Yesterday, Michael Brantley went 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs with his 7th homer. One big day for a 2nd rounder is more than Ian Desmond owners can say. Yes, everything’s better when compared to Desmond. “Maw, this spinach is still half-frozen and spinach juice is dripping into my Salisbury steak.” “In some countries, all children have is a 2nd round draft pick of Ian Desmond.” “You’re right, maw, you’re right. I’m an ingrate!” That’s a 34-year-old you after coming up from your mom’s basement for dinner. One of my biggest regrets of this season was not labeling Brantley a Noid and telling you to avoid. I didn’t rank him in the preseason crazy high so you would draft him, but I didn’t outright say, “Look elsewhere, prematurely balding man.” Meh, I guess my regrets could be worse. I mean, look at Lindsay Lohan’s last ten years. If you own Brantley, I think at this point you have to hold tight and either go down with the ship or hope some of his cream rises — mixed metaphor points! If you don’t own Brantley like me, well, whew. I’m empathetic though. Kinda. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Cody Allen – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 20th save, ERA up to 3.60. Allen’s been pretty yawnstipating the entire year, and I don’t think he’s being replaced, but I was just thinking — uh-oh, Grey’s thinking! — there hasn’t been a ton of closer turnover this year, right? I mean, compared to most years it feels like a Laura Ashley-decorated horse home, you know, pretty stable.
Cody Anderson – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, ERA up to 1.91. The Regression Fairies can’t believe their grandfather has a rainbow photo on Facebook, they own booty-hugger shorts and they will not let anyone’s ratios avoid regression.
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting near-.350 in the last ten games. The Indians have been remarkably patient with Lindor in the two hole. I’m now picturing a Lindor chocolate truffle being pooped out. What does this mean, Freud? Perhaps it’s best you don’t tell me. I own Lindor in one league, but there’s a chance I own every middle infielder at some point, so it doesn’t mean a ton. I would grab him, since it looks like his schmotatoness is getting hot.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-3, 1 RBI. If this schmohawk gets hot, you will never hear the end of how I told you to buy him. Don’t make me come back here!
Adam Lind – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .293. Ryan Braun went 0-for-1 in a pinch-hit appearance. Cust kayin’.
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 7th steal, hitting .316. You can wait until he cools off to pick him up, but that kinda defeats the purpose. Or porpoise, for our dolphin readers.
Scooter Gennett – 3-for-4. Too many middle infielders and not enough time to constantly switch them out on my fantasy teams.
Brett Anderson – He may not need a DL stint for his Achilles injury and says he’s feeling much better. Thanks for asking!
Mike Bolsinger – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.79. His father, Otto Titslinger, must be so proud. I can’t figure out Bolsinger’s success thus far. He throws a bunch of junk (mid-80s fastball, curve that’s not much slower), but his peripherals don’t look awful (8 K/9, 3 BB/9, 3.29 xFIP). I’m guessing at some point hitters will figure him out, but it’s been a nice ride in media res, for our Latin American readers.
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.49. Since the break, he’s had one lousy start and one good one. Teheran = unstable region/player.
Kyle Hendricks – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA up to 3.66. Hendricks seems to have more of these unlucky starts than most. Perhaps Davidwiers can shed some light on that with his last post about Hendricks. *guitar riff into The Star Spangled Banner*
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-5, 1 RBI and his 1st steal. Is there anything he can’t do?! Make a Donald Trump wig out of spun sugar? Perhaps that is true, Random Italicized Voice.
Dexter Fowler – 2-for-5 and his 15th steal and now has three steals in the last four games and is hitting near-.350 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Mike Leake – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 3.78. He’s now given up 2 earned runs in his last 24 IP (across three games). His major bugaboo has always been his K-rate (6.1 K/9 this year, 6.2 in his career), which tends to have me thinking of Leake in terms of the Stream-o-Nator. Well, I also think of Mike Leake as a name Bart Simpson would give to Moe.
Joey Votto – 5-for-6, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 17th homer. You know how Jaime or Jorge or any Spanish J has an H sound? What’s Joey in Spanish? Hoey? What a strumpet!
Todd Frazier – 3-for-8, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. So this was the year to draft three 3rd basemen in the first three rounds. Good info for Time Traveler Grey.
Tony Cingrani – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER. But he looked so good in his minor league rehab starts?! Hey, Cingrani, maybe you shank me in the shower while you’re at it. Here, I’ll draw a bullseye on my heart. Blech, remind me never to trust this POS again. I dropped him from my teams prior to him even being removed from the game.
