On a new true crime podcast, Murdered By The Numbers, the host and a former FBI agent discuss the murdering of baseballs.  A serial offender coming into this year was Martin Perez. “The recidivism rates for Perez were due to his 5-ish K/9 and high-3 BB/9,” the host points out.  Then the FBI agent takes us through a personal anecdote about how he captured The Golden State Killer, which ends in a Blue Apron ad.  “The bloody body laid there like a halibut in a summer tomato bouillabaisse, which is just one of their great options!”  Yesterday, Martin Perez showed us once again that no one is too old to be new again.  Except Felix Hernandez, he’s not getting new again.  Perez went 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.83, as he changes all preconceived notions.  His velocity is up 2 MPH and his cutter looks filthy, a pitch he is throwing nearly 35% of the time this year, because of the results he’s getting.  A pitch he added just this year.  See how obvious this narrative is?  Pitcher adds filth and gets results.  He’s not quite an under-3 ERA pitcher, but he’s usable for all leagues.  He left his old crew in Texas that was a bad influence and he’s now done murdering baseballs.  From RIP to rehabilitated FIP.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jorge Polanco – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .317. Maybe people will stop asking now if they should drop Polanco.  Doode goes cold for two and half games and people start calling for his head.  Droppin’ geez with incredulity.

Eddie Rosario – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer.  The Twins have the 2nd best winning percentage in baseball, which is happening because I said to bet on the Twins to win the World Series, but didn’t actually do it.

Marcus Stroman – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 2.96.  The Regression Fairies went to the Met Gala as “destroyed ratios.”

Dellin Betances – Throwing from 60 feet. Why are they having him pitch while standing on Aaron Judge?

Clint Frazier – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL.  Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “If I were Mexican, you’d never ask me to remove my sombrero, so it’s racist to ask me to take it off.”

Brett Gardner – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .223.  In his first two at-bats, he got the two hardest pieces of the cycle (HR & triple), but in baseball a cycle has four parts.  It’s an off-road four wheeler, apparently.

Dee Gordon – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .297.  “They’re on to us,” Our Commissioner Manfred says as he twirls his mustache, “Think we might have to loosen the stitching a little bit.”  Guatemalan woman in a housedress, who is the union chief of the baseball stitchers, crosses her arms, thinks about this, then replies, “No.”  Manfred stomps his foot, “Dammit, Graciela!  Fine.”

Domingo Santana – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .269.  Sunday, Monday, Happy Days.

Merrill Kelly – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 4.85.  Merrill-y Merrill-y Merrill-y life is but a nightmare.

Blake Snell – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.62.  Was near-perfect thru 6 IP and coasted out to the W on the Ivictory Coast on a boat named, “Snell ya later.”

Tommy Pham – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, a grand slam.  Wham bam thank you, Pham!

Avisail Garcia – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, and his 5th homer, hitting .287, hitting near-.375 in the last week, so hot schmotato.  I swear it feels like Avisail has hit more homers than five.  Maybe they’ve instituted the rule I sent to the MLB office:  If someone hits 400-feet worth of fouls straight back, subtract a home run.

Steven MatzMets doctors found Matz is dealing with a nerve issue in his forearm and no structural damage.  Then other doctors looked at it and found no arm.  Seems Mets doctors removed the arm to do the tests.

Wilmer FontMets traded for him.  Fred Wilpon couldn’t live without a Wilmer.  Darwin Barney is next.

Chris Paddack – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks in only 91 pitches (!), ERA at 1.55.  Serious question to you, if you’re reranking right now, where does Paddack get placed for starters?  Top 20?  15?  10?  5?  Do you take anyone over him?

Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  I’m not sure if he’s going to play every day, but definite hot schmotato alert!

Vince Velasquez – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.86.  That’s what I get for chasing a 2-start pitcher I didn’t fully trust.  I’m sure it will get better for his next start.  *removes orange vest, dons duck bill hat and wanders into hunting grounds*  On a side note, every time I wave to someone I think I’m a Phillies player on base.  Maybe I’m watching too much baseball.

