I’m picturing Clint Eastwood in Escape from Alcatraz, coiffing his hair (gorgeous hair) chipping away with his pickaxe. I’m seeing Andy Dufresne also beautiful hair and a pickaxe. Now that I think about it, you don’t need jail cells, just take away all prisoners’ blow dryers. Any hoo! Why am I seeing these great prison movies? Because they are about breakouts. Breakouts come in different shapes and sizes. Some would say Cameron Diaz’s complexion is a breakout. For a baseball breakout: James Paxton. Yesterday, Paxton went 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.39. His K/9 and BB/9 are now 10.7 and 1.8, respectively. That’s about as ace-like as you’re gonna find. Okay, now for one small step back from the ledge of crazy excited. In his last start, he did give up five earned in four innings and I don’t think he’s going to avoid all wonkiness, but there’s no one throwing as well as him right now. Okay, maybe Kershaw and Ervin Santana. Someone get these guys blow dryers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Felix Hernandez – Hit the DL with arm fatigue. Fun fact! If he were wearing a camouflage shirt, he’d have arm fatigues.
Kyle Seager – Still out with a sore hip. The Mariners are ballin’ and Seager can’t get up.
Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-5, 1 run and two steals (7, 8). Dyson is the quietest 40 steal guy ever, right? I mean, at one time in the go-go 80’s when Ron LeFlore was sniffing the foul lines and Vince Coleman was chucking fireworks at his own heels to run faster, 40 steals was nothing, but now 40 steals should not be this quiet.
Danny Valencia – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 1st steal, hitting .188. That’s garbage, but he’s got four hits in the last two games, and he seems reinvigorated now that he has a starting job. Haniger, you were holding him back!
Guillermo Heredia – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .314. Hot right now, but, as my high school Spanish teacher would’ve rolled her eyes at, Heredia is here today, Guillermorrow.
Robert Gsellman – 4 IP, 5 ER. It was vs. the Braves in Metco. Gjesus Christ, man.
Gift Ngoepe – 1-for-2 as the Pirates called up this infielder and he happens to be the first African-born player ever in the majors.
Pirates also gave chances to first players ever from India, Lithuania and Candelaria. https://t.co/6WSQHQkqZZ
— Razzball (@Razzball) April 26, 2017
David Freese – Day-to-day with hamstring soreness. Mr. Freese said, “My hamstring is on…ice, and my assets are….frozen! Stupid subprime mortgage.”
Tyler Glasnow – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 7.98. He’s making everyone smile. Unfortunately, a Glasnow smile means getting your face slashed from ear to ear.
Josh Bell – 2-fro-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .237. Good news, you can hold your finger on your computer screen and pretend you have Bellinger. Bad news, you probably need to move your finger at some point. Bell does have three homers in the last week, so might be a slightly hot bat, but Bell doesn’t excite outside of deep leagues.
Josh Harrison – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. My sweet Lord! He’s hitting over .350 in the last week, so there might be a little schmotato action here.
Jon Lester – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.68. Hey, ya think the Cubs’ pitchers are feeling the effects of pitching an extra 50 innings last year? Rhetorical!
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Dustin Pedroia – Still sidelined with knee/ankle soreness. Or as WebMD lists it ankneekle.
Didi Gregorius – On track to return on Friday. The Torreyes of Laura Mars will lose his job, because no one steps to The Gregorius D.I.D.
Gary Sanchez – Reports said yesterday that Sanchez took BP. I sure hope he brings Brandon Phillips back to wherever he got him.
Aaron Judge – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Since he’s in New York, how long until Giancarlo starts hearing, “Hey, you look just like Aaron Judge?” Nuh-uh, Judge looks like Giancarlo, not vice versa!
Luis Severino – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.00. True story: I said to Rudy last week, “How about a Buy title for Severino?” And he rightfully said, “We just did ‘Luis C K’ three days ago.” I try to avoid doubling up on ledes (of course, Thames made that impossible this April), but all I want to do is talk about Severino. He is breaking out, and looks like he could be a top 20 starter this year.
Tim Beckham – 3-for-5 and his 3rd and 4th homers, hitting .280. I searched for MIs on my waivers who have been most valuable over the last two weeks, and it was Beckham. Of course, I still didn’t pick him up, but definitely a hot schmotato.
