Fernandoh!

Fernando Tatis Jr. went down in a heap after a swing, and I fell off my couch, rolled three feet and laid there for twenty minutes until Ted, my dog, placed his butt on my face, the sign we mutually agreed on for “he needs to be walked.” Outside, we spotted two pigeons teaching a third how to fly again with broken wings. I stood by that hopeful scene signing Mr. Mister, “Take these broken wings…and learn to fly again, learn to live so free,” and I was briefly uplifted. Then, the branch they were perched on fell, and deposited all three in front of traffic. Feathers blew up in my face, triggering my allergies and I told Ted, “Let’s go home and sob under some blankets.” It’s impossible to know fully, until the Padres say one way or the other, but you’d have to think that Tatis only injures himself on a swing if he was playing hurt already. As of this writing, the Padres are saying a partial dislocation, which would mean weeks vs. months, and would be relatively good news. Also, if you can even think about next steps, I grabbed Jurickson Profar, and Jake Cronenworth and Ha-Seong Kim should see an increase in playing time. I await further news while securely under these blankets. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Adrian Morejon – 4 IP, 2 ER, 2 Ks. Ugh, so few Ks. Forget Morejon, we needed Mostjon.

Evan Longoria – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Not sure which season it was of Desperate Housewives that featured a Zombino, but it’s running on repeat this month.

Akil Baddoo – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and a grand slam (2) and legs (1), hitting .429. Okay, I’m in. Don’t even care if Akil Baddoo is Chris Shelton, Part Baddeux. If it is, I will drop him after he slows down in a week.

Nelson Cruz – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 5 RBIs with his 1st and 2nd homer. As he rounded the bases on the first home run, Nelson Cruz yelled, “Get off my lawn!” As he rounded the bases on the 2nd home run, he turned 84 years old. Happy birthday, Nelly!

Matt Shoemaker – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. “You have 44 more innings left this year, use them wisely.” That’s a genie talking to Shoemaker.

Luis Arraez – Left yesterday’s game with an injury. Replacing Arraez was Willians Astudillo (3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs), who came straight from working a kid’s birthday party where he was performing as a “terrible fielding catcher, who can hit .310” and he went by the name:  Yermin Mercedes. By the by, how does Mercedes not have a giant dookie gold chain with a Mercedes emblem hanging from it? Yo, you need Grey to give you drip lessons?

Joakim Soria – Hit the IL with a calf strain. *insert guy from Half Baked* “Moo this man!” Kevin Ginkel was warming up the other day when Soria came into the 8th (for no apparent reason!), so he’d be my choice for closer replacement. Chris Devenski got the save, and you have to ask yourself, how badly do you want the 5.00 ERA-slash-4 saves coming from one of these guys. Oh, and Crichton is there too, which is appropriate since it’s a mystery who their closer is.

Daniel Ponce De Leon – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. Not sure what the Streamonator said about this start, but I’d start anyone vs. the Marlins.

Tommy Edman – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Wow, all I thought I was getting from Edman was position eligibility.

Elieser Hernandez – Hit the IL with biceps inflammation. Get a tat of flames on your arm and shizz happens. He’s likely out for months vs. weeks. It’s not good.

Trevor Rogers – 4 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks. Early on, Mr. Rogers wasn’t in the neighborhood of the plate. He did always like to go for a walk in a Card again, but he settled down and, yeah, I’m interested in all leagues.

Kevin Pillar – 1-for-5, 1 run as he hit leadoff. Is this for real? I told you not to draft Dom Smith and didn’t myself, but the Mets had an extra four days and they come back with Kevin Pillar at leadoff? Insert Gordon Ramsay, “Oh, f*ck off.” A typo and leading off with Villar would’ve made more sense.

Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Wasn’t drafting any of the top starters, but I’m a big stupid person for not putting deGrom number one. I guess the Mets’ inability to get him any offense could hold him back, but his pitching is silly.

Matt Moore – 3 1/3 IP, 2 ER. Matt Moore looks like he has this exchange a lot: Random person, “You look like someone…” Matt Moore, “George Clooney?” Random person, “No, that’s not it.” Any hoo! I’m not at all interested yet, outside of NL-Only leagues.

Austin Hays – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. *places hand on chin to think things over* Pardon me, I’m just Mullins’ing things over.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. After the game, he said, “Why does my backpack keep following me?” At which time, I stuck my legs through the bag and walked away.

Aaron Judge – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. This game was known colloquially as, “When the Orioles remembered they sucked.”

Jordan Montgomery – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. Lot of noise around the Yanks that shouldn’t always be believed, because the media echo chamber they play in, but Montgomery is actually good.