Miles Mikolas – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.02.  I’ll say it for you, sonavabench!  Oh, you dropped him?  Sonavadrop then, but it doesn’t have same ring.  Solid bounce back for Mikolas (no dur), but I don’t suddenly trust him anymore than I did before this start.  It’s as Streamonator says about him, mildly positive at home.

Paul DeJong – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .336.  Tired:  Rafael Devers.  Woke:  DeJong.  Woke with caffeine:  Colonel Mustard did it in the backseat of a jeep with crushed pink cookies!

Matt Carpenter – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer.  Carpenter nailed it!  I don’t love Carpenter, but I wasn’t foolish enough to call him a sell this year, because at some point he’s going to hit 30 homers in 65 games.

Jon Berti – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 1st homer.  We lost Burdi, but we gained Berti.  Hmm… *shifty-eyed dog looks both ways* …I’m suspicious.  Over a full season, Berti projects for about 3 to 4 homers, give or take a deep drive that the announcers think is a home run but gets knocked down by the wind.

Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer.  HR to the Izzo!

Kris Bryant – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Does the RJS (Reverse Jinx Sell) work if I keep saying sell?  What if I say sell low?  Does it work twice as much?

Pedro Strop – 0 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.06, as he blew the save.  Ports or depot, UF.

Howie Kendrick – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .338.  If you drafted Kendrick in the 1st round instead of Trea Turner, you’d be doing better.  Now call a friend, you shouldn’t be alone after reading that.

Adam Eaton – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer.  Like clockwork, he’s on pace for 15/15/.290 as he always is, which will turn into 8/8/.290 after a devastating injury.

Junior Guerra – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save, ERA at 2.21.  Hader had worked a few days in a row, so Guerra got the save.  For all of you holding out hope that Jeffress is going to get saves at some point, this was a clear indication Jeffress is not getting saves.

Hunter Dozier – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .348.  Just what I expected when I drafted him, only I called him “Kris Bryant.”

Adalberto Mondesi – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .280.  Sometimes, I copy and paste my posts into Word and do a Find and Replace of Mondesi for Albright.  We’re married now, Adalberto.

Robinson Chirinos – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .269.  Uh-oh, Chirinos!  He usually follows a home run with another, so if you’re into picking your catcher scab, you’ve been warned.

George Springer – 2-for-5 and his 11th homer, hitting .285.  Did his shoulder doctor — shouldocter? — look at Kris Bryant’s?  Please let it be true.

Walker Buehler – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.95.  Thank God, Spring Training is finally over for Buehler.

Julio Urias – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 1st save, ERA at 3.55.  When giving Jansen a rest, leave it to Dave Roberts to not go to either of his setup men (Baez or Kelly) for the save.  I mean, honestly, all you can do is laugh.

Kevin Gausman – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.00.  He appealed his suspension for throwing at Jose Urena and missing.  He also can’t hit on when he should take that suspension.

Nick Markakis – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Sparkakis and hot schmotato!  Hot sparkatato!

David Price – Hit the IL with elbow tendinitis.  Wow, that came out of nowhere.  Look at your fantasy teams and find the few guys who are pitching well.  Those pitchers there?  They’re not safe from the pitcherpocalypse either.  Red Sox said Price might only miss a start or two.  We shall see.  Or not.  Tomorrow’s not promised.  Ask any Mets pitcher.

John Means – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.48.  His peripherals (8 K/9, 1.9 BB/9) aren’t terrible, and it might be the 27 years of bad Orioles pitchers talking, but I can’t get in on John.  I means…

Jonathan Villar – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, a grand salami.  The most beautiful of lunchmeats.

Shohei Ohtani – Could be activated today, pending an assessment.  Fun fact!  After a 1st date, the worst type of after-dinner mint is an assessment.