Alex Cobb – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.66. Stream-o-Nator didn’t like this start nor his next one, so sit on Cobb or rotate? Rotate.
Dylan Bundy – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.65. I’m full aware that it kinda blows that pitchers who are breaking out are in the AL East.
Vince Velasquez – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.33. He has a bit of this ‘young Carrasco’ thing going on, right? Meaning, he just looks so bleh in the 1st inning. Please let him throw an extra 25 pitches in the bullpen before the game. Please.
Hector Neris – 1 IP, 1 ER, and his 3rd straight giving up a run after it seemed like he was taking over the closer job. Uh-oh, he’s not a Cuddle Boy, is he?
Freddy Galvis – 2-for-4, and his 3rd homer, hitting .243. ‘Member, like, two days ago I said it looked like Devon Travis was getting hot? Yeah, well, he didn’t play one game and then he was rained out yesterday, so I dropped him for Freddy Galvis. Welcome to the Grey Albright All-Stars! Chip in any way you can, and please put used towels in the hamper.
Maikel Franco – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .203. Okay, it hasn’t been easy owning him so far, but if you’re thinking about dropping him, you’re misunderstanding some basic fantasy tenets. You should be buying Maikel, not dropping him.
Wei-Yin Chen – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.71. Damn, this guy baffles with his disappointing starts. I kinda want to start calling him Sigh-Yin, but that sounds too cool for him, like he’s from Staten Island and in the Wu-Tang Clan. “Shame on this pitcha you don’t wanna try to throw a game with this pitcha.”
Byron Buxton – 1-for-2, 2 BBs and zero strikeouts! I know, it’s not much, but c’mon! These are the first steps to him doing something! I think! Maybe! But, hey, it’s better than what he was doing.
Delino DeShields – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 1 RBI and two steals, hitting .238. And I picked him up. Yup, just like that I grabbed The Dentist. CarGomez (1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 steals) was not working at the top of the order; Ryan Rua (2-for-5, 4 RBIs) homered last night, but he’s not really the answer for anything; Mazara has been struggling; semi-colons are fun. I know owning The Dentist is like pulling teeth, but I need steals, and I own him again.
Cole Hamels – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.03. If you think this start vs. the Twins was a reason to not sell Hamels, I have a lousy bridge hand to sell you.
Jose Altuve – Out yesterday, because he did an unplanned collision with Teoscar like they were Giant Machine and Peter Dinklage Machine. Was there a Peter Dinklage Machine? There should’ve been.
George Springer – Still out with a tight hamstring. One year at Thanksgiving, I had a tight hamstring and I pulled it and it ripped and my hand went into the mashed potatoes.
Lance McCullers – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.32. “Wait, I like McCullers, and now Netflix is suggesting Michael Pineda and Robbie Ray? Uh-oh.” I realize it’s slightly crazy to like a guy with a 4.30+ ERA as much as I do, but I’m still firmly with McCullers.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .318. Even without an injury, I assume Brantley will be day-to-day all season.
Brian McCann – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .281. If you just drafted McCanns, you’d have more home runs than if you drafted Mookie Betts and Goldschmidt.
Evan Gattis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in last four games, hitting .333 in the last week. When he gets hot, it gets scorching, so you’ve been warned.
Koda Glover – Hit the DL with left hip impingement. I blame Dusty. Not sure why, but Dusty doesn’t get why’s, which is part of the reason.
Anthony Rendon – 0-for-5 as the Nats scored 11 runs in Coors. Wow, he’s having a ticker series in Coors. You know things have been bad, when I benched Rendon yesterday for a start in Coors and he didn’t even make me pay. I can’t believe I didn’t have him for his breakout, then drafted him for his terrible year in 2015, then avoided him last year for his bounce back. I think we have a new Mr. Passive Aggressive. Where’s he eligible? Oh, he’s just a POS. I’m at a loss at what to do with this schmohawk, but I refuse to drop him yet.
Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. T-minus injury!
Bryce Harper – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .432. Is Rendon’s terrible hitting the proverbial butterfly flapping its wings in Indonesia that makes Bryce hit?
Trea Turner – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games, hitting .326. Treat Urner’s back! Get ’em boy!
Shelby Miller – Diamondbacks sent his MRI to Dr. James Andrews with a note that read, “Find something wrong with this, thanks.”