Billy Hamilton – 4-for-9, 4 RBIs and I think zero steals but I’m looking at my Yahoo team page where Hamilton is and I can’t see an effin’ thing! Are those zeroes written in white on a white background?! Why would you do this?! That’s it, I’m starting a class action lawsuit like out of The Jerk. Everyone who has gone cross-eyed from their Yahoo team page, please comment below and I will add you to the class lawsuit. We’re taking back the power!
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Moistasskiss!
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer. I have Hosmer on the same team as Longoria (and somehow in 5th out of 15 teams), and I feel similar to Hosmer as I do to Longoria. They’re almost like catchers in that if they actually homer, I’m pleasantly surprised because I expect nothing in the way of power from them.
Edinson Volquez – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.15. I mentioned this with Chen the other day, but it’s crazy that Edinson is on waivers with a 3.15 ERA, but equally insane that I didn’t even pick him up for a home game vs. the Pirates. You daffy, Grey, but I love you.
Will Middlebrooks – Optioned to Triple-A. The Padres said it was a lot easier optioning him down than optioning down their whole team.
Justin Upton – Sat out again with his oblique issue. Parents, Melvin Sr. and Justine Upton, passed on some incredible talents, but the work ethic sure feels lacking. Maybe Melvin Jr. and Justin can get a paper route this offseason. It’s never too late to build some backbone! Though neighbors may only get papers at a 1-for-5 clip from Melvin.
Brandon Morrow – Ready for rehab games. Five imaginary dollars says he gets hurt during his rehab assignment. C’mon, I’ll give you 3 to 1 odds! The horn bet is Morrow somehow gets gored by a bull during warmup tosses.
Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. I just can’t. The wounds are too deep.
James Shields – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 3.77 vs. Matt Cain 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 4.09. 2011 SportsCenter called and wants its highlight reel back.
Brandon Crawford – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer. He has an outside chance at 20 homers. 20 homers from a shortstop gets you ranked where next year? I’m having a hard time thinking less than top 5. Five ladies and gentlemen, your shortstop position!
Brandon Belt – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. Belt on a fantasy team is a lot like Rick Springfield in True Detective. It seems like a good idea, but in hindsight you’re like, “Yeah, I shouldn’t have punted hiring a real actor.”
Joe Kelly – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks as he was recalled for the start vs. the Astros. BoSox fans’ favorite color is Kelly green, but no one is green with envy about having Kelly on their team. Do you see what I did there? That was your classic 3-point (K-turn) pun!
Clay Buchholz – Had a PRP injection and was shut down. I’m wishing him the best, but the People’s Redemption Party of Nigeria are a militant organization. Wait, that’s injection, not insurgence. Okay, moving on!
Preston Tucker – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homers. I don’t even own him, but I want him to succeed like a pet turtle I don in a graduation gown and mortar board. I just have such good vibes!
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.80. I believe he could end the season with a 2.25 ERA and he would still be underrated next year.
Robbie Ray – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 2.72. Well, I guess his ERA wasn’t gonna stay crazy low all year. Ray la vie!
Jose Fernandez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.77. Pop quiz, hotshot: Fernandez or Harvey? How about for next year? Yeah, I think so too. How did I know what you were thinking? I’m standing inside your head. Pretty roomy in here!
David Peralta – Left yesterday’s game after being beaned on the melon. I’m sure he’ll go for concussion tests. Word of advice, don’t go to Morneau’s doctor.
Logan Forsythe – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Forsythe has a funny season going (not funny). It seems like he’s not doing anything ever, then I look at his stats and he’s hitting .400 in the last week and he’s quietly having a productive, if slightly yawnstipating season.
Ben Revere – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Wearing a complimentary robe, Revere lies on his hotel bed, twirling the phone cord. “Marlon, tell me again how you got traded away from the Phillies. And don’t leave out anything.”
Domonic Brown – 3-for-5, 2 runs. If I were Ruin Tomorrow Jr., I’d just post yard sale signs all round Citizens Bank and just give every player away for a nickel on the dollar. You know there will be at least three Guatemalans there in a pickup truck five minutes before the yard sale opens.
Noah Syndergaard – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA down to 2.97. Overall, his walks haven’t been bad so we’ll look at this like a small blip, which isn’t Pablo Sandoval, that’s a small blimp. Or a large bleb.
