That Twins Pitcher Is Starting To M Perez Me

On a new true crime podcast, Murdered By The Numbers, the host and a former FBI agent discuss the murdering of baseballs.  A serial offender coming into this year was Martin Perez. “The recidivism rates for Perez were due to his 5-ish K/9 and high-3 BB/9,” the host points out.  Then the FBI agent takes us through a personal anecdote about how he captured The Golden State Killer, which ends in a Blue Apron ad.  “The bloody body laid there like a halibut in a summer tomato bouillabaisse, which is just one of their great options!”  Yesterday, Martin Perez showed us once again that no one is too old to be new again.  Except Felix Hernandez, he’s not getting new again.  Perez went 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.83, as he changes all preconceived notions.  His velocity is up 2 MPH and his cutter looks filthy, a pitch he is throwing nearly 35% of the time this year, because of the results he’s getting.  A pitch he added just this year.  See how obvious this narrative is?  Pitcher adds filth and gets results.  He’s not quite an under-3 ERA pitcher, but he’s usable for all leagues.  He left his old crew in Texas that was a bad influence and he’s now done murdering baseballs.  From RIP to rehabilitated FIP.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jorge Polanco – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .317. Maybe people will stop asking now if they should drop Polanco.  Doode goes cold for two and half games and people start calling for his head.  Droppin’ geez with incredulity.

Eddie Rosario – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer.  The Twins have the 2nd best winning percentage in baseball, which is happening because I said to bet on the Twins to win the World Series, but didn’t actually do it.

Marcus Stroman – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 2.96.  The Regression Fairies went to the Met Gala as “destroyed ratios.”

Dellin Betances – Throwing from 60 feet. Why are they having him pitch while standing on Aaron Judge?

Clint Frazier – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL.  Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “If I were Mexican, you’d never ask me to remove my sombrero, so it’s racist to ask me to take it off.”

Brett Gardner – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .223.  In his first two at-bats, he got the two hardest pieces of the cycle (HR & triple), but in baseball a cycle has four parts.  It’s an off-road four wheeler, apparently.

Dee Gordon – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .297.  “They’re on to us,” Our Commissioner Manfred says as he twirls his mustache, “Think we might have to loosen the stitching a little bit.”  Guatemalan woman in a housedress, who is the union chief of the baseball stitchers, crosses her arms, thinks about this, then replies, “No.”  Manfred stomps his foot, “Dammit, Graciela!  Fine.”

Domingo Santana – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .269.  Sunday, Monday, Happy Days.

Merrill Kelly – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 4.85.  Merrill-y Merrill-y Merrill-y life is but a nightmare.

Blake Snell – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.62.  Was near-perfect thru 6 IP and coasted out to the W on the Ivictory Coast on a boat named, “Snell ya later.”

Tommy Pham – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, a grand slam.  Wham bam thank you, Pham!

Avisail Garcia – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, and his 5th homer, hitting .287, hitting near-.375 in the last week, so hot schmotato.  I swear it feels like Avisail has hit more homers than five.  Maybe they’ve instituted the rule I sent to the MLB office:  If someone hits 400-feet worth of fouls straight back, subtract a home run.

Steven Matz – Mets doctors found Matz is dealing with a nerve issue in his forearm and no structural damage.  Then other doctors looked at it and found no arm.  Seems Mets doctors removed the arm to do the tests.

Wilmer Font – Mets traded for him.  Fred Wilpon couldn’t live without a Wilmer.  Darwin Barney is next.

Chris Paddack – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks in only 91 pitches (!), ERA at 1.55.  Serious question to you, if you’re reranking right now, where does Paddack get placed for starters?  Top 20?  15?  10?  5?  Do you take anyone over him?

Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  I’m not sure if he’s going to play every day, but definite hot schmotato alert!

Vince Velasquez – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.86.  That’s what I get for chasing a 2-start pitcher I didn’t fully trust.  I’m sure it will get better for his next start.  *removes orange vest, dons duck bill hat and wanders into hunting grounds*  On a side note, every time I wave to someone I think I’m a Phillies player on base.  Maybe I’m watching too much baseball.

Miles Mikolas – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.02.  I’ll say it for you, sonavabench!  Oh, you dropped him?  Sonavadrop then, but it doesn’t have same ring.  Solid bounce back for Mikolas (no dur), but I don’t suddenly trust him anymore than I did before this start.  It’s as Streamonator says about him, mildly positive at home.

Paul DeJong – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .336.  Tired:  Rafael Devers.  Woke:  DeJong.  Woke with caffeine:  Colonel Mustard did it in the backseat of a jeep with crushed pink cookies!

Matt Carpenter – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer.  Carpenter nailed it!  I don’t love Carpenter, but I wasn’t foolish enough to call him a sell this year, because at some point he’s going to hit 30 homers in 65 games.

Jon Berti – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 1st homer.  We lost Burdi, but we gained Berti.  Hmm… *shifty-eyed dog looks both ways* …I’m suspicious.  Over a full season, Berti projects for about 3 to 4 homers, give or take a deep drive that the announcers think is a home run but gets knocked down by the wind.

Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer.  HR to the Izzo!

Kris Bryant – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Does the RJS (Reverse Jinx Sell) work if I keep saying sell?  What if I say sell low?  Does it work twice as much?

Pedro Strop – 0 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.06, as he blew the save.  Ports or depot, UF.

