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Happy Father’s Day to all of you who celebrated yesterday by saying, “Did you hear that? The dog just farted,” when you farted. We see you, we love you, we smell you. Change your shorts. You sharted. One guy who will not shart nor blame the Labrador is Henry Davis, who was called up. Just yesterday, Itch told you to stash Henry Davis, saying, “Davis is slashing .321/.472/.571 in eight games at Triple-A. Like the Reds are doing with C.E-S, the Pirates have been playing Davis in the outfield, where his athleticism fits well. I don’t understand why he couldn’t play outfield a couple days a week, DH a couple and catch a couple, even if he’s got some things to learn behind the plate. Reminds me I’d like to throw a plate at Grey’s head.” What on earth? To give you an idea of my excitement, I had Jordan Hicks, due to saves, at the front of my FAAB queue, then had Emmet Sheehan, due to his *makes drool facing*, then I heard Henry Davis was being called up, and moved him into the 1st slot for NL-Only. Bo Naylor being called up is interesting too in mixed leagues, will cover him in the post. Check out this new dance I’m doing, it’s called The Alejan-Drop, I make a face like I just smelled the dog’s fart, but really was looking at Alejandro Kirk’s stats, then move my hand around like I’m dropping Kirk to waivers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Wade Miley – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.28, as he returned from the IL. I’m trying to wrassle a good start out of Nola like a gator salivating below me while I hold on for dear life on a mechanical bull, and Miley’s just like NBD. Streamonator hates his next, but I’d absolutely be starting Miley.
Brandon Bielak – Sent down to Triple-A, which is kinda irrelevant, but it’s so funny the expectations of the Astros. Bielak had a 4.37 ERA; that’s practically league average!
Corey Julks – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and he was featured in this week’s Buy column. Julks kayin’.
Jake Fraley – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, as he was activated from the IL. Or as the kids call him, fr fr ‘aley.
Spencer Steer – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Somewhere, a CES owner cries.
Dane Dunning – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.78. It’s much funnier having me complain; I know that. But if you allow me one brief moment of bragging: I have Jeffrey Springs, Max Fried, and Woodruff in one league. Wait, how is that bragging? I have a 13 out of 15 in ERA, because of Dunning, Eflin, Gore, Gibson and Merrill Kelly. You need to draft top starters because of why again?
Jon Gray – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.96. Regression Fairies came for Gray, and I did not say anything because I do not have Jon Gray in any leagues.
Leody Taveras – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, 3rd homer this week. Dropped him yesterday before this, because A) I’m an idiot. B) Saw he was hitting 9th. C) There’s no C. D) Doesn’t matter if he’s hitting 9th in that lineup. See A again.
Chris Bassitt – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.16. Who was the person who made the birthday wish that there would be no good pitching this year? Can you take it back?
Kyle Schwarber – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. You have 11 more days, bro!
Bryce Elder – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.60. Braves have some sorta batshit deal with the devil where their starters are good for one year. Tell me I’m crazy and I will simply not listen to you.
Eddie Rosario – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer, and five homers in four games. Oh. I mean, HOLY *hits button that plays audio of Senator Clay Davis*
Ozzie Albies – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer. This season has taught me, “Fade the Braves at your own risk.”
Michael Harris II – 5-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .249. Megahertz is doing it now on a team that didn’t draft him, which makes it Megahertz even worse for the team that drafted him.
Ryan McMahon – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer. That he hit these in Atlanta makes me immediately suspicious of what balls they’re using in Atlanta.
Edward Cabrera – Out with a shoulder impingement, and that means Eury Perez stays in the roation, so he can throw too many innings this year and have a shoulder impingement next year, or whatever the hell Alcantara has.
Braxton Garrett – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.88. I won’t do that thing where I subtract that one horrid start from Braxton’s line where he gave up 11 ER because no one likes the person who does that, but, if you were to do that, he’s basically been an ace.
Jacob Amaya – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 1st steal, as he started at short for the Marlins. He was called up on Saturday after seven years in the minors. That’s what they’re calling Jacob’s Ladder to the majors. Between him and Wendle at short for the Marlins, and I’m taking Amaya. He’s not super exciting for mixed leagues, but could hit for a decent average and a little pop and speed for NL-Only.
Lane Thomas – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .287. Quietly having a great season. Call him The Librarian.
Bo Naylor – 0-for-4, 1 run as he was called up. Natural to ask Naylor or Davis, so let’s see: Both are 23; both on teams that would only call them up if they were going to play them; both have big power; both have handful of steals speed; both might hit .240 or lower. I lean Davis because he has the best chance to see more at-bats in the field, which means some more counting stats. They might be a coin flip.
Josh Naylor – 4-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs, 5th steal, hitting .288, on pace for 115 RBIs. Get out the noisemakers for how excited I am for people in the comments asking Naylor questions and not specifying which one. Hell is, “Grey, which do you like: Garcia, Rosario or Naylor?”
Tanner Bibee – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.05. I’ve sorta moved on from Bibee in shallower leagues, so now he needs a monocle’ing again, then go through Streamonator, which does like his next.