Colin Moran – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many days. Hot schmotato alert! Also, in the 1st inning, Evans homered. Evans and Moran, can only mean Good Times and Happy Days.

Jesse Winker – Wasn’t in Monday’s starting lineup. Real question: You’re sitting on an airplane, and on walks Winker and Byron Buxton. Do you get off the plane for fear something bad is about to happen?

Mike Moustakas – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Moistasskiss!

Nick Castellanos – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. The Greek God of Hard Contact is kicking ass, everyone else is Castellanus.

Jose De Leon – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. This start was vs. the Pirates, so, of course, it’s worth it, but Streamonator had itself a nice little day yesterday.

Bryan Reynolds – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. They should have a Yinzer challenge where they approach people on the streets of Pittsburgh and ask them which Pirates player they’re most excited about. “My parrot doesn’t just count to eleven, he can list the career stats of Kent Tekulve.” That’s a Pirates fan who can’t name a current rostered player.

Logan Allen – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Looked pretty usable, but can’t really argue strongly he isn’t Danny Duffy Jr. Though, Streamonator loves his next one.

Whit Merrifield – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Way too lazy and uninterested to do the simple search, but it feels like Merrifield is great every April only to eventual cool.

Jesse Hahn – 1 IP, 0 ER and his save, even though Greg Holland, Scott Barlow, literally everyone was rested. I think I’ve figured out what’s going on. If people have to tune in every ninth inning to see who the closer is, it appears that people are watching the Royals, and that’s good for ad buys.

Tim Anderson – Out with a sore hammy. You and Kermit, man.

Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Think he’s rostered in most leagues, so it doesn’t matter, but I always struggle trusting Rodon.

Yermin Mercedes – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .667. Okay, the guy’s name is practically German Mercedes. Are we sure this isn’t a LARP? Was he engineered by a man named Dieter with an eyepatch? Did he come up in the minors with a guy named Slav Yugo? Find me some answers!

Chad Pinder – Hit the IL with a knee sprain. The A’s could turn to Ka’ai Tom, who sounds like the guy in your office who went to Hawaii and found himself. “Tom, you gonna stare at that coconut monkey bank all day or you gonna work?” “Please, call me Ka’ai Tom.” So, Tom’s got contact problems — 28+% strikeout rate incoming, and might hit .210, but has some power and a little speed for AL-Only.

Frankie Montas – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Not trying to be a homer here in Los Angeles of Los Angeles, but don’t come halfsies on the Dodgers, or they will steamroll you.

Mark Canha – 2-for-5 and his 1st homer, as he hits leadoff. With all the lineup movement across every single team, Mark Canha feels 95% secure at leadoff, and 100% capable of producing more value than you expect. Canha: Ability to have the last laugh.

Dustin May – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. I wonder if Dustin May aka The Human Carrot was at all fearful on Easter with all those life-sized rabbits running around.

Will Smith – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two days, and, quick! Dave Roberts! Bench him!

Mike Trout – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. Can’t find any scouting reports on this guy. Is he new?

Javier Baez – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Based on nothing, well, I guess on him, so Baez’d on gut, he’s going to have a huge 30/15/.280 season.

David Bote – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. I like to pronounce his last name “beau-tay.”

Keston Hiura – 0-for-4, hitting .000. My bold prediction that Hiura would be demoted to the minors, after hitting under .200 for the first few months is…Well, will he make it a few months?

Eduardo Rodriguez – Threw a bullpen session and hopes to rejoin the rotation this weekend. Hopefully, the Red Sox save an L for Ed-Rod. Tom Cruise wouldn’t want it any other way.

Nick Pivetta – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks. As I told you in my 2015 Nick Pivetta sleeper post, “He’s going to be great in his first start in 2021.” Not sure why none of you listened.

J.D. Martinez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Just Dong because Just Don’t isn’t an option.

Mike Foltynewicz – 4 IP, 4 ER. Foltynewicz is same as Faultyoldwitz.

Steven Matz – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks. Line looks better than it was, and Streamonator liked this start — because the Rangers are not good — and hates Long Island Matz’s next start.

Marcus Semien – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I don’t want to ever live through a year like 2020 again, but I do keep having pings of regret about guys I drafted last year that I don’t have this year. Like a White Russian in a brothel where they don’t use milk, Semien and Ketel would’ve made an orgasmic cocktail.

Cavan Biggio – 1-for-2, 3 runs and his 1st homer. Jays team is Semien and all of the 1998 MLB All-Stars’ semen.