Horton’s Throwing Donuts

I kinda like the searching I have to do now to make sense of a pitching line. It’s like: “Ooh, Cade Horton is through five innings and he’s got a no hitter with only one walk and six Ks (or 5 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.78). He’s managed his workload well as he only sits at 75 pitches. This could get interesting!” Five minutes later, “Hmm, Horton was pulled from the game. Let’s see why…I’m finding on X a bunch of people who want the home address of Shane Bieber to do “anger…” Let’s see on Facebook…Oh, there’s my uncle posting a meme where he’s replaced Turner & Hooch with Bill and Hillary’s faces…Hmm, let me check TikTok…Okay, I don’t even know what is going on there.” So, I guess they pulled Horton early to maintain a pitch count so he’s available in October. Only a guess, found no actual answers! Horton, though, has been The Answer. Since the All-Star Break: 47 IP, 44 Ks, 0.77 ERA, and 0.81 WHIP. Cubs haven’t seen the likes of this since Jake Arrieta. In fact (Grey’s got more!), Arrieta is the only other Cubs starter since 1920 to allow four runs or fewer combined (!) across nine starts. Rookies after the All-Star Break? Horton has the best ERA of all-time ahead of Jose Fernandez. And on LinkedIn it says he can juggle. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Billy Hamilton – Signed a deal with the Cubs. He’s 160 years old.

Ozzie Albies – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer, 2nd homer in two games. [grasping a steering wheel so hard my knuckles are bleeding] Albies won’t pass Gunnar in homers, right?

Ha-Seong Kim – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and 3rd homer. “Immediate dividends! Everything the Braves touch turns to gold! That’s a guy who bumped his head in 2023 and fell into a coma. Any hoo! I could see giving Kim a chance, he should be decent for speed, and maybe the occasional homer.

Bryce Elder – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.54. You know that song, “I wish I were a little bit taller, I wish I were a baller?” Okay, that but with, “I wish I streamed Bryce Elder.”

Nasim Nunez – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd MLB homer. Fun fact! Nasim is a Nats outfielder; NASIM is a local sports channel. So, Nunez has 80-grade speed and negative-20 grade power, that he hit two homers in the same game is about as unlikely as The Rock losing enough weight to star in a Triston McKenzie biopic. Wait a minute!

Brady House – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (5). Not sure if there’s much here since he homered off a position player–Strike that, it was Eury Perez.

Eury Perez – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.66. Right side of the brain, “Let me guess, you think he’s tipping his pitches.” Left side of brain, “Well, the alternative is he’s hurt.” Right side, “You’re so dumb!” Left side of brain, “No, you’re dumb!” Middle brain, “Will you two stop it!” The fact that he gave up a homer to Nasim Nunez would lead me to believe he’s not tipping because how the heck is Nasim Nunez picking up a guy tipping pitches? He’d lose in an arm wrestling match to Juan Pierre. Though, I will say Nunez was in the Marlins’ system for a while, so maybe he saw a lot of Eury. Well, whatever the case, you can move on from Eury if you have better options; he’s clearly not right.

Emmet Sheehan – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.59. Stepped in for the under-the-weather Ohtani, because he wasn’t ready to go. Hmm, realize now the “he” in that sentence could refer to Sheehan or Ohtani. I meant Ohtani wasn’t ready, but Sheehan being pushed and pulled from the rotation might not have had him ready either. Dave Roberts Managing Advice #1: Give Starters Three Minutes To Prepare For A Start.

Bryan Reynolds – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. Keep saying how guys in September can “fix” their seasons by having a big month and making their season look better in the big picture. Well, not Reynolds. If he gets to 20 homers this month, I won’t forget he entered September with 14 homers. It’s tattooed on my tramp stamp under, “Don’t Draft Again.”

Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. Knee McClutchin’ should get a lifetime contract with the Pirates. Like they’re ever going to have a better DH. Please.

Gabriel Arias – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. He got the better of Jordan Hicks. [presses ear bud] I’m being told everyone gets the better of Jordan Hicks.

