As soon as you’re finished with this post, I want you to close your laptop, step outside and look at a bird in flight. Pick up a flower, breathe in its fragrance, sneeze from your allergies, wave to a neighbor and close your robe because you’re not just waving with your hand. How does that feel? Exhilarating? Then your dedication sucks! It should be a total bore. You should be more interested in whether or not I’m going to have a top 100 for the 2nd half of fantasy baseball tomorrow than what your significant other has been doing for the last three and a half months. Luckily, I will have a top 100 tomorrow, and your significant other can remain your fantasy team. Okay, enough hubbub on the tomfoolery! Yesterday, Rob Refsnyder went 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer as the Yankees called him up on Saturday to be their 2nd baseman. My middle infielder slot on all of my teams feels like the old adage, “Ridden hard and put away wet.” If a fantasy team slot could catch an STD, my MI slot would be it. There might not be a starter on any team that I haven’t tried once, thanks, Rendon! Refsnyder had seven homers and ten steals with a .290 average in Triple-A and looking at him, I’m immediately reminded of Pedroia. In other words, goodbye, Jace Peterson, hello, Refsnyder! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Clay Buchholz – Hit the DL with elbow soreness. Oddly enough, Dr. James Andrews’s office sits on the corner of Torn ACL and Elbow Soreness. The Red Sox called up Brian Johnson, who was the top Sawx pitching prospect left in the minors, which is kinda like being the tallest person in the Altuve family. I’ve seen Johnson compared to Mark Buehrle and I think that was used as a positive. Call him Burly Johnson. Actually, don’t. He was a pitcher and first baseman in college, and he looks like he could hit for some power, if you catch my drift. (Read: Big guy.) His fastball is 90-93 MPH and his curve is his 2nd best pitch, or so it says where I was lead by Googling “Brian Johnson Red Sox” after my autocorrect Googling of “Johnson in a sock.” Shudders! Johnson appears to me to be a innings-eater number four starter, which is whatevs in fantasy.
Shane Victorino – 1-for-5, 1 RBI and two steals (4, 5). As I would tell a commenter if they had the Red Sox team, trade some bats for a starter!
Sonny Gray – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.04. He’s turning this mother to eleven! He’s like the Private Stock of starters! Those other terrible malt liquor beers give you 40 oz., we here at Private Stock give you 64 oz. Trying to understand how Gray is doing this is like trying to figure out a puzzle on the underside of a Private Stock bottlecap. Too bad Private Stock isn’t around anymore, there could be a good YouTube video in someone finishing a 64-ounce bottle, then trying to do the bottlecap puzzle. At a certain point, there won’t be time for Gray to regress enough for it to matter. At this point, he’d need, like, a 5 ERA to even get his ERA back to where his xFIP says it should be. (The preceding was done by math in my head and could be totally wrong.) I still say Gray regresses, but he’s also my boy and this is the tough love his mother refuses to give.
Scott Kazmir – The A’s said he can start next Saturday. Then a reporter asked if this was so they could trade Kazmir in the next few weeks, and asked Beane why were his fingers crossed. Beane didn’t elaborate.
Stephen Vogt – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. He’s Superman, with the wind at his back, Lucroy’s Lois Lane.
Corey Kluber – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Ugh, my emotions are so mixed. Kluber’s Ks are down the last two games, but he’s pitched much better. Actually, I don’t own him, so why am I so empathetic? Next thing you know I’m going to be crying at long distance phone commercials.
Dee Gordon – Dislocated his thumb on Saturday. Waze took him across three lanes of rush hour traffic with no streetlight, but still the thumb hasn’t turned up. The Marlins are saying Gordon may not need a DL stint. Just pinch his thigh so he forgets the thumb pain. That’s what my grandmother always did! Gordon just needs to slap balls into the ground and run, so it’s not that surprising that he may not need a DL stint.
Justin Bour – 3-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs, and had two hits on Saturday. You won’t hear me say much about hot schmotatoing in this post because, with the break, it’s like we’re getting whole new guys on the flip side of the half.
Dan Haren – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.24. I streamed him yesterday and dropped him before the game even ended. You know why? No, not because I’m a total baller, but that’s a good guess. I did it because they were in Carola Canyon and it was vs. the Reds, who sizzuck.
Neftali Feliz – Signed by the Tigers for bullpen help. Tigers are going with the old “beat them with quantity where you can’t beat them with quality.” Since Soria’s been egregious, Feliz could work his way into the save picture at some point, but Feliz hasn’t been all good times either, no matter what his name might suggest. In fact (Grey’s adding on!), Feliz has been awful too.