Kendrys Morales – With Matt Olson returning from the IL, Morales is expected to be designated for assignment.  The Morales of this story is don’t get old unless you’re a left-handed pitcher.

Carlos Rodon – The first doctor he visited recommended Tommy John surgery.  The 2nd doctor recommended they attach a balloon animal to his shoulder and teach it how to pitch.  The 2nd doctor was a Mets doctor.

Yoan Moncada – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .293.  Unless talking about Kris Bryant, I’d take the over on everyone’s projected homers.  For what it’s Werth, Moncada’s average had dropped thirty-five points in the last week.

James McCann – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .351.  McCann’s a hero because he’s a catcher.  I prefer hitters who never catchered.

Tim Anderson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .339 as he stole his 12th base.

Ivan Nova – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 7.04.  Streamonator didn’t love this start because Nova’s garbage, but you know what’s more garbagey?  The Indians lineup.

Trevor Bauer – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 3.42.  My immediate reaction to Bauer getting hit is:  it couldn’t happen to a bigger douchebag, but then I immediately think, “Wait!  That’s my douchebag!”

Mike Gerber – 0-for-4, 3 Ks, hitting .067.  The Giants’ OF was: Gerber/Duggar/Pillar.  Gerber/Duggar/Pillar? I hardly know her, but if she knows anything about baseball, pretty sure she thinks this outfield stinks.

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (1) and he worked a scoreless inning of relief, so a slam and legs with cheese. Can we briefly talk about how bad the Giants look?  Actually, I have a song for them.  They Might Be Giants singing, “Istanbul to QuadAstinople.”

Drew Pomeranz – 1 2/3 Ip, 7 ER, ERA at 5.93.  The most hilarious thing is receiving notification emails from my leagues that someone dropped Pomeranz in the middle of his start. They only had less than two innings to do it too.

Jose Peraza – 0-for-3, hitting .185, and yesterday the Reds scored 12 runs.  Adios, amigo!  Emphasis on GO!  Off my team!  I hate you!

Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and his third homer in the last three games.  Finally, his wish was granted by his brother Eugenie.

Jose Iglesias – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a homer short of the cycle.  If you started Iglesias on a short schedule day, they answered your prayer.

Curt Casali – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .283.  Psycho killer, Curt Casali!  Or Mustang Casali, depending on your taste in music.

Nick Senzel – 2-for-6 and his 2nd and 3rd homer as he hit leadoff.  Both homers went to the opposite field.  Cinco de Mayo was Sunday, but that’s a tasty oppo taco plate, Senzelnati Kid!  The top five in the Reds lineup yesterday was Senzel, Votto, Suarez, Puig, Farmer.  Butcher, “Trust me. It’s the finest of cured pork products.”  Customer, “I’ve heard of proscuitto and cotto but not Senzelvotto. Where is it sourced from?”  “The 4/5 hitters.”

 
  1. Hebrew Hammer says:
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    Got a text regarding Snell at 5 2/3 innings, “No-Hitter!”
    Low and behold the @#ck bag i got Snell from via trade.

    Next batter single, followed by hit-batter. However, he did manage QS. I feel the need to retaliate for his blatent and smug jinx. Snell gone after 89 pitches.

    Anyways,

    16 team H2H keeper dynasty league :

    Start Lester vs Miami?
    Start Caleb Smith @CHC?

    I would ask about starting Cal Quaalude-Tranquill vs NYM, but I forgot he was in my minor league system. Fantrax forbid any lineup changes until I add him to my roster(last spot) following his fill-in start. HAPPY FACE!

    Thankyou, great article

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      I’d start both

      • Hebrew Hammer says:
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        My RP started decent this season: BARNES, DOOLITTLE, SHANE GREENE, DIEGO CASTILLO, swarwak.

        Swarak avg. just over 2pts per outing, opposed to 6-9pts from others.

        Our league really emphasizes HOLDS, SV, SV+HLDS.