Brandon Drury – Day-to-day with a jammed knee. He got this jam in April-cot. High five me right now! C’mon! That was good! No? Okay.
Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer, hitting .247. There is a ton of junky power hitters out there, huh? In my 12-team mixed league, everyone’s got a ton of power and no average, no runs, no steals. It’s like the Ghost of Adam Dunn is donkeying around the majors. Donkeying is totally a verb.
Erick Aybar – 2-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (2) and legs (2). Padres’ fans celebrated this with a lovely box of Chablis. Technically, they didn’t watch the game or know who Aybar is, but they were drinking Chablis.
Alex Wood – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.29. Stream-o-Nator didn’t mind yesterday’s game, and loves his next start, and I love Wood — hehe — oh stop!
Denard Span – Hit the DL with a sprained shoulder. Ben Revere said, “Why am I getting all of these ‘Get Well Soon’ cards?”
Christian Arroyo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer as he hit in the five-hole. More of an indictment of the Giants’ lineup than Arroyo’s ability that he was hitting 5th, but he was leading Triple-A in batting average, so he might stay hot on his arrival to San Fran. Worth a flyer to find out.
Sean Manaea – 2 IP, 3 ER, but left his start with shoulder tightness. Will find out more about his shoulder Manaea. You know, Guillermorrow. Call back!
Kole Calhoun – 3-for-5, 1 RBI. Wow, a positive day for Calhoun. Who’s next, Rendon? (Please Rendon.)
Jose Abreu – Left yesterday’s game with a hip flexor strain. Had four straight multiple hit games, so, of course, now he’s injured, and I’m inured to expect this from Abreu, assuming I know what inured means. Bad enough you have me second-guessing my choice for a 1st baseman, but now you’re making me second-guess my word choice!
Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.22. Uh-oh, you might not have sold him for fifty cents on the dollar quick enough. To find out, have an idea for you. Take out a dollar bill, next to Secretary of Treasury write in black marker “Steve Munchkin,” and now that dollar is worth fifty cents, so try to trade that for Quintana.
Avisail Garcia – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .373. It’s always the post-post-post-POST-post-post-hype sleepers!
Leury Garcia – 1-for-3 and a slam (2) and legs (2), hitting .319. In the last seven games, he’s hitting .389. Hot schmotato alert!
Orlando Arcia – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs, and his 2nd homer, hitting .229. He’s looked overmatched so far like your uncle vs. Bobby Fischer in anything. “C’mon, Uncle Darryl, you can parallel park better than Bobby Fischer!” *15 seconds later* “Maybe not.” Maybe this is Arcia breaking out, but it might just be the Reds’ pitchers are awful.
Jett Bandy – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .349. If only I drafted Bandy in the 2nd round of every draft instead of Rougned Odor.
Eric Thames – Left yesterday with hamstring tightness. *sees Ted Williams, Babe Ruth, Billy Martin standing on a cloud looking down, shakes fist* Leave us alone Baseball Gods! And what’s Billy Martin doing there?
Rookie Davis – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 11.17. Over/under for the Reds team ERA this year? 5.25? 5.50? I’ll bet someone five over-the-internet dollars that you won’t ever collect from me that Arroyo is their ace by the end of the year with a 4.40+ ERA.
Scott Schebler – 2-for-4 and two homers (6, 7). Sonavadrop! Damnit, I just had him on my team and was like, “Well, he went one full game without a homer, so I’m dropping,” and where I make plans, Giancarlo laughs. I don’t practice Santeria, I ain’t got no crystal ball, I had Scott Schebler but I, I dropped him for a batty call. *smacks head* Ouch, that hurt. So, Schebler has four homers in the last four games and I’d own him.
Adam Duvall – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Duvall is like the Addison Reed of hitters. Strikeout, ground out, solo homer, fly out in what feels like every game.
Joey Votto – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .238. Votto’s doing some weird shizz in this latest incarnation of his career. This whole power in the 1st half of the season and hitting .400 in the 2nd half is just bizarre. It’s like Dave Kingman and Charley Lau had Siamese twins and one bats in the 1st half of the year, and then he turns around and the other bats in the 2nd half. I will call him Darvey Kent, due to, ya know, copyright restrictions.
