Kyle Tucker (2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer) has three asses, because he’s — count them with me now — an unassuming assassin.
— Razzball (@Razzball) May 18, 2022
That photo of him brings me so much joy. He’s like, “I’m on your fantasy team? Okay, cool.” He looks like he just let out a fart, and only he knows it. Using one of his three asses, I presume. This Kyle Tucker assault was brought to you initially by Nathan Eovaldi (1 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.32) as he gave up five homers, all in the 2nd inning. Apparently, Manfred tried to work the 2019 ball back into circulation. Also, in this game, not simply Eovaldi — Nothan? Novaldi? Meh, maybe now’s not the time for portmanteaus — Yordan Alvarez (2-for-4, 3 runs) hit his 12th homer. Captain Woo Cubano gonna star in Dongs Just Wanna Have Fun; Yuli Gurriel (2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 3rd, and 3rd homer in the last five days for the smoldering schmotato; Jeremy Pena (2-for-5) hit his 7th for a nice welcome-back-old-friend to the lineup and to the New England area (he’s from Are-Eye); Michael Brantley (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer, and I just thought of something, everyone on the Astros is better than that former Astros player Carlos Correa. Bummer for him! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Rafael Devers – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Manfred testing out the super-tight-stitch ball in Boston is a welcome sight. Please, Manfred, can we have some more?
J.D. Martinez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Just Dong, because anything else would be uncivilized.
Tucker Davidson – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (3 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 5.87, as he was recalled. The only way to be a Braves’ pitching prospect is to pitch inconceivably well for a few starts, then incredibly awful for a few and get sent down. No Elder words need to be spoken.
Adrian Houser – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.22. If Eovaldi were coached by the Brewers’ coaches, instead of five 2nd inning homers, he would’ve thrown an immaculate inning. That’s just science, friend.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .211. Prolly best he put to bed the home run ‘selfie’ celebration, since Ozuna hasn’t had so much luck recently being on camera.
Brandon Lowe – Diagnosed with a stress reaction in his lower back, and will likely miss at least four to six weeks. Too bad his name wasn’t Brandon Healthy. This gives Vidal Brujan room to play, and get benched for no reason.
Brett Phillips – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!
Kevin Kiermaier – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Is it me or do the Rays have more players than any other team who you don’t want for fantasy but do want for real baseball ? (It’s not me.)
Randy Arozarena – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .230. The Rice Bowl with the carbo-booster!
Jeimer Candelario – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .203. How about that sleeper?! *dodges tomato* My bad! *tomato hits head* Ow!
Connor Overton – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.82. Okay, clearly, I need to give this guy a better look. *looks at his stats* Blech. I mean, I guess, fine, Streamonator, but what I think is going on is he’s a homer-prone pitcher and right now no one is giving up homers. Well, except Eovaldi.
Tyler Naquin – 2-for-4, 2 runs and ha slam (3) and legs (3), hitting around .350 in the last week, could be heating up. My biggest takeaway from the Reds’ game was their leadoff hitter, Friedl was hitting .172, and tried to bunt to get on base in his first at-bat. The first at-bat of the game. He was bunting. With two strikes! I’d laugh if that wasn’t so sad. I’m not feeling very Friedly, and now he’s ruining Fribbles for me too.
Alexis Diaz – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.52, and his 1st save. He’s got closer blood! As in his brother, Edwin, is the Mets’ closer. Maybe the Reds can trade Alexis for a top ten prospect who doesn’t work out. So, I don’t think a 50-win team like the Reds are worth speculating on in all leagues, and this Diaz save was only brought on by Art Warren (1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 7.11) pitching in the 9th like Art that is feces thrown against the wall.
Owen Miller – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .296. It’s appropriate his first name sounds like a yawn.
Keegan Thompson – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (zero walks), 5 Ks, ERA at 1.41, as he threw 65 pitches. Not being stretched (yet) was my hesitation on Keegan yesterday vs. the Pirates. His overall yawnstipating numbers (7.6 K/9, 2.8 BB/9) are why I’m not that interested in general. For what it’s Cronenworth, Streamonator hates his next start, but I wouldn’t go that far.
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (2), hitting .241. Fun fact! Jonathan is from Villa Los Slam y Leggos. It’s a small village dotted with multiple Denny’s locations.
Chad Kuhl – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.86. Kuhl got smoked and the finish wasn’t even minty smooth.
Alex Cobb – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.61. A win *dramatic pause, shakes fist at heavens* but at what cost?!
Reid Detmers – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.15. “You brought us out for this crap?” That’s Johnny Vander Meer’s family who was in attendance.
Taylor Ward – 1-for-5 and his 9th homer, hitting .376. What kind of odds could you get that the Angels would have another MVP this year, but it wouldn’t be Ohtani or Trout? Give me some of that action!
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. Find a hotter schmotato, I’ll wait (I won’t wait).
Cody Poteet – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.43. I feel like when a manager pulls a guy with 4 2/3 IP, it’s such a slap in the face to everyone out here trying to earn a win in our fantasy leagues. As for Poteet, says here that a Poteet is the sound of a qweef.