Alfredo Simon – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 4.53. Damn, a waiter should go by the mound with a pepper mill, because Alfredo’s getting creamed.
Torii Hunter – 0-for-3, 1 run and his 14th homer on Saturday. He won’t appear in the top 100 for the 2nd half tomorrow (though, maybe, I’m still fiddling), but it goes to show you how fickle a top 100 is, because Hunter has been totally fine as a third outfielder and way better than, say, Puig.
Miguel Sano – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .378. As frequent commenter, Clyde Prompto, said, “Since Sano restored my belief in true love, I think his nickname should be ‘The Sanotebook.'”
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. As I said above, it’s hard to know hot schmotatoes at this point because of the break, but Plouffe is the type to get smoking hot for a few games at a time.
Kyle Gibson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.85. Your peripherals look like A.C. Green, Gibson don’t call here anymore. With an xFIP like Ben Vereen, Gibson don’t call here anymore.
Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer on Saturday. Finally looking like the S in escargot is for super and not snail.
Troy Tulowitzki – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Hitting in Coors will be glorious in July and August. Start stacking now!
Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-5, 1 run, 4 RBIs. So instead of drafting Dickerson, you should’ve drafted Charlie Big Dickerson.
Drew Stubbs – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Every home game Stubbs is starting, you should be starting him on your team.
Jon Gray – Could debut this week for the Rockies. I’m sure Prospect Mike has many things to say on Gray, but can he do it in iambic pentameter? I don’t like Rockies pitchers; I don’t care what their pedigree is; I especially wouldn’t go near a wet-behind-the-ears Rockies pitcher. Wet-behind-the-ears, Trump, you don’t have to deport him!
Jason Grilli – Out for the year with a ruptured Achilles. Contrary to rumors, Archer had nothing to do with it. Grab Johnson. I mean…No, that’s what I mean. Okay, Jim Johnson for completists.
Alex Wood – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER. You know what this means? Now, for the rest of the season, I have to say his ERA would only be (insert number) if you remove his Coors start.
Matt Harvey – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 3.07. The invisible rabbit in the room for Harvey has been the walks. He’s about a half a walk above 2013’s walk rate, but guys returning from TJ usually lose a bit of control at first. That’s Tommy John; guys returning from Tijuana lose control too, but I’m not talking pitching.
Kirk Nieuwenhuis – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and three homers, his first three homers of the year. Damn, I always thought Nieuwenhuis was just the name of a sofa in Ikea. That screaming for joy that you hear is the one guy that owns him in a 20-team NL-Only league that only uses Mets players.
Daniel Murphy – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. Elias Sports Bureau said yesterday Nieuwenhuis and Murphy had the most homers for a pair of teammates whose names are pieces of furniture.
Patrick Corbin – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.40. Here’s what a pitcher not as good as Harvey and J-Fer look like returning from similar surgery.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer, hitting .340. Au Shizz!
Rubby de la Rosa – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER. I was gonna say his ERA most be close to 5 when I have him in my lineup, but then I saw his ERA is 5.06 on the year, so I was likely being generous. Maybe I should drop Rubby and stop waiting for the reach around.
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.72 vs. Jon Lester 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA up to 3.59. Perfect illustration of what a top five starter looks like vs. a top 20 starter. Maybe next time we can get Goofus and Gallant’s illustrator.
Adam Jones – 2-for-4 and two solo homers (13, 14). Great, he’s getting hot right before he’s about to shut it down for four days and get cold again = My luck.
Max Scherzer – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.11 vs. Wei-Yin Chen 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.78. Chen went toe to toe, mano a mano, Alien vs. Predator against one of the best starters in the majors and came out looking terrific. By the by, Alien vs. Predator isn’t a new Carl Monday show.
Jake Odorizzi – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 2.30 as he returned from the DL. Since he had a strained oblique, I haven’t been too worried about him returning in similar form to how he left. Yes, I’m partially deluding myself for the return of Strasburg.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Hit the DL with a strained hamstring. Filling in for him will be Beckham and Elmore, which would make a great mystery about soccer. Call it, Get Sporty.
Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.23. He’ll be in the top 100 for the 2nd half that’s coming tomorrow. Begrudgingly!
Jose Altuve – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Altuve will try to keep it up in the 2nd half, with the aid of tippy toes.
