Yesterday, Kole Calhoun went 1-for-2 and his 14th homer and, seriously, how many home runs does he have since the break? 475? Am I warm? Because it feels like I’m super warm…*eyes drift to a mirror* …so super, super warm. Hot even. What’s your name? *snaps out of it* Damn it, reflection! Okay, starting a dynasty team, Trout or Calhoun? It’s too difficult to decide! What is this world coming to with the fire emoji that is Kole Calhoun in the last two weeks? I can’t handle it. Literally, and I’m wearing oven mitts. Here’s Calhoun two weeks ago: *opens DeLorean door* “I can go anywhere? How about Balco in 2001?” Somehow, Calhoun is only owned in 45% of leagues, which I hope means 55% of people are already checking out our fantasy football rankings. If not, shame. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Nick Tropeano – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.94. Stream-o-Nator didn’t like this start, but loves his next start and I could see running him out there for it. By the way, apologies about the Stream-o-Nator being goofy yesterday; think it had something to do with all the trades; should be good now; semicolons are fun.
Adeiny Hechavarria – Designated for assignment by the Rays. His assignment is to hire Melky Cabrera to design him a website that talks about how underrated Adeiny is and the intangibles. God, yes, the intangibles.
Tyler Glasnow – 3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.27. Not really stretched out to start yet, maybe by September, but I’d be lying if I wasn’t already thinking up my 2019 sleeper post on Glasnow.
Jake Bauers – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 3rd in as many games. He hit this one off Hansel Robles, who’s allowed 9 homers in 36 innings. Fascinating Scioscia-logical experiment going on with the Angels. How long until The Sciosciapath realizes Hansel Robles should not be pitching in the major leagues. As for Bauers, I’ve been saying to grab him. Get with it, homey!
Willy Adames – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .210. I’d love to see Adames hit higher than eighth in the order, but Kevin Cash is playing three-dimensional chess so who am I to question?
Brian Dozier – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer, as he hit fifth and Max Muncy took a seat. Dave Roberts said he doesn’t plan on playing Dozier every day, just against lefties and some righties. I will now laugh hysterically until I’m in a ball crying on my beanbag I’ve dressed to look like Giancarlo. By the way, any time a manager utters the phrase, “It’s a good problem to have,” it is not good for us. With all that said (Grey’s turning the ship around!), I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s all hot air and Muncy is the one who is most affected.
Yasmani Grandal – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homers, hitting .263. It’s not exactly a who’s who of butter for the top five catchers on the Player Rater, but Grandal’s there. There’s five catchers in the top 100 overall, can you name the fifth? He was recently traded. His name almost rhymes with Princeton Vamos, which sounds like a telenovela villain.
Jonathan Schoop – 0-for-5 as he batted cleanup, and Travis Shaw took a seat. So much for that shizzburger. Hernan Perez is now seeing more playing time than Shaw. Terrific. *opens The Bell Jar, sticks head in oven, reads*
J.A. Happ – Yanks are optimistic Happ can start on Sunday. Yankee fans are saying that worst case scenario is Happ will give them a Quality Start. Best case scenario, he gives all of Fenway Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease.
Sonny Gray – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.56, and might get bumped from the rotation for Lance Lynn. Not sure how many times I can say I wouldn’t own Sonny Gray anymore this year. Been saying it since May. Even if he pitches well, what does he give you? 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks? The Ghost of Cy Young is not exactly biting his ghost nails, nervous they’re going to rename it the Sonny Gray Award. Lose Sonny forever (or until next year). Happ has Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease; Sonny Gray is giving fantasy owners Smack Hand to Forehead Disease.
Gleyber Torres – and his 16th and 17th homer. And we’re still a month from Gleyber Day!
Trey Mancini – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .231. That’s nice, but until you are decent again, I will continue to pronounce your last name like it rhymes with fettuccini.
Mychal Givens – 1/3 IP, 1 ER as he opened the 8th inning. Not sure what *uck Showalter is doing, but I’m going to take an educated guess and say Givens is not the closer. Quick math: Team getting no saves + no set closer = Toothache. Damn, was supposed to equal headache, must’ve forgot to carry the one. If you are desperate for saves, I’d say the guy most used like a closer yesterday (even though there was no save situation) was Mike Wright Jr.
Nick Kingham – 1 IP, 2 ER and a bunch of unearned runs as the Pirates booted the ball all around the infield, and gave Kingham’s owners a Ticker Shock! Though, gotta think the Pirates will Kingham to the curb when Archer’s in the rotation.
Cole Hamels – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.53. I know this sounds like possibly the worst reason to trust a pitcher, but my luck has been charmed in Tout Wars for nearly two years and I went in on Hamels in that league with all my FAAB. If you want better advice, Hamels has a 9.2 K/9, 3.4 BB/9 and an xFIP that is a half run lower than his ERA.
