Francisco Rodriguez was removed from the closer job, because he was being sued by a dumpster fire for trademark infringement. A portion of the deposition transcript follows:
“Is it true that you were passing an alleyway behind a Subway sandwich shop in late-March when you remarked to your friend, Nicholas Castellanos, that you thought it would be cool to also be a dumpster fire?”
“Leading the witness.”
“I’ll rephrase. What did you say to Nicholas Castellanos when you saw a dumpster fire?”
“I could be that.”
“That dumpster fire?”
“Yes! It was aglow like E.T.’s finger! I am the Icarus of refuse!” So, Francisco Rodriguez is out, and Justin Wilson is in as the Tigers’ closer. I’d guess the Tigers will try to go back to K-Rod at some point, but I’d also think it won’t turn out any better, and Wilson will end up being a solid closer, maybe even a Donkeycorn. I’d grab Wilson in all leagues. Then, there’s the case of Mark Melancon, who was DL’d due to an injury near his forearm. “But I just learned it’s not a Hard C!” That’s a Giants fan. This might be me overreacting, but an injury near a forearm for a closer sounds like trouble. There’s been some disagreement about who will take over, and I grabbed Hunter Strickland and Derek Law where I could, but I’m also like Pookie for SAGNOF, fiending for saves. *smacks veins* Give me more setup men! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners (0 walks), 9 Ks, ERA at 5.44. Ah, yes, there it is again, the fantasy baseball owners’ cartoon expletive, Samard%#*&@!
Buster Posey – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, and 2nd game in a row with a homer. Posey’s having a big series in Metco, but, like any visiting Posey, keep him away from Reyes, Familia, Harvey and Mets’ management that stands by while a pernicious culture subsists.
Michael Conforto – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer. …going to a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Conforto!
T.J. Rivera – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting over-.350 in the last week with a home run in that time. He’s been playing every day, and I’m as crazy for him as someone can be about a player with no real speed or power.
Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.18. Props to anyone that started Wheeler because the Stream-o-Nator was all about it, but I saw that, and was like, “I yeah yo.” See, when I talk to myself, I don’t need to form coherent sentences, because I know what I’m saying in my head.
James McCann – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, hitting .157. Who knows what will happen with his luck, but I just looked at his peripherals and there’s very little to be discouraged about. Line drives, hard contact, walks and fly balls are up; Ks and BABIP are down. He could be a .240 hitter with 18 HRs this year, and I’ve changed my opinion about him. He McCann!
Robbie Ray – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 4.14. Eff you, Regression Fairies.
Aaron Nola – Will make a rehab start today in Triple-A Lehigh Valley. Fun fact! While visiting this Triple-A affiliate, French tourists ask for directions to “The High Valley” thinking their Google translator messed up.
Jerad Eickhoff – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, EAR at 4.76 vs. Ariel Miranda – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.20. This was a matchup billed as, “Grey doesn’t understand the attraction to either of these pitchers.” As you can imagine, not that many people call it this.
Aaron Altherr – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .343. Sure to be benched again, because the Phils really need to get into the lineup…um…hmm…Who do the Phils need to get into the lineup that keeps pushing Altherr to the bench? Just play him!
Tommy Joseph – 1-for-2, 2 runs, and his 3rd homer. Yes, after every one of his homers I’ve said more or less a version of, “This could be his breakout finally,” but, ya know, it could be. I’m cyclops’ing, yo.
Robinson Cano – Homered, but left the game with a quad strain. No word yet on a DL stint, so Robinson-may close down for ten days, or we Macy something else. Department store puns!
Ben Gamel – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .362. Zoinks! Hot schmotato alert!
Jake Arrieta – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.35. My schmohawk posts this year have been slightly less slam dunky as past years (McCutchen, Arrieta and CarGo have been garbage; Yelich and Murphy still need help to suck). Arrieta, however, needs a good two months to get back to where you thought he’d be, and he looks so far away from the pitcher he once was.
Mark Reynolds – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. No jokes, if you don’t own Reynolds for just his home games, you’re not playing this thing the right way.
Javier Baez – 2-for-8, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .260. Finally moved up to the six hole for the 2nd game of the doubleheader, but, of course, Maddon is still ludicrous, batting a one-day callup as the cleanup hitter (Candelario).
John Lackey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks in Coors, ERA at 4.29. This sonavabenching was so obvious. The writing was on the wall, and then the mom from 13 Reasons Why took photos of the writing, showed it to me, and I still didn’t believe it. In. Credible.
Antonio Senzatela – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.86. See what I said 1/8th of an inch above, or 3 inches above if talking to a girl.
Koda Glover – Ready for a rehab assignment, and should be back by this weekend. Let’s see, Dusty Baker is currently juggling three potential closers (Romero, Albers, Treinen), Kelley is due back on Friday and Glover right after that. So, Joe Blanton will get the next save, because Dusty.
Enny Romero – 1 IP, 2 ER and the blown save, which caused me to send out my favorite tweet that no one liked. I’m gonna tell myself it was too highbrow.
Guessing Dusty Baker goes with Meeny, Miney or Moe in the next save situation.
