We have six no-hitters by May 19th. Seven no-hitters is a modern-day season record. At this point, it will be more novel when someone throws a ten-hitter. Soon we’ll be celebrating: Kyle Gibson just threw a 7-hitter! He allowed hits! Never is now, Mr. Gibson! This is like 2001 and Barry Bonds is throwing a no hitter every game. Conspiracy Theory Alert! Rob Manfred is going to use this year to explain why the mound has to move back a foot next year, and then we’re going to have our first 100-homer season. I will bet someone this happens. We’re thinking small, Rob Manfred’s evil mind is thinking big picture. Or pitcher, in this case, because only jacked guys will be able to reach the plate. So, Corey Kluber (9 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 1 walk, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.86) threw a no-hitter against his old club, the Rangers. Not the other team that the Rangers killed. The question for us is Corey Kluber fixed. Or at least usable, which I honestly had questions about coming into the year. His numbers look number two to three-ish. He’s not an ace — 9 K/9, 3.6 BB/9, 4.17 xFIP, using xFIP there because I do believe he’s been a tad ‘lucky’ on homers. It’s solid, usable, and rosterable, which is what I say before he throws a consecutive no-hitter next time because: 2021. By the way, Johnny Vander Meer’s family moving his crypt from stadium to stadium this year must be exhausting, and there’s no way Johnny Vander Meer’s record makes it out of 2021. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. He’s now the first player to hit double digit home runs during seven presidential administrations.
Matt Shoemaker – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 6.08. Sadness washing over me thinking about the two poor souls who are injured in the world, taking those injuries on to save both, Shoemaker and Rich Hill. Streamonator doesn’t love The Cobbler’s next, and I’m a bit more positive.
Lucas Giolito – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.35. That one was for the haters and the non-believers. The wish-he-weren’t’ers and the can’t-understand-long-hyphenated-phrases’ers. Also, tough matchup, and nice bounceback.
Noah Syndergaard – Threw four scoreless in rehab, sitting 93-95 on his fastball, which sounds low, but prolly just first time out since surgery-type thing. Gotta work up stamina, as I tell the ladies.
Michael Pineda – Hit the IL with a thigh abscess, which is one of those words that sounds 400 times worse than it is. Like crepuscular or cooties. Pineda had the abscess removed, and now his heart grows fonder.
Pete Alonso – Missed yesterday’s game, due a sore wrist, and x-rays were negative. Not today, devil.
Jonathan Villar – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Yesterday, I said grab. Today, I’m saying he might actually be *the* pickup of the next few weeks.
David Peterson – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.97. 3, 2, 1…Is it announced he’s hurt yet? Now?
Ronald Acuna Jr. – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, hitting .286. Tildaddy says the burgers are ready!
Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.60. Fun fact! Morton’s father invented the salt shaker. Not the kitchen item, but the Salt Shaker Dance that all white boys do when they’re being sandwiched by girls way more attractive than themselves.
Donovan Solano – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Damn, I can’t believe they had Solano come out yesterday without a “Sun will come out tomorrow” orchestral arrangement on Tuesday. I feel cheated.
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.66. Any other year if you said, “I bet Kevin Gausman throws a no-hitter this year,” you’d be looked at as a wide-eyed loon. This year there’s at least a 75% chance it happens by the All-Star Break.
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-5 and his 11th homer. Just Dong because he just dongs it.
Enrique Hernandez – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .254. Think it’s wildly dumb that he’s leading off, but he does tend to get hot and this might be worth a monocle.
Christian Vazquez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .252. Whoa, who fooled Vazquez into thinking it’s April still?
Alex Verdugo – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .288. Verdugo’s doing what I thought Bohm would do. Member him? I think Bohm still exists, but I only have a vague recollection.
Marcus Semien – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .280. Having Semien on a fantasy team this year is like running into a drunk newly single Rene Russo at a bar and being cougar prey — wild and fun.
Shohei Ohtani – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.37, and 1-for-3, hitting .272 with a bunt single. “Wait, he’s also fast?” — The Ghost of Babe Ruth
Aaron Civale – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.30. Someone in the comments asked about Civale yesterday, so I did a quick looksie of his stats, and he’s fine. Not F-I-N-E. Just fine. Okay.
