Junior Caminero is being called up by the Rays. Junior Caminero is also a little tiny car that Spanish boys drive when they’re five years old and first starting growing out their mustaches. The Junior Caminero goes vroom vroom but it only does it when a nearby father makes the noise. Junior Caminero also is a top five prospect for all of baseball what on earth are the Rays doing calling him up right now on…*starts singing* Do you remembah? The 21st of Septembah? Do you remembah? It’s not the 1st of Septembah? Do you remembah? Rays? Hello? We’re seriously asking. So, here’s what Itch’s said, “He’ll finish up 2023 at 20 years old with 31 home runs across two levels, 20 of those coming in 80 Double-A games during which he slashed .314/.379/.557 with a 17.1 percent strikeout rate. And Grey will be hunted this winter.” What? He ranked Caminero 6th overall in the top 25 prospects. I’d grab him in all leagues, and now I’m particularly excited about 2024, if Junior Caminero can break camp. Vroom vroom! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jason Adam – Activated from the IL. Fun fact! His full name is Jason Bob Frank Steve George Frankagain Adam.
Zach Eflin – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.44. You might be thinking Eflin will be properly ranked next year by people and will move up draft boards, but I think you’re overestimating people.
Griffin Canning – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.39. That was better than I expected. Streamonator actually liked it, which I thought was batshizz crazy. Once again, a robot beats a man. Stupid, robot!
Jo Adell – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Quick send him to the minors until 2026!
Grayson Rodriguez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.49. On 5/27, he was sent down to the minors with a 7.35 ERA, and I happily dropped him from all my teams. You didn’t have to ask twice; he stunk! Then he returned in July and had an ERA of 3.18 on someone else’s team, and I thought, “Sure, but how long could that last?” Then in August, he had a 2.64 ERA, and I began to plot how I would drive off a cliff Thelma & Louise-style. Now his ERA in September is near-2 and I gonna do a murder (of a Jersey Mike’s sub sandwich). I can’t believe how roped-in I am again for 2024 when this will all surely unravel again, and don’t call me Shirley.
Victor Caratini – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. What entered the batting box first – him or his bat? (The carrot or the stick? No? Okay.)
Blake Perkins – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Not bad, Perkins, for a pancake restaurant!
Wade Miley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.20. You will see next draft season that Miley had a barely-3 ERA this year and you will draft him, and he will then have a 6+ ERA in one of the worst betrayals of your life.
Miles Mikolas – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.95. When you’re doing a poop on the mound all year, you don’t wipe your butt and walk off to applause at the end of the year. You keep pooping. (Just had a small laugh to myself thinking about someone like Rotoworld writing a blurb like this.)
Willson Contreras – Hit the IL with wrist tendonitis. Oli Marmol said the injury happened while he was calling for the wrong pitches.
Hunter Renfroe – Released by the Reds. Noticing a new trend around baseball. A serviceable outfielder that has 25-homer pop are a dying breed. Being replaced by cheap prospects with pop in a potato sack with a smiling face drawn on it.
Dansby Swanson – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .249. If he were on the Braves still, he’d have 42 homers and 120 RBIs. Don’t ask how I know, I just do.
Kyle Hendricks – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.66 vs. Johan Oviedo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.12. Getaway Day Starters never fail, which is the Fantasy Baseball version of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.
Joshua Palacios – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in his last two games. I’d say hot schmotato, but a Palacios has to homer every day of September. It’s by decree.
Matt Olson – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 53rd homer. He’s gonna need some help to get to 60, but if my bad puns about his name can be the help he needs, then excuse me as I get on my knees and pray to Allahson.
Ozzie Albies – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (32) and legs (13). If anyone asks next year if they should avoid drafting more than one hitter on the same team, I’m going to scream SEE THE BLOODY 2023 BRAVES.
Max Fried – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.55. Fried in 2024 drafts? As a number two with issues? Sounds about right. No idea if I’m in, tee bee aitch. I prolly should be because the whole “out due to perceived injuries” works less times than I want to admit.
Alex Call – 2-for-3 and his 8th homer. *looking for a batty call before the start of games* C’mon, God, show me a sign! *after Call homers* Little late, Supreme Being in the Sky!
Joc Pederson – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. After he homered two days ago, I said he’s the type to get hot, and what do you know?
Paul DeJong – Released by the Giants. If this is the end of the MLB career for Colonel Mustard, I will always remember how he did it in the lavatory with the plunger.
Brandon Crawford – Hit the IL. Tyler Fitzgerald and Marco Luciano were called up, but at this point rookie nookie in a platoon does no one any good. Wait for the Buy column later today and grab a hot bat. This might also go for Junior Senior Caminero, but he’s special and excites me.
Kyle Harrison – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.85 vs. Emmet Sheehan – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.13. For pitchers’ arms safety, they should shorten the season to around 154 games again. I’m not even joking. What is kind of funny, MLB started a 162-game schedule in 1962. It was almost like they were just looking at a calendar and were like, “1962…162? That works. Let’s go, I have Chubby Checker tickets.”
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 30th homer. Just Dong, because it’s his name!
Brent Rooker – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games, and 6th homer in September after 9 homers in April. What’s in like a lion and out like a lion? Brent Rooker. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but what are you waiting for?
Riley Greene – Underwent Tommy John surgery. A social contagion, clearly. All the cool kids are doing it now.
Tarik Skubal – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.95. Every league. That’s the answer to where I will be drafting him next year. I’m going to have a few Tigers pitchers and be like, “Hey, how come I don’t have any wins?” Dur.
Ranger Suarez – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.89. I’ll say this for Ranger Suarez and Streamonator calls, which he is, if the team is going to the playoffs, don’t rely on the pitcher throwing a full game. You might be fine, but in most instances you’re better off going with the random Tigers pitcher (Reese Olson?) stream.
Alec Bohm – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer. Bohm goes the dynamite!
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 28th homer. Castellanos not only feels like a Phils player, but he feels — the open button on the jersey, the swag — like a Phillies fan. If he slumps, he’s gonna throw batteries at himself.
David Peterson – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.37. Thanks for at least not getting my hopes up all offseason!
Mark Vientos – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 3rd homer in two games and, like, his 14th homer in the last week. You know he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy column.
Sandy Alcantara – Started yesterday for Triple-A Jacksonville Jags. It’s not short for Jaguars, but Just Another Guy. Impressive that the Marlins are so dedicated to their pitchers throwing too many IP that they have guys going in Triple-A now.
Gerrit Cole – 8 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.75. AL Cy Young will finally be his and I’m kinda shocked he doesn’t have three of them already. I was seriously surprised when I googled it. He has two runner-ups; I had forgot.
Jake Bauers – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, as he hits cleanup, which is objectively funny, but no funnier than when he was hitting leadoff. This reminds me of the Luis Polonia/Steve Howe/Mell Hall Yankees, and not in a good way. Actually, there is no good way those three guys have ever been remembered.
Jose Berrios – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.58. Good, go down in a ball of flames, you bastage!
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 0-for-1, 1 RBI, as he pinch hit. MRI on his knee came back negative. Hard to have a positive body image like that. I’m canceling that MRI!
Alek Manoah – Received injections in his arm. Of brine? Like a turkey?
