson is playing so over his head that giraffes be like, “Yo, come down from there.”  In Triple-A, he was a 30% strikeout guy and is striking out at a 38% rate now, so he will hit .200 for the season and be an only-occasional home run guy.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Tillman – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 8.07.  Out of curiosity and, even with the fear of dying the same way as the cat, I guessed the Orioles had the team worst ERA and then searched for the answer, and I was wrong.  Not even the worst ERA for only starters, though, that was close.  They were 2nd worst.  Apparently, the staff with Muslim Mrs. Garrett is slightly worse than the one with Chris “Tootie’d My Pants” Tillman.  To use another name from the Orioles staff, the O’s pitchers are a bunch of Yacabonis.

Welington Castillo – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 2nd game in a row with a homer.  Here’s the boeuf!

Trevor Plouffe – Was designated for assignment to clear room for Matt Chapman.  Plouffe could get a job somewhere.  Korea?  Japan?  Kohl’s Department Store, housewares?

Yonder Alonso – 2-for-5 , 2 runs and his 17th homer.  Oh, you know, same number of homers as a healthy Giancarlo.  I just did a spit take, and it’s not the usual spit take I imagine myself doing when I mention Giancarlo.

Seth Smith – Sounds headed to the DL with a stiff back.  The doctor prescribed, “Reth and relathation.”

Neil Walker – Out with a tear of his hamstring.  The Mets called up Gavin Cecchini.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA–Breathe, Grey, breathe!  We’re losing him!  What are you saying between cackles?  Ahmad Rashad?  You need a med?  We’re calling one!  Please!  We’re losing him!

Juan Lagares – Out with a broken thumb.  Mets, “Does Gavin Cecchini have a brother?”

Matt Harvey – Out with a scapular shoulder injury.  WebMD says, “This injury occurs when a doctor accidentally leaves a scalpel in a wound and the nurse sews it up.  Patients with many shoulder surgeries are susceptible. It’s commonly referred to as, ‘Oh, s’crapular.'”

Noah Syndergaard – Shut down for four more weeks because:  Mets.

Wilmer Flores – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer as he hit 2nd, 4th, 6th, 8th and pitched because the Mets have no team left.

Robert Gsellman – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 5.50.  The one guy they want to get injured!

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer.  He homered off Wilmer Flores.

Michael Taylor – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .261.  Taylor H.A.M.!  In the last 7 games, he’s hitting over .300 and…Well, that’s it, but ya never know.

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.89.  I said yesterday that there was no number three starters, but, as someone reminded me yesterday, Gio is a number three.  Good point.  We have two.  There’s not even as many number three starters as the number in its name.

Brian Johnson – Hit the 10-day DL.  He has a shoulder impingement.  Hey, Brian, maybe you shouldn’t have such a cocky last name.

Chris Sale – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.82 and, once again, no run support for Sale as he was the tough luck loser.  The Red Sox like their 1st year pitchers to learn how to carry the extra weight of pitching in Boston.  It’s the Red Sox version of the Freshman 15.  The Sox keep telling Sale to tie his warm-up jacket around his waist.

Nick Pivetta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.46.  It’s pathetic that the Red Sox couldn’t score off this guy.  Pivetthic!

Carlos Gonzalez – Sat for his 2nd straight game.  All of these questions about what I think of CarGo go through a Grey translator and come back with, “This guy didn’t listen to you in the preseason when you told everyone to avoid CarGo.”

Tom Murphy – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the DL.  I tried to add him in all of my leagues.  I wasn’t successful everywhere, but I was successful somewhere, so not nowhere but onewhere.  Got it?  Good!  Murphy was a top 10 catcher for me in the preseason prior to his injury and I love him as a cheap power/homer (pomer?) guy.  He’s so sexy, I don’t even mind the deluge of Murphy catcher questions.  Fun fact!  Cool Runnings was dubbed into French and titled, “Deluge.”

Jeff Hoffman – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.25.  Really walked between the raindrops yesterday in Coors, and he goes back there again, according to the Stream-o-Nator, and, yeah, I’ll be honest, I’m not rushing to grab him.  Way too much that can go wrong, but it’s hard to argue against him.

Greg Holland – 1 IP, 1 ER and the blown save, ERA up to 1.40.  What a bum!  Kidding, please don’t ask if you need to drop him.

Austin Slater – 4-for-5, 1 run, hitting .405.  Could be a light schmotato while the Giants are in Coors.  Though, honestly, who isn’t worth owning in Coors.  Okay, besides Carlos Gonzalez.

Buster Posey – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Fun fact!  Luther Campbell’s fantasy team name is, “Buster Posey, Bust-Buster Posey.”

Matt Moore – 3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.00.  I’m feeling super pumped, psyched even, that I started Samardzija in a weekly league.  This is going to go swimmingly as defined by Natalie Wood.

Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in two games and fifth homer in the last games.  Look at Cain…Sugar! showing signs of life.  That’s to go with 12 steals.  Guys and five girls, eight homers and 12 steals ain’t that bad.  In fact (Grey’s got more!), on the Player Rater, he’s around the 45th best outfielder.  Yikes, I thought that was gonna be better.  Jarrod Dyson is in front of him?  WUT.

Matt Strahm – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  His perfs (that’s what the kids call them) are atrocious, but this was his first start the rest of the grossness (6+ BB/9) came in relief, but there’s some good here.  He can miss bats.  Lots of them, while touching mid-90s with his fastball and registering solid Ks.  12-team mixed leagues feels too shallow for him, but deeper leagues could have something here.

Kolten Wong – Hit the DL with a triceps strain.  Don’t tell Carl Everett, but Wong’s got a triceps-a-saurus.

Dexter Fowler – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .240.  I called Ender, Chicken Butt, because he’s a similar player to Fowler.  In the past, I’ve compared Adam Eaton, Maybin, etc. to Fowler.  Almost every leadoff guy has been compared to Fowler by me, and, the funny thing that isn’t that funny, Fowler’s not even that guy anymore.  He hits 2nd and doesn’t run at all.

Michael Wacha – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.78 vs. Zach Davies – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.91.  This was a matchup billed as, “You in March, “‘Hey, Grey, what do you think of Davies and Wacha?’ and You now, ‘Hey, Grey, sorry I wasted your time asking about Wacha and/or Davies.'”

Eric Thames – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  So far my conspiracy theory that he can only see red holds up because this was off a Cardinal.  Wait, maybe he can’t see red, and the color red is black, so he sees the ball better off their jerseys?  Hmm, I have to think on this more.

Keon Broxton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer as Lewis Brinson didn’t play.  Eric Sogard (2-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .357) has been swinging a hot bat, but if I tell people to drop Domingo for Brinson, that means Brinson should be played over him.  Clear?  Good.

Steven Souza – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer, hitting .260.  Hey, Souza, play that funky music white boy!

Alex Cobb – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.17.  He has a 6.3 K/9, 2.6 BB/9 and 4.55 xFIP.  That’s about as yawnstipating as it gets.

Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.50.  This start was vs. the Rays, who are a surprisingly decent offense.  Well, at least middle of the road-type offense.  Yes, I’m making excuses for Verlander.  Since I don’t own him, you’re welcome.

Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .280.  Wow, Justin Smoak’s had better weeks.

Eduardo Escobar – 3-for-4 and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in the past two games while hitting, like, four thousand in the last week.  Damn, the Twins are playing mad.  I haven’t seen Twins this angry since the Wonder Twins activated in the form of two Berkeley protestors.  “My safe space smells of patchouli and the opposite of unruly!”  Then everyone else chants, “Ruly!  Ruly!  Ruly!”  Eduardo Escobar, the Colombian crime boss’ nephew on his wife’s side, has taken schmotato’ing to a whole new level.  “Maria Victoria, I appreciate your nephew wants to sell for me, but he keeps putting the drugos in Coca-Cola bottles.  He does not understand what coca is, I do not think.”  That’s Pablo talking to his wife about Eduardo Escobar.  Also, in this game, Chris Gimenez (2-for-4, 4 RBIs) hit two homers.  Know why?  Because absolutely no one owns him in fantasy and he’s spiteful.  Not cool, Gimenez!

Jose Berrios – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.74.  Gonna start calling him Fred Berrios, because he keeps going out and putting together solid starts like it’s a Rerun.

Michael Brantley – Left the club to be with his wife for the birth of their child.  Asking for Carlos Santana’s owners, can someone go back nine months and impregnate his wife to get him out of the lineup?

Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-3, 4 runs, and his 13th homer.  Wouldn’t surprise me at all to see Edwin still get to 35 homers this year.  In other words, he has a lot more power to come this year.  In Latin words, e pluribus buy him.

Lonnie Chisenhall – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 8th homer.  He hit a home run off Stripling, who is who I really want to talk about (because I own him).  Stripling has given up seven earned runs in the last 3 2/3 IP.  As precious as Dave Roberts has been with Dodgers starters, he is Torre’ing up his bullpen.  Stripling has more innings (36 IP) than a few of their starters.  Way to ruin my middle relievers, Dave Roberts!  Dave?  Where are you going?  Why are you stealing 2nd?

Ariel Miranda – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.17.  The Regression Fairies were sorry to visit Ariel Mermanda since he’s one of their favorite Disney characters.

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer.  I must put on the previously scratched record once again.  He wasn’t even in the majors for most of April!  When he was called up, I projected him for 17 homers.  He beat that in two months!  No longer am I calling him Bellinger.  I am now calling him, Cody Launchangler.

Chris Taylor – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer.  Would take a two-week cold-as Vanilla-Ice’s-career stint to move Taylor out of the starting lineup.  He’s in this afternoon’s Buy column, but no reason to wait for that.

Rich Hill – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.14.  Where’s that blister when you need it?!