Yesterday, Jose Berrios continued his 2nd half slide, going 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.78. His ERA in the 2nd half is 5.37. That’s…uh, what do I call this, thesaurus? Synonymous Rex? No, I’m asking for another word for bad, not for another word for thesaurus. Ooh..What’s this, an ad for a thesaurus film festival? Pulp Fabrication followed by Schindler’s Menu? Very provocative! Saw recently at another site an article dated late-June for how Berrios could be the AL Cy Young. *makes Michael Scott grimace face* His BABIP in the 2nd half is .354 (up from .276) and his LOB% plummeted to 66% (from 78.3%), while his Ks skyrocketed to 10.2 K/9 (from 8), and his walks went the wrong way too, which is up from 1.8 to 3.3 BB/9. It’s simplistic to say he’s missing out of the zone. Which is why I’m going to say he’s also missing in the zone. He’s throwing everything either off the plate or dead center. This all feels fixable for 2020, but there’s no time left and you need to move on in shallower leagues. Now, excuse me, I’m going to take in The Shawshank Refunding and Batfellow in a twin picture show. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mookie Betts – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 24th and 25th homer, hitting .289. Mookie Ballgame is coming close to what you wanted from him with preseason projections, but the juiced balls have fatigued us. Fatigue is Italian, pronounced fay-tee-gay.
Michael Wacha – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.98. Saw him going against the Giants, after his 7 IP gem the other day, and his 2nd half ERA is below 4, and I streamed the fudge out of Wacha! How’sever, he was suddenly the Opener. How ya gonna throw him for 7 IP then make him an Opener? I gotta count how many off days pitchers have now? Ain’t got time for bird sex and ain’t got time for that!
Paul DeJong – 2-for-5 and his 25th homer, hitting .246. Colonel Mustard in the dim sum place with chopsticks!
Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.81, as he was terrorized by Au Shizz for like the 300th time in his career. Au Shizz looks like a shell of his former self, until he gets to see Bumgarner. If Bumgarner wasn’t such a blowhard, he’d just walk him.
Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-5 and his 19th homer, hitting .271. Really coming into his own as a power hitter, which makes it even the more headscratching that Bochy is batting him leadoff. *crane pulls forward* Crane operator, “Where do you want it?” What’s this for? “You said Bochy needs a head scratcher.”
Kevin Pillar – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, and another homer four games ago. Hadn’t done much in the last week, but this could be the start of another hot schmotato run.
Chris Paddack – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.54. I love this! I own him! Exclamation! But, c’mon, shut him down so I don’t have to worry about him next year.
Zac Gallen – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.50. The Marlins gave him up for what again? Oh, yeah, Chazz Jizzem, who they will trade away right when he gets to his prime. Any hoo! Kinda want Gallen shut down too. Though, I don’t own him, so that feels selfish, and Gallen isn’t in as much danger of an IP cap.
Joc Pederson – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 31st and 32nd homer. Not sure if this is factual, but it feels like he’s hit 32 homers in ten games and nothing in the other 130 games. Holy crap, there’s like no season left! Ugh. You know what this means? I have to start writing up the final top 20’s.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.45. Oh, stop playing with my heart and just concoct a fake injury for him to shut him down.
Tanner Roark – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.86. The best pitcher pick up at the trading deadline or am I crazy? Okay, maybe Greinke, but Roark’s been money. Of course, the Streamonator hates his next start, and I can understand why.
Marcus Semien – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .272. You know who Semien’s been this year? A poor man’s Ketel. Call him Popov.
Robinson Cano – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, as he was activated from the IL. Mets want Cano to be careful about his legs, so if he’s between not hustling and slowly jogging. Prolly want him opting for neither and going with the motorized scooter.
Zack Wheeler – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.33. His pitch count ticked up early, but Mickey Callaway just loves the opportunity to go to their bullpen so en bee dee.
Pete Alonso – 1-for-5 and his 45th homer. Albombso!
Ivan Nova – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.69. *opens cosmology book* A Nova stays super as long as you’re doing makeup and that car is running. Huh? *reads cover again* Hey, this is a cosmetology book! Streamonator likes Nova’s next start, obviously that’s at your own risk. Like that blue eye shadow! Okay, closing book for real now.
Daniel Palka – 0-for-4, hitting .019. He has 1 hit in 53 at-bats. You can say he wasn’t a great sleeper pick by me, but you’re being fooled by his awesome game of possum. Camouflage yourself in 0h-fers, Palka, then come out swinging, you beast!
Tim Anderson – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .331. Don’t own Anderson anywhere (though I wish I did), but I hope he wins the batting title. He just needs the ABs and to beat out DJ LeMahieu and *eyes bulge out* Hanser Alberto?!
Franmil Reyes – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 34th homer. Break me off a slice of that $54 vending machine steak!
Trevor Bauer – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.60. In the one league where I have Bauer, I benched him. I’m not sure I say this happily or sadly. Like Altuve, I’m likely on the latter.
Brad Hand – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.42, and needed Nick Wittgren (2/3 IP, 0 ER) to come in and bail him out from a blown save. Wittgren entered the game to Lean on Me, “You just call on me brother, when you need a hand from Hand.”
Joey Votto – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Doesn’t count unless it’s Aquino. Sorry.
Michael Lorenzen – 2 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.04 and the win, and he played center field and he hit his 1st homer. A 6-tool player! Give Lorenzen the Ohtani eligibility and let me start him in my outfield slot right now, Fantrax!
Corey Dickerson – Left yesterday with a sore foot, and Jay Bruce came in and homered. You remember Jay Bruce, don’t ya? He was the old outfielder the Phils traded for before they traded for the other old outfielder, Corey Dickerson.
Aaron Nola – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.63. The good news is he’s likely going to be a bargain next year. The bad news is, well, do you own him and are you in a H2H league?
J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Jerry Tomato is stomping on all the other catchers, telling them to ketchup!
Jose Urena – 0 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.93, and the massive blown save. Wait, you thought he was going to be good as a closer? Why would anyone think that? Better yet, why would Mattingly think that? Let’s ask him! *Mattingly stares off in the distance and falls into a Gatorade container* Oh my God, Mattingly’s been 17 My Pillows inside a uniform this whole time!
Starlin Castro – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, three doubles and four homers in the last week. I just happened to pick him up yesterday to fill in for Luis Arraez, and now I don’t think I’m ever dropping him (I will, of course, once Castro cools off, but I have him now, my pretties).
Robert Dugger – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.00 vs. Trevor Williams – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.16. If you ask me about either guy, I will slowly, very slowly, shake my head no, and give you a reprimanding look, so don’t.
Jorge Soler – 1-for-4 and his 40th homer. Our Commissioner Manfred, “The balls are made of butterfly wings, and I like how Soler makes them flutter.”
Gleyber Torres – 1-for-4 and his 34th homer. Somebody better inform him Gleyber Day was on Monday.
Giancarlo Stanton – Headed to the Yankees’ spring training complex to face live pitching. Wait until he finds only Gus, the 74-year-old Tampa resident and spring training janitor. Actually, Gus might be able to strike him out, while Giancarlo injures himself. “God damn it, Gus, go easy on him!”