I had the worst intro to a post in my head and because of OCD and other complicated factors I kinda have to do it now. The worst intro ever to any post ever written: It’s time we talked about (insert subject). Hey, Awkward Intro Sentence, how about you just talk about the subject and stop talking about how it’s time we talk about it! This…this whole talking about a terrible intro for an extended period of time? It’s much worse! I’ve worsened the worst! Luckily, we’re going from worsening of the worst to one of the best of the last three months. So, it’s time we talk about (side-eye) Logan Webb. On one breaking pitch to Jonathan Villar, it was like, “Bye-bye for now, you’re no longer needed.” Speaking of breaking:

Yesterday, Logan Webb went 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.92, and he has the 2nd best ERA in the major leagues in the last three months (1.64). Only pitcher’s ERA that is better since May is Jacob deGrom. He’s only allowed 17 earned runs since May 1st! That’s 64 IP, and 11 starts. The thing about his ERA too, it’s not all smoke and mirrors. He’s a 9.5 K/9, 2.7 BB/9 guy, which isn’t quite an ace, but it’s not far off from a fantasy three with two leanings, i.e., May not be Breaking Bad-level good, but he’s definitely a bad man who is breaking good. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Evan Longoria – 3-for-3 and his 10th homer. Hasn’t done much since his return from the IL, but if facing the Mets won’t start you, being on the Giants will. The 1927 Giants are hashtag blessed, what do you want me to tell you?

Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. Albombso!

Gary Sanchez – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the Covid IL. Must’ve been nice for him to get IL’d without having to take one to the nuts.

Jordan Montgomery – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.77, as he was activated from the Covid IL. His previous two starts were five-inning affairs, which brings me to: Were there more starts this year of five innings or less than any other year?

Luis Gil – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00, as he was recalled from Scranton/Jamaal Wilkes Barre. Out of all the call-ups/activations of the Yankee/Red Sox doubleheader, the Pisces piece, The Gil, is my favorite. Will he remain in the rotation? Seems like he should, but not sure. The only worry is his command can act up, so raises some red flags.

Tanner Houck – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.12, as he was recalled from Worcester. Houck gets recalled once a week, huh? Did he get sent down again yet? He did, didn’t he? Sigh.

Christian Vazquez – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer. Holy crap, he disappears for long stretches. I knew he hadn’t done much recently, but I didn’t realize he had done that little. He really does get crazy hot for the first ten days of a season then disappear. Woo boy! He hit two homers the first week of the season, and, before yesterday, he had two homers since!

Luis Torrens – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer, as he DHs. There should be some kind of rule that if a team uses a catcher to DH more than 20 times in a year, then they’re eliminated from the playoffs. I’m sorry, but you can’t be taken seriously with Torrens DH’ing. And I like Torrens! But as a catcher.

Tyler Anderson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.10. Guess who streamed Tyler Anderson? This guy with two thumbs, wearing an “I’m With Stupid” shirt with an arrow pointing to himself. As for what the Streamonator says, well, he goes to Houston next.

Austin Gomber – Out on paternity leave. Here’s hoping he names his child, Gomben.

Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I was about to start screaming Chazz Noir is a hot schmotato, but he’s rostered in 95% of leagues, and I nearly fell over. At least 85% of those are abandoned, right?

C.J. Cron – 2-for-4, and his 21st homer and 2nd homer in as many games. Or half a homer for Cron and a half a homer for Connor Joe. However your league scores it.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 34th homer. FTJ! Fun the Jewels! Fun would have 45 homers if he were healthy all year, and a legit chance for 60, and he has 40-steal speed. Fun the Jewels is a 60/40 threat.

Jake Cronenworth – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer, his 2nd inside-the-parker of the year, which means nothing, but there ya go. He’s solidly in the conversation for the top 100 overall next year, for what it’s Cronenworth. On the Player Rater, he’s way above that.

Eli Morgan – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.80 vs. Bailey Ober – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.38. This was a matchup of Eli vs. Bailey, and baby names for the last 25 years were a mistake. We have to go back and fix this. Eli vs. Bailey? Is this thumb wrestling in the break room?

Bryce Harper – 1-for-3 and his 22nd homer. Can’t believe I actually considered Harper winning the NL MVP over FTJ. Fun’s the MVP if he doesn’t play another game, and if he doesn’t play another game, I so jinxed him! Ugh, how do I reverse that?

Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.18, with this start vs. the Dbacks. Why is the NL East spending August in the NL West? Are the MLB schedulers new to the sport? Do they dribble when they eat? What is going on?

Gregory Soto – 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.67 in a non-save situation. Kazaam!

Jo Adell – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, a grand slam. Sweet, maybe that kickstarts him…anyway, where the hell is Mike Trout? Two guys — Eloy and Luis Robert — who were supposed to be out all year have returned before the day-to-day Trout.

David Price – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.62. Not to put the blue in Dodger Blue, but he has to be better vs. the Pirates at home. That’s a layup followed by an inbound pass that’s stolen and dunked. Like Flavor of Love, Grey does hoops! If you had better options, I could see moving on.

Heath Hembree – Designated for assignment. You think the biggest idiot in the world, David Bell, might be like, “Hey, Hembree’s not good enough for the majors? That’s weird, I named him my closer for two months this season.”

