Stephen Piscotty was IL’d — why? Don’t ask, he doesn’t know. Nick Martini was DFA’d. See ya round like an olive! And, in their place, the A’s called up Seth Brown (2-for-6, 2 runs, 1 RBI), their power-hitting prospect, who had 37 HRs in Triple-A. Baseball is so effed prospects are hitting 37 homers in the minors and everyone’s like, “Whatevs, Tommy La Stella hit 17 homers in 25 at-bats.” Tommy La Stella ruined everything for everyone! I hate you, Tommy La Stella! The Prospectonator doesn’t love Brown, Prospect Mike hasn’t had much to say on him, and I don’t know how much he’ll play, but I guess he’s fine in AL-Only leagues for now, and mixed leagues, if you need power. The A’s said, “(Brown is) Brandon Moss 2.0.” Then call him, Re-Peat Moss. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Marcus Semien – 2-for-6, 7 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .273. Nice game from Semien! Or if you’re in China using a censored internet, nice game from dried paste on the sheets!
Mark Canha – 3-for-6, 2 runs, hitting .279, hitting near-.500 in the last week. Literally the hottest schmotato in schmotato land. Yes, literally, and I’m starting a website called “Canhaz Schmotatoes” with cute pics of cats and Canha hitting baseballs.
Khris Davis – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .220. If Khris Davis hits ten homers in September (possible), is he back in our good graces? Can we dole out good graces? Are we his Judge, Drury and Mexicutioner? I got questions, y’all!
Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.04. A’s jumped out to a huge lead, and Homer sailed out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W. Streamonator says his next start won’t be on the Ivictory Coast but in the Boogie Down.
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .211. That one team where I own Profar and Odor? Um, yeah, that team ponied up to the bar around May and has been drinking its problems away for a few months.
Brad Keller – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.19. Royals said Keller would only take two to three more turns through rotation. If those starts are anything like yesterday, it might be only two or three turns through an opponent’s lineup.
Adalberto Mondesi – Will be activated on Sunday. Royals said they don’t want him diving into bases on steals. In theory, that could limit his steals, but he’s stealing in his rehab assignment and he’s got enough speed to slide in dogs first, so I think we’re okay while limiting noisemakers until we see steals in the majors.
Brett Phillips – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Phillips has some decent fantasy skills (18 HRs, 22 SBs in Triple-A), but he strikes out way too much. Maybe one of these days Phillips will have a light bulb moment and stop chasing balls in the dirt.
German Marquez – Hit the IL with pretendinitis, because he didn’t trust me to bench him for two home starts. Thank you, Marquez, for saving me from myself! I was legit considering starting him vs. the Red Sox at home. Yo, who’s braver and/or stupider: me or a WWII kamikaze pilot? Speaking of the Axis powers, German sounds shut down for the year, so you can lose him.
Raimel Tapia – Hit the IL with a hand contusion. Raimel tried to take batting practice but he Tapia’d out. Take it, Highlights Magazine, I bequeath my pun to you!
Ryan McMahon – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .264. Out of curiosity, I went to look at his home vs. away splits. Let’s just say, I’m glad I picked him up on Sunday for his home stand. (He has 14 HRs at home, you can do the math for how many away.)
Julio Teheran – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.39 vs. Tim Melville – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.75. The ol’ pitcher’s duel in Coors where I streamed seven hitters an got an 0-for-17. They told me I’d get locked up for ripping that mattress tag off, but I just got bad karma. Tim Melville being an ace in Coors, after having a 5.42 ERA in the minors, while I’m out here struggling to make Trevor Bauer and Kyle Gibson work for me is so 2019, I’m using it as a calendar.
Dansby Swanson – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “When I’m doing stuff, I like to say, ‘I’m Kev-ing.'”
Dustin May – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.07. It was at a 5 IP, 1 ER start, and I was like, “I’m going to go take a urine into a champagne bucket to celebrate my good fortune for starting May like the stereotype I think of with the cultural elite,” and then I returned to a losing game and *raspberries lips* Crimey, Dustin, where’d your ship go off course? My guess is May won’t start another game, because his innings are high, but the Dodgers *pinkie to mouth* May not care. Honestly, I don’t know, I hope he starts again.
Justin Turner – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. Turner’s hit 14 HRs in only 145 post-All-Star break at-bats, after hitting far less in almost twice as many 1st half at-bats.
Enrique Hernandez – 1-for-2 and his 17th homer. Member the 1st week of the season when Donkey Teeth told me Kiké was going to hit 30 homers this year? I do, because I wanted to believe him. “Donkey, hee-haw me some pretty lies.” That’s me riding Donkey around town, tilting at windmills.
Tyler Beede – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER (2 unearned), 4 Ks, ERA at 5.56. He was a double positive start this week on the Streamonator, and, now with one middling start down, I’m rooting hard for a 5 IP, 2 ER, win in the next start. High apple-pie-in-the-sky hopes!
Mike Ford – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer, and three homers in the past two games. Forget that Tauchman, that sounds like a boat in Indonesia. We want Mike, he’s built Ford tough! Or until he starts outsourcing his homers to the Gardner.
Gleyber Torres – 1-for-4 and his 33rd homer. Time traveler in March, “Gleyber will hit twice as many homers as Judge and Giancarlo combined.” You in March, “Cool, but could you hum that Old Town Road song again, that’s catchy.”
Dylan Moore – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Moore’s strikeout rate is 34%, so less is Moore.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-5 and his 28th homer, as he returned from the paternity list. Bryce’s baby popped out of the ‘gina with a rooster buzzcut saying that was a clown womb, bro.
Corey Dickerson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting near-.350 in the last week with a four-hit game the other day and has shown next to no power recently or all season.
Joe Musgrove – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.67. Prior to this game, he had a 7.71 ERA in August, which was only topped (bottomed?) by a 8.10 ERA in May. Since May 1st, Musgrove’s ERA is 5.70. That gives me some Musgrovings about Joe.
Yadier Molina – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .261. Alex Trebek, “This is the year Yadier Molina got old.” “What is 2019?” Alex Trebek looks at you from over his glasses, “I was simply stating a fact, we’re not on a set of a game show” “What is Alex Trebek stating?”
Paul DeJong – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .248. Colonel Mustard in the foyer with the free giveaway umbrella!
Gio Gonzalez – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.34. Cardinals beat up on the Brewers yesterday like every other playoff team will beat up on the Cardinals. That the Cards have 72 wins with one solid starter and no real superstar bat should tell you all you need to know about the NL Central. The Pirates could’ve won that division if Jameson Taillon was good.
Pablo Lopez – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.41, as he was activated from the IL. I went over him yesterday. Any questions? What’s that? Which day was yesterday? Oh, Jesus Colome, we got ourselves a problem here.
Jon Berti – 0-for-4, 1 run and his 8th steal. Berti’s becoming my new favorite player stealing bases when no one else is, and I’m not just his ad man because the Marlins’ lineup features Berti and Starling/Cooper.
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4 and his 36th homer. He only has 80 RBIs. I’m no Eugenius, but I have to think that throughout history most hitters with near-40 homers who hit third have many more RBIs than that.
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.92. I’m excitedly rubbing my hands together to own Sonny Gray next year and have him regress all over the place on my teams. It will spark so much joy I’m rearranging my underwear drawers in anticipation.
Freddy Galvis – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 22nd homer, third homer in his last week of games and hitting near-.380 on the Reds. Of course, the biggest pickup of August is Freddy Galvis. I mean, freakin’ of course. Baseball is the most predictably unpredictable thing. It’s like life. Y’all gonna die, but how? Wow, that’s a fun note to end on.