Christian Walker – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. 32 homers is what this Walker’s pace is. This was brought to you by New Balance.
Michael Massey – Hit the IL with a finger laceration. Laces out!
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .300, and 6th homer since Monday. This week having Ohtani in my hitting lineup was the best week of my life; I will never forget this joy.
Mike Trout – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 15th homer, hitting .252. He’s in perhaps his worst month of his career: two homers, hitting .151, before yesterday. Guess he’s no longer a no doubt Hall of Famer anymore. Oh well. *dodges tomato* What?
Tyler Anderson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.64. He goes to Coors next. Streamonator simply says of that next matchup, “Haha, sure.”
Justin Steele – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.71, as he was activated from the IL. Wouldn’t go out and pursue Steele because of his previous forearm strain, but that ship has sailed for my teams. I have him, and a Steele ship is a tanker and my teams were tanking without him. So, I’m Lois Lane, baby go brr brr, heat me up, man of Steele!
Mike Tauchman – 1-for-3 and a slam (1) and legs (3), as he continues to hit leadoff, because he’s got blackmail on David Ross. Don’t even care if Tauchman’s been hot; he has a worse case for leadoff in that lineup than about eight other guys.
Christopher Morel – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, as he hits 7th, and .291. Now at 28/11/.247 in 143 career games. That sounds like he should be benched for the next three games.
Anthony Santander – 2-for-5 and his 10th homer. Would still bet the over for him hitting 15 more homers.
Blake Snell – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.48. If Snell is starting his “Great after the All-Star Break” in June, then… *places hands on chin* …tell me more.
Bobby Miller – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 2.83. Not saying I’m happy that Bobby Miller regressed because Grayson and Gavin Stone put me in such a hole I can’t even push a breathing straw out, but I’m also not not happy.
Tony Gonsolin – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 2.92. Funny when people hear I live in LA and assume I’m a Dodgers fan. Mean’s while, I’m cheering so loudly for their pitchers to regress. As I’ve said before, grew up a Yanks fan, I don’t like any teams now.
Alex Cobb – Hit the IL with an oblique–Who cares, stash Kyle Harrison now.
Jason Foley – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.30, and his 3rd save as Lange (0 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.13) worked, poorly, the 8th. Most waiver claims are likely headed to Hicks for SAGNOF, but don’t sleep on Foley (not without a massive number of pillows).
Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Also, in this game, Kerry Carpenter (3-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 5th homer. Both guys are doing all they can to stay on my monocled radar, while not doing more.
Hogan Harris – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.45. Julks/Hogan both have good Sundays? You’ve trampled the memory of The Iron Sheik.
Brayan Bello – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.49. Be lying if I said I fully trusted him, but he looks very good when he’s on. Wouldn’t shock me to see some ups and downs, but he could absolutely grow into an ace very quickly. His change is basically unhittable and his fastball sits 96.
Tim Anderson – Missed yesterday and he was pulled from Saturday’s game. Supposedly because of his shoulder, but I think it’s because he’s going through some drama in his personal life. Let’s just say, it’s like he’s the star of the song Ms. Jackson. Can see the fantasy news sites updates already, “Tim Anderson (baby mama drama) out.”
Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 16 Ks, ERA at 6.51. Can’t imagine hating a guy more than this schmohawk. Just after dropping him everywhere he does this. Incredible. Perfect that Wong dropped a bunt stopping Lynn from getting the White Sox strikeouts record, because Lynn is total dick. Lance Lynn looks like Stay Puft and I’m telling him to Stay Fukt.
Bryce Miller – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.68. He had two giant blips in back-to-back games, but has now pitched well in back-to-back. Streamonator showing him go to Camden next, and I’d be willing to gamble on him again.
Francisco Lindor – 1-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (13) and legs (7). In the video at the top of the page, Anime Grey says to sell Lindor, mentioning Alonso being out. Well, that’s now wrong, but I’d still look at selling him.
Tommy Pham – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Pham’s having the type of season you love to see in NL-Only leagues, but you can’t have him in certain leagues, like mixed or football.
Pete Alonso – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Normally, I’d do a Kevin from ESPN goof here, but let me just say, I love how quick Alonso came back. I know he goes by Polar Bear, but dude’s a sneaky donkey, and we love that.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer. Check this out, the lyrics to We Built This City that Starship wrote on toilet paper. Here, over by this open window–NOOOOOO!!! Torenado!
Paul DeJong – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Colonel Mustard in the foyer with a pronunciation guide for how to say “foyer!”
Jordan Walker – 1-for-3 and a slam (6) and legs (3), hitting .296. If he wasn’t sent down, he’d be competing hard with Corbin Carroll for ROY, and Oli Marmol should be fired before this season is over.
Jordan Hicks – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.15, and his 1st and 2nd saves this weekend. I love chaos and there’s nothing more chaotic than a suddenly new closer for this week’s FAAB run, and one that might not be the closer by Tuesday.
Adam Wainwright – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.56. Not fantasy related, but is there anything sadder than a guy who stayed one year too long? Wainwright might be the pinnacle of “One year too long.” All his boys retired last year, and he’s McConaughey’ing around with the Cards.
