From Ranger Danger To Framber Alert But All That’s Missing Is Runs

How about Framber Suarez! I mean, how about Ranger Valdez! Ramber Suadez! Frager Valrez! How about them all? Can you not put your hands together and celebrate good pitching without them being aces? You’re such a try-hard with your, “Ooh, I need aces,” and I’m like, “These guys are good enough for you,” all preseason, and you’re like, “I think I need someone else, how about Cole Ragans?” And I’m like, “Damn it, I’m literally describing myself now because I have that schmohawk Cole Ragans in multiple leagues!” Okay, but I also have Framber Valdez (7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.88) and Ranger Suarez (7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.08). Framber first: He has almost 1000 career innings and around a 3.25 ERA. Do you not have an ERA category in your leagues? He has a career K/9 around one K per inning. Is that not good? It’s good! I was being rhetorical! Or ironic! Or something only the Brits understand. As for Ranger Suarez: He has almost exactly the same career ERA as Framber and it’s in just under 700 IP. He has a K/9 in the 8’s and a WHIP in the 1.20’s. He’s not quite the pitcher that Framber is, but he’s about as rock solid of a number two as you’re gonna find outside of eating pebbles and a laxative. Framger Saldez is very good for fantasy! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chase Burns – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks as he was called up. Pitchers to strike out the first six batters in their 1st two innings of a MLB debut in history: Burns, Al Leiter and Wade Davis. That’s actually a great segue into what I was thinking while Burns was pitching and his dad was speaking about baseball humbling you. It’s such a great game because you must make adjustments. Even as good as Burns looked, he got into some trouble and left a meatball for Rice for a new Chef Boyardee dish and things didn’t go as well as they were going in the first two innings. The stuff is legit, but rookie pitchers must adjust. Since Misiorowski is so fresh in my mind, I think Burns looked better with location, and Misiorowski looked better on stuff. They both could be aces like, say, Al Leiter, but they must make adjustments unlike, say, Wade Davis.

Ben Rice – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer. If you combine Judge’s homers and the homers of the guy who is hitting in front of him, that’s 800 homers. Approximately.

Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.92. This might drop him a little because of a no decision, but, prior to this game, he was in the top 20 on the Player Rater. Not for starters, the top 20 overall.

Ketel Marte – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and third homer in five games. Doode is so underrated. (By me, and really only by me. No one else underrates him.) It’s crazy how underrated he is (no, he’s not).

Ryne Nelson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 BBs, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.71. Hard to draw too many conclusions from this game because it was vs. the Shite Sox and Streamonator hates his next one.

Noah Syndergaard – Signed with the White Sox. Not great for fantasy baseball, but excellent for fantasy role-playing with Vikings.

Luis Robert Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .185. As BDon points out on just about every pod, LouBob has hit below .200 in every month. BDon playing fast and furious with facts, because LouBob hit .231 in the four days of March.

Ben Brown – Optioned to the minors. Hopefully those minors have very ripe tomatoes. You failed us, Brown! (Which is what I would’ve said too, if I went there.)

Seiya Suzuki – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, 3rd homer in three games. Tied his career high in homers. And this was in a half season! Please, baseball, make sense one time.

Nico Hoerner – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (15). This homer was off Steven Matz, and unfortunately for him, a homer allowed to Nico Hoerner means you can’t pitch in the majors any more. Have you considered the KBO?

Jameson Taillon – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.47. Regression Fairies are little wicked creatures, who loved Wicked and have seen it multiple times!

Lars Nootbaar – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and third homer in five games. Noot schmotato!

Nolan Gorman – 3-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Okay, now I’m beginning to think he was getting a steady diet of meatballs, because No-Go is short for not good.

Masyn Winn – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. I don’t know how it’s possible — it shouldn’t be! — but Winn somehow has a lot more homers than steals. Does he have plantar fascism or whatever it’s called?

Michael McGreevy – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.22. More like McGrody.

Taj Bradley – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 BB, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.57. I promise you nothing, except one thing. If you pick up Taj for his next start, he will kill your ratios.

Danny Jansen – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in his last two games, but that’s dating back to Saturday, but I guess that’s only one game, since they had Monday off. Any hoo! Jansen appears hot.

Kris Bubic – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.18. Eight Ks to zero walks takes out the trash, says sorry when you’re late and absolutely gets the job done.

Bryce Eldridge – Wil miss about a month with a strained hamstring. Odd thing to find in an colander.

Christian Koss – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Chris Koss will make you jump, jump.

Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.52. He returned from the paternity list, after welcoming his first grandchild.

Garrett Crochet – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.06. Maybe Garrett can Crochet something for Verlander’s grandkid. Slam, bam, thank you, Grey’s brain!

