On a chalkboard someone has written, “K/9 Revolutionaries — Donuts in back, the kind of donuts you can eat.”  In a semi-circle, Patrick Corbin, Gerrit Cole, and Garrett Richards discuss a knuckle curve.  “If you dig your index finger in like you’re Richard Gere trying to get a gerbil out–”  When Kyle Gibson walks in, startling them.  “What’s up, guys?”  The other pitchers frantically hide their K/9 Revolution propaganda; Richards tries to wipe down the chalkboard but the eraser is just streaking the writing, then Michael Pineda appears, wipes pine tar over the chalkboard writing and leaves from where he came.  So, they don’t want Kyle Gibson part of the K/9 Revolution, but he looks like he might be down for the cause.  Yesterday, he went 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 10 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.33.  His 10 K/9 would be an easy career high. This follows a trend we saw with Gibson last year in the 2nd half of the year.  He’s not doing it with gas either.  He’s dropping well-meaning, nonchalant off-speed pitches.  He scaled back his slider usage, but it’s working much better in a lesser-seen capacity, and his curve he’s using more — outside the zone.   This has upped his walks, but the number of swings he’s generated outside the zone has leaped like 12 lords.  His pitches may lack command, but the K/9 Revolutionaries should put him in charge of at least the northern border to guard against Ontario, eh.  And if you think the K/9 Revolutionaries are not real, this year 35% of plate appearances have ended without the ball in play, and, for the first time in the history of baseball, we’ve played nearly a month with more strikeouts than hits (h/t Joe Sheehan).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Fernando Rodney – 0 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.75.  This was his third straight blown save, but he had two straight saves prior to that, so, as far as Rodney goes, he’s living up to expectations.  *pulls back imaginary arrow, shoots fantasy baseball team in heart*  Obviously Addison Reed should be owned.

Eduardo Escobar – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .303.  Hasn’t been putting on a light show or anything, but, in one deeper league, he’s served his purpose.  That’s all for now at Escobar.Edu.

Andrew Miller – Hit the DL with a hamstring strain.  So many hammy problems this year early on, they should rename that FX show, The (Hamstring) Strain.  I still wouldn’t watch it, however.

Steven Matz – Will remain in the Mets’ rotation.  However, Mickey Callaway didn’t confirm it; he just held up a picture of a burning dumpster.

Ivan Nova – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.32.  He was the Stream-o-Nator‘s Pick It to Not Stink It yesterday.  Hope you didn’t let yourself down anymore than when you sold Apple stock at $17 a share in 2002.

Jung-ho Kang – Was granted a work visa to play again in the U.S.  To celebrate, Kang did a shot of shoju, donned only a barrel and walked into North Korea with a sign that read, “I come in pees.”

Leonys Martin – 2-for-4, hitting .287.  In a surprise to no one, Leonys will be in this afternoon’s Buy.  It’s a hoot and/or holler.

Michael Fulmer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.76.  The nine strikeouts are great, but tré unusual and I don’t have a ton of love for Fulmer, but, with that said (Grey’s turning this ship around!), Stream-o-Nator likes his next start.

Noah Syndergaard – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.86 vs. Carlos Martinez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.43.  This matchup lived up to its billing, “They’re Great, Save Your Keystrokes.”

Tommy Pham – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 1 RBI, 1 caught stealing, hitting .368.  He has four caught stealings in nine attempts.  Been listening to too much Jane’s Addiction.

Matt Koch – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.93.  After the game, Koch said, “You’re gonna vote for Dave Dinkins, are you crazy?” in his trademark nasally voice.  Koch has good control (of The City’s resources), but his stuff is pretty flat, and is barely a NL-Only guy.

Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .197.  Okay, cool, cool, but not why I drafted you.  Stay in your lane and stick to steals!

David Peralta – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .317.  Yo, how am I still getting questions about picking up Peralta?  I said in the 1st week of the season, I love Peralta.  You shouldn’t need three weeks to pick up a guy, unless you’re in a monthly league or Gitmo.  You the King of Clubs?  You’re not the King of Clubs.  You’re barely a six of hearts.

Nick Ahmed – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Oh.  Okay.  *looks at Francisco Lindor’s stats, dives out window, lands five feet down in rosebush*  DAH!!!

C.J. Cron – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .264.  Yo, I haven’t started Cron once in the league where I own him.  And you’re asking me for advice.  EL OH–Nah, but for real, I screwed up, I think.  Maybe Eduardo Escobar over him wasn’t the move.  Mea culpa, my Latin friends.  Oh, and, of course, Cron will be in this afternoon’s Buy.

Wilson Ramos – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .262.  He heard all of youse asking about dropping him.  Take it back (and him).

