Matthew Boyd (3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 7.63) is the ultimate poison pill. If I could, I’d hack into my opponent’s team and put Boyd on their team, and the crazy thing is they’d prolly thank me because there are a lot of FanBoydz out there who think he’s somehow worth owning. Sorry, not just worth owning, but people actively want him. It’s a sickness, FanBoydosis. People affected with FanBoydosis, aka FanBoydz, want you to believe there is so much more here. Oh, there could be, but he needs to stop allowing home runs. He goes from an ace to an Ace of Clubbed from start to start with no consistency, but that K/BB is so tantalizing–Hold up! I’ve been afflicted by FanBoydosis. I’m 250 words into a post about the Brewers and Corbin Burnes (7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.99), talking about Boyd. Not sure what they feed the Brewers’ pitchers — hops? — but Burnes is now throwing his fastball 96 MPH, up from 95, and has completely changed his pitch mix (slider and fastball way less with a cutter and change added). He was essentially a two-pitch pitcher, and now throws four. His 12.7 K/9, 3.8 BB/9 is giving me the feels that I thought I’d get from Woodruff. Is Burnes a number one? Time will tell, but he has the makings. Also, in this game, Jedd Gyorko (2-for-5, and his 6th and 7th homer) went double dong like Jennifer Connelly, and I don’t even want to look at the Player Rater to see how much higher Gyorko is than a bunch of guys who I own. My mental health isn’t worth it. I get it, it’s not Jedd; I’m the Gyorko. Next up, Jacob Nottingham (1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 2nd homer. Fun fact! Nottingham was the not very successful spin-off to Mountcastle. Now Orlando Arcia (4-for-6, 3 runs) didn’t homer, but four-hit games from Orlando gives Florida Man a good name. Over to Ryan Braun (3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) who hit his 3rd homer. Have I mentioned the Brewers scored 19 runs? Flavor Flav through sobs, “Yeah, Boyd.” Finally, Tyrone Taylor (4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 1st major league homer. He looks like a Quad-A prospect and sounds like a silent film star. Tyrone Taylor Chaplin-steps into frame, motions that his pockets and skills are empty, then a silent film title card reads, “What about Matthew Boyd?” Not you too, Tyrone! Well, with 19 runs scored, at least I have Keston Hiura. He went 0-for-2 without a run scored?Holy ticker tease! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Adam Duvall – 3-for-4, 5 runs, 9 RBIs and his 11th, 12th and 13th homer. This is the 2nd time he’s homered three times in a game this year, and the first time was only eight days ago. That’s one week for John, Paul, George or Ringo! Wow, Duvall’s really swinging Aunt Shelley well this year. Raise your hand if you had Adam Duvall as your NL MVP, and drafted him in every league. Okay, everyone with their hand down can now begin to cry. It’s gonna be hilarious when you’re at the end of the season looking at Duvall on waivers with more homers and RBIs than anyone on your team. Hee-larious.

Freddie Freeman – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 8th homer. Pretty cool that baseball is like a game of bingo, but instead of Manfred picking out balls with numbers, he picks out SuperBalls that will get crushed for home runs on routine fly-outs, and he sends them off to certain games. I wrote up the Brewers’ game for the lede thinking 19 runs was a lot. Joke’s on me, Jack! Are the Braves still scoring runs?

Ozzie Albies – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (1) as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “If we get paid for when we’re at jury duty, I’m not sure why I can’t ask for pay while on trial for failure to pay child support.”

Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-7, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. The French Terminator doing it for the red, white and blue, but no stars, because French.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Tildaddy says you can have an ice pop!

Pablo Lopez – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.50 vs. Tommy Milone – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.69. “Hey, what ya wanna do for our spa day?” “I don’t know, ruin someone’s ratios.” “Hmm, I know a game where we can ruin two pitchers’ ratios in one full swoop.” “Well, swoop me in!” That was the Regression Fairies just absolutely crushing my hopes and dreams with Pab-Lo. In fairness to him, one play went different in the 2nd, and it might’ve been a different outing for him. In fairness to me, there is no fairness to me.

Lewis Brinson – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. About ten days ago, I said Brinson looked like he’s showing signs of the hitter he can be, and hasn’t really let up since. Every at-bat I see of him, he’s on the ball, and turning out good at-bats.

Jazz Chisholm – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He had the two hardest parts of the cycle by the 4th inning, and I started making Jazz hands around the house like I had a WAP! Wet ass polish. Like nail polish. I was waving my hands. Wait, what did you think I meant?

Deivi Garcia – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.06, as he was recalled from the alternate training site, and sent back there by the time you read the end of this sentence if I stall long enough but maybe not but maybe so but maybe–Well, he’ll prolly be sent back there. By the by, have you seen Deivi pitch? He’s 4’11” and weighs 94 pounds. That’s not an exaggeration.

Gleyber Torres – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .234. Before yesterday’s game, Torres shut off his Netflix and said, “Wait, quarantine’s over?”