Yunel Escobar – Left yesterday’s game with a wrist injury, but x-rays returned negative. Sounds like those x-rays need a pep talk!
Ian Desmond – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 6th steal. Don’t look now, but Desmond is starting to heat up — five for his last nine with a homer. Oh, c’mon, man, A) Simon didn’t say don’t look now. B) It’s a figure of speech. C) There’s no C.
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.30. He didn’t do a ton to warrant mention. That doesn’t mean there’s little reason to mention Warrant. *dons denim jacket with fur collar* My cherry pie!
Jason Vargas – Diagnosed with a torn UCL. No relation to ex-Royal shortstop, UL Washington, or his toothpick. Though his toothpick and Yordano are related on his mother’s side. Speaking of the devil (literally), Ventura is headed back to the majors. In 12 team leagues that only use Royals pitchers, I could see grabbing him. Elsewhere, aw heck no.
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks as he was recalled from the minors. Showalter has now started Gausman, put him in the bullpen and sent him to the minors twice. There’s only one more way to screw Gausman over…When is he getting traded to the Rockies?
Chris Davis – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer. The blinking guy from The Diving Bell and the Butterfly couldn’t have a quieter 20 homers.
Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.23. Not bad…Okay, compared to, say, Cingrani it was effin’ terrific — or terrifin, if in a rush, but Nova feels like little more than a streamer to me at this point and I’d look at the Stream-o-Nator on his matchups.
Alex Rodriguez – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer. In this game, Mark Teixeira (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) also homered, his 24th. You really wanna mess with someone who just woke from a ten year coma? Well, you’re a sick bastard. They were just unconscious for ten years! But, if you really do, say to them it’s 2005 and show them the Yankees lineup. Though, they might think it’s a rapper back from the dead playing short.
Rougned Odor – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer as he was a double short of the cycle. One word: Coors.
Delino DeShields – 1-for-3, 3 runs and his 16th steal. Same word.
Corey Dickerson – Says he could return this weekend. Shark Tank Idea! Plantar fasciitis debilitates one in ten people at some point in their life, so why not offer an orthopedic shoe that has wheels on the bottom like pre-teens wear? Here’s my prototype, a wheelie, classic stretch bowling shoe.
Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .258. Some over/unders for you to ponder: 22 homers? .280? 1 DL stint? If you said over for either of the first two, there’s still time to buy.
Nick Hundley – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .307. Okay, not setting the world on fire, but Hundley was what outside of Coors, a .240 hitter? Gives you a good idea of why the Hitter-Tron always loves Coors hitters. Why it loves fondling machinery is another can of worms.
Jered Weaver – Could rejoin the rotation next week. His straw mullet already arrived and is traveling with Shoemaker.
David Freese – Was hit on the hand by a pitch and it fractured his thumb. Sorry, Mr. Freese, but you’re being put on ice! Kyle Kubitza will likely take over. Kubitza isn’t great with the bat, but, boy, can he chit-chat!
Kole Calhoun – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Someone questioned my sanity for putting Calhoun in the top 100 of the 2nd half. He’s hitting over .400 since the break with three homers. Yup.
Chris Iannetta – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 2nd day in a row with a homer. Well, I won’t outright tell you to pick him up, but he does seem hot.
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.30. Now I know what Ken Griffey Sr. felt like.
Nelson Cruz – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers (23, 24). So that’s where he misplaced his whooping stick.
Austin Jackson – 2-for-4 and still in the leadoff spot, and hitting near-.350 in the last week. He’s a definite grab if you need runs and some steals. At least until McClendon figures out the lineup card is upside down.
Mike Montgomery – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER. The Regression Fairies know what a décolletage is and not to just stare at it, they can name all of the members of One Direction and they will take no pity on your ratios.
Anibal Sanchez – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks. Honestly, over-the-internet friend, you’re only holding onto him because of what he’s done in past seasons.
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer (a grand slam), and his 2nd in as many days. Hot schmotato alert, yes, definitely. Get on it!
Ian Kinsler – 4-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .284. Since Kinsler and Ausmus are the first Jewish player-manager combo in sports since Gene Simmons managed the Rock ‘n Jock team with all Jews, except Dan Cortese, Kinsler and Ausmus should come up with their own celebratory handshake. Maybe they mime spinning a dreidel, then lift Rajai in a chair. Something, I’m spitballing.
