“Keep on go on wondering why, I got out of bed at all,” which are the lyrics for Thank You by Dido, which was the chorus for Stan by Eminem, and I want to thank you, Kwang-Hyun Kim (7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.63) as he was activated from the IL after having kidney problems, and to misquote Eminem, “I Stan Kim.” Actually, here’s Eminem singing The Golden Girls theme song, “Stan Kim for pitching a gem.” Eminem is a big Golden Girls fan, obvi. Any hoo! What a year by Kim, whoa. He has 24 consecutive scoreless innings, and has allowed only one home run all year. Granted, he’s only thrown 28 2/3 IP all year, has allowed only two earned runs all year, and that’s less than a month of a regular season. But, wow, what a year! We’ll leave it at that. Will Eminem, or us for that matter, be singing The Golden Girls theme song, “Stan Kim for pitching a gem” in 2021? That seems less likely. His peripherals are not particularly inspiring, but for this year *genuflects* Stan Kim, Stan Kim, Stan Kim. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Austin Dean – Hit the IL with an elbow strain. Dean’s elbow ligaments are yelling, “You’re tearing me apart!”
Ryan Helsley – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 8.59, and the blown save. Then, in game two of the doubleheader, Tyler Webb (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.30) got the save. Mean’s while, staring into the abyss, I sigh, expecting Andrew Miller to get the majority of the saves for St. Louis. They do have to play 30 games in the next ten days, so it could be an all hands on deck-type scenario for closer. Like The Love Boat, but with Captain SAGNOF.
Corbin Burnes – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.98. Burnes is a top 30 starter next year? Easily? Top 20? No? No need to answer; you can just shake your head; I can see you. *leans out from behind a tree* Hey.
Cole Hamels – Will return on Wednesday vs. the Orioles. “Fried…Orioles?” That’s Sandoval really enjoying his new team’s upcoming schedule. Hamels won’t be worth owning anywhere, so *raspberries lips* “Are those lips made of raspberries?” Okay, enough, Sandoval!
Ryan Mountcastle – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. He’s firmly in the top 100 overall next year, right? I’m asking because I love him and that might be clouding my judgment.
DJ Stewart – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 3rd homer in the last six games, and, yo, DJ pump that hot schmotato party!
Jose Iglesias – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .370 and has a .504 slugging, even if that was his first homer. Iglesias is having a career
year (100 at-bats).
Marcus Semien – 2-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. It’s a white knuckle adventure for the other team when Semien gets hot, which also sounds like a 1950s Sex Ed pamphlet.
Stephen Piscotty – Out with a knee sprain. When asked how long he’d be sidelined, Piscotty didn’t know, but screamed it repeatedly in third person.
Mike Minor – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.40. I’m fascinated in finding out if 7-inning games work in a pitcher’s favor, because they know they only have to go seven vs. nine. Also, I think 7-inning doubleheaders might be out next year, so I’m not that fascinated.
Jake Lamb – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. That ball for Lamb went bah bah back.
Jose Marmolejos – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer. Hadn’t seen him before, but watched his homer yesterday and The Gypsy King has big-time power to straight-away center.
Kyle Lewis – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. *out on a log raft along the Mississippi with a Filthy Stowaway Urchin* Filthy Stowaway Urchin, “The river sure is deep.” Me, clean-cut, wind through my long-flowing hair, contemplatively, “Not as deep as my love for Kyle Lewis.” Filthy Stowaway Urchin, “That’s deep.” Me, pointedly, “Not as deep as my love for Kyle Lewis.” Filthy Stowaway Urchin, “I was still talking about the river being deep.” “Can we just have some silence?”
Dinelson Lamet – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.12. Someone teach this young man a third pitch this offseason. Please. I want him to be better than deGrom.
Wil Myers – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer, hitting .301. Can’t wait for him to have one of the worst Aprils on record next year and we can send out invites for the world’s largest pity party. It’s gonna be so much fun: apps, dancing, misery.