DJ LeMahieu – 1-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (5) and legs (2), hitting .355. I know, I know, I KNOW! I said I’d never doubt LeMahieu again, but five homers and two steals? This is what we’re excited about? *thinks about owning Ketel Marte* Okay, fair enough.

Rowdy Tellez – Hit the IL with a knee strain, and is done for the year. Wonder if Tellez suffers from Gamelitis, the ailment that affects young players who get injured when they finally get a chance to play, named after Mat Gamel, whose name is being kept alive by me and me only (okay, and maybe him).

Nate Pearson – Will return as a reliever, if he can build up enough stamina. This sounds like a nothing story, but I bet this turns out to be one of those stories we go back to next year when Pearson still can’t throw 5+ innings. Way to ruin a young arm. What, is the Angels’ pitching staff now managing the Jays?

Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.12 vs. Danny Duffy – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.24. *Manfred picking a ball out for the Indians/Royals game* “Shoot, this game’s gonna be low-scoring.” Any hoo! Carrasco is owned (or should be), and Duffy is a Streamonator call.

Robert Gsellman – Hit the IL with a fractured rib. Todd Frazier blamed Gsellman’s rib on Adam’s Eaton.

Jeff McNeil – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Ever since I said if he homers every game this week, he’d be back on a 23-homer pace like last year, and he’s homered every game this week. Let me try something, Ketel Marte will have his wrist magically healed and be worth the 3rd round pick by me in every league. Anything…?

Pete Alonso – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .234. Albombso!

Michael Conforto – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer. Before Mets’ GM Brodie Van Whatner gets fired this offseason, he should trade Conforto for Ken Giles. Just one finishing stunod move.

Andres Gimenez – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Amed who?! Amed Rosario was the Mets’ shortstop before Gimenez–I know, Random Italicized Voice, it’s a figure of speech. “Amed who” isn’t a figure of speech.

DJ Stewart – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and five homers in the last four games. You can try to find a hotter schmotato, but I don’t think you’re gonna be able to. Unless Adam “Three-Homer” Duvall is available.

Ryan Mountcastle – 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .383. Shocked at what a mature hitter he appears to be, but I should’ve known since BBC’s Mountcastle is for mature audiences.

Danny Santana – Underwent elbow surgery where an internal brace is inserted rather than one of Tommy John’s tendon. Wonder if he ran out.

Isiah Kiner-Falefa – 4-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th steal, hitting .322. Look at Israeli Diner-Falafel being Treat Urner while Treat-Urner is Mike Trout.

James McCann – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and two homers (4, 5). He said afterwards, “The first home run was for my brother, Brian, and the 2nd homer was for my can.” That stuff chokes me up.

Dane Dunning – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.70. He’s been so excellent and should be rostered in every league, so don’t take this the wrong way, but I want to show his line vs. the Pirates to every pitcher who faces them, and be like, “See? This is what you do vs. the Pirates. It’s not that hard.”

Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Moistasskiss! (Finally.)

Trevor Bauer – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.74. He singlehandedly softened the blow of Pab-Lo. I guess that’s a Pa-blo.

Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.77. The bar is so high for him that even a solid, if unremarkable start is, well, unremarkable.

Matt Kemp – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. He doesn’t play every day, so Bud Black must not realize he’s 40-something.

David Dahl – Activated from the IL, but didn’t play. Every time Dahl is activated from the IL, he gets injured again. Crazy coincidence that is.

Trevor Story – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. If one can have a quiet top five overall season, Trevor’s that Story.

Mitch Moreland – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Guess who got him in FAAB in his NL-Only leagues this past weekend? This guy with two thumbs and amazing hair!

Zach Davies – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.48. Speaking of NL-Only, but really any leagues, Davies was so cheap in the preseason, he should’ve been drafted just for his starts in Petco. Alas, I did not. Hope you did.

Howie Kendrick – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Technical name for a hamstring strain is a Strainedivarius.

Luis Garcia – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.96. Okay, I’m not saying there’s only T. Rogers and Luis Garcias in the league, but I’m not saying there’s not.

Yuli Gurriel – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Man, this guy is such a 2nd half hitter. Unfortch, the 2nd half this year is 18 more games.

Justin Smoak – Signed with the Giants. Sending Smoak to the Bay Area feels like cruel and unusual punishment right now.

Tyler Anderson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.50. I streamed him in one mixed league, due to the Streamonator, and will cut him for someone else today. Cause I’m cold as ice!

Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Hey, Yaz Jr. Jr., hit nine homers in a game, and then you can sniff Adam Duvall’s junk, you peasant!

Ketel Marte – Hit the IL with a wrist injury. Oh, so they were hiding that for the last six weeks or no? I’m guessing yes, and that’s why he’s been awful all year. Pretty awesome stuff. Excuse me, I’m going to mutter some nonsense as I walk into traffic until I’m arrested. Was a super fun year to own Marte, super super–Abruptly screaming at the heavens, “WHY?!” Anyway, Marte’s likely done for the year. Really, super awesome. “Hell is empty and all the devils are here.” — Quote from Shakespeare who also owned Ketel Marte in all his leagues.