Codi Heuer – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.44, as he got the 1st save. Of course, the Cubs didn’t go with Wick. Of course, they didn’t. They likely won’t even go with Heuer again, because they’re such cheap bastards they want to suppress everyone’s contract value. Though, I do enjoy how Heuer sounds like Karen Hill screaming in the apartment intercom. “Janice Rossi is a Heuer!”

Ian Happ – 3-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .186. I wish my team was like Ian: Happ-less.

Kyle Hendricks – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.04 vs. Vladimir Gutierrez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.87. This was a matchup of “Expected to be better” vs. “Expected to be worse” and they were both just kinda there last night. Though, I was shocked to see Hendricks had 14 wins. No one on the Cubs should have a shot at 20 wins. Sure, it’s very remote since he’ll likely only get about six more starts, but still. In most leagues, I’d use Streamonator for both of these guys.

Nick Castellanos – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer, hitting .317. After the highlight played on the diner TV, the Greek God of Hard Contact’s entire family stopped making disco fries and sprayed Windex in the air, and walked through it. A traditional Greek celebration dance.

George Springer – Hit the IL with a sprained knee. George Springer standing on the roof of a house, “I am a glass God!” This should help Randal Grichuk and Corey Dickerson to get more ABs.

Alek Manoah – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.34. Bit selfish of me, but I’m happy as a clam if his price for next year goes down.

Riley Adams – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Saw his name in the box score as “R. Adams” and I was like, “Yeah, Whiskeytown rocks!”

Yadiel Hernandez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .303. That was Yadiel’s first home run off a breaking pitch, entered yesterday slugging .582 on fastballs, and .200 off the junk. “If you’re breaking balls, you’re dealing with the junk.” An Italian baseball coach teaching human anatomy.

Joe RossNats are saying Ross won’t require surgery on his partially torn UCL in his elbow and I’m saying it was nice knowing Joe Ross, and it’s a shame he’s going to try to rehab his elbow because that’s gonna be a waste of 18 months. You might be thinking, “Yeah, famous handsome blogger, Grey Albright, knows more than a world famous doctor.” To which I say, thanks for noticing and I can’t detect sarcasm.

Dylan Carlson – Hit the IL with a wrist sprain. In his place, the Cards will turn to the middle aisle of Sprouts for a Lars Nootbar. “Excuse me, I’ve searched by the candy-coated almonds, but I can’t seem to find your Lars Nootbaar.” Hopefully no one reading this has a *looks both ways, leans in* NOOT ALLERGY!

Corbin Burnes – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.13 vs. Adam Wainwright – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.26. A matchup of two Cy Young contenders, and I’m only half joking. Which half though?

Huascar Ynoa – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.70, as he was activated from the IL. Huascar was so excited to return to the mound that he slammed his fist through a wall. If Ynoa is out there, I’d grab him in all leagues. His next start on the Streamonator isn’t great, but it’s borderline enough that I could even see it. Before he went Chuck Norris on a wall, I gave you a Huascar Ynoa fantasy, so act like Ynoa, MC Lyte.

Austin Riley – 2-for-4 and his 26th homer, hitting .294. In case anyone doesn’t think I liked Austin Riley this year, I wrote an Austin Riley sleeper back when you were still counting your fantasy football losses.

Sandy Alcantara – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.39. Is it me or do you also say Alcantara singing it like Frank Sinatra? It’s me, isn’t it? Mmkay.

Chris Bassitt – Left the game after taking a comebacker off his face. Brutal sound of that comebacker off him. Like a bottom two worst sound in baseball, competing only with the sound of a pitch off a helmet. Hopefully, Bassitt’s okay.

Reynaldo Lopez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.08. Nearly made Lopez the lede today, but Webb’s been great for three months and Lopez has been great for 25 IP, mostly in relief. Though, I grabbed Lopez in a few leagues for him to get a few more starts in the rotation, as the White Sox throttle innings on their other starters. Lopez appears to be in the rotation now for the rest of the season. Did not see that confirmed anywhere though. This is called an educated guess. Like when you say I’m a six and I guess that’s out of a scale of five.

Drew Rasmussen – 4 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.64 and 56 pitches. Rasmussen sounds like the air coming out of me when I saw him not staying in for one more inning.

Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 25th and 26th homer. After the game Nelson Cruz said, “Homering twice in a game is as a thrill now as it was in the 1960s.”

Mike Zunino – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, and five games in a row. I’m cackling at the idea that Zunino breaks Dale Long, Mattingly, Girffey Jr.’s 8-game straight with a home run streak. Already started working on my Buy column that will be available later today on our Patreon, and Zunino isn’t rostered in 50% of leagues and I’m really not sure what to do with all of you. Send me a line, would ya? Which sounds like something Loretta Lynn would say.

John Means – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.44. I keep saying you need to drop him, because he’s not right since his injury, and I keep getting people in the comments like, “Really? But he was so good.” Yeah, you’re talking in past tense. Nah’Means?

Ryan Mountcastle – 1-for-3, as he was activated from the concussion list. Now he has to solve the mystery of who it was that concussed him, was it his ex-lover? The postman? The high school-aged girl who flirts with him and he tries to remain distant but there’s weird tension that eventually gets him fired after he solves the case, which makes for an up-then-down ending and a perfect catapult into season three?