A scary scene yesterday for my fantasy team. WHY DOES THE UNIVERSE MOCK ME?! I’m not saying it was Ancient Aliens, but it was Ancient Aliens. Everything was lined up for my success, then Carlos Carrasco was a little too lined up by Melky. I don’t wish ill on anyone, but couldn’t Melky have hit T.J. House. He’s got a solid foundation. He could take the hit. Was this the Fantasy Baseball Overlord and his infinite deviousness? Why is your deviousness so infinite? In a pool of your deviousness, do you have to lifeguard it constantly? Seems dangerous. Ugh, Carrasco? More like Srir-ouch-a, I’m going to get sauced. The Indians are saying Carrasco didn’t suffer a concussion, but we’ll see. This might open a spot for Danny Salazar. I went to grab him in every league, but he was gone already. Then again, Jhoulys Chacin just signed a minor league deal with the Indians, and Salazar was seen riding in the rain, while the song, Just Once, played on the radio as he cried. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Michael Brantley – Back pain still has him sidelined. The good news is he said he might be back on Friday. The bad news is might and back.
Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Okay, so maybe the sample size of his first game wasn’t enough.
Jose Abreu – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. The Grande Dolor! Eat a Wong, Frank Thomas!
Rusney Castillo – Hit the minor league DL with a jammed shoulder. Jammed should always be written in italics. Along with squeezed, squashed and crowded. Deep Thoughts by Grey Albright.
Xander Bogaerts – Questionable for today’s game due to a sore knee. But we almost had it all….We almost had it all….like Bogaerts and Bacall! We were hot butter on toast and now he’s toast and I have what looks like butter on my fingers, I don’t know, I don’t want to taste it to find out.
Pablo Sandoval – Day-to-day with a bruised foot after being hit by a pitch. *Lisa Simpson groan* Take my whole fantasy team, please! I take my team everywhere and it still finds a way to disappoint me.
Justin Masterson – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER. In Boston, they call that “keeping the team in the game.”
Dustin Pedroia – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer. An ant can’t lift a rubber tree plant, but Pedroia’s got high ropes!
Stephen Strasburg – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. Ever have some fantasy days when you just want to go back to sleep and hope it was a dream? Yesterday was one of those days for me. Strasburg is only Strugglesburg because I actually drafted him this year. I knew I shouldn’t have messed with a top arm. I didn’t need him either, I have Carrasco, Arrieta, Samardzija–Oh, God, make the pain stop.
Michael Taylor – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd steal. You wouldn’t have been moved to the bottom of the order if you would’ve done that the first seven games. Now Matt Williams has to think about what he wants the lineup to be. Not cool, Taylor. A man like Matt don’t have time for thinking!
Alex Rios – Sounds like he won’t need to pretend to care about playing baseball for four to six weeks because he broke his fifth metacarpal. Fun fact! The metacarpal once wrote a book about a metacarpal writing a book. It was very metacarpal. It sold well in the metacarpal community; you wouldn’t know. Filling in for Rios is that guy that runs around like a chicken with his head cut off, Jarrod Dyson. The Chicken Man used to want to hit for power, but luckily his wife kept nagging him to steal bases. Guess Dyson’s henpecked. *high-fives self* Ow, too hard! For steals, I’d grab Dyson, and have already if it makes the SAGNOF go down a little easier.
Daniel Norris – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Blahrays. He’s about as efficient as fixing a water shortage by not automatically bringing a glass of water to the table.
Drew Smyly – Made his 2nd rehab start. Smyly will make two more rehab starts and keep that same cheery attitude.
Steven Souza – 3-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (1) and legs (2). Finally, he’s fogging up the mirror under his nose!
Kevin Jepsen – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. I searched Jepsen on Twitter in real time to see why Boxberger wasn’t getting the save, and, boy, was that a mistake. Instead of Kevin Jepsen news, I was greeted by Bieber lip-synching a Carly Rae Jepsen song. Granted, I’m out of touch on Biebs news, but how long has he been cracked out? He looks like Michael Madsen right after doing a line of coke with Amanda Bynes. You just know the Yahoo News editor has Biebs’ obit on his desktop for easy access.
