Hello, Newman! Newman goes into Colorado and gets tangled up with Kramer as he tries to sell his newest invention: Oregano that smells like weed. It’s called Mario Bluntali. Or is it weed that smells like oregano? Or did he already say that? Newman and Kramer have forgotten. Yesterday, Kevin Newman went 4-for-4, 4 RBIs with his 8th and 9th homer. Sure, it was in Coors, but it’s time we start considering Newman as more of a one-trick pony that annoys Jerry, and flush out his character. He had 28 steals last year in Triple-A, and 13 this year in just under 400 ABs. His lack of Ks are also interesting. He has a top ten strikeout rate (11.6%), so his BABIP is high (.334), but his .302 average might be close to repeatable in 2020. Say 12/25/.290 for what will almost be a bargain price in 2020? Is that far off from what you were hoping from Lorenzo Cain? I wrote Kevin Newman in this afternoon’s Buy column, then deleted him because he has to be owned in a majority of leagues by now, but if he’s out there, absolutely grab him, like Newman would help Kramer grab some Kenny Rogers Roasters. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Sam Hilliard – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in his 2nd start, but he’s been up for three games. Guess what the Rockies did with a rookie, who homered in his 1st game in the majors, during his 2nd game. Please, just guess. It’s going to be so hard for you to figure out. They sat him. Naturally! Why wouldn’t they call up a guy with 30-homer power, watch him homer in his 1st game, then sit him in his next? Don’t worry, he’ll be benched again today.
Max Muncy – Underwent tests on his wrist and he has a contusion. Great news for Muncy. Would be even better if he had to sit out for three weeks as it healed while Gavin Lux showed a little how’s your father.
Kenley Jansen – After blowing three of four save chances, Dave Roberts gave Jansen a vote of confidence yesterday that he wouldn’t remove him from the closer role. Lots of people calling for Jansen’s head. One of those people was Donkey Teeth, which is why I traded Jansen to Donkey for Bieber about a month ago. Sorry, Donkey!
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 2.35. Great, Ryu is tiring and about to get shut down with a mysterious injury. “Ryu has darkening of the areola and will need two weeks for tests with the team’s nippleologist.”
Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 30th homer. His poor 2nd half (.203) is making me sweat a little. Maybe I shouldn’t have written his overrated post in July. By the end of September, he might not be overrated for next year anymore.
Colin Poche – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 BBs, ERA at 5.12. More like Colon Poke.
Travis d’Arnaud – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .253. In most years: Travis d’Arnaud is the greatest catcher pickup I’ve ever made. In 2019: Yo, you think Roberto Perez is a 30-homer hitter or nah?
Austin Meadows – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .276. He’s setting himself up nicely to be undervalued again next year. Ooh, I know! If you only have two good months every year, then you will always be undervalued. Damn, Meadows, you are a sly fox. Would really love to see Meadows steal more bases, in general, and five caught stealings in 14 attempts doesn’t bode well.
Abraham Toro-Hernandez – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Whoa, who do you think you are, Abrahamorgan Toro-Ensberg? No? Okay. I gave you my Abraham Toro-Hernandez fantasy the other day, peep that, peepers.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-5 and his 25th homer, hitting .303. He only has five steals this year with four caught stealings, and his speed score is at its nadir, so he’s definitely lost a step or four grown man steps.
Wilson Ramos – 2-for-4, hitting .292. He has the longest hitting streak of the year — a measly 22 game hitting bazinga. Think this goes back to what I’ve been saying about how everyone’s hitting homers, but RBIs are down, because no one wants to get on base anymore. OBP is boring, I guess. Well, la di da.
Victor Caratini – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. Caratini, with a shot of turmeric back. Ah…Refreshing and good for you! *falls into a five-minute coughing fit* Was there cayenne in that? The Cubs are rolling over the Mets while Maddon finds reasons to play Lucroy. Guess it’s for his glove. His glove is a Rawlings special edition and really needs to be seen to be believed. So, Caratini’s fine, but when Rizzo returns, he’ll split time with Lucroy.