— Razzball (@Razzball) May 10, 2017
Daniel Murphy – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .333. As mentioned above in the Arrieta blurb on the aforementioned tip, Murphy’s denying me a perfect score so far, or sofa if a couch is reading.
Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.59. Member all that nonsense in the preseason about his knuckle? I’m convinced it’s best to turn out all preseason chatter, aside from players who are out for more than a month.
Zach Britton – Shut down for 45-60 days. That sounds like “I’m probably done for the season, but will hold out hope.” Really bums me out that I didn’t grab Brad Brach in a few of my leagues. Need to take my mind off it. *reaches into Cougs’ pocketbook for candy, pulls out a Brach’s hard candy* Dah!
Steven Souza – Held out of the lineup due to a thumb injury. Beginning to think Souza was so last month, and this month it’s all about Colby Rasmus (1-for-3, 2 runs).
David Price – Threw a 4-inning simulated game. The robots were unable to score in the bottom of the third, after filling the bases.
Drew Pomeranz – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.23. A) I told you not to draft him. There’s no other letters.
Mookie Betts – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .304. Mookie Ballgame!
Keon Broxton – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (8), hitting .258. Apparently, I should’ve held longer before dropping Broxton. Okay, point taken, but I’m still glad to be one ‘xton lighter.
Julio Urias – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.06. Okay, okay, okay, I have room for you with Severino and McCullers in my BFF circle. Get in here!
Andrew Toles – Left with what appeared to be a leg injury. Shucks, I guess Bellinger will have to play two positions.
Kennys Vargas – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, two homers in his last two games, and four homers in the last nine games and…Okay, that’s all I got about new Kung Fu Kennys. Kennys is hot, all of them, but they do not play every day so you need to platoon them.
Carlos Correa – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .263. Correa’s bomb was off Bartolo, which made me think of something. Member how Dennis Rodman went to North Korea as a personal guest of Kim Jong? Doesn’t Bartolo feel like the type that will do the same once he retires? Korean translator, “His Supreme Highness Command Leader would like you to join him for dinner.” Colon nods, “Everything at Taco Bell that is Supreme has sour cream, is it the same here?”
Charlie Morton – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks , ERA at 3.63. I’m the opposite of a Morton truther. I just don’t get the attraction to him. Sorry.
Carlos Beltran – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .252. He homered off Colon, likely due to Colon’s unfamiliarity to C-Belt.
Josh Reddick – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. In the right matchups, Reddick is great. In bad matchups, use a topical.
Gary Sanchez – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer, hitting .270. Drafting a catcher in the first six rounds is really paying off now!
Didi Gregorius – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .313. Who rock the spot? Didi. You know how the schmotatoes go, unbelievable.
Dee Gordon – 1-for-4 as he was moved to the nine hole. Sigh. This is the 2nd year in a row this schmohawk is effin’ me in the eff hole. Can’t believe I went back in on him. If he stays in the nine hole, he’s about as valuable as Jarrod Dyson.
Dan Straily – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.03. Definitely has had a few stellar games, but he’s also had some real six-weeks of Odor-ous ones too. I’d continue to use Stream-o-Nator for him.
Aaron Sanchez – Says he’s on track to start on Sunday. He’s recovering from a split nail on his finger. An injury that could only sideline a major league pitcher and Steve Wiebe.
Troy Tulowitzki – Nearing rehab games. “Rehab games” are Tulo’s Regal Beagle.
Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.86. See what I said for Scherzer and put that broken record on repeat.
Yan Gomes – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .239. Guron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie, Superior!
Jharel Cotton – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.68. Where did he come from and when can he go? Cotton Eye Jharel.
Yonder Alonso – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and two more homers (10, 11). Okay, I buy the change in approach and all of that, but I have one small, crazy question: WHY DIDN’T YOU CHANGE YOUR APPROACH 6 YEARS AGO?!
Yunel Escobar – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 3rd homer in the last three games. Hot schmotato alert!
Ben Revere – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Some eyewitnesses said Revere’s home run looked like it went 275 feet, then Denard Span grabbed it and threw it over the fence.
A.J. Griffin – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Don’t even need to look at the Stream-o-Nator to know this was a good matchup. Guys and five ladies, it was vs. the Padres. Their 2nd best hitter is a 45-way tie with players, coaches and the equipment manager.
Joey Gallo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .205. Somewhere, Adam Dunn is clearing a forest with his blue ox and nodding his head in appreciation of Gallo’s year.
Robinson Chirinos – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .294. If I would’ve drafted Chirinos, and didn’t touch him all year, I’d be doing better on all of my teams.
Ryan Rua – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .173. I call him The Asian Lion, because that’s what his last name sounds like. Rua!
Jered Weaver – 3 IP, 7 ER. Weaver should retire already and play frisbee golf. Frisbee Golf Caddy, “You can’t make that shot, Jered. There’s a tree blocking the way.” Frisbee Golf Announcer, “This is his only chance of missing wood.” Weaver pitches so slow, his pitches add an extra ten minutes to every game. If Weaver was on the Red Sox and Machado hit a HR off him, the pitch plus trot time could be an hour.