Trent Grisham – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .272. Still has been valuable, but definitely has fallen off as of late, and fallen to 9th in the order. Though, the 1927 Padres have eight little Trouts in front of him.
Dustin May – Should be able to start on Wednesday. His bruising has subsided. He thinks. With so many freckles, it’s hard to tell.
Clayton Kershaw – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.28. The last few collapses in the playoffs were tragic, but Kershaw wasn’t quite himself going into the postseason. This year’s collapse is gonna be epic.
Jose Berrios – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Corbin Burnes supercharges my nethers; Zac Gallen giving me the giddy-ups; Sixto Sanchez got me in Sixto Mode, and Jose Berrios is about to fall into the 150s overall next year with a big snooze.
Gio Urshela – Will be activated today, Tuesday, the 189th day of March.
Aaron Judge – Resumed swinging. Wow, that was a long check swing.
Nick Senzel – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL after missing a month for undisclosed reasons. Ooh, I wonder what it was. Could he have had crabs? Wait, are you telling me if he had crabs they would’ve said he had crabs? Oh, then I have no idea. Trying to keep that shizz hidden is such a joke. Utter nonSenzel.
Joey Votto – 2-for-5 and his 8th and 9th homer. He’s hitting…Guess. C’mon, Votto is a great average hitter, right? Are you falling for this bait? No? Okay, he’s hitting .225. He hasn’t had a good batting average in two years, and he’s not even a great OBP bet anymore. Votto’s an interesting HOF case. He had a lot of crazy productive years, and was one of the best eyes ever, but starting his career late really cut into his overall stats. Under 2,000 hits, will reach 300 HRs, but it’s not been pretty–Holy crap, he’s under contract for three more years! Yikes. I guess he will reach 2,000 hits. Eventually.
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-7, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Moistasskiss!
Cody Ponce – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.18. Fun fact! Ponce is Spanish for fountain. That’s not right, is it? I took 13 years of Spanish, but why do I think I might not have learned anything? Any hoo! Ponce is pretty meh, and I’d use Streamonator for him (and anyone at this point).
Ke’Bryan Hayes – 1-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, as he now hits third. It’s pretty wild that he went from barely cracking the bottom of the lineup to now hitting third. You think the Pirates had to act dumb at first? Ya know, pretending like they didn’t know what they had so no one would question why he wasn’t called up sooner. Or are they just dumb?
Josh Bell – 3-for-6, and his 7th homer. The Bell tolls are pricey, like, an 1-for-17 between each homer.
Pablo Lopez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.02. Pab-Lo is back! Thankfully, because I started him in a deep league for the two-start week, and I’m not exhaling until after his next start.
Miguel Rojas – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .370. Marlins are now 45 games into a 60-game season and Rojas consistently is batting at or near the bottom of the Marlins’ lineup, as he hits .370. Would be so hilarious if Rojas hits .400, but doesn’t get enough ABs to qualify for the batting title because Don Mattingly was too stupid to bat him higher in the order.
Starling Marte – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. It’s a Marte party for Starling the Marlin!
Vince Velasquez – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.46. Did he suck you back in? Man, he sucked me back in. And sucked. He did that too. Naturally.
Rhys Hoskins – Hit the IL with a forearm injury. That’s okay, the Phillies can replace him with my preseason sleeper, Scott Kingery! *slowly backs out of the room, backpedals into a room with Scott Kingery drafters, dodges a thrown tomato*
Scott Kingery – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .135. See? Sleeper! *dodges a head of cabbage*
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Fun fact! When Cougs comes home and asks me what I’ve been doing while she was out, I say, “Watching TV, Andrew Mycutebrucechen,” and I show a drawing of Bruce Chen on the back of a unicorn.
Zack Wheeler – After ripping a fingernail last week putting on his pants, Wheeler threw a bullpen session yesterday, and could be ready to go later in the week. The game will need to be pixelated though, because Wheeler can’t put on pants.