J.D. Davis – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer, and his 3rd homer in three games, and, of course, he will be in this afternoon’s Buy column as he’s been for the last three weeks.
Harold Ramirez – 2-for-5 and his 8th homer as he sent the Marlins home with the walk-off win because Raisel had been thrown, like, 17 days in a row. You know what really burns me up like Snooki falling asleep in a tanning bed? When a manager uses his closer in a non-save situation one day (a few days ago with Raisel), then when they actually need the closer, he’s washed.
Austin Dean – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .210. This was his 1st homer since June 9th, so you can cyclops, but I’m not grabbing the Dean Machine just yet.
Aristides Aquino – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .330. Forget The Punisher, I will now call him, The GGOATOAT. That’s the Greatest GOAT Of All-Time!
Alex Wood – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.80. I streamed Wood yesterday, because I drank a lot. Hey now! I also streamed him because it was vs. the Marlins, and it turned about as well as expected. Streamonator is positive on his next start, but I’m not sure I trust him enough there.
Chris Paddack – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.69. Love it, but he really should be shut down. I’m not dropping him yet (like I did with Caleb Smith), but I’m expecting to any day now, Annie Potts.
Manuel Margot – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Of course, I want to call Margot a sleeper for the 5th year in a row, Margot, you don’t have to show promise for that!
Brandon Belt – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer. Belt is the type to homer on back-to-back days, so if you’re looking for a random stream today, I could see it.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.77 vs. Felix Hernandez – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.02. This matchup was billed as, “F-Her with your Lance Lynn. Or what Dwight Evans used to say to Fred.” By the by, would’ve been a nice parlay payout if you bet seven years ago that Lynn would age better than Felix.
Willie Calhoun – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. Should definitely be owned. On a side note, how sad are the Rangers that they’re struggling to beat the Mariners, who have all but forfeited this season in March?
Mike Clevinger – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.72. Yadda-blabbity-bloo! Let some streamers get in there to face the Tigers and stop hogging all the good stuff, Clevinger. Amiright, Streamonator? Oh, you know I am.
Francisco Lindor – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .301. Wish I had drafted him in more leagues — Fonzie’s horse says nay! — I wish I drafted him in one league. I have him in one league, but I autodrafted the 1st three rounds of that league (look at my draft recap from the preseason for why). That league actually, mansplainly, adverbly, turned out okay with Lindor, Jo-Jo Ram and Verlander as my 1st three picks.
Dylan Cease – 2 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.92. *looking at Giolito’s path to success* Okay, Cease, I will be drafting you in 2022!
C.J. Cron – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .261, and his 2nd homer in the last four games. Be fun if the Rays meet the Twins in the postseason and C.J. can call his old teammates, Cronies, to blank stares. Willy Adames, “I never played Cranium with him.” Blake Snell, “I did and he cheats.” Cron, “Nah, man, I mean, we’re old buds!”
Jake Cave – 2-for-5 and his 6th and 7th homer. That’s 2019 Fantasy Baseball Sleeper, Jake Cave! Ha, member when I tried to scrounge for deep sleepers this past offseason and I came back with Tyler Austin, Jake Cave and Daniel Palka? What a Daniel palooka I am! I nearly put Cave in this afternoon’s Buy column, but decided against it, because I can’t stop being wrong about everything! He does have five homers in the last six games, so definite hot schmotato.
Sean Manaea – Back with the A’s and could start games next week. Dot dot dot. Or not. “Or not” about that last part. About starting games. He is back with the club. I’d stash him now, and I don’t mean draw a mustache on his online picture, though that works too.
Jurickson Profar – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .214, but hitting .218 since Monday. Kidding. I have no idea what he’s hitting since Monday. He’s hitting .191 in August and .195 since the break, though, so…lowercase yay?
Jorge Soler – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 37th homer. Be hilarious if he got scalding hot in September, hit 13 homers and ended the year with 50 homers, then everywhere Our Commisioner Manfred went, people would scream, “Jorge Soler hit 50 homers, you giant jack-off wiener!”