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .231. His homer was a monster blast (though it’s listed as only 395 feet), and he pimped it, which I usually don’t care about, but Polanco pimping a home run is like SpaghettiOs pimping being good for a bunker because it lasts forever. Yeah, okay, but also you’re terrible.
Jack Flaherty – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 2.53. My feelings have not changed on Flaherty, but, holy crap, he has an 8-0 record. Dude’s on pace for 25+ wins.
Juan Soto – 3-for-5 and his 4th homer, hitting .287. Sexy Dr. Pepper hit that homer from one knee like Reggie Jackson and, mah gawd, Sexy Dr. Pepper, you effervescent bubbly treat! Please get hotter than the sun. My life* depends on it. *Fantasy team’s life.
Logan Gilbert – 2 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 9.45. And goodbye. Hey, he might be great, even excellent at some point this year or in the future, but my fantasy teams are not workout facilities.
Dylan Moore – Hit the IL with “bonk, it’s your turn.” No word yet how long he’ll be out, but everyone has to go to the IL this year, and it was just his time.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-6 and and his 5th homer, a leadoff homer. The five footer steppin’ with that buzzer-by-his-neck business.
Ketel Marte – 0-for-1 as he was activated from the IL, but didn’t start. *sells kidney for $29,000; hires 29,000 sherpas at a dollar each to carry me one foot each to the top of Mt. Everest; at the peak, lets out a loud echoing chef’s kiss*
Randy Arozarena – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. Okay, who hypnotized Randy to think it was October? Was it you with the weird watch fob?
Mike Brosseau – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Brosseau, “Whoa.”
Trey Mancini – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs, triple shy of the cycle, and his 8th and 9th homer. In May, he has a hit in all but three games or…*pinkie to mouth*…Trey. Also, that the balls are still flying out of Camden gives us hope that maybe there might be some homers this year.
Freddy Galvis – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Has done nothing recently, but he does tend to get hot for short period of times. On a side note, Galvis has over 1000 career games and Kevin Cash is platooning Brandon Lowe.
Jorge Soler – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .196. About to start calling him Jorge Sooverdue.
Christian Yelich – 0-for-2 and his 3rd steal, hitting .300. About as encouraging an oh-for-two as you’re gonna see. If he’s stealing, my hopes have a glimmer.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .159. How much is JBJ enjoying this new deadened ball? There used to be a fuss made when he was hitting .160 after two months, now there’s entire teams hitting below .200.
Brian Anderson – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .216. BA’s test kitchen and he’s cooking up power! Okay, that was bad, but sometimes you gotta get the bad ones out to get to the good ones.
Trevor Rogers – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.74. Please go tell every ‘pert that told you to draft a starter high they’re full of it. Pitching is the new catcher. There’s 29 starters with an ERA at 3.04 and under. You only need six! Not to take anything away from Rogers, he has been great, but cmon, bros and five sisters. If you can sell a great starter, do it and just pick up another one.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Kinda have avoided mentioning McClutchin’ His Knee, because you know him, but he is heating up. Maybe he can light a match under Bohm to get him to go off.
Luis Patino – Hit the IL with a finger laceration. Wonder if he was fingering a bagel while slicing it. What, bad technique is all.
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (10) and legs (8), as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Smash Mouth rocks.”
Joe Musgrove – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hit, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.47. For the last week, I’ve been desperately trying to trade for Musgrove, but to no avail, and I’m not sure yesterday will help the price. Musgrove’s peripherals are some of the best in baseball — 12.4 K/9, 1.9 BB/9, 2.86 FIP, and basically neutral luck. If there’s one slightly high-priced starter I’d be buying high, it’s him.
Jake Cronenworth – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, which should get an assist from Blackmon, who ran after the ball like he should be screaming, “Get off my lawn!” Cronenworth is hitting near-.400 in May. I should’ve dropped Dylan Moore instead of Cronenworth, but, as they say at the roller derby, can’t cry over spilled MILF.