        Best options on wire- Brebbia, Workman, Sipp, Baez, Jackson

        I have cash for one more FA all season. I’m sitting 5-0. Hold onto Swarak for bit, or grab one of these RPs

        Thankyou

        • knucks says:
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          The Saves+Holds thing devalues Swarzak. You don’t need a schmuck who MIGHT be in the closer role. But Pts leagues confuse the hell out of me and also if you can’t make any moves the rest of the year, this isn’t the time for it.

          • Hebrew Hammer says:
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            Our League commissioner went buck wild on Fantrax. Our league is technically a points driven h2h league, but our league admin created 15 categories for hitting and pitching each. Too much to keep track of.

            He just added a QS2, AND QS3 for SP. He calls them super and super super QS.

            For RP a hold is 6 points. Okay fine, but then a SV+Hold is 0.5 points.

            I think Mike Scosippath is running the league.

            • knucks says:
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              I think you should def find a new league. Simpler the better.

              • Hebrew Hammer says:
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                Basically being 16 team with contracts league, you get f’d every three or so years.

                No 1yr contacts, 2 yr contracts (max 3 total on 27 roster), and they go up there.

                So you want the good players huh? Enjoy the 4-7 year contracts and no FA CASH.

                OH, did I mention minor league system as well.

                My face..

                • knucks says:
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                  Way too much going on there. Redraft only 12 Team 5×5 for me. None of that sounds appealing in the slightest.

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          One more FA all season? And this is the move you want to do? No, no , no

          • Hebrew Hammer says:
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            Wheeew you talked me out of it (sarcasm + sarcasm). Swarwak is just irritating.

            Good news, Duffy the dumpster fire is back on the market $$$

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      You should smash your phone to smithereens

      Agree with DT

      • Hebrew Hammer says:
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        Btw Grey your J. Dozier and Voit picks have been great. Goodrum not bad either, but those other two have kept me 5-0

        Thankyou

  2. Marcusallenoverthetop says:
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    Made me lol ?????? Thx for that

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      No problem

  3. Evil Knebel says:
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    Paddack seems like such a sell high with being a rookie and an innings limit but I don’t really see how I can sell him at this point. I think itd have to be for a top 40 player to even consider moving him.

    • Baby Seal says:
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      Agree, have that BEAST too!

      I would want like a Pham or similar caliber player in return.

      • ChefBoyRG54 says:
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        Pham? maybe in a redraft, but just lacks the luster and excitement.

    • knucks says:
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      Just ride the lightning brother.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Agree with knucks

  4. Ante Galic says:
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    Grey!!!

    Beautiful report, if this were the Middle Ages, it’d be compared to The Pieta!

    a. Haha on Wilmer Font. How ’bout they do the right thing and retire Juan Lugares ASAP. Guy is a turd on a turd sandwich that’s stuck under the right front wheel of an 18-wheeler in Jersey.

    b. On Means’ effort…John Means ‘NO’!!! How many times do you horndogs need to be told?

    c. Senzational…that is all.

    d. Abbott and Costello quote of the day for May 7

    Bagel Street, aka. Susquehanna Hat Company, aka. Fluegel Street routine – Abbott and Costello skit, taken from In Society

    This is a classic vaudeville routine and highly popular with the fans of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. During the filming of ‘In Society’, Lou wanted to include this routine in the movie. However, because the movie was already on a tight shooting schedule, since Universal Pictures wanted to release this film before MGM’s Abbott and Costello movie “Lost in a Harem,” the producers refused. Lou was unwilling to give up on the idea, so he filmed and directed this segment himself.

    The routine involves Abbott and Costello helping out a friend, Derby Dan, owner of a hat shop, by delivering some hats to the Susquehanna Hat Company on Bagel Street [later, when doing the same routine on the Abbott and Costello television show, it was changed to Fleugel Street].