Jesus Sanchez – 1-for-2 and his 4th homer. What’s worse than never producing and sitting? Actually producing as a pinch-hitter, hence on fantasy benches. “Jesus, you’ve failed us!” I scream outside of a church, just waiting for someone to approach me so I can say, “…talking about that dirty Sanchez.”
Aaron Judge – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer. If I were the Yankees, I’d be like, “Fine, we’ll give you $50 million, but for one year, and, if you lead the majors in homers the following year, we will give you another $50 mill one-year contract, and keep doing that until one of us blinks.”
Jose Berrios – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.83. I didn’t verbally say this to anyone, but I had in the back of my mind that if Berrios couldn’t stifle the offensively-challenged Mariners, I would need to seriously consider dropping Berrios in shallower leagues.
Mike Clevinger – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.21, and MacKenzie Gore (3 IP, 0 ER, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.17) relieved him, and, as much as it pains my fantasy soul to say, this makes the most sense for the Padres going forward, as long as all their starters are healthy, i.e., is Snell re-injured yet?
Josh Winder – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.68. Don’t feed rookie pitchers after midnight, and don’t leave them in your lineup in case they’re randomly sent out to pitch. Young boy raises his hand, “But what about MacKenzie Gore?” Don’t question me and my Wisdom…*points at Patrick Wisdom on fantasy team*
Eduardo Escobar – 3-for-7 and his 2nd homer, and has reached base in six of the last 12 plate appearances, and is finally starting to get hot. Still a big fan of him in that lineup, likely more so than I should be, but at least schmotato, if someone had dropped him when cold.
Paul Goldschmidt – 4-for-9, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Au Shizz!
Miles Mikolas – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.68. The hard matchups that he doesn’t win, but keeps close are more encouraging than these positive affirmations I keep saying in the mirror.
Salvador Perez – Hit the IL with a sprained thumb. *Seinfeld eating popcorn GIF* “That’s a shame.” MJ Melendez! Everyday at-bats! And he hit his first homer yesterday! LFGGGGGGGGGG!!! *shaking cage Cougs keeps me to write these roundups* Give me MJ!!!
Brady Singer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Here’s a story of a lovely lady–Sorry, force of habit with Brady Singer. Streamonator hates Singer, in general. I don’t mind him as much, but I also have little faith. It’s like relying on Cindy Brady to get on camera. A very new, hip reference.
Dylan Cease – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.09. As someone who watched this game, I can attest that he looked ugly. Not literally. His mustache is beautiful, and I would accept him into my family. But, yeah, he was pretty hittable. Hopefully, it was just him throwing to contact against a bad team, and nothing more.
Christian Walker – 3-for-7, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, and three homers in two games. Walker’s Statcast looks like the cast of any Hollywood clandestine meeting, a bunch of Reds! Take that you, libs! Also, you can wait until Walker cools off, but not the smartest move by you.
Alek Thomas – 3-for-8 and his 2nd homer. Al Tom has power and speed, and should be hitting in the top third of the lineup, but the Real World/Road Rules’ All-Star, Torey Lovullo, is still trying to figure out what he has in Pavin Smith. *whispers* Nothing.
Tyler Anderson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.04. A halfway decent Dodgers pitcher who stays healthy will win 15+ games. That’s my pledge to you, that I hope you remember if I’m right, and forget if I’m wrong.
Justin Turner – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs, and his 3rd homer. Didn’t make a big deal out of Justin Turner being in last week’s BSH video. Available still at our Youtube page. Please subscribe, we need to get to 1,000 to monetize it. I won’t mention subscribing again after you get us there. Only you can get us there, and stop me from talking about it. Click subscribe on this page. Any hoo! Turner was last week’s Hold. I said to Hold him because redheads scare me. Not true! I kid! Cougs is a redhead. Though, now the carpet matches my first name–Any hoo on the hoo-ha! Turner can’t not be valuable — unvaluable? Invaluable? — in that lineup. Also, in the Dongers’ double-dip day, Treat Urner (3-for-8, 2 runs, 5 RBIs) hit his 2nd homer. I was asked how would the dead ball affect hitters, and I answered by hemming and hawing. Well-thought hemming and hawing, naturally. What I should’ve said is guys with 17 to 20-homer power could now have 10 to 12-homer power. Also, during the Dodgers’ day at the Dong Factory, brought us Will Smith (1-for-4) and his 3rd homer. He got alopecia that! Next on the Dodgers Dongs Day Out, Mookie Betts (3-for-7, 5 runs, 2 RBIs) is looking like he’s figured out the dead ball. Maybe he can share it with Cody Bellinger (0-for-5, 1 run, hitting .194), though he doesn’t seem like he could understand a damn thing. Ya know, maybe Bellinger’s struggling for so long because coaches tell him what to change and he just very stonedly says, “Huh?” Honestly, have we considered Bellinger just might be dumb as rocks?