Roman Anthony – Hit the IL with an oblique injury. He sounds done for the season. Stick a IV’k in Roman.

George Kirby – 2 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.47. Kirbstomped.

Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 28th homer, 2nd in two games, and now eight more homers to hit in September. LFG!

Adrian Houser – 7 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.01. He should have a 5+ ERA. Don’t believe in anything. Eat Arby’s.

Shane Bieber – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.15. A guy with 11-ish innings on the year coming in is risky, that should go without saying, and I’m mostly interested in seeing him stay healthy this year and how that can lead to me acquiring cheaply next year.

George Springer – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 27th homer, 3rd homer in two games. Saw someone mention Springer should be in the AL MVP conversation, and it’s true; there are eight places for votes behind Raleigh and Judge.

Daulton Varsho – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, 3rd straight game with a homer. That’s 18 in 51 games! Daulton Varsho: 50-homer hitter.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. There’s bigger fish to fry, but Cake Batter hasn’t been much fun to roster either. 2nd round pick, returning around top 45 overall value. It should be better, right? Though whenever I say that for him, and look at his stats, I wonder how much better could it be since he’s not in a minor league park like in 2021. [cough] Junior Caminero [cough]

Addison Barger – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 19th homer. Oh, yeah, he’s shortlisted for a 2026 sleeper. Like to see the Jays make a real effort to make no effort to block his path to playing time.

Alejandro Kirk – 2-for-5 and his 12th homer. He has more RBIs and a better average than Gunnar. Ya know, just happened to notice!

Taylor Ward – 0-for-2 as he returned to the lineup with metal bracing around his face like Joan Cusack in Sixteen Candles.

Caden Dana – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.91. He’s 21. He had a 5.1 BB/9 in Triple-A and the Angels have him pitching in the majors. If you don’t think they’re a giant clown car, explain that one.

Jo Adell – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and a slam (33) and legs (5), and 3rd homer in three games. Jo Adell celebrating his Star Mitzvah. Mazel tov!

Ryan Bergert – 5 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.61. The three walks scare me a little, but right now I feel more comfortable starting Bergert than guys I drafted as my number one starter.

Matt Chapman – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer. Tuesday, he got in a fight with the Rockies, and on Wednesday he ended it. Yeah, Angry Baby Fist Shake!

Drew Gilbert – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Aaron Nola – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.78. How is anyone starting a guy with a near 7 ERA? I’m not talking to you as much to the Phillies.

Shelby Miller – Hit the IL with a UCL sprain, and season’s over. Sounds headed for a 2nd Tommy John surgery. “That’s more than I had!” That’s Tommy John.

Isaac Collins – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Kinda meant to drop him, but thanks to my divine inattention, I got this home run!

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer. That’s in 57 games. Guy’s almost as good as Daulton Varsho! Stanton has has 47 RBIs and a near-1.000 OPS and .290. Baby boo, that’s good.

Devin Williams – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.60. Is Devin Williams friends with Emmanuel Clase? Is Aaron Boone? Just asking questions.

Will Warren – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.28. Will Warren? Yes, clearly! Though, no thrill Warren.

Jason Alexander – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.68. Yankees were head in check by the Seinfeld company softball team.

Bryan Abreu – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.29. What’s his level of friendship like with Clase? Is he tipping pitches or friends with Clase? It’s all I have to go on!

Jeremy Pena – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Wonder if Correa came back and is doing that thing where a guy returns to where he once was and is like, “This is how you get Gatorade from this jug,” and Pena’s smiling but thinking, “I know, I’ve been getting my own Gatorade for the last three years,” and they secretly hate each other.

Spencer Arrighetti – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. Great, Arrighetti’s got a noodle arm.

Zebby Matthews – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.73. Streamed him everywhere. Thank you, Streamonator! Now to have the patience to wait for his next favorable matchup.