    Bud Abbott: You’ve got to deliver these to the Susquehanna Hat Company!
    Lou Costello: Where?
    Bud Abbott: It’s on Bagel Street!
    Lou Costello: Where’s Bagel Street?
    Bud Abbott: I don’t know, we’ll ask somebody. It’s on our way down there
    Lou Costello: [Getting a hat from the box] How much did you say they are?
    Bud Abbott: $7.50 a piece!
    Lou Costello: [places a hat on his head] How do I look with a 7 and a half dollar hat on?
    Bud Abbott: Let me see … say, kind of spiffy!
    Lou Costello: OK?
    Bud Abbott: Alright, but carry those [gives boxes to Lou] but don’t get it dirty!
    Lou Costello: Let’s go
    Bud Abbott: Be careful
    Lou Costello: Bagel Street eh?
    Bud Abbott: Bagel Street!
    Lou Costello: We’ll ask somebody!
    Bud Abbott: We’ll ask somebody!
    [down the street]
    Bud Abbott: Here. Ask this fellow where Bagel Street is!
    Lou Costello: OK – [to stranger] Excuse me … can you tell me where Bagel Street is?
    Man: Sorry Buddy, I haven’t got a dime!
    Lou Costello: Who’s asking you for money? I’m only asking you where Bagel Street is!
    Man: Do I know where Bagel Street is?? Of course, I know where Bagel Street is! What do I look like, a dummy? Do I look like I have just come off a boat? Is there a tag on my lapel saying that I just came from Ellis Island? Of course, I know where Bagel Street is! I was born and raised on Bagel Street! My brother was born on Bagel Street! You know my brother?
    Lou Costello: All I’m asking you …
    Man: [interrupting] Why do you go around talking about my brother? I’ll have you understand my brother is one of the finest guys to have ever walked in shoe leather. My brother was an honest student at school! Go ahead, say something nasty about my brother. Say something like … ‘he shouldn’t get a parole!’
    Lou Costello: I’m asking you where Bagel Street is! A common ordinary citizen asking another fellow where Bagel Street is! I have to deliver these hats to the Susquehanna hat company!
    Man: [grabs Lou by the lapels]
    Lou Costello: Let go of me!
    Man: [points to Lou’s hat] – is that a
    Lou Costello: yeah!
    Man: [Takes off Lou’s hat and holds it] You know who makes these hats?
    Lou Costello: I don’t know some …
    Man: [interrupting] Child labour! Little girls. 13 – 14 years old. Little girls with curls down their hair. They work 13 – 14 hours a day. They work in a sweatshop all day long. [punches hole through top of hat] Here’s what I think of a
    Lou Costello: [helplessly looking on as man goes crazy ripping his hat apart] seven and a half dollars!!
    Man: Ow!! [he’s just cut his finger] Mmmm [sucking finger]
    Lou Costello: What’s the matter?
    Man: So you put the wire in there to cut my finger? [beating Lou over the head with the hat] Boy! the
    Bud Abbott: Well. You know that’s gonna cost you, you know!
    Lou Costello: Give ‘em back to Dan
    Bud Abbott: Seven dollars and fifty cents! You broke one of Dan’s hats!
    Lou Costello: Look, all I did was put a hat on my head [places another hat on his head] Did I ask the guy to take it off?
    Bud Abbott: That’s enough! It’s the way you ask them!
    Lou Costello: You ask the next guy!
    Bud Abbott: Come on. Never mind. Let’s find Bagel Street!
    [Further down the street]