Willson Contreras – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .283. Everything looks fine with his stat line, but, wow, is he trailing where I thought he’d be for power. Because I can’t believe I’m wrong, I have to believe Contreras is going to get crazy hot for power in August.
Johnny Cueto – Undergoing Tommy John surgery today. Jason LaRue will be outside the operating room handing out cigars.
Luke Weaver – 2 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.75. I was briefly inhabited by DLzebub, thinking Weaver left the game due to injury, but then I realized A) He threw 74 pitches in less than three innings. B) He shouldn’t be owned in mixed leagues. C) There’s no C.
Harrison Bader – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th steal, hitting .275, as Tyler O’Neill moved to the bench after starting yesterday. Cardinals are taking this 50/50 playing time split serious. If only they were Two-Face, save everyone some time.
DJ LeMahieu – Expects to return Thursday. Garrett Hampson was given about as much runway to take off as Ryan McMahon. Gotta stop even bothering with Rockies prospects. If LeMahieu goes down again, Matt Holliday has a better chance of playing 2nd base for an extended period of time.
Kyle Freeland – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.20. One of the more underrated starters in all of baseball. I know, I know. But he pitches in Coors! Yeah, he has a home ERA of 2.45 in 55 IP. Zoinks!
Yoan Moncada – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .229. Hey, it’s Mr. April! Say hello to your mother for me, Mr. April.
Brett Phillips – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. This is sure to turbocharge your Super Smash Bros., but Phillips seems locked into a starting job with the Royals, and has been hitting since he arrived there from Milwaukee. By the way, I would love the narrative if Phillips broke out after leaving the Brewers and seeing no playing time. All offseason Phillips and Scooter can ride around downtown Milwaukee on a bike like they’re Laverne & Shirley.
Alex Gordon – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .243. Lorne Greene wouldn’t even do a commercial for Al-Go.
Adalberto Mejia – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (3 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 2.60 as he presumably takes Lance Lynn’s rotation spot. The name Adalberto is popular, huh? Shows a general lack of decisiveness in our culture. Is he Adam or Alberto? Ooh, he can be both! No! Choose a name! Get off my lawn! Mejia was decent in Triple-A this year, but that has never translated to the majors (in 112 2/3 IP prior to yesterday). His fastball velocity is up and he has a mix of three pitches, but mostly a fastball/change pitcher. For now, I’d leave him to the Stream-o-Nator.
Brad Hand – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER and his 26th save and 2nd on the Indians, and, in the Indians last game, Cody Allen closed out the game. This bullpen looks like a two-hander like Dude, Where’s My Car? or My Dinner With Andre. Call the Indians’ bullpen, Dude, Where’s My Dinner With Andre?
Mike Fiers – Day-to-day after leaving the game when he was drilled on the shin. Hey, leave The Shins to indie rock and crappy Zach Braff films.
Tommy Milone – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Milone’s baloney, but, on a more general point, I’m streaming everyone against the Mess.
Anthony Rendon – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, and starting to turn his season around. Prepare to be dazzled! *you approaching with a denim jacket* I said ‘be space dazzled’ not bedazzled.
Trea Turner – 1-for-4, 3 runs and his 27th and 28th steal and now has, like, 25 steals in the last three games. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?! How about mildly amused?
Noah Syndergaard – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.98, as he was activated from the Hand, Foot and Mouth DL. Fun fact! Did you know an ampersand is Latin for foot so H&M stands for Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease?
Marcus Stroman – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.63. I said not to draft him in January, and have not liked him all year. You owning him? That’s on you, papas and five mamas.
Russell Martin – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games. Fun fact! George Lucas began building a state-of-the-art compound on Martin’s head, confusing him for Marin.
Jonathan Lucroy – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs. …And that’s the story of how the A’s played like the best team for one improbable run in 2018. *Brad Pitt closes the storybook and looks at Jonah Hill* Didn’t you used to be fat?
Wade LeBlanc – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 3.95. Think LeBlanc made a trading deadline deal with the devil and traded his good pitching for the return of his soul.
Marwin Gonzalez – 2-for-5 and his 7th and 8th homer, hitting .231. Damn, I was so close to streaming him into my lineup for the batty call, but went with Gyorko instead, who, of course, wasn’t even starting. *turns to reflection in mirror* Do better, you handsome bastard.
Max Stassi – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. The way he goose steps during his home run trot though. C’mon, dude.
Jake Marisnick – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, as he was called up to platoon and fill-in for an injured Springer. The Marisnick family was in attendance cosplaying as the Maris family. Hope this begets no lawsuits.
Kyle Tucker – So, George Springer hurt his shoulder. Not badly, but he’s a little banged up. There’s only one move that makes sense here for the Astros. Send Kyle Tucker back to the minors. It’s Opposite Day, y’all! Wear your pants on your head! Shirts on your butts! And have a terrible day!