Mallex Smith – 2-for-3, 1 RBI and his 5th steal.  I’ve been carrying Mallex for a few weeks now.  Not sure about your leagues, but steals are a hot commodity in mine.  By the by, he’s hitting .353 on the year to, ya know, 2nd place in the AL in batting.

Joey Wendle – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .338.  Go ahead, Mr. Wendle.

Chris Archer – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.61.  You know how Rodney does the imaginary archery pose to end saves?  Yeah, cause Rodney is so bad that the best pitcher he can imagine himself as is Archer.

Dylan Bundy – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 2.97.  The Regression Fairies faint at the sight of mismatched socks, they saw Lou Bega in concert and they will destroy your ratios.

Devon Travis – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .155.  Look what a little “benching for Gurriel” will do to a man’s desire to better himself.  Or this is the one home run for Travis a month.  Either scenario may apply.

Justin Smoak – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer.  If I may gather a general consensus from the comments, you’re not giving Smoak enough leash.  If shizz is sideways mid-May, then we can be worried.

J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .306.  Just Dong because who else is going to?

Mike Clevinger – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.56.  Projection systems hate Clevinger, for what it’s worth.  I went to look at his player page (click his name) and looked at his ROS projections and was blown away at how underwhelming they were.  His K/9 is pretty hideous too.  I might be bailing on him in 12-team mixed leagues.  We’ll see how Jack Flaherty looks.  Okay, now I’m literally writing down my inner monologue like a Kanye tweet.

Yonder Alonso – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .220.  30 homers is the Over/Yonder.

James Paxton – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.12.  Before we start celebrating that Paxton is back, it’s worth noting this start might have had as much to do with how bad the Indians look.

Domingo Santana – 2-for-3 and his 1st steal, hitting .244.  He’s not in this afternoon’s Buy, because I think he’s owned in too many leagues for the cutoff (50% in ESPN).  If he’s available in your league consider this your wink, wink, nudge, nudge, that he should be owned.

Chase Anderson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.86.  The big takeaway from Chase Anderson is we shouldn’t have judged him after two starts.  See, a teachable moment.

Kyle Hendricks – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.10.  He’s a bit of a machine with how identical his peripherals are from year to year.  Not sure why I didn’t trust him coming into this year (I know; this isn’t a cue to remind me), but he looks like the usual, ground ball-inducing, 7.8-ish K/9, 3.50-ish ERA pitcher.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer.  I’m happy for him, really, I am.  I hope he and Joe Buck make beautiful babies.  But Happ should not be sitting for Albert Almora!

Matt Davidson – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer.  Davidson’s like, “Here’s where you can put your Tuffy Rhodes takes.”

Yoan Moncada – 3-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting .264.  I’m surprised he only has six homers because it feels like he’s hit about two dozen of them.  It’s bizarre how quiet the hype gets on some guys.  He is a 22-year-old who is on pace for a 40/30 season and he was a top prospect last year.   Basically, Acuña last year.

Jorge Soler – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .279.  Okay, so a little underwhelming, but not when you consider he’s doing it while in the best shape of his life.

Jake Junis – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.34.  Not cool, Regression Fairies, and to think I was going to give you my Lady Bird screener.

Ronald Acuna – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run, an absolute bomb.  ACUÑA is INSAÑE!  I need more shares!  Also, the shares I do have I’d love to get into my lineup.  Damn you, weekly lineups!

Ozzie Albies – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer.  Elias Sports Bureau said the last time two players born in 1997 homered in the same game was 2022, because we’re not that old, stop lyin’.

Arodys Vizcaino – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 2nd save, ERA at 1.54.  He got the save today because Minter was rested, or maybe because Vizcaino was rested yesterday.  Not sure.

Sean Newcomb – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.23.  Slow day, so let’s dig in with Newcomb.  Ew, head lice!  Sorry, literal brain.  Newcomb’s K/9, BB/9 and xFIP respectively:  11.1, 4.6, 3.59.  Fastball velocity is down, but still hovering around 93 MPH, has abandoned his slider and throwing a change a lot.  His ERA indicates a buy low situation, but only relatively, he’s still walking a lot of guys (though less than previous years).  Next year, he will be ranked way too high by me as he enters his third season.

Joey Votto – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and third in as many games.  Too bad you sold him for Miguel Andujar and two tickets to see Infinity War, but there’s always next year!

Eugenio Suarez – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL.  He was on the DL for two weeks with a fractured thumb.  Okay, I’m not a doctor or anything, but I am a guy who complains players are out longer than they should.  This, however, is the quickest healing man in the history of the world.  Yo, Eugenio, you Prometheus who regenerated his liver after a hard night of drinking?  The Mayo Clinic should shave off skin from Eugenio’s thumb and put it in a beaker with cancer cells and watch what happens, because I’d expect good things.