Nolan Gorman – 3-for-3 and his 14th homer, hitting .220. Cards used to be a proud franchise. I don’t know what direction they’re currently in now, but Gorman, Noot, Scott, Walker and two of their four catchers should be bench guys.

Matthew Liberatore – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.15 vs. Jeffrey Springs – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.13. Quite possibly the closest matchup I’ve ever seen. Springs vs. Liberatore is the Foreman/Ali of mid pitchers.

Nick Kurtz – 1-for-4 and his 28th homer. Just glad he’s no longer hitting leadoff. [sees Shea Langeliers is now hitting leadoff] Ha, okay, that’s funny.

Zac Gallen – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.77. I could sit here and say Gallen could have a 1-something ERA in September but I have a standing desk so I’m not sitting and Gallen had a 2.57 ERA in August, so he’s already started down that path. Don’t worry, I’m not getting roped in again for next year.

Jake Woodford – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.88, and got the save, his 3rd, and has been called on all three times since August 23rd, so I guess Woodford is in the lead for the DBacks’ closer job, which makes zero sense, but alas. Andrew Saalfrank (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.16) is too good to close, I guess, I don’t know. Freakin’ DBags won’t just stick with Saalfrank as their closer because they like doling out ulcers.

Jack Leiter – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.74, and three straight Quality Starts. More encouraging is the 25:5 K:BB. I’m still pretty meh on Leiter, but three straight QS is better than not.

Kyle Finnegan – Was unable to take the mound because of his groin. Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us. If Finnegan is injured, Will Vest should slip right into the closer job.

Kerry Carpenter – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer. “Shame they let lefties pitch.” That’s Kerry’s inner monologue.

Clay Holmes – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.61 vs. Casey Mize – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.87. This was a matchup billed as, “A preview of the World Series unless the Mets’ lack of pitching and the Tigers’ lack of hitting gets in their way.”

Juan Soto – 1-for-4, 1 run. Ya know what’s kinda funny to me, players who suddenly realize they’re near milestone numbers and begin to chase them. It’s awesome for fantasy, don’t get me wrong. Case in point, suddenly Sexy Dr. Pepper realized people care about a 40/30 season, and he’s trying to get there — caught twice yesterday! He even bunted to get on 1st and was picked off, which is hilarious. You know the players who you really want on your fantasy team? The guys going for a milestone from Opening Day, like Acuña in 2023; Ohtani last year; Raleigh this year.

Kodai Senga – Rumors that the Mets might send Senga to the minors to try to get him right for the playoffs. Yes, that’s right, you’re rostering someone in fantasy whose own team doesn’t want him starting for them.

Nestor Cortes – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 4 HRs allowed, ERA at 6.29. Nestor has a 3.4 HR/9 this year. Everything he’s doing for the rest of his career is to make Freddie Freeman’s homer seem less improbable.

Manny Machado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Entire Padres’ offense over there like it’s the Dead Ball Era. Jackson Merrill has gout and nine homers.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 1-for-5 and his 19th homer. It’s the 1909 Longstockings and their slugger, Fuzzy McCorks, who led the league with seven homers.

Coby Mayo – 1-for-4 and a slam (7) and legs (2). He had the 2nd worst OPS in MLB in August, in front of only PCA. To point out how gross that list was, Mauricio Dubon was only 5th worst. Though, it’s September now and who cares.

Colton Cowser – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Wowser Cowser!

Cade Povich – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.16. DNA tests are back and Povich is a Streamonator call.

Jackson Holliday – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer. This isn’t quite the insult it’s gonna sound like but Holliday’s best path forward for fantasy value is having seasons like the best we saw from Bo Bichette. Bo was the top fantasy guy one year, so it’s not a complete knock. (That was clearly a weird year.) Holliday can hit .300+, 110 runs, solid RBIs for a leadoff guy and belt 17-20 homers with 15-20 steals. Absolutely valuable. This current incarnation is boring as urine. (Is that a saying?)

Alex Jackson – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Ya ever think the O’s aren’t a team as much as a Jackson Name Generator?