Leonys Martin – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st steal as he was bumped down to the eight-hole. We almost had it all….We almost had it all…Like Bogaerts and Bacall! Damn, that’s still stuck in my head.
Rougned Odor – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and 1st steal as he moved to the leadoff spot. He didn’t exactly light the world on fire from the leadoff spot, but managers think about things in the most cock-eyed ways, and since the Rangers won and had their best offensive day, the manager might take that to mean Odor should leadoff and Leonys should hit eighth. The manager in this case is I have no idea.
Elvis Andrus – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (1) and legs (1). Everything that wasn’t working for the Rangers up until yesterday, clicked. Now they just need to face Drew Rucinski every day, a pitcher who I believe was on the Roller Derby Grand Tour up until Monday.
Nick Martinez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K. Sorry, can’t recommend him. Not by the hair on my lippy-lip-lip.
Jedd Gyorko – Sat out three straight days. Gyorko, go down that alley other there. Yeah, don’t worry, I have some lovely furs for you. No, a little further. What do you mean you have to get home to cook dinner? No, Gyorko, get the furs!
Odrisamer Despaigne – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. No Ks with Odrisamer Despaigne, but every other frickin’ letter. I grabbed Idriselba Despaigne in one NL-Only league, and could see him as a streamer (or Stringer), but he’s more of a Hodgepadre.
Jeremy Hellickson – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. Here’s a chicken or egg question for you. Is it that good offenses followed Hellickson to the NL West or is Hellickson just not good?
Hisashi Iwakuma – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. Oh, Hisashi, you were supposed to be one of the safe ones. Maybe because he’s Japanese, but he seems like he’d be hard on himself. I’m embarrassed for him. I’m kinda hoping he’s hurt because then his pee-poor pitching will make more sense.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer. I see your regression and I raise you NO REGRESSION. Literally. I raised it. See?
Fernando Rodney – 1/3 IP, 2 ER. Right now, it’s about 11:03 PM PST. By about 10 AM PST, Rodney’s going to need a “break” and Danny Farquhar is going to be the closer. Save vultures, start picking the Farq out of him.
Alex Guerrero – 1-for-1 and his 2nd homer, hitting .417, but yesterday came as a pinch hitter because Mattingly really likes Uribe. Uribe asks, “Why?”
Devin Mesoraco – Out another day with a sore hip. I’ll tell you one thing he’s not doing on his day off, a beauty contest!
Brandon Phillips – Left the game due to lightheadness. That’s one problem Bochy never has.
Anthony DeSclafani – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. Here’s one name that no one is talking about, likely because no one can pronounce it. It might be because I actually own him in two leagues, but I’m liking what I’ve seen so far. I don’t think he’s an every league pickup yet, but deeper leagues should definitely be scooping in. Or maybe that’s DeSclafooping in. Or not.
Mike Olt – Continues to sit out with a sore wrist. Pick up whoever is replacing him, they will be an All-Star. Guaranteed!
Brett Gardner – Unlikely to return until Friday with a sore wrist. And his owners are, appropriately, pist.
Miguel Gonzalez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. I had a serious case of namelganger when I saw what he did because I drafted Miguel Gonzalez in my NFBC league. Only I drafted Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez. Stupid same names! For whatever reason, no one seems to want anything to do with the Orioles pitchers that actually pitch well (See also Chen), but love the O’s pitchers that cause headaches (see Tillman, Gausman). Gonzalez is owned in 2% of ESPN leagues, has a 1.42 ERA and had a 3.23 ERA last year in 159 IP. Yup.
Adam Jones – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Member during the first round of your draft when you didn’t want to draft Jones so you went for Rizzo? How’s dem apples? Wormy!
