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Domingo German was coasting once again, had the line 3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.75, when he was ejected for sticky substance. Oh, Domingoo, you giant freakin’ moron. What’s the German word for hearing the Jays talk about the Yankees cheating and thinking, “Hey, that’s a good idea?” Fadenfraud. Also, this whole “touching a guy’s hand” to see if there’s anything on it is so hilariously stupid. Like touching a guy’s hand is scientific. The Handump’s Tale, a dystopian story of how one umpire touched things and was able to discern what on earth was on someone’s hand. “That’s chewing gum and the adhesive from a baby’s diaper.” Umps touching pitchers’ hands is like Name That Tune, but with touching. Domingo German, though, this guy’s a real bumbling idiot:

He’s like the kid who has ice cream all over his shirt then says, “I didn’t eat ice cream.” You’re covered in it, you absolute ding dong! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Judge – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 3rd homer in two games, and, I don’t want to say anything without any proof, but I noticed Judge went to the plate wearing those glasses with the eyes drawn open on them and he was staring at his dugout the whole time. Is the league just going to allow this?

Isiah Kiner-Falefa – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 1st homer. Right before the pitch, rather than looking into the dugout, Israeli Diner Falafel shut his eyes and swung.

Wandy Peralta – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.65, as he got his 3rd save. Go Wankees!

Jared Shuster – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 7.24, as he was recalled. I’m a cyclops with a monocle but his minor league numbers look terrible this year, and I wonder if there’s something wrong with his mechanics. He’s like a Jiffy Lube where the neon in the J isn’t working.

Sean Murphy – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Nice that Snitker hasn’t gone back to d’Arnaud over Murphy. I mean, of course, he shouldn’t, but managers are on the scale of Stupid to An Actual Jackass with stops at Dumb, Kinda Dumb, Dumb Bell, and varying levels of Stupid and Jackass, so you never know.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. Tildaddy says to bring him his bathrobe!

Kumar Rocker – Will have Tommy John surgery. Too many sliders for Kumar, so no more White Castle for him.

Dane Dunning – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.69. I cannot tell a lie, I picked up Dunning for his two-start week. Oh, because you have teams where you can just ignore a guy with a sub-2 ERA? Is Dunning this good? Are you a MLB manager? Because you sound like you might be on the MLB Manager scale. No, he’s not this good. He’s not actually good. Period. It’s not a matter if it’s this good. At some point, Dunning’s name, which sounds like a dramatic sting, is going to make his fantasy owners do the Dramatic Prairie Dog and just a big heaping pile of regression. Also, you can look at Streamonator, but it will never like him, because he’s not good.

Adolis Garcia – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and his 11th homer. Ugh, another game we have to throw out when we’re looking at how well Adolis is doing.

Ezequiel Duran – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. People like to ask some variation of, “When (name) returns, will (name) play?” In this case, it’s Corey Seager and Duran. Why not just play Duran until then and see what happens? Feels like sometimes people are managing their team just in case they go into a two-month coma. You can look at your team again in two days when Seager returns, right?

Nick Senzel – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Has been a pickup for roughly three weeks. Wait one more and he’ll be injured.

Brandon Williamson – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.59 as he was called up by the Reds. Handled Coors well, better than Triple-A, where he had a 6.62 ERA, and a 7.2 K/9 and 5.3 BB/9, which is legit funny. We’re over here drooling over Grayson, and the Reds are promoting a guy who looks like he should be playing in a company softball league and he pitches well. In Coors! Get outta here, baseball, you’re drunk!

Taj Bradley – Could be recalled to start soon. Or Cooper Criswell. Or, more likely, both, and, if not today, within the week. Kevin Cash is innovative, but I don’t think he’s got a workaround for having only two-and-half healthy starters. Taj Bradley is worth grabbing in all leagues, and Cooper Criswell looks like yet another long-man. As I joked on this week’s podcast, the Rays need roughly 350 IP from Shane McClanahanananananan.

Isaac Paredes – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer, hitting .289. I-sock, indeed. Two homers goes a long way to a hot schmotato run, so make like Ethel Merman and love a Paredes.

