MLB should put pinball flippers by each dugout, then every time you think someone is about to have a 1-2-3 inning, the ball is flipped out of the stadium for a home run. “Looks like the ump is tossing that ball in the dirt to the ball boy–BANG! WHIZZ! BOOM! Wow, another home run, Roger! This is crazy!” “Just when you think you’ve seen everything to further enhance the game by adding offense, MLB has put in pinball flippers.” “It’s pretty cool, Roger.” “My name’s Bill.” “Sure.” So, yesterday the Dodgers and Phils traded blows and blown saves — Kenley Jansen (1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.72) and Hector Neris (1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.08). Both closers are safe as far as any pitcher is safe. THEY’RE USING PINBALLS! However, Jansen was limping, due to taking a comebacker off his ankle, so Pedro Baez might see some looks. The hero, or gyro depending on ethnicity, was Bryce Harper (2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .257). On our Player Rater, he’s been about as valuable as Shin-Soo Choo and Max Kepler. Yup. Then, yinging his yang, Max Muncy went 1-for-3, 2 runs with his 25th homer. Most home runs since April 17th of last year when Muncy debuted: Yelich 67 HRs; Trout 63 HRs; Muncy 60 HRs. And people didn’t want to draft Muncy this preseason. Yup…YUP! Of course, no highlight reel in prose would be complete without Cody Bellinger (1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 34th homer). Forget Bellinger, he’s the Bellingest. Yup…YUP…yup. Also, getting in on the action, Scott Kingery went 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs with his 13th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games. His average did drop about 100 points in the last three weeks, but he’s starting to pick it up again, and is still hitting towards the top of the lineup (2nd yesterday). Yup…YUP…yup…YuP. Then yanging that yin, A.J. Pollock went 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and 12th homer in the last three games. If it wasn’t for Oscar Mercado, I’d say Pollock was the hottest bat in the majors. I might say it anyway, but while crossing my fingers. Right Brain, “LIAR!” Yup…YUP…yup…YuP…yeppers. Finally, Matt Beatty hit his 3rd homer. Snap into a Batt Meatty! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jean Segura – Out with a heel injury. Same thing happened to Hulk when he went to the WCW.
Walker Buehler – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.44, but also gave up four unearned runs. Conspiracy Theory Alert! The best way for a pitcher to keep his ERA down is for him to insist his fielders suck.
Andrew Cashner – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.09. Some players join a team like the Red Sox and try to do too much instead of staying within themselves and delivering the results they had on their prior team. Andrew Cashner doesn’t have that problem.
Xander Bogaerts – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .312. Now has six homers in his last eleven games. Someone DNA test Bogaerts to see if he’s on the Gurriel family tree.
Edwin Jackson – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to win Powerball, take his winnings to start a major league franchise and sign himself, because it’s the only team yet to sign him.
Jacob Waguespack – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.93. He was called up to replace Edwin Jackson. Here’s how that phone call went down: “We don’t have any pitchers.” “Get someone from the summer camp.” “I need a name.” “I don’t know — check Camp Waguespack.” “Is that the same camp where Ian Kinsler and Ryan Braun met?”
Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. If he plays his cards right, Teoscar might just get invited to next year’s Home Run Derby.
Max Scherzer – Played catch in the outfield yesterday. Yahoo better not give him the Ohtani eligibility treatment.
Austin Voth – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.35. Baltimore failed to rock the Voth and Carcetti’s back for another term.
Matt Adams – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Mean’s while, I have the pathetic Ryan Zimmerman on my deep league teams. Any guess how many homers that schmohawk has? Roughly the same amount Travis d’Arnaud hit in one game.
Eloy Jimenez – Headed to the IL after injuring his elbow in a collision. Eloy is returning to Chicago for tests, and I need a prayer circle in the shape of a Red Cross.
Adalberto Mondesi – Left yesterday’s game after a dive, and it looked like he hurt his shoulder seriously. Forget the Red Cross prayer shape, we need to form the shape of an ambulance! Stat!
Glenn Sparkman – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.54. Hahahahahahaha…Breathe, Grey, breathe! Oh my God, just give me pitchers who are owned in less than 2% of leagues and call it a day!
Whit Merrifield – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .311. His home run was a two-run inside-the-parker. Is it me or is it weirder when an inside-the-park home run isn’t a solo homer? Meh, maybe it’s me.
Hunter Dozier – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. First home run since June 25th and I was beginning to worry he was still injured. Not sure we’re out of the dark yet, but good sign, like Capricorn. What, Marianne Williamson says so.
Hunter Pence – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. In related news, Willie Calhoun was sent down and said, “I’m speechless.” Technically, if you’re doing a short Ted Talk, ‘I’m speechless’ qualifies.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.87. Lynn’s in a weird spot. If he pitches well, the Rangers stay in the pennant chase and Lynn stays on the Rangers. But if Lynn pitches poorly, the Rangers become sellers, but no one will want Lynn. Maybe I’m defining ‘weird’ wrong. Any hoo! Streamonator likes his next start in Houston which seems bizzonkers, but there ya go.
Joey Gallo – 1-for-3 and his 22nd homer. I have a fix for MLB and their juiced baseballs. This offseason you take Joey Gallo to Coors and have Pete Alonso’s cousin pitch to him. You keep throwing him different sized baseballs until he fails to hit a home run, then that’s your new regulation baseball. If it’s a bowling ball, then so be it. (BTW, Coolwhip, gave you his Joey Gallo breakdown this past weekend. Can he continue to hit .265+? Go find out!)
Alex Young – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.96. Okay, need to examine what’s going on here. *looks at his player page* He’s another weak velocity guy. This conspiracy theory of mine really seems to be holding some water. No hitters see 88 MPH fastballs so it confuses them. Young throws complete junk like an angry Fred Sanford, but he’s obviously finding success. Do I trust him? Let’s say he was available in my NL-Only league as of yesterday. (I put in a bid, because eff it.)
Brandon Woodruff – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.53. Some days I feel like Woodruff is my only good pitcher. Those days are every time Woodruff pitches.
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. “Listen, do you want to pay to ship him home or just put a bunch of stamps on his head–Wait a second! Lorenzo Cain moved? I don’t believe it!”
Christian Yelich – 1-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a (grand) slam (33) and legs (23), hitting .332. He’s on pace for the stat line: I/think/he/owns/himself/in/fantasy.
Keston Hiura – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .317. He’s hitting near-.600 in the last week and has multiple hits in four of his last five games and hip hip Hiura!
Ronald Acuna Jr. – 1-for-4 and two steals (15, 16), hitting .290. It’s hard to see this right now because Yelich is in the middle of a historic season, but in 2020: Tildaddy or Yelich? Okay, Yelich, but it’s close eh eff.
Max Fried – Hit the IL with a finger blister. That’s what Fried gets for not sticking his hand in the urinal when Moises Alou prompted him. Urine don’t grow on trees, Fried!
Matt Chapman – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .280. Then, going back-to-back, Matt Olson (1-for-3) hit his 20th homer. The dugout after each home run were…*pinkie to mouth* Welcome, Matts.
Omar Narvaez – 3-for-4, and his 15th and 16th homer, hitting .297. He had 12 homers combined in his career. Life as a juiced baseball shouldn’t be so tough, Inspectah (Upper) Deck.
Robel Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .348. Okay, it’s way past time to unleash the hounds and grab him in mixed leagues. Do I think it continues? No, his Ks are absurd, but definitely a hot schmotato if nothing else.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-5 and his 21st homer, and third homer in as many games. Schwarber’s headed for a quiet 35-homer season, if you ignore the screams from Joe Buck’s bedroom.
Matt Carpenter – Hit the IL with a foot contusion. Honestly, I thought he was on the IL for something else. My Matt Carpenter preseason overrated post seems like it might’ve been kinda money. As money as my Jose Ramirez overrated, Noah Syndergaard overrated and Vlad Jr. overrated posts? Hard to say. You decide.
Austin Meadows – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Said to Buy him about fifteen times in the last week (maybe three times).
Aaron Judge – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .304. Back-to-back recent Buys with Meadows and Judge.
DJ LeMahieu – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .331. Well, if I’m going to point out that I called Austin Meadows and Judge as a buy, I have to point out that I said to sell LeMahieu. I stand by both. Though, I’m actually laying in a tub of ice.
Didi Gregorius – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .255. Didi has the most grand slams of any shortstop since 2017. The Ghost of Lou Gehrig just dabbed.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 28th homer, hitting .225. The Edwin’s parrot says, “Polly want a Cracker Jack.” It’s a baseball parrot, dur.
Byron Buxton – Hit the IL with concussion symptoms. Why do I get the “You’re playing too hard for your own good” vibe from Buxton? Yo, Byron, stop diving for balls, you’re gonna end up like Brett Lawrie.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.38. His ERA is around 3.00 since the beginning of June. Oddly enough, I dropped him around May 31st.
Eddie Rosario – 2-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I simply said to Karen a Yo Momma joke, but if we’re going to be sensitive then, ‘Your maternal guardian is so dumb and freaky she thinks 23 and Me is the title of her sex tape.” Better?”
Steven Matz – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.87. He was on a strict pitch count because, apparently, being out of the rotation for one whole week means he needs to get stretched out.
Mike Yastrzemski – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and 2nd homer on my team. How did I know to pick him up, you ask softly with a sad smile. Dude, he’s in Coors.
Will Smith – 1 IP, 3 ER and the blown save, ERA at 2.75. Then, stepping up his game, Wade Davis came in for 1/3 IP, 3 ER, upping his ERA to 6.04. There aren’t closers this year as much as eventually there’s a 9th inning and a game ends some point after.
Corey Kluber – Will throw a bullpen session today. Sell! Seriously…Sell! He’ll be lucky to throw 30 IP this year.
Oscar Mercado – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (8) and his 2nd straight game with a slam & legs, with Monday’s being a double slam. You can try to find a hotter hitter right now, but, rather than that, why not just lean in and go with Mercado?
Zach Plesac – 3 IP, 0 ER, zero hits, ERA at 3.56, but this great start was interrupted by rain. We have SerendiPPDy for when you’re fortunate that rain washes away a disaster start, but we don’t have a term for when your pitcher is throwing well and rain robs him. Please suggest a term in the comments. Thanks!
Jordan Yamamoto – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.59. Mentioned this about five zillion times (maybe four times, but at least once already in this post with Alex Young) when Yamamoto was first called up: pitchers who don’t throw fast have an advantage because hitters are not used to seeing junk. Yamamoto is a major junk thrower.
Garrett Cooper – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and his 4th homer in the last five games, hitting .315. Wonder why I keep saying he could be as good as Goldschmidt? Watch Cooper swing a bat.
Franmil Reyes – Was a late scratch yesterday, but hit a pinch hit bomb (26th homer). There was talk about a Hug Watch because Franmil might be traded. I have one thing to say, hugs are way too touchy-feely in today’s climate. A Flab Grab watch? Ripeness Check watch? Torso Touchies watch? Human Slap Bracelet watch? Or use a baseball term – Getting To Second Base watch? A Human Watch Around Your Belly watch? A Failed Chokehold watch? A Flesh Rope watch? An Italian Entrance watch? Friendzoned Watch? Arm Lasso watch? #BanTheHug