Don’t Be Scared Off Buy The Wait At The DMV (Damn Mark Vientos)

On phone, “War Room, hello? How is your vacation going after draft season? You’re in Turks? Wow, very cool! Must be lovely there. I heard their beaches are beautiful. You heard that too, but your travel agent was actually using a shortened nickname for Turkey? Oh, well, I’m sure that’s nice too. You actually thought you were in a travel agency but you were in a Subway and you bought a turkey sandwich? Oh…But it worked out because you were famished? Well, I’m calling because I want to thank you for having me draft Mark Vientos in every league. With Juan Soto’s injury, Vientos now has everyday playing time. How’d you know Soto would be hurt? You didn’t but were ordering a soda?” So, one’s methods for getting Mark Vientos might not all be same, but I’d pick up Vientos now. His peripherals (small sample) look excellent, and, while Soto is out, it will hopefully give Vientos time to supplant Baty on the depth chart (or Jorge Polanco or Semien or any of these terrible hitters the Mets signed this offseason). “Oh, one last thing, War Room, is this why you told me to draft Jake Burger?” Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! This post was released a week early for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:

BUY

Daniel Susac – Likely more of an NL-Only pickup still, but he’s the only bright spot in the Giants’ lineup, as they collectively hit like it’s the Dead Ball Era, and their bats have been neutered. If you missed that pun, read it back to your male dog and watch as he crosses his legs.

Liam Hicks – I’d just want to say Liam Hicks isn’t actually bad with the bat. He’s not incredible, but not bad. Is he a superstar? No way! But he’s okay. Is he even the best catcher in Miami? No! He’s–Okay, I’ll stop trying to sell him, because it’s making him sound worse.

Dalton Rushing – A little hint on how to get a jump on your competish. First, and foremost, don’t ever say competish out loud, someone will have every right to punch you in your mouth for saying such a douchey word. Second, the 7-day Player Rater is up and running. You can see all the hot schmotatoes.

Josh Bell – More like Gosh A-Ring-Ding-Ding, as he was called by Sammy Davis Jr.

Jake Bauers – More like Make Sours, as he was known to Willy Wonka, okay, I’ll stop doing that now.

TJ Rumfield – I hope he never needs Tommy John surgery, but I would like to hear a conversation with the doctor’s receptionist if he ever checked in for TJ.

Jonathan India – Wonder if India can sneeze onto some of his teammates so they start hitting for power. Mostly talking about the Italian ones. Let’s think of it as a reimagining of the Marco Polo story, but instead of spices, it’s sneezes.

Max Muncy – The good Muncy! The NoCal Muncy! The no-snacks-after-breakfast-you’ll-ruin-your-lunchy Muncy!

Ramon Urias – Hot schmotato, yes, but also don’t look at how many homers the Cards have from their Gorman/Urias platoon compared to what you have from your 1st round draft pick named Juan Soto.

Angel Martinez – He had one big game this week to shoot up the 7-day Player Rater, which is more than quite a few of my 1st round draft picks.

Edouard Julien – I have Julien in quite a few leagues so I’m trying not to say this just because it benefits me and thus jinxes me, but he’s been hitting at the top of the 1927 Rockies’ lineup, which is good for value.

Nasim Nunez – Him stealing bags while being free in drafts was one of the most obvious oversights. Not quite as obvious as Chandler Simpson, but close. Chandler hits for average, which I told you repeatedly. He was not a one-category cat. Yes, this is mostly about Chandler Simpson in Nasim’s blurb, because there’s nothing to say about Nunez other than: Steals.

Brady House – In the minors, he had 60-grade power and 50-grade speed, and I loved him when he was promoted, so why did I and basically everyone forget about him in drafts? I’m not entirely sure, tee bee aitch. He will hit .230 at some point, but 25/10/.230? That doesn’t play? Rhetorical!

Cam Smith – Should be at 100% rostered by now, but he’s not, so here he is.

Jordan Walker – Gave you my Jordan Walker fantasy last week. It was written while caring for an elderly hamster. “He said he has cheese!” screaming into the elderly hamster’s ear.

Garrett Mitchell – Guys who I liked the most who were on the shortlist for the ledes this week: Mitchell, House and Vientos. I’d say Cam Smith, but he should just be rostered.

Jorge Soler – He’s been hot with the bat and in fiery machismo!

Richie Palacios – [building a sand castle with a giant shaft coming out of the ground] This is for Richie Palacios.

Troy Johnston – Hi, I’m Troy Johnston, and you might remember me from the preseason rankings where I was barely ranked in the top 500 with such statements by Grey as, “Is he really the 1st baseman? Will he play? Who the heck is Troy Johnston?” He’s likely nothing more than a bat to play in Coors, but Rockies are hitting him in the middle of the order and his last year in the minors produced 12/31 for Miami’s Triple-A team in only 314 ABs. Maybe he goes 20/20. Wouldn’t completely shock me.

German Marquez – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to a delivery robot it just met.

Jameson Taillon – This is also a Streamonator call. “If you want, I can bring dinner over to your place. No, I’m not mocking your work.”

Didier Fuentes – Did, Dider, Didest, Didier! Stash now!

Bryan Baker – Seems excellent and could be the closer all year, and be one of the biggest pickups. Or not get another save for three weeks because: Kevin Cash.

Gregory Soto – Pirates’ manager LL Donkey is likely going to Dennis Santana for saves, but if a lefty-heavy 9th comes up, maybe Soto will get the save. I also am only 70% sure this is accurate. Soto might just get the Pirates saves.

Bryan King – Should just be the Astros’ closer until Hader returns, not from the future or from the past. Hader doesn’t have a time machine. Why would you think that? You read Ashcraft’s blurb first? C’mon, these are meant to be read in order.

Hogan Harris – Saw Mark Leiter Jr. was listed as Mark Leiter on CBS without the Jr. and I made an email address [email protected] and sent CBS an email cursing them out, and telling them to put some gee-dee respect on my name. Will let you know if they respond. A’s closer could be Hogan Harris or Mark Leiter Jr. (!) or no one worth rostering.

Jakob Junis – Pronouncing his name JAH-cobb to feel something.

Caleb Kilian – I don’t know who the Giants closer is. I want to say it’s Ryan Walker, but [shrugs]. Only thing that seems clear is Tonnato Vitello is in over his head and throwing Hail Marys two weeks into the season to make something work. Maybe he’s consulting with a space rock.

Graham Ashcraft – Looks like the first real big middle reliever breakout. Of course, it’s only, like, six innings, so who knows, middle reliever breakouts are shots in the dark for a few weeks, but he’s showing extra velocity and already was throwing high 90’s. He has an early K/9 that would’ve made a young Hader blush, if a young Hader had a time machine and went to the future and looked at Ashcraft’s K/9.

SELL

Pete Crow-Armstrong – Honestly, I still think it’s too soon to sell anyone. How do you know what a guy has with barely two weeks of a sample size? I don’t think you do. The first two weeks of Sells (Zack Wheeler, Mike Trout) were layups, because I don’t think you should be taking away a lot from, like, 12 games. I’ve barely even made any moves yet. Dropping guys in April is usually a good way to burn yourself in May. I’ve said this multiple times, and mostly ignored, so I’m just talking now for my own amusement. I’m still here, though. I could be researching stuff I care about, like how long a human can subsist on a sea monkey’s diet, but I’m not. I’m committed to you! So, this sell is also somewhat janky because I told you to avoid PCA in drafts, but if you did ignore me and want to make like a beaver and be damned, here’s your chance! I still don’t like PCA. I wouldn’t trade Pete Crow-Armstrong for a sentient doll that was evil, but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.