Christian Moore – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer, 2nd and 3rd homer in five games, but he’s only played in 12 games total, so kind of a Silly Billy to point out how many homers in how many games. Power is clearly there and doesn’t seem to be an issue. His contact is as bad as advertised.

Brent Rooker – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .278. Quick drop him! He stinks!

Denzel Clarke – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. What’s even more unbelievable is he scaled the wall and almost robbed himself.

Kerry Carpenter – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Let me guess, it was off a righty. Okay, I’m not guessing, but I could’ve guessed! I Could’ve Guessed, the world’s easiest game show. Players are fed the answers, and, after being asked, they say the answers back to the host, then say, “I could’ve guessed!”

Dillon Dingler – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. So, this is kinda sad. Ya know the Dingler’s Dingers, the guys who show up at the Tigers games dressed as poop emojis? Well, it was so hot yesterday, one Dingler Dinger passed out and the medic was like, “I’m not CPR’ing a piece of crap in case a video of it goes viral,” and, well, this homer we’re dedicating to Kev’s wife, Nancy. You can join us any time, even without Kev.

Tarik Skubal – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.29. Home vs. the A’s and that’s what he did? Bro absolutely had money on the game. Y’all been Fandueled!

Andrew Heaney – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.48. “No, no, no, stop at June!” That’s the Pirates talking to another team’s GM, who is looking at his stats, as they try to trade him.

Nick Gonzales – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Already working on this week’s Buy column for its release today to Patreons, and Gonzales is as hot as they come.

Joey Ortiz – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. Also, in this game, Caleb Durbin (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 4th homer. Elias Sports Bureau said, “The likelihood of both of these players registering their fourth homer in the same game was 17 million to one, but, just for full disclosure, this calculator watch was accidentally left outside in a rainstorm.”

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .289. Why doesn’t someone suggest him as the closer? Weird time to bring this up, because Tanner Scott (1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.65) was excellent last night, but say he can’t go tomorrow, bring in Ohtani to close it out. Imagine how insane that would be? A 50-homer, 20-steal, 20-save closer/slugger? My God.

Luis Castillo – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.69 vs. Chris Paddack – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.64. This matchup was billed as, “This is the Twins vs. M’s, who are you giving up runs to Dominic Canzone and Kody Clemens (8th homer)? Oh, I see, you are.”

Eric Lauer – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at…what? Guess you, SOB, guess! C’mon! How hard could it be? Guess within a half run. It’s in 40 2/3 IP, does that help? It shouldn’t. His ERA is 2.21. Zoinks! So, he has a 9.1 K/9, 3.1 BB/9 and 32.4% ground ball rate, i.e., ball’s in the air, but not going anywhere. Or at least not with men on (HR/9 is 1.11). This is a long way of saying the Regression Fairies will come for him at some point, but how can you ignore what he’s doing?

George Springer – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .256. Considering I left him for dead roughly two years ago, this year is not bad. Is “not bad for a presumably dead person” good? No.

Logan Allen – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.25. Streamed him and, in fairness to Streamonator, it said not to, but I have marbles en la cabeza. (Mostly streamed him because I’m a Horndog for two-start starters.)

Carlos Santana – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer. Oye como yay!

Lane Thomas – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Actually have him in one league, and when I saw he homered, I thought, “Well, I know he’s on my bench,” because of how awful he’s been, but, sadly (I think sadly), I actually started him because of how few options I have. Sigh.

Spencer Strider – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 4.07. He had three no-hit innings and I kinda expected him to throw a no-hitter. That’s just what he’s capable every time out.

Raisel Iglesias – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.65, and his 9th save. Oh, you thought you were smart picking up Dylan Lee? Oh, did you? Haha, bring out the Closer Cuck Chair!

Sean Manaea – Shut down with elbow discomfort. Oooooooo…[eats a sundae while sobbing]…oooooof.

Frankie Montas – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, as he was activated. Before the game, Jeremy Hefner, in cape while waving a magic wand over a top hat, said, “Ala-kazoo, ala-kazaam,” and pulled another Clay Holmes out of his hat.

Charlie Morton – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.63. If you turn a corner, stop. You don’t have to keep turning corners, because then you end back where you were originally in Crapsville.

Gary Sanchez – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He was in last Friday’s Buy column, and he’s aiming to be in this Friday’s. “Get a Sanchez at Friday’s,” used to have to do with leaving a smudge of guac on the bathroom handle to tell someone you’re ready. Ready for what? I don’t know, you perv! You were the one who left guac on the bathroom door handle at a Friday’s!

Ryan O’Hearn – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. He went back-to-back with Urias. Whoa, leave that for Jennifer Connelly.

Jacob Latz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.22. He came so close to a no-hitter and I came so close to needing to write 300 words about him. Sucks for him, but whew for me!

Cody Bradford – Will miss rest of season with elbow surgery. This is why pitchers shouldn’t throw hard.