Howie Kendrick – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .338.  If you drafted Kendrick in the 1st round instead of Trea Turner, you’d be doing better.  Now call a friend, you shouldn’t be alone after reading that.

Adam Eaton – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer.  Like clockwork, he’s on pace for 15/15/.290 as he always is, which will turn into 8/8/.290 after a devastating injury.

Junior Guerra – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save, ERA at 2.21.  Hader had worked a few days in a row, so Guerra got the save.  For all of you holding out hope that Jeffress is going to get saves at some point, this was a clear indication Jeffress is not getting saves.

Hunter Dozier – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .348.  Just what I expected when I drafted him, only I called him “Kris Bryant.”

Adalberto Mondesi – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .280.  Sometimes, I copy and paste my posts into Word and do a Find and Replace of Mondesi for Albright.  We’re married now, Adalberto.

Robinson Chirinos – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .269.  Uh-oh, Chirinos!  He usually follows a home run with another, so if you’re into picking your catcher scab, you’ve been warned.

George Springer – 2-for-5 and his 11th homer, hitting .285.  Did his shoulder doctor — shouldocter? — look at Kris Bryant’s?  Please let it be true.

Walker Buehler – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.95.  Thank God, Spring Training is finally over for Buehler.

Julio Urias – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 1st save, ERA at 3.55.  When giving Jansen a rest, leave it to Dave Roberts to not go to either of his setup men (Baez or Kelly) for the save.  I mean, honestly, all you can do is laugh.

Kevin Gausman – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.00.  He appealed his suspension for throwing at Jose Urena and missing.  He also can’t hit on when he should take that suspension.

Nick Markakis – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Sparkakis and hot schmotato!  Hot sparkatato!

David Price – Hit the IL with elbow tendinitis.  Wow, that came out of nowhere.  Look at your fantasy teams and find the few guys who are pitching well.  Those pitchers there?  They’re not safe from the pitcherpocalypse either.  Red Sox said Price might only miss a start or two.  We shall see.  Or not.  Tomorrow’s not promised.  Ask any Mets pitcher.

John Means – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.48.  His peripherals (8 K/9, 1.9 BB/9) aren’t terrible, and it might be the 27 years of bad Orioles pitchers talking, but I can’t get in on John.  I means…

Jonathan Villar – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, a grand salami.  The most beautiful of lunchmeats.

Shohei Ohtani – Could be activated today, pending an assessment.  Fun fact!  After a 1st date, the worst type of after-dinner mint is an assessment.

Kendrys Morales – With Matt Olson returning from the IL, Morales is expected to be designated for assignment.  The Morales of this story is don’t get old unless you’re a left-handed pitcher.

Carlos Rodon – The first doctor he visited recommended Tommy John surgery.  The 2nd doctor recommended they attach a balloon animal to his shoulder and teach it how to pitch.  The 2nd doctor was a Mets doctor.

Yoan Moncada – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .293.  Unless talking about Kris Bryant, I’d take the over on everyone’s projected homers.  For what it’s Werth, Moncada’s average had dropped thirty-five points in the last week.

James McCann – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .351.  McCann’s a hero because he’s a catcher.  I prefer hitters who never catchered.

Tim Anderson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .339 as he stole his 12th base.

Tim Anderson watching his next home run: pic.twitter.com/rUSE2j3HFx

— Razzball (@Razzball) May 6, 2019

Ivan Nova – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 7.04.  Streamonator didn’t love this start because Nova’s garbage, but you know what’s more garbagey?  The Indians lineup.

Trevor Bauer – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 3.42.  My immediate reaction to Bauer getting hit is:  it couldn’t happen to a bigger douchebag, but then I immediately think, “Wait!  That’s my douchebag!”

Mike Gerber – 0-for-4, 3 Ks, hitting .067.  The Giants’ OF was: Gerber/Duggar/Pillar.  Gerber/Duggar/Pillar? I hardly know her, but if she knows anything about baseball, pretty sure she thinks this outfield stinks.

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (1) and he worked a scoreless inning of relief, so a slam and legs with cheese. Can we briefly talk about how bad the Giants look?  Actually, I have a song for them.  They Might Be Giants singing, “Istanbul to QuadAstinople.”

Drew Pomeranz – 1 2/3 Ip, 7 ER, ERA at 5.93.  The most hilarious thing is receiving notification emails from my leagues that someone dropped Pomeranz in the middle of his start. They only had less than two innings to do it too.

Jose Peraza – 0-for-3, hitting .185, and yesterday the Reds scored 12 runs.  Adios, amigo!  Emphasis on GO!  Off my team!  I hate you!

Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and his third homer in the last three games.  Finally, his wish was granted by his brother Eugenie.

Jose Iglesias – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a homer short of the cycle.  If you started Iglesias on a short schedule day, they answered your prayer.

Curt Casali – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .283.  Psycho killer, Curt Casali!  Or Mustang Casali, depending on your taste in music.

Nick Senzel – 2-for-6 and his 2nd and 3rd homer as he hit leadoff.  Both homers went to the opposite field.  Cinco de Mayo was Sunday, but that’s a tasty oppo taco plate, Senzelnati Kid!  The top five in the Reds lineup yesterday was Senzel, Votto, Suarez, Puig, Farmer.  Butcher, “Trust me. It’s the finest of cured pork products.”  Customer, “I’ve heard of proscuitto and cotto but not Senzelvotto. Where is it sourced from?”  “The 4/5 hitters.”