    Abbott and Costello – Bagel Street
    Abbott and Costello – Bagel Street
    Bud Abbott: Here. Ask this lady where Bagel Street is!
    Lou Costello: Excuse me, lady! Can you tell me where Bagel Street is?
    Lady: Bagel Street? [cries] Ohh, why did you have to remind me of Bagel Street? My husband was killed on Bagel Street, do you hear? My husband was killed on Bagel Street!
    Lou Costello: Well I mean, after all, all I don’t understand this. I wanna go, to the Susquehanna Hat Company!
    Lady: Susquehanna Hat Company??? [cries angrily, takes hat off Lou’s head] – Is that a Susquehanna hat? That’s the same kind of hat my husband was wearing when he was killed! He wouldn’t have lost his life if he had of been wearing a good hat when that safe fell off that 15 storey building – but no! He was wearing a hat like this one. [punches hole through hat] That’s the cheapest hat I ever saw … Oh! My husband’s dead! [runs off crying] He’s Dead! He’s Dead!
    Lou Costello: He ain’t dead lady … he’s hidin’!
    Bud Abbott: Now look!
    Lou Costello: That guy!
    Bud Abbott: Now, just a minute! That’s two hats you’ve broken! Now you know how much you own Derby Dan?
    Lou Costello: How much do I owe Derby Dan?
    Bud Abbott: Fifteen Dollars!
    Lou Costello: Fifteen Dollars?
    Bud Abbott: Yes! [shouting] and STOP insulting women!!!
    Lou Costello: Look! All I asked her was ‘where was Bagel Street!’
    [Young Woman walks up behind Lou]
    Young Woman: Bagel Street? [screams]
    Lou Costello: [punches hole in hat before she has an opportunity]
    Young Woman: Bagel Street? Don’t ever mention that name to me again! I can’t stand it! [takes broken hat and hits Lou over the head with it] BAGEL STREET! [storms off] Oh!
    Bud Abbott: Wait a minute!
    Lou Costello: [picks up hat boxes and looks as if he’s about to throw them away]
    Bud Abbott: Hold that still!
    Lou Costello: Give him back the hats!
    Bud Abbott: Take that box and go on down there and find out where Bagel Street is! [pushes Lou down the street—further down the street – pauses outside china pottery shop]
    Lou Costello: Hey, Eddie.
    Bud Abbott: What?
    Lou Costello: How much do I owe Derby Dan now?
    Bud Abbott: Twenty-two dollars and fifty cents.
    Lou Costello: I’m going to try just one more! [places another hat on head]
    Bud Abbott: Be careful with that one, will you, please!
    Lou Costello: Yes sir!
    Bud Abbott: Hey wait a minute … I’ve got an idea. I’m going to run back to our plumbing shop, and get some of those little business cards of ours, and we can give them away to those society people up in Briarwood.
    Lou Costello: Very good business sense you got Eddie!
    Bud Abbott: But find out where Bagel Street is, please! [Exits scene]
    Lou Costello: OK, I’ll ask another guy that comes along. I’ll ask anybody, I don’t care!
    [Man comes into scene]
    Lou Costello: Excuse me, Mister. Can you please tell me where Bagel Street is?
    Man: [sadly] Bagel Street? Don’t ask me where Bagel Street is … [starts crying] A terrible thing happened to me on Bagel Street [openly sobbing]. I was walking along, minding my own business, and a safe fell off a 15 storey building on my head and killed me!!
    Lou Costello: A safe fell 15 floors on your head and killed you?
    Man: Yeah!! [sobbing]
    Lou Costello: Well, as long as you’re dead then there’s no use asking you where the Susquehanna Hat Company is …
    Man: [loudly] Susquehanna Hat?!? That’s the kind of hat I was wearing when I was killed and …
    Lou Costello: [quickly takes off hat and places it back in the box]
    Man: … and you ask me about a … [takes hat out of box] – this hat?? this hat is not worth wearing and .. [yelling] This is the kind of hat I was killed in! [punches hole through hat]
    Lou Costello: Eddie!
    Man: [beats Lou over head repeatedly with broken hat]
    Lou Costello: Eddie! Eddie!
    Man: [screaming] You’re asking me about … [pauses] I’m so sorry [calmly]. I .. I .. I think I’ve broken your hat!
    Lou Costello: You think you’ve broken it?
    Man: Yeah
    Lou Costello: This is the fourth Susquehanna Hat I…
    Man: [yelling] Susquehanna! [grabs vase and breaks it over Lou’s head—Shop proprietor, an older Italian man named Luigi, comes out to see what the commotion is about]
    Luigi: What are you doing? Help! Police! Help! Help! Help!
    Cop: What’s going on here?
    Luigi: Ah, this fellow here, this big fellow, is trying to take it on the little fellow, my friend
    Cop: [grabbing man] Come on!
    Luigi: Lock him up!
    Man: [Smiling] You can’t take me to Jail!
    Cop: Oh no?
    Man: I’m dead!! [laughs] You can’t take me to jail!
    Cop: Oh yes I can! Come on!
    Man: I’m Dead! [laughing hysterically] Ha ha ha ha!
    Cop: [drags crazy man off to jail]
    Luigi: He’s crazy!
    Lou Costello: He’s crazy!
    Luigi: Yeah! What can I do now for you, Albert?
    Lou Costello: Luigi, How can I get to the Susquehanna Hat Company?
    Luigi: Susquehanna! Susquehanna!
    Lou Costello: Luigi!
    Luigi: [Runs in shop, reappears with axe and smashes all the vases on display!]
    Lou Costello: [grabs hat boxes and runs off]