Jose Siri – 1-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (5) and legs (4). If he had three more homers and three more steals, he’d be in the top 20 on the Player Rater along with every other Rays hitter.

Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.76. Even the Mets can ruin one of the best pitchers of all-time. Incredible cursing they got there in Queens.

Brett Baty – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. How is it Buck Showalter can think the .188-hitting Thomas Phamily should hit above Baty? There’s literally no plausible reason I can imagine.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Albombso!

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Doesn’t hurt that he’s facing a horseshit team, but Lu-Gu-Ju is one of the hottest hitters.

Christian Walker – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs  and his 10th homer. Onward, Christian Walker!

Mason Miller – Diagnosed with a mild UCL sprain. Great news! Now he can come back in two months, have a setback and need Tommy John surgery in August instead of now.

Ramon Laureano – 1-for-6 and his 4th homer. Is it just me or are there others who watch the HBO Max (Max?) show, 100 Foot Wave, and see the one kid’s dad, Ramon Laureano, and think, “Finally, he’s doing something in front of a crowd?”

Brady Singer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 7.09. Yesterday felt like positive regression day, right? Finally! All my dogshit pitchers look half decent!

Seth Lugo – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.10. And finally some of the pitchers who were pitching way above their heads got done.

Clayton Kershaw – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.52. He’ll either regress soon or get injured, maybe both. Don’t boo the messenger.

Kyle Farmer – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting near-.400 in last week. Farmer’s been overalls not great, but toiling in the field recently has paid off soil’ently.

Bailey Ober – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.78. Every pitcher is a 6+ ERA or a sub-2 ERA. Not sure how that is possible, but it’s true. Don’t look it up.

Alex Cobb – 3 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, 5 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.94. Whoever has him, you’re living right! You’re walking between the raindrops of regression.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. He’s hitting .179! Ha, I mean, I get it, it’s not June yet, but wow.

Matt Mervis – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. After not doing anything since his call-up, I finally benched him in one league. Sonavabench!

Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. Please don’t let this hot streak end like all his others, in injury.

Justin Steele -6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.44. His FIP improved from 3.23 to 3.05. No consolation? No, I didn’t think so.

Matthew Liberatore – Will be called up to start on Wednesday. Wow, I just picked him up two days ago in an NL-Only league. Now, he can give me a 5+ ERA and terrible strikeouts, and I will have nailed my best pickup since Gavin Stone! Sorry, do I sound bitter? It’s getting burned by rookie pitcher after rookie pitcher that does it. In Triple-A, he had a 11 K/9, 3.3 BB/9 and 3.33 xFIP with a home run allowed problem. Here’s what Itch said this offseason, “Liberatore did not pitch well in 2022, posting 5.17 ERA in Triple-A and a 5.97 ERA in 34.2 major league innings. He’s young, and lefties sometimes require a little extra patience, but I’m more or less out on owning this lib. His command grade on Fangraphs is 55/70, which, okay, I guess you could put anything on a guy’s future value number because hey you’re talking about the future, but I don’t know how anyone who sees Liberatore walks away thinking he’s got plus command right now. His 1.38 WHIP and 8.3 percent walk rate in Triple-A are just one piece of evidence. His 1.73 WHIP and 11.2 percent walk rate in the majors is another. A quick visual evaluation would give you the same read, unless you happened to see him on a night or two when he’s at his absolute peak in terms of repeating his delivery. I don’t really know where I’m going with this one. Was just shocked to see those grades still on the site today, especially when it takes them half the season just to finish the team reports. The scouts have always been optimistic, but the last time Liberatore posted a WHIP under 1.25 was 2018 in rookie ball. He could stink worse than Grey.” Okay, not cool! I’m super lukewarm on Liberatore. He has a command problem, and that leads quickly to roofies. I’m willing to try him in deeper leagues (I did mention I just grabbed him), but I’m risk adverse on this one.

