Yesterday, Carlos Carrasco went 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.41, as the Indians won their 162nd game, and four-thousandth in a row. Hayzeus Cristo, who wants some of the Indians right now? Who? Or, more appropriately with the Indians, how? They’re fired up like their relatives just got a bad case of the pox and they’re all out of peace to put in their pipe. Am I right? Or am I just borderline racist?! You tell me, Redskins fans! By the way, you know your team name is racist when you can substitute in Redskins and it makes sense, i.e., “The Cleveland Redskins won last night, oh, I’m sorry, I mean Indians.”
Can’t wait for the movie about the Indians’ winning streak that omits Carrasco and Kluber.
— Razzball (@Razzball) September 12, 2017
Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Bradley Zimmer – Out for the season after breaking his hand sliding into 1st base. As my Little League coach once said to me, “Never slide into first, and is your mom single?”
Jason Kipnis – When he returns from his hamstring injury, he will see time in center field. If I may read between the lines, this is saying the Indians are winning without him, they like Yandy Diaz (2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI) and they’re hoping Kipnis hurts himself again. This was overheard in the clubhouse, “Not sure of Kipnis’ mobility when he returns, so it’s prolly best to play him at–” “The most demanding position. Got it, thanks!”
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer, but left after being hit on the forearm. Not cool, Detroit, if you’re throwing at guys who are headed to the playoffs. Lebron’s gonna sic his hairline after you.
Michael Fulmer – Will undergo elbow surgery because he went to see Dr. James Andrews. If he would’ve been seen by one of Dr. Freeze’s associates, he might’ve been able to rehab. The Tigers are saying Fulmer should be fine for Spring Training; they’re also saying the Tigers won’t be competitive for four years.
Myles Jaye – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Okay, not good, but Jaye was kick ass in The Crying Game and you can never take that from us!
Yolmer Sanchez – 2-for-5, 3 runs, and hitting near-.350 in the last week with two homers. You in March, “Psyched I got Cano for my H2H playoffs.” You now, “Yolmer over Cano? Just tell me to pull the trigger, man!” Yolmer isn’t anything special, but does appear to be a hot schmotato.
Yoan Moncada – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .197, and a homer three games ago. Hakuna Moncada, which is Hawaiian for, “I’d still worry about his contact issues, but maybe his bat is heating up.”
Adam Engel – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (7). Engel was one of the greatest I’ve ever seen in the squared-circle–Sorry, I was reading a Kurt Angle fan site. Adam Engel has great speed for SAGNOF, but not a whole lot else.
Jose Abreu – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .306, and having one of the best three-game stretches in baseball this season. Right now, dude is on it like a red underlined 100.
Reynaldo Lopez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.76. Pitching is a landmine that even Princess Di wouldn’t cross.
Jarrod Dyson – Will have sports hernia surgery. Dyson had but one request, he didn’t want Taillon’s doctor.
Brandon Moss – 2-for-3 and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I saw he homered on Sunday, but didn’t mention it, because he’s a platoon guy. Now, I’m thinking maybe schmotato.
Mark Trumbo – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer, hitting .240. Coming into this game he had two hits in 20 at-bats, and 1 home run. So, yes, two homers in the last week for him, but Trumbo’s bat speed is like he’s swinging a sledgehammer. And not cool like Dave Parker in an on-deck circle.
Ryan Goins – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs, and his 7th homer. I was thisclose to giving him a batty call, but I was like, “He sucks, and his name is so close to Groins.” Stupid, prudish, sexy AF Grey!
Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .321. Yesterday, I called him a hot schmotato. Today, I’m saying same same.
Dominic Leone – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. On Sunday, Luis Santos got a save. In other words, the Jays are just as surprised as you when they have a lead in the ninth and have no clearcut plan while Osuna’s struggling.
Andrew Heaney – Dealing with a shoulder impingement. Angels said he’s questionable for his next start. I’m guessing they’re using the Tinder definition of questionable, which means ‘no chance in hell.’
Mitch Haniger – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Whew, happy to see that since I told about hundred people in the comments yesterday to grab Haniger. Here’s hoping for a huge week, unless you didn’t listen to me, then screw Haniger!
Willie Calhoun – Called up by the Rangers. Halle Berry Lujah! Now, he only needs to fight seven guys for playing time. That’s almost as bad to think about as Ted Cruz pleasuring himself. Calhoun’s been covered on this site about six-bajillion times. If you click his name, you’ll be magically transported to his most recent articles and earn me .00000000001 of a cent. I kinda love him, and he’s on my early 2018 Rookie of the Year sexpots. For now, he needs playing time, which I’m not sure he has.
Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.05. Hamels has quietly become just another pitcher. Shame isn’t it? Not a shame, a product, as Treach from Naughty by Nature would say.
Delino DeShields – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Last preseason, I said Delino had ten homer power. I just didn’t mention it would be in 297 career games.
Brandon Woodruff – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.14. The Regression Fairies can eat a D! Ugh, now was not the time to be regressing to the mean. Should’ve known better to trust a guy whose last name sounds like dogwood. Apparently, his bark is worse than his bite.
Steven Brault – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.38. I have a funny/not funny story about Brault. I asked Halp at the All-Star break to give me one pitcher to grab in an NL-Only league. A pitcher who would be up and in the rotation in the 2nd half. Of course, Brault was his suggestion. Yeah, I dropped Brault last week. Facepalm. By the way, the podcast had technical difficulties. We’re recording today for tomorrow. Thank you for your patience, said the doctor.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .275. Also, in this game, Starling Marte (1-for-5, 2 RBIs) and his 6th homer. What does this mean? They were just waiting for you to drop them.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 33rd homer. Hey, honey, I got rid of all our pens, and replaced them with feather quills. NOOOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Clint Frazier – Activated from the DL. Zimmer and Clint Frazier came to the majors at the same time. Then Zimmer gets injured the same time Frazier returns. I don’t know, Frazier and Zimmer seem to be synced in some weird way, like girls in a dormitory.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .210. This is not earth-shattering information, but it’s not easy to hit .210. Frazier and Odor are just making it look easy.
Greg Bird – Out with back tightness. If Greg had a Native American name, it would be Wounded Bird.
CC Sabathia – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.85 vs. Jake Odorizzi – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER (4 unearned), 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.52. That was like a ticker tease and ticker shock combined in one game. CC’s owners, “Yes, he got the win…Wait a minute, wha’ happened?” Odorizzi’s owners, “Oh, no, he got rocked…Wait, huh?”
Ryan Vogelsong – Announced his retirement. Elton John released a new version of ‘Your Song’ for the occasion. “My gift is my Vogelsong, and this one’s for you…And you can tell everybody this is your Vogelsong…It may be quite simply me repeating the name Vogelsong, but now he’s done…I hope you don’t mind! I hope you don’t mind!”