    Cheers,
    Ante

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Wow, you did this bit early, this is my favorite bit by Abbot & Costello — I’ve mentioned Susquenna Hat Company before on the site… Love this!

      • Ante Galic says:
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        Grey!!

        Thanks, man! It means a lot. Good luck all of your teams – may your runs be plenty (on the hitting side) and may your Ks be abundant (on the pitching side).

        Cheers,
        Ante

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          SUSQUENNHA HAT COMPANY?!

  5. kelyeh says:
    (link)

    Hi Grey,

    Very nice articles & always enjoy reading them.

    In my 12 teams roto league, I am having Senzel on my NA and I need to move and put him in my roster asap. I currently am having Andrelton Simmons, Eduardo Escobar and Marcus Semien in my team as main “hits” contributors (hits and avg are 2 offensive categories, among others).

    Who do you think I should drop in order to move up Senzel?

    thank you!

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      Semien and Simmons are pretty close. I’d lose Semien.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Thanks! I’d lose Simmons

  6. Sourdoughbred says:
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    Imagine Voits heartbreak when his two run jack doesn’t even get a lonely pun in today’s writeup.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      So taken for granted

  7. Wonderk1nd says:
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    Sell high on Chavis or senzel? Or just hold these guys and see where it goes?
    I have a hard time believing Pedroia/Nunez/holt will cut into Chavis playing time

    • Baby Seal says:
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      HOLD! You should be getting at least 110% value if you trade em

    • Cram It says:
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      Depends what you can get.

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      Agree with Cram

      • Wonderk1nd says:
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        I could get guys like Felipe Vasquez, Robert Osuna, Carlos Carrasco, Juan soto

        I could use the help in the OF and pitching, I have Machado and villar for 2B and 3B

        • Cram It says:
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          If by “guys like”, you mean actually those guys, I would take Soto for Chavis in a heartbeat.

          • Wonderk1nd says:
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            That is what I mean, thanks!

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Yes, Soto

  8. Mike Blythe says:
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    Have to drop one of these guys to make room for Meadows: Haniger or Domingod. Or would you drop Meadows?

    Thanks

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Domingo

  9. Racehorse says:
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    Do I drop Renato Nunez or Inciarte … for either David Fletcher or Ronny Rod ?

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      I’d hold

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      Agree with DT

  10. Brett says:
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    Drop Verdugo or Tim Beckham for Chris Taylor?

    Thanks

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      I’d hold

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Agree with DT

  11. Bobby says:
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    Betts and Torres or Bregman and Benintendi? Which side wins for a keeper league? Thanks for your time.

    • Baby Seal says:
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      Close call but I like Bregman side

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      Betts for me but it’s fair