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 5th homer in as many games. Hey, I just got this signed-by-Dale-Long newspaper clipping about his consecutive games with a home run streak. Check it out, it’s over by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Wade Miley – Left the game with a lat injury. Without Woodruff, Ashby and Miley, the Brewers still have one more starter than the Rays. By July, teams are going to have “First ten people to the park are tonight’s pitchers” Nights.

Brian Anderson – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .245. Also, in this game, Joey Wiemer (1-for-4, .208) hit his 4th homer. If you close your eyes, and think about excitement for Weimer and Brian Anderson, you can almost smell the first week of April.

Michael Lorenzen – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.44. Twenty innings pitched for Lorenzen over his last three starts, and only two earned runs for a 0.90 ERA. Anyone under a 4-ERA feels like an immediate start in today’s climate of terrible pitching. Streamonator hates Lorenzen’s next start, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t intrigued.

Chase Silseth – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.40. Angels develop prospects like, well…Let’s go to Jo Adell for his thoughts. Jo…? Anyone see Jo?

Mickey Moniak – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, and he’s only played in three games. Don’t love benching Renfroe like yesterday for Moniak to see time, but, at some point soon, Moniak’s playing time is gonna mean benching Ward.

Ryan Mountcastle – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Without googling it, I think this is the first game Mountcastle only homered once. Mountcastle has been the all-or-nothing guy this year. He even homered from the DH spot, which was vacated by Ryan O’Hearn, who homered earlier.

Triston Casas – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. They call that a Casas run.

Justin Turner – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .269. Not bad for a guy who gets stopped on the street because people think it’s AM/PM’s mascot, Toomgis.

Jarren Duran – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (7), hitting .351. Wish all my guys who regressed did so as well as Jarren Duran.

Luis Castillo – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.31. People were asking in the comments why the Streamonator didn’t like the Castillo start yesterday. The robot’s got its ways.

Brayan Rocchio – 1-for-2 as he was recalled. Here’s what I said when he was called up the last time, “If it were announced that the Guards broke into the Astros’ computers and stole their scouting files, it wouldn’t shock me. Or maybe, due to the Astros’ success, everyone is following their lead on how to develop and/or scout players. Rocchio is Kwan, who was in a Michael Brantley mold who is the player both teams try to emulate. Okay power, decent speed, great contact. And the only place Brantley’s ever played? Cleveland and Houston! Okay power, decent speed, great contact is Rocchio. He doesn’t really have a job to play though.” And that’s me quoting me! Not really sure why he was called up, unless the Guards are fed-up with the lack of Amed and Andres production, because I know their fantasy owners are.

Shane Bieber – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 hits, 4 Ks, ERA up to 3.20. And I don’t think the regression is going to end there, unfortunately.

Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 1 ER,7 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.66. Finally! His ERA reveals who he truly is! The devil himself! On my bench for his one good start! I hate him so much!

Luis Robert – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer, hitting .274. Also, in this game, Jake Burger (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 9th homer, and Gavin Sheets (1-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 5th homer. Luis Robert, Burger and Sheets…Shorthand, that’s Lou Bob with the Dutch Oven.

Jazz Chisholm – Out for four to six weeks with turf toe. His toe is de-seeds’d! You buy one Chia Pet, drop it on your foot and you get turf toe. Incredible. I said only about two dozen times in the preseason, I didn’t like that Jazz was playing center field, because it was only a matter of time before he ran into the wall and injured himself. Am I soothsayer? A sayer of soothes? No, Einstein! It was freakin’ obvious! The Marlins took him from a position he was comfortable with and shoved him into one where he wasn’t. Inconceivably dumb.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.16. The Luzard King was a sleeper of mine in the preseason, and all his peripherals look fine, and he’s been a bit unlucky on BABIP, but lucky on LOB% and he has an ERA under-4 so you’ll take it and like it!

Lane Thomas – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer, as he continue to hit lead off, but that’s for the Nats, so that’s like hitting 9th for a better team. Still Thomas has been hot for the better part of the month. All homers have been hit in May, and he’s hitting .320-ish in the month.

Josiah Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.73. Thank you for being Gray, but not Grayson.

Hunter Harvey – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.32. He blew his third save, which is pretty remarkable, since he’s not even the Nats’ closer!