Lance McCullers – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks. I’m gonna like McCullers so much next year, and will likely be in for a roller coaster, which should just be known as a roller-Carrasco.
Matt Moore – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 7.07. Yesterday’s start is exactly what I’d expect from him as the best case scenario for this year.
Randal Grichuk – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs. 2nd game in a row with three hits. What has your 5th outfielder done lately? Well?! Sorry, I lost it there for a second.
Jhonny Peralta – 3-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .298. Over/under for the end of the season: 20 homers and .270. I’d go under/under like I’m limboing at a bar mitzvah.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Hisashi my dashi, slurp SLURP!
Taijuan Walker – 5 IP, 6 ER. Two baby steps forward, then you realize you were standing on the ledge of the Empire State Building.
Andrew Heaney – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.32. As I said on Friday, I’d grab him until it’s announced that he’s being bumped from the rotation, because he’s proved he should stay in the rotation. Then again: The Sciosciapath.
Erick Aybar – 3-for-3, 2 runs, hitting .287. Could it be possible that I want every middle infielder and no middle infielders?
C.J. Cron – 3-for-5, and two homers on Friday. Cron is German for own. Take a hint!
Chris Iannetta – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. As terrible as he is, at least he’s no Zunino. Or metaphorically, at least he’s not as bad as Yahoo’s white background. Change it back! C’mon! The Internet’s old enough now, you have to know better. You have to!
Brandon Morrow – Padres announced he’s ready for rehab. Morrow is fine, dandy, adjective if he’s healthy, but he won’t be returning until at least mid-August and there’s still lots of time for a setback. You ever think if his name was Brandon Today he would’ve returned by now? Too much procrastination with Morrow.
Tyson Ross – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. For all of the agita he’s caused over the 1st half, look at his ERA. Okay, you don’t want to open a new window, fair enough. His ERA is 3.34.
Yovani Gallardo – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.62. Okay, when you put it like that, a 3.34 ERA isn’t that good.
Mitch Moreland – 0-for-3 but two homers on Saturday (15, 16). On the year, he’s only been a hair less valuable than Votto. Speaking of hair: I look good.
Brandon Beachy – 4 IP, 3 ER as he returned from the DL. “Returned from the DL” and “hot damn, thank you, man!” don’t seem to be synonymous. As I’ve said before, I’m not going anywhere near Beachy and it has nothing to do with melanoma.
Adrian Gonzalez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Fo’seriously, if he only got to 24 homers on the year, it wouldn’t surprise me.
Taylor Jungmann – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.15. I’m ready to take the training wheels off a little here and start adding him in mixed leagues. I’d also keep an eye on the Stream-o-Nator for its thoughts. How very Orwellian.
Khris Davis – 0-for-4 as he hit leadoff. He doesn’t strike you as a leadoff hitter? Yeah, me neither, but he was replacing Parra and that’s where he bats, so rather than start a whole new lineup card, Craig Counsell went with the Whiteout method of managing.
Ryan Braun – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer. Okay, but what did Lind do?! Kidding. OR AM I?! Ah, yes, caps really seals it.
Chris Heston – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. His home ERA on the year is 2.57. Surprising, I figured a Heston would go for a 357.
Jake Arrieta – 9 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.66. Great, now Maddon’s not using any closers!
Jose Quintana – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.69. Since May 1st, his ERA is 3.01 in 92 2/3 IP. Yup.
Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, moving his record to 10-5, which makes this his 15th consecutive season of ten wins. Hey, advocates for Blyleven for the Hall, you’ll have something to do in a few years.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 4th steal. Won’t take part in the All-Star Game, but will instead have his shoulder badged and massaged like it’s a lamb chop. Yes, he’s going to have a little Victorian collar put on his shoulder.
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI. No, I don’t love the lineup placement either (Pillar usually bats seventh or eighth), but he is nearly a top 20 outfielder on the year, according to our Player Rater. By the way, those that don’t trust the Player Rater are like those that don’t believe dinosaurs ever existed.
Devon Travis – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal as he hit in the two hole. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the middle infielders in our lives…
Paulo Orlando – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer as he steals time from my SAGNOF’er Dyson. I will cut you, Paulo!
Kendrys Morales – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. This is by no means a novel thought, it’s barely a full sentence without this filler, let alone a novel, but, man, DHs are terrible across the entire league. It’s upset Edgar Martinez so much he’s stealing tablecloths from a gay bar and wearing them as shirts.