Christian Yelich – Was scratched with a stiff back. Stiff back? What 14-year-old has a stiff back? A stiff front maybe.
Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd steal. Mi novio! I missed you. Why don’t you write? Don’t have my address? You can just leave the letters on your front porch. I’ll get them.
Tom Koehler – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. I streamed him this week in Tout Wars with an eye on hopefully holding him longer. For what it’s Werth, the Stream-o-Nator thinks I’m crackers, but he goes to Metco next.
Kendall Graveman – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks. Only three Ks vs. the Astros is like negative strikeouts vs. another team. Hey, you liked the idea of Graveman coming out of the spring, but you also once thought Zubaz were a good idea. Move on.
Mark Melancon – Has a 9 ERA so far, and has been having velocity problems since the spring. Emphasis on “has been.” Velocity problems is code for “you can’t close games, sucker.” You can see why they have a code for it, otherwise, it’s just too harsh. Tony Watson should be owned in all leagues and is likely the guy the Pirates would go to next, but the problem with T. Wats…Maybe I should spell out his name. The problem with Tony Watson is he’s a lefty. Jared Hughes could sneak into the picture and Arquimedes Caminero is also a sexy pickup and sounds like he should have dice hanging from his last name.
Shane Greene – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks. I’m guessing now all the people who came into the comments and asked if they should pick up Greene, and then ignored my advice to do that will now actually grab him….Next year, because someone else got to him first.
Jose Iglesias – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 3rd steal, hitting .480. He’ll cool off at some point, but at that point you can drop him. OWH (Own While Hot; acronyms are so less helpful when I have to explain them.)
Michael Cuddyer – After being hit by a pitch on his hand, X-rays came back negative, but I’m positive you can find someone better.
Bobby Parnell – Started a rehab assignment. Hopefully he doesn’t have Dr. Drew. People be dying out of his rehab.
David Wright – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring pull. Weird, he’s usually so healthy. Hopefully he doesn’t do his usual and try to play through it at 30% for three months, then hit the DL.
Daniel Murphy – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .160. I’m not a huge fan of Murphy. Okay, I don’t like him and wouldn’t own him, but the amount of people asking to drop him is kinda silly. You drafted him off his previous five seasons, so now you’re dropping him off of five games? Oy gevalt.
Ben Revere – 1-for-4, 1 run as he was dropped to the eight hole. Such a disservice to Revere. Who’s filling out that lineup? A turncoat?
Odubel Herrera – 0-for-5 as he was moved to the leadoff spot. The Phils aren’t playing for anything, so I can understand wanting to try some new looks, but a week’s leash is all Revere gets? Ryan Howard is getting $25 million for the next two years then $23 million in 2017. Now that’s a leash! By the time Howard’s contract is up, he’s going to be taking grounders like Redd Foxx screaming, “I’m coming, Elizabeth!”
Cody Asche – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .429. I told you he was a sleeper (12 months too soon)!
Chase Utley – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a double slam (1, 2) and legs (1). Chase showing up Asche, Odubel can’t get a double, Ryan a hit? Nary.
Adam Ottavino – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks with the Kimbrel. Oh my Gosh Johnson, Walt Weiss made the right move and went to Ottavino for the save. Of course, after Betancourt sat on my team and gave up a pointless run. Goodbye, Rafael, may you be picked up off waivers by one of my opponents.
Nori Aoki – 1-for-3 and his 2nd steal, hitting .405. Leave your password in the comments and I’ll pick him up for you. If your password is Greyisadoofus, we’re no longer friends.
Buster Posey – Didn’t start yesterday because of his trapezius muscle. Sounds like he also won’t be starring in Cirque du Soleil any time soon. By the by, you know how they have a Michael Jackson Cirque du Soleil? When Oprah dies, they can just make Cirque du Soleil’s O about her. One of the Croatian midget contortionists announces, “Everyone gets a car,” then they swing from cars hanging from the ceiling for two hours. It writes itself.