Bo Knows This, Bo Knows That, But Bo Goes Jack Twice ‘Cause Bo Can’t Nap

Not to come out with a hot take 18 hours after everyone, but Gerrit Cole has to win that game (6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.23). Has to shutout the Jays. Scherzer would’ve. DeGrom would’ve. Corbin Burnes would’ve. Yeah, I said Corbin Burnes! They would’ve shut down the Jays. I’m glad the Jays were not shut down, don’t get it twisted, as they say at anarchistic pretzel stands. I love me the Baby Jays. Wanna put food in their mouth and talk to their moms about how I used to watch their husbands play, and then become real chummy until I’m called Unkie Grey and am at their house for Thanksgiving! That’s how much I love the Jays, but if you’re Cole, you gotta win that. So, Bo Bichette (3-for-4) hit his 27th and 28th homer, as he led the Jays to victory as well as a lot of his fantasy teams. I don’t mean he plays fantasy, I mean the teams he was on won–Ya know what? You know what I mean! Bo Bichette is the epitome of everything you want in fantasy. He’s got 30-homer power, 30-steal speed, high contact, great lineup, plays every day and, if you say his name fast, it sounds like Boba Chette. For 2022 fantasy, there’s so much talent in the game, but I could see struggling with trying to squeeze Boba in the top five because he will not suck, no matter the straw size. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Marcus Semien – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 44th homer. Semien busted through the 2nd baseman home run record like a Semien busts through…Why can’t I think of anything that Semien busts through? Guess because I’m married.

Patrick Corbin – Won’t pitch again this year. If only he announced this in April.

Trevor Story – 4-for-4, 3 runs, hitting .253. Yeah, raise your average to .260 when it is literally too late. Really enjoying that.

Ryan McMahon – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Been a little better recently, but he’s another guy who came in like a lion in April, and went out like one of Joe Exotic’s lovers the rest of the year.

Ke’Bryan Hayes – Hit the IL with wrist soreness. Disappointing season from Hayes, and I’m at this place with the Pirates, “Outside of NL-Only, it’s not worth it to try to pick through them for a breakout.”

Roansy Contreras – 3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, in his major league debut, and just like that the Pirates have sucked me back in! He looked *chef’s kiss*. I’ll prolly write a post about him this offseason, so we’ll (I’ll) hold back, but I was impressed. By the way, the Pirates starting Roansy’s clock early for a three-inning game? Ha, well, alrighty then!

Jorge Polanco – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 32nd homer, hitting .271. Saw someone question yesterday that “Polanco will be drafted around 75, right?” And all I could think was to rub my hands together, and let me take him at 69 like the horndog I am, because that’s the truth, Ruth.

Michael Pineda – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.62. So, I checked in on one of my NFBC leagues (I have two Draft Champions), and the one where I have Pineda I’m going to finish in 3rd, if there’s no epic collapse, which gets my money back. That’s not the exciting part, obviously. The guy in 1st place is about to win the entire contest, and like $150,000, I think (I honestly have no idea the prize winnings). I won’t say his name because I don’t want bill collectors to search for him, but congrats! Assuming I didn’t just jinx you.

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 28th homer. Real question: Didn’t he have 22 homers by May?

Sonny Gray – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.19. This was vs. the White Sox, who are in cruise control, and I think I’m officially done with all Grays next year. That weird spelling should’ve tipped me off.

Gavin Sheets – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games. Holy Sheets! Hot schmotato alert!

Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.37, and absolutely zero Cy Young consideration. He only had 185 Ks in only 132 2/3 IP. No big deal, right?

Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.63. Ya wanna buy the dip for 2022, but Nola’s dip is gonna be hard to buy. Don’t think he’s going to be that cheap, and he had a 4.63 ERA! That’s awful.

Salvador Perez – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 48th homer, but left early after hurting his ankle going up the dugout steps for another curtain call. He tied the Royals’ HR record with another Royals’ great, Jorge Soler. I wonder what Lorde would sing about if she had Salvy Perez on a fantasy team. Would she sing his praises? Would she rhyme Perez with praises? Who’s to say?

Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 25th and 26th steal. By the way, the team that’s winning it all in NFBC that I mentioned in the Pineda blurb? Oh, yeah, he’s got Ohtani, Mullins, Robbie Ray, and literally every insane value late pick.

Logan Gilbert – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.68. Selfishly, I kinda want the M’s eliminated because I don’t need to see anymore from Gilbert, or have him get more innings on his arm. Shellfishly, Mariners killed my family!

Abraham Toro – 1-for-4, and his 11th homer. Like at a high-end sushi bar, Toro disappeared quickly. He had a few hot weeks after the trade, then he vanished.

Seth Brown – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. How now Brown, Seth.

Alex Wood – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.83. There was some speculation yesterday that the Giants were cheating because they’re winning so many games with such a ragtag group of vets. No one’s heard about Gene, the Giants’ genie, I suppose!

Manny Machado – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer. The more the Padres are eliminated, the harder Machado plays.

A.J. Pollock – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homer, and 2nd and 3rd homer in the last four games. Could be heating up, because, as Pollock said, “I love playing in the playoffs.” No one tell him.

Mookie Betts – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 22nd homer. Mookie Best! (This year, not so much. Did you “not so Muncy?” No, I didn’t, but Max Muncy (2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 36th homer, too.)

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-2 and his 10th homer. Sonavabench! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA–Someone throw me out of an airplane without a parachute. Make the pain end.

Corey Seager – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Hey, NL, you don’t want the Dodgers’ bats to get hot.

Wander Franco – 3-for-5, hitting .290, and he extends his on-base streak to 43 games, tying the all-time record held by Frank Robinson. It’s crazy to want to rank him in the top 20 next year, right? Or no? Am I being crazy?

Drew Rasmussen – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.84. And if the Rays got German Marquez this offseason, I’d be interested. Anyone, really.

Nathan Eovaldi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.75. He was a popular sleeper for me in the preseason, and this might end his season. Was he a bust or productive? That’ll be for the historians to figure out many years from now. If I had to guess, I’d say he worked as a sleeper. His price was cheap, and, on the Player Rater, he’s around a top 30 starter — better than Nola and Darvish! Next week, I’ll start my recaps of the positions, and starters are ugly.

Taijuan Walker – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.47. Streamed him yesterday, because I have an incredible amount of smarts–Aw, I’m just messin’, I’m a big dope, I just listened to the Streamonator.

Michael Conforto – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. Put Conforto, Bellinger, Yelich into a time capsule and open them up in the Year 2080.

Adrian Houser – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.22, as the Brewers shut down that pesky little 17-game winning streak by the Cards, and Houser specifically. The Brewers’ pitching is ridiculous. Speaking of ridiculous Brewers pitchers…

Devin Williams – Hit the IL with a fractured hand. Went out to celebrate the playoff-clinching game on Sunday, got mad at something and punched a wall. He needs surgery. Sadly, this doesn’t count as a punchout. *hand under armpit, makes farting noises* The Last Airbender sucked! *fart, fart, kazoo* When going on a bender with The Airbender, something’s gotta give. On Sunday, it was a wall. *fart, kazoo, harmonica* Don’t air out your bender! *fart, kazoo, harmonica, cymbal* I fought the wall, and the wall won. *fart, kazoo, harmonica, cymbal, a-cha-cha-cha* Devin’s out for the playoffs? Wait, I don’t get it. What’s the punchline? *fart, kazoo, harmonica, cymbal, a-cha-cha-cha, tambourine shake* Well, at least Devin Williams owned up to his mistake. Ryan Braun would